Confessions of a Single Mum » Being a Single Mum

10 Things I have learnt being a Single Mum

Confessions of a single mum — Mon, 02 May 2011 18:56:20 +0000

With being a single parent for the last ten years I have learnt a few things I might never have learnt if I was still married.

1 – I learnt that even though life has moved on from the Victorian era, some people’s views haven’t moved with it. Negatively and prejudices against single mums is still out there.

2 – I learnt that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.

3 – I learnt that there a lot of DIY jobs that I, as a woman, can actually do. I won’t be fobbed off with its man’s job again.

4 – I learnt that no matter how much I try there are things I will never understand or be interested in with cars being one of them. Hurray shouts my local garage.

5 – When life seems really hard there are friends that go beyond the call of duty. It’s so important to have a network of friends.

6 – Beans on toast every night is ok, right?

7 – They are days when you think you’re not going to make to the end of the day and days when you think you can take on the world.

8 – I’ve learnt that children can survive divorce.

9 – I’ve learnt that they are days I crave salience and days I hate salience.

10 – That it doesn’t necessarily get easier just the challenges change daily.

I asked the children if they have learnt anything in the last 10 years and this is their contribution.

Daughter – having two homes means you have to be more organised as otherwise your favourite jeans are at one parent when you want to wear them.

Son – having two bedrooms means you get nagged to keep two bedrooms tidy.

I have just added 12 Things I have learnt raising a son do have a read.

To Send or Not to Send a Child to Their Room

Confessions of a single mum — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 18:12:17 +0000

When I was young I was brought up fairly strictly. There wasn’t any room for manoeuvre. My parents spoke, I listened. They asked me to do something, I did it instantly. If on the rare occasions I didn’t, there was punishment. There wasn’t though any of the ‘sending to my room stuff’. At the time I didn’t notice, it was only when my children came along and started testing my patience that I had to think back to my childhood and how my parents disciplined me.

So what did I do as a new mum faced with a new hurdle? Just like most I phoned my mum for advice. My mother explained why she never sent me to my room and it’s something I have grown to believe in myself.

I never sent you to your room as it was your bedroom. For one it was filled with all you toys, teddies and other things you loved. It wouldn’t be punishment to sit in a room full of toys.

Secondly it was the place you slept. We worked hard on getting you into a proper night time routine and sleeping through the night. If I sent you to your room when I was angry you might start associating your room with anger. That wouldn’t equate into a good night’s sleep.

Lastly it was your room. Apart from the odd time I asked you to tidy your room for health and safety reasons, we always said a bedroom is a personal space for you to do with as you want. Somewhere you feel safe, happy and secure. It the place where you could really relax and be yourself. As parents we believed it wasn’t to be used as a place you went to when you or I was angry.

So what do you think? Should a child be sent to their room when their behaviour isn’t acceptable?

My Top Tips on Coping as a Single Mum

Confessions of a single mum — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 09:30:07 +0000

I am sure I am not the only one who gets asked how to cope with being a single mum, so here are my top tips on how I cope with being a single mum. They helped as much today as they did nearly 10 years ago when I first became a single parent.

Accept there will be good days and bad - its not just you who will have good and bad days, your children will too. Be as supportive as you can on their bad days and respect the fact they may need to talk about him and the situation.

Don’t put down your ex to or in front of the children- As much as you may loathe him, think evil thoughts about him and generally dislike the chap, your children still love him. Putting your ex down to them can cause a lot of upset for them and could cause resentment and disrespect further down the line. Remember you’re the one who divorced, not them.

Don’t try to do everything and be everything - you don-t have to be the best at everything all the time. You are human not a robot so be realistic in what you can and can’t do.

Get order into the house- children thrive on routine and boundaries as it assures them they are safe and looked after. I was told this when my two were very little and it’s still true to this day. The last thing you may feel like doing is saying no to something for the hundredth time but keeping to your rules and boundaries it is more important than ever.

Have friends - From your best friends to family, they can be invaluable in listening, helping and being supportive. One of the most valuable friends I had was other school mums. They knew how disorganised I was at remembering dates like half term, non uniform day etc and would remind me at the school gates. They were also so valuable for my moments of complete madness. Like when I locked myself out of the house on the way to the school run with the car keys still in the house. A quick text to a mum friend and son was picked up from school on time.

Make time for you - this can be tough but even if it’s a 10 minute bath in peace it counts. You time isn’t pegging out the washing, just emptying the dishwasher and whizzing round with the hoover while the children are at friends. Although these things need to be done, time for you is just as important. The housework will still be there after you have recharged your batteries.

Letting Them Learn by Doing

Confessions of a single mum — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 20:21:20 +0000

I am often asked what the hardest part of parenting is. For me it’s not the lack of hours in the day as whatever I don’t get done today will be still sitting there tomorrow. Nor is it the forever tiredness as I know at the end of the day they will go to sleep and I can too. It’s not any of those things for me. For me it’s the letting my children learn by doing. I don’t mean give them a box of matches so that they learn that fire hurts.

When I was young my mum once said that things like telling me off or letting me learn hurt her more than it hurt me. Back then I assumed my mother was off her rocker and how on earth could it hurt her. But now I know. When my daughter was small she had seen adverts for crème eggs on the TV and she was desperate to try one. It must have been Easter time as there were adverts everywhere tormenting her. Eventually I said if she helped me tidy up and we found enough change around the house then we would go and buy one. With her prized pennies in her hand, off we went to the corner store and bought her first crème egg. She wanted to carry it home, not trusting me with this precious thing. Half way home she couldn’t wait any longer and wanted to eat it. I explained that no we should wait till we got home as she might drop it. She persisted. Now at the point I could have pulled rank and walk the rest of the way with her crying and a thousand pleases from her. Instead I explained that I didn’t think it was a good idea as if she dropped it she wouldn’t be able to eat it and we didn’t have enough change to go back and get another one. She understood but still wanted to eat it. We continued with her unwrapping the foil, eyes as big as saucers at this new wonder in her hand. Her first bite filled her face with the hugest grin I ever seen. Splat, she dropped it after the first bite. She looked at me and being far to wise for her years swallowed hard and carried on walking home. She knew I had meant what I had said and that I had been right.

The walk home was the longest walk I had ever done. She walked silently blinking back the tears. My heart went out to her, I desperately wanted to go back and get another one. Maybe I should have as it was only a crème egg. Just as she learnt from it, I learnt big time too that parenting hurts.

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Being a Real Parent

Confessions of a single mum — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 10:05:15 +0000

For me the dawning of being a Real Parent was no eureka moment, no life changing experience complete with fireworks like they have in the films. It was a slow realisation that the so called perfect mum never actually existed. I had read every anti-natal book available, waded through all the baby books and yet once I was left alone with my first baby to change its first nappy I was a blubbering mess. I muddled through the early years raising two children but it wasn’t till I was a single parent that for me the dreaded perfect mum idol entered my life. She was there at the school gates, her perfect dress sense, perfect smile and perfect children. She didn’t stop there, she would torment me at the supermarket, haunt me at the local shops, in fact anywhere I was, she was there too .Now this ‘she’ wasn’t actually one person, she was any mum who was doing the whole parent thing better than me. As a single parent there seemed to be an assumption that I would fail and that my perfect mum idol would just spin herself higher up on her pedestal.

Ask any mum at the school gate who she thinks is a perfect mum and they will immediately point someone out. You may even agree with them. Ask another mum and they will probably point to someone else. They can’t both be right; they can’t both be perfect mums, otherwise they would be the same, but they are different mums with different lifestyles. So what’s going on? The answer is that everyone’s idea of perfect is different.

For me, my perfect mum idol possessed all the attributes that I didn’t have. I didn’t have the perfect the dress sense – I still don’t to this day. I struggle to grin like a Cheshire cat in the mornings and my kids have never looked like they slept in their school uniforms in a trouser press over night.

What I didn’t understand was when I saw other mums I only saw a brief snapshot of their lives. I saw what they wanted me to see. I heard what they wanted me to hear. I didn’t see their imperfect bits. I didn’t hear the thoughts in their heads. I was so wrapped up in giving my children the best and the huge pressure of doing it as single mum that I assumed being perfect was the answer. I wasn’t seeing the real mum; I was just projecting all the things I thought would make me a good mum. Perfect isn’t achievable, perfect doesn’t exist. Perfect doesn’t make your children love you more. Perfect doesn’t make your child happier.

I’m not striving to be a perfect mum anymore; I’m striving to be a real mum. A real mum knows everything won’t get done today. A real mum knows she won’t get it right all the time or every time. As a real mum I will have sticky handprints on my jeans as a cuddle from my kids is worth more than a clean pair of jeans. If we were all perfect mums we would never experience personal achievements, we would never experience or cherish the good days that get us through the bad days.

With all the pressure to be the perfect mum, it takes a leap of faith to stop, look around and see that being perfect isn’t the recipe for happy children. It’s about being real, being you and doing it your way.

If you feel passionate about being a real mum and not a perfect mum, join in over at Netmums campaign page. They also have a blog where you can see what others have said.

5 Top Tips For Getting Your Toddler To Eat Healthy Food

Confessions of a single mum — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 14:00:53 +0000

Being a parent can be difficult at the best of times. You want to do the best for your toddler, but unfortunately your best efforts wont always please everybody, especially your toddler.

Being a parent doesn’t come with a job description and a mentor to guide you through the tough times, which is why I have dedicated this article to giving you parents a handful of simple but effective tips to get your toddler eating properly with no terrible twos temper tantrums.

Meal times can often be difficult with a toddler, especially when they are not interested in healthy food and would rather snack on crisps and chocolate.

But as a parent you have a responsibility to make sure your toddler grows up strong and healthy and has the best possible start in life.

So what can you do to get your toddler eating properly?

Tip one – Get your toddler interested in food.

Nothing is more boring than having the same salad and vegetables put on your plate and being forced to eat them.

So why not increase your toddlers interest by getting them to grow their own salad and vegetables?

You don’t need to go and invest in an allotment for this. It can be done in the garden, or even on the windowsill.

Start by getting a few small pots and some seeds (of vegetables or salad you know they will eat) and talk your toddler through why you are doing this (so they can see where there food comes from etc). Let your toddler fill the pots with soil, put the seeds in, water the soil and explain what will happen. Make sure you encourage your toddler to water the plant every day to keep their interest and attention.

Stories and books that involve what you have planted can also back this up as it will again help to increase their interest and remove the ‘not knowing’ factor of where their food came from.

Once you have got their interest, why not try growing something different? Perhaps something your toddler has never seen before and see what they think.

Tip two – Give your toddler the choice of what they want to eat.

A lot of toddlers want independence and when they don’t get it, you see the terrible twos temper tantrums. You can change this quite easily.

At meal times give your toddler two choices of meals. These meals should be two healthy meals that you are willing to cook. Try to make them fun and interesting; for example, have different colours on the plate or make the food into different shapes.

Giving your toddler the choice means they no longer feel forced to eat the food. Because they have chosen it, they will want to eat it.

Also let your toddler play with the food. For example, if they don’t want their four squares of sandwiches you made them, give them a child’s knife and let them cut the sandwiches themselves.

Tip three - no snacking between meal times

Giving your toddler snacks will not help your toddler because they wont eat their proper meals as they will be too full.

Instead, have three meal times that you stick to. If your toddler is hungry between these times (and it is not to close to the next meal time) let them snack on healthy snacks such as fruit. These snacks are much healthier for your toddler and the energy and nutrients they get from them will last longer than that from sugary sweets and snacks.

Sticking to the no snacking rule means your toddler will be hungrier at meal times and will eat a lot more.

Tip four – Remove the pressure at meal times.

If you were made to sit at the table until you had eaten all your food how would you feel? How would you like if the only conversations at meal times were about food and how you had to eat all of it?

I’m guessing you wouldn’t like that, and neither does your toddler. A lot of toddlers wont eat because they feel forced in to eating,

The best way to overcome this is to remove this pressure. By all means encourage your toddler to sit with you at the table during meal times, but the trick is not to talk about the food you are eating. Instead, ignore any attempts to eat (or not eat) by your toddler and have a normal every day conversation.

Try talking about how everyone’s day has been, the weather, what you are doing tomorrow or at the weekend, but make sure everyone else is eating. This way your toddler doesn’t feel under pressure to eat and will be much more willing to copy everyone else and eat what is in front of them.

Tip five - Don’t force your toddler to eat.

If your toddler is not hungry and doesn’t want to eat their meal then don’t force them. If your toddler shows no sign of wanting to eat once you have all finished, leave there food out (in reach of your toddler) for another half an hour. Explain to your toddler that if they don’t want to eat their food then that is OK, but they wont be allowed anymore snacks until their next meal (or the next day if they don’t want their evening meal). It is important that you stick to this as your toddler will push you to see how far they can go.

The only thing to make sure of when you use this technique is that your toddler has enough to drink. Your toddler is only small and can get dehydrated very quickly, but at the same time make sure they don’t have too much to drink before meal times and fill themselves up.

If you stick to your guns and don’t let them snack they will learn to eat their meals. If you don’t then you are going to have a lot more stressful meal times to come.

For more tips on getting your toddler to eat and for more advice on overcoming your toddlers behaviour problems, have a look at www.tamemytoddler.com

Just like Jo Frost (Supernanny) Laura doesn’t have kids of her own but has been working with children most of her life. After growing up helping her mother, who works as a childminder, working in a preschool and now being a registered childminding assistant, Laura has spent more time around the terrible twos then most will in their life time. This has given her years of experience watching toddlers behaviour and seeing different techniques being used. Laura has now set up her own site at www.tamemytoddler.com to help parents and carers cope with the terrible twos and no longer fear tantrums and arguments with their toddler.

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Wellies, Nappies and a New Tie

Confessions of a single mum — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 18:09:32 +0000

The sun has decided to show itself again after 6 weeks of hiding. Ahh it must be time for the children to go back to school. 6 weeks of rain, not quiet rain and not raining now but will be in a minute, have moved aside for the sunshine. It happens every year so I am no longer surprised by the suns timing. One of the biggest problems I find is what to supply the kids with on their way to school. Its almost like there are three seasons in one day some days. I can look on my phone in the middle of the day and the forecast has shown something the complete opposite of what I saw in the morning. In between seasons, Esprit clothing for children usually fits the bill. They have all sorts of back- at-school packs. Right at the end of the holidays, the centres are crazy busy and the kids want for more, more, more and it usually takes me hours before I get out of there. Regardless we have survived the holidays intact. I haven’t had chores after chorus of I’m bored thanks to last year’s trick of laying down the rules. I told them from the first day if they utter the words I’m bored they will immediately gets greeted with a dustbin bag to be filled with form their room. I have even managed to clear out my youngest room with him in readiness for primary school. New uniforms have been bought, washed and hung up ready for weeks. The clip on tie (new style of uniform brought in this year) has been practised, flung across the room and retrieved. Awful scratchy jumper has been washed in fabric conditioner, alas to no avail and remains stubborn in its scratchiness.

So we are ready for tomorrow. I say we rather warily as a brave face is part of it. After he has trundled down the road i am not sure how I feel. It’s a strange feeling when the youngest makes a milestone and there are no younger ones waiting in the wings to follow. I no longer feel like a single mum of young children but that of primary age children. It’s a big a step for me as a parent as it is for him.

When they were younger the hardest part was there shear energy that they had. It was never ending. Games, toys, outings, walk, you name it, and it was all done in wellies and at 100mph. Now its knowledgeable conversations, stroppy hormones, fears of options and careers. The last 11 years, from nappies to primary school, has gone so fast it scares me to think if that if I blink again he will be 22.

If you’re just starting out in your journey as a mum and scared how you’re going to cope, enjoy whatever bits you can. It’s going to go so quick.

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Parenting Tips for Single Mums

Confessions of a single mum — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:23:43 +0000

When there is only one parent to do everything, every bit of help is appreciated. Now I’m not suggesting you have to hire a cook, cleaner and gardener, though very tempting, as that isn’t financially viable. But there are a few things that I am tackling in my children. Not because I am a power hungry, neat freak over bearing mother, but because it will ultimately help me. Bear in mind though that every child, parent and situation is unique so these are just ideas that I have found to work or are working. Be realistic in what you want to achieve and remember you can’t expect any child to be neater, tidier or more organised if you aren’t. They learn from you.

Whinging - Pet hate and can’t stand it. It’s my rules is this one is a no go.

Bedroom tidying - So far I have not found a way to claim the danger money needed to go in there.

Organisation skills - If they are more organised, them and I spend less time getting the simplest things done.

Dawdling - I don’t have time to wait for someone who takes their time.

Chores - I can only do so much and remain sane. Every chore they do is one less I have to fit in.

Separately they are not that huge a thing but if you’re running a house single handily and have a child that’s whingey, doesn’t tidy their room, unorganised, dawdles and runs a mile at the mere mention of a chore, then you probably have the average child. Times that by how many children you have and it’s a recipe for one very warn out, physically and mentally, parent.

So how am I tackling these 5 things?

Whinging - Some mothers manage to breed the rare breed of a whinge-less child. They cope with anything that is thrown at them and go on to be adults with the same nature. From bad hair cuts to earthquakes, nothing sets them off. But then there are the rest of us who has a child that whinges. It’s annoying, soul destroying and apparently done because it gets them what they want. I know I am guilty of giving in when they go on and on.

Instead I am now trying this:

First I told them my new rules – Ask properly I will answer; whinge and I will ignore.

Then I ignore them when they are whinging.

I also point out they are whinging and remind them that I won’t answer to whinging, calmly removing myself from the situation.

This one is still a work in progress, but have noticed that although the whinging hasn’t stopped altogether, the amount of time they whinge has dramatically decreased.

Bedroom Tidying - Those who are followers of my site will know this has got me stressed out on many occasions. I confess to being totally jealous and full of envy of all you mums with perfect tidy homes. But I am starting to have a breakthrough on this. Not quiet at the ‘break out the champagne to celebrate another mountain conquered’ stage, but I am less skittish when unexpected guests turn up.

First I explained to my kids what I expected of them and why. Saying I want their room tidy because I’m a neat freak wouldn’t make sense to them and they are more likely to rebel. For mine I explained that …

it’s nicer to get into a bed that’s made instead of a bed that’s still unmade,
food and dirty plates attracts all sorts of wildlife,
tidy toys make it easier to find,
dirty clothes in the wash bin means I get to wash them and they don’t have to wear smelly clothes

Tailoring it to each child and knowing what makes them tick helped. Now they know what is expected of them and the benefits of why.

Over one of the holidays I suggested we got a head start. Using a timer so they knew there was an end, child and I would tackle one box or one cupboard each day. When I came across, to me, a box of junk I asked what they wanted to keep. Not what they wanted to throw. Wording it that way halved the time it took and doubled the contents of the recycle bag.

On a weekly bases I use the carrot trick and ask them to tidy their room whilst Iâ€™m making them lunch. Though I have to time it right. Not hungry and not much tidying gets done; starving hungry and they stuff their things anywhere in a rush and risk fainting.

I smile and praise a lot when they do something without being asked. Even the small things that to you and I would seem insignificant.

Organised - I have lost count how many times I have had to get forgotten swimming kits, lunches and football kits to distraught kids at school. Or when they go to their dads, dropped of forgotten items needed for the following day. So now my two are older I am tackling this pet peeve too.

First I lay down the rules. Forget something and they will be doing swimming in the swimming trunks from lost property (ewe) Forget your belt and you will spend all day holding your trousers up. Forget your homework and your teacher will tell you off etc.

We are now getting into the routine of when I’m cooking tea they have to get their stuff ready for the next day. Few minutes before they are about to zoom out the door I remind them to stop and recheck they have everything. This is putting the organising, checking and consequences onto their shoulders. I just do the reminding.

We have also started a family desk diary. If it’s not in the diary (sleepovers, parties etc) it doesn’t happen.

My two are old enough to start facing consequences and to plan ahead. Yes I have to remind them to check things but it is easier to remind then to run around after them with forgotten things.

Dawdling - Dawdlers come in two varieties. The dreamy away with the fairies kind and the deliberate needs a health warning kind. I am such a lucky person I have one of each.

I have found that getting the dreamer one to set their alarm clock earlier helps. They can then go at their pace. I also make sure they have everything organised for the morning the night before. It does take a huge amount of patience to just gently nudge in the right direction but it is a calmer routine since they have been getting up earlier.

The deliberate dawdler is also made to get up the same time as dreamy. With them though I have found announcing we are leaving in 10 minutes and meaning it and then leaving at the precise time helps. It did take a few “leaving without you” for them to get the message. The key, I have found, is to be firm, positive, and precise with the time. They soon got the message that I meant business and are cutting down on their dawdling deliberately.

NB would just clarify I never left without them but walked slow enough to the car that they managed to catch me up in time.

Chores - I divorced when my two were young and if I knew then what I know now, I would have been more switched on to this one. When they are younger you can capitalise on their eagerness to be helpful. Yes the chores would have to be basic, done together and often redone. But I would have been installing into them from an early age to help around the house. Instead I am rather late on this one but thankfully we are in the age of the mobile phone and my two are keen to earn credit for their phones.

We sat down and worked out a list of chores together and what each chore could be paid. Each time they complete a chore they add the amount to an ongoing chart so they can see how close they are to earning their top up.

Now I got a bit more cunning with this by adding in two mum clauses. If they do an act of kindness, a chore without being asked or especially good I add an amount to the chart. I also can cross off amounts if they misbehave. No with these two clauses in mind, I also had the foresight to work out a lot of this before we all sat down. I worked out how many times they were likely to do chores, how much they could earn each month so that they would also need to earn a few mum clauses to reach their top up each month.

It would be good to hear some of your parenting tips, they may even help other single mums who may be struggling.

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Single Mums, Scroungers and 5 Live Radio

Confessions of a single mum — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 17:46:01 +0000

Apparently the three leaders of the political parties, Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg, are backing a campaign ‘Lets Lose the Labels’ by Gingerbread to stop us single mums from being viewed as ‘lazy scroungers’. ( steam coming out my ears!)

To highlight this and get the general public’s views, the radio show 5 Live ran a phone in today on the subject. You can listen to the show if you missed it and read some of the comments left by viewers.

You can register your support over at Gingerbread and read more about how its trying to change peoples views of us.

As ever it’s a controversial subject and one that gets me heated under the collar so no doubt you have a view on it all. For me it’s not the shear hard work single parenting can be or the lack of support (despite the government saying there is support) or the financial side of it all that makes me boil. Itâ€™s the attitude of others towards me as a single parent. It’s the painting us all with the same brush I detest. So as well as all the others things that a single parent has to do, I also feel that I almost have to prove myself on daily bases too.

So let’s get the ball rolling on confessions and hear your comments.

Lots of Lovelly Things

Confessions of a single mum — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 19:02:18 +0000

Lots of lovely things have now been added in the Confessions Shop .

Tops
UmbrellasÂ
Bags
Aprons
T-shirtsÂ all withÂ slogans.

Let the world know you confessed at confessions of a single mum or that you are a yummy mummy.You can evenÂ get creative and design your own.

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Watch out for new things being added.

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No Resolutions Here

Confessions of a single mum — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 10:38:18 +0000

I’m not doing New Yearâ€™s resolutions anymore. Up until this year I have pushed myself to make a resolution list. It would be full of â€˜new meâ€™ ideas. I have wanted to be a better mum, a better friend, be more glamorous at the school gates, drop a few pounds or tighten up the less than tightened wobbly bits on me. I would start all enthusiastic and burn out by mid January (thatâ€™s on a good year).

This year Iâ€™m not. Yes I still want to be those things but wise old age is setting in and I have started to think differently. Instead I am focusing on what I do haveand how positive adjustments can be more beneficial than all out change. Positive adjustments are smaller, more manageable. They focus more on what you actually have and tweak it to work better. To me change is like saying what I already have isnt good enough and I want something new.

If I did do changes whoÂ would I actually beÂ doing these changes for? Iâ€™m being realistic about who I am, are the changes I want to make actually worth it. Iâ€™m realising that it doesnâ€™t actually make you a bad person if there is a bit of a wobble here or there, weâ€™ve just had Christmas for heavenâ€™s sake. Ok I have opted to have fun over Christmas instead of watching every calorie that has passed my way. Do the kids actually love me any less with a wobble, no I donâ€™t think so. Am I striving to be a perfect mum for the kidâ€™s sake or just for my own? They are reasonably well rounded children. They are fed, clothed and watered on regular bases. They have smiles on their faces most days and the days that they donâ€™t I can normally manage to turn the day around for them.

How would I actually implement any new changes? As the clock chimed midnight on New Yearâ€™s Eve I didnâ€™t suddenly have less work to do, less housework or less responsibilities. Iâ€™m being realistic on what spare time I actually have. I didnt suddenlyÂ become rich enough toÂ embarkÂ onÂ a gym subscription or have the time to ( or inclination) to actuallyÂ go to a gym.Â My wardrobe didn’t magically change into a glamourous one. Instead I will prioritise myÂ ’tweaks’ throughout the year and not beat myself up about the ones that arenâ€™t actually a priority.

If, though,you are launching a resolution list remember changes donâ€™t happen overnight despite what the adverts say. If a change is worth doing, itâ€™s worth doing it right. Make a plan and be prepared for the long haul. A quick fix is just that and wonâ€™t stand the test of time.

This was my view in January 2010, being a typical woman I am allowed to change my mind and this New Year 2011 I am attempting smaller resolutions a month at a time. Read more on how and why I am doing it in Resolution a Month.

Its not always the big things in life

Confessions of a single mum — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 09:37:38 +0000

The cat has attacked the Christmas tree for the last time, no more baubles catapulted randomly across the room as he scales the tree and then embarks on a less than cat like descent. Stray tinsel has been hovered for the last time and the dyson no longer doubles as a second Christmas feature. So with Christmas all done and dusted Iâ€™m shoved undignified into a new year complete with all the resolutions I never keep.

This year my only resolution is not to make any. If I make a list of resolutions itâ€™s like I have a list keeping an unhealthy hold on me, tormenting me when I make a wrong turn. In my warped mind I think not making any resolutions but instead adopting positive life changes I may stand a better chance of keeping them. I started with a new bin for the kitchen, now you may laugh at this small minute and seemingly underrated purchase, but its predecessor was a small bin that had to be emptied many times. It drove me insane. The kids never get the rubbish in the bin but half heartedly semi inside the bag and the rest in the actual bin. I was either going to spend my life emptying and cleaning a bin whilst getting myself worked up with a dose of mild hysteria or get a better and bigger bin. Itâ€™s not always huge life changing events that can rock your world but the small less insignificant ones that can make an impact.

The pros and cons of life as a single mum

Confessions of a single mum — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 10:24:33 +0000

Being a single mum is at the best of times hard work but it is also very rewarding. Here I have talked to other single mums, as well as my own experience to find out the pros and cons of being a single mum.

Being a single mum is lonely

Cons – It’s lonely, especially if youâ€™re not working and the kids are at school or after they have gone to bed. Not everyone has family nearby or friends who understand the situation. You may feel tied to your parenting role and restricted in what you can do. Then there is the good old saying of feeling lonely in a crowd. Whatever your situation, at some point that feeling of loneliness can hit.

Pros â€“Being just you also means you have your own freedom and before you shout at the screen, youâ€™re not free you have kids to looks after – freedom comes in many forms. Though it may feel like you have no freedom, you do have other freedoms to enjoy. What you eat, when you eat, where you eat – itâ€™s your choice. Want to paint all the walls pink with white spots – itâ€™s your choice. Wear huge Bridget Jones knickers everyday instead of sexy lace cheese wires – itâ€™s your choice.

I know this one from experience and itâ€™s not all doom and gloom. Youâ€™re not the only one feeling like this or in this situation. With the wonders of modern and free teleconferencing technologythere are a lot of social networks at your finger tips. Facebook and Twitter to name butÂ a few. If you do the school run there are chances to meet other mums. But they wonâ€™t see how friendly and lovable you are if you have to rush to the school gates and rush off again with your head down. Try and walk head held high and smiling, be proud of who you are.

The bed is so empty.

Cons- That double bed can be very cold and feel very empty

Pros -all that space to stretch out and no one else pinching the duvet. Doesnâ€™t matter if you snore nor do you have to put up with someone elseâ€™s snoring in your ear and keeping you awake?

If youâ€™re newly single then change your bedroom around to how you want it, get new bedding if your budget stretches that far. One mum said she did just this when her ex moved out. It gave her bed a whole new look and gave her an â€˜unsulliedâ€™ place to sleep. Childish? Maybe? Expensive? Probably. Worth it? Definitely! Learn to relish the chance to have a bed all to yourself to do in it whatever you want. Ask anyone who is coupled up and I bet you find a good few who are secretly jealous of you with a huge bed all to themselves.

No Back up

Cons – When a child has a strong will or determination and they know how to push your buttons it can be a battle of the wills. With no one to back you in your corner, it can feel like youâ€™re arguing with the whole world and not just one 6 year old who is adamant odd socks, that are a week old, reallyÂ are cool. As one mum rightly put it -”as the â€˜primary care giverâ€™ you are your childâ€™s world”. When they fall it is you they cry for, when they see something new it is you they are bursting to tell andÂ Monday to Friday at least, when you say no, they donâ€™t have someone to go and play you off against.The downside of this of course is when you say no and a tantrum ensues, or when theyÂ are utterlyÂ refusing to go to bed, or when they wants something that they simply canâ€™t have, you are alone, totally. If it takes 4 hours and your shins being kicked to hell and the whole house being trashed itâ€™s still all you, just you.Â You haveÂ no one to take over for just 5 minutes so you can go outside and scream, no one to pour you a glass of wine, or make you a cup of tea, or to take over and sit in the hall way outside their room putting them back into bed over and over and over again.

Pros - you can develop your own parenting style and not have any one else criticise you. You decide the house rules and it is up to you how you dish those rules out.

Decide youâ€™re parenting style and how you want to implement it. Let the children know your boundaries and stick to them. Keeping rules and boundaries may seem strict and boring but it helps you and them in the long run. If it is plausible try talking to the ex. If youâ€™re both singing of the same song sheet on at least some of the things then it makes it easier in both households. The one thing I really wouldnâ€™t recommend is trying to get one up on the other parent. Children are to be enjoyed and not used as pawns in your battle with the ex. Itâ€™s not fair on the children and will confuse them more.

One person to do everything.

Cons - Well no-one else is going to do it, are they?! In the past if a light bulb needed changing I would call for the man in my life. I would even leave it un changed all day to wait for the man to get home. Now that isnâ€™t an option (unless I want to wait a whole week!!- sometimes longer!) If something goes wrong then itâ€™s down to you to put itÂ right and fix the mess. And we all know there are way too little hours in the day to successfully fit in all the people you are expected to be.

Pros – The high you get when you realise you can do it is amazing. The skills you learn along the way will not only stay with you but enable you to help others. They are also brilliant skills to pass on to your children.

So I get out the ladder (OK, not really, I balance on a stool!) and change the bulb. Or reset the electrical fuse box. Or get out the screw driver and put the screws back in the door handle. Or find the drill and hang that special new picture. Invest in a drill and other DIY tools if you havenâ€™t got any. Celebrate the fact that you did it!! Being a bit organised does help in fitting everything in, but that said a list of friends numbers is also a godsend. Use your strengths where you can and donâ€™t be afraid to ask your friends for help. There will be things they are good at they you may not be and what comes around, goes around and you can return the help by helping them with the things your good at.

Money

Cons- Everyoneâ€™s circumstances are different, some get maintenance, some donâ€™t, some work and some donâ€™t. Whatever the circumstances money is bound to be tight and the cost of raising kids is still the same. Expensive! Â One of the mums said that all of her money, every single penny is spent on her son. On providing him a home, on paying for his school dinners, on getting to and from work so she can buy him school dinners and provide him a homeâ€¦ On buying him the clothes he needs and trying to buy him the clothes he wants. On trying to make sure he doesnâ€™t LOOK like a child with a single mum….the list is endless.

Pros- Having a small budget makes you manage on a small budget. One good thing to come out of this for me was the realisation how much we actually waste. When you only have so much electric or water its amazing how you learn to cut down. Same with food shopping. I never realised how much food I threw away at the end of each week. Or how much convenience food we were actually eating.

Make sure youâ€™re getting everything youâ€™re entitled to. Make sure you know which benefits you should be claiming, you may be surprised. You may be surprised on what you are actually entitled to. Draw up a budget (excel or pen and paper), this way you see where the money goes and what you have or havenâ€™t got left. Tighten the belt where you can, although easy to say, go through it with a fine a tooth comb. Stick to your budget as best you can. You will be surprised what you actually can do on a budget

DIY single parenting – instructions not included

Confessions of a single mum — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:19:53 +0000

â€˜Do it yourselfâ€™ is the mantra of single parents everywhere. As a single mum of two daughters, aged seven and fourteen, I know I have to rely on myself if I want anything done at all.

When I set out to write about being a single parent I had a good idea of what I wanted to say. It was going to be very balanced â€“ an essay type argument â€“ with a clear list of pros and cons. You can imagine the style; a punchy introduction, a few positives, a smattering of negatives, all building up to the conclusion that sure, parenting alone is tough, but it also brings a whole host of benefits.

So I sit down to write. On the first page I get as far as a heading. I actually write â€˜some things that are great about being a single parentâ€™ at the top of the page and prepare to brainstorm. I stare a while at the bright white blankness of the page, perfectly reflecting the blankness of my mind.

I can think of plenty of reasons why Iâ€™m particularly glad not be co-parenting anymore with my ex â€“ no clash in parenting styles, no more crying and shouting in front of the children, no more begging him to take them out just for a couple of hours and then feeling too guilty to enjoy my time alone. They arenâ€™t hugely positive though. I realise they arenâ€™t specifically reasons why I love parenting on my own, more like reasons Iâ€™m glad to be out of a damaging relationship. I guess when your options are limited to being alone or being with a partner who sucks away your very essence then single motherhood does seem appealing.

I fantasise briefly about the as yet undiscovered third option, the one where we frolic as a family in sun-dappled woodland with a Brad Pitt type father figure who, on our return to our family home, lovingly prepares dinner for us all before running me a bath and supervising wholesome craft activities with a cluster of adoring children. The fantasy doesnâ€™t do much to inspire me in my quest for the joys of single parenthood and I feel temporarily at a loss. Surely if I canâ€™t think of any positives then I should be miserable? If mothering alone really has no perks then why am I not ready to stick my head in the oven every time I cook a dinner that is guaranteed to be rejected by at least one of my two children?

I may not have found my happily ever after yet but I am far from fed-up. I am quite content being the sole breadwinner, housekeeper and distributer of cuddles. Not having a partner often makes things simpler for me and my inner control freak quite likes the fact that I always get the final say. I do find myself from time to time overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all, but on the whole taking the lead feels natural to me. Although Iâ€™m not sure my eldest daughter really understands to concept of authority. â€œI never really think of you as a parent,â€ she revealed recently â€œI just thought you were in charge because you were the tallest.â€

Bringing up children on your own is tough, there is no denying that. There is no one to share secret proud glances with at school plays, no one to share the tedium of cooking, washing and badly written bedtime stories. If you want things done, you most definitely have to do it yourself. Does being part of a couple though actually half the workload? Iâ€™m not convinced. I would bet that the majority of women would, if they were really honest, say they had the lionâ€™s share of the responsibility for the children â€“ doctorâ€™s appointments, dental check-ups, school trip money, presents for birthday parties â€“ how many women find they are ultimately the ones in charge of all these dull day to day duties? If not actually doing them then co-ordinating them. At least as a single parent you never expect anyone else to share these chores with you, so you never end up disappointed or resentful.

And then it dawns on me. Single parenthood may not have many unique positives going for it, other than those that come with being single generally like taking up the whole bed and the satisfaction of knowing you only have yourself to blame when you run out of milk, but that doesnâ€™t mean the joys of parenthood generally donâ€™t still apply. The unconditional love you give and receive, the arms flung around your neck and the shower of kisses you get for no other reason than that you are mummy. Perhaps not so applicable for a 14 year old, but still, you get the drift.

So thinking about it, maybe I wasnâ€™t so far off the mark with my plan for a balanced argument, as the all consuming nature of single parenthood does work both ways. Sure most childrenâ€™s books are dull â€“ I have never really been one for storytelling – but being the sole provider of bedtime stories does make you sole beneficiary of goodnight kisses and proclamations that you are loved â€˜to infinity and beyondâ€™, which in my book more than makes up for the mountain of washing and pile of dirty dishes I have waiting for me downstairs. Besides, I will just make one of the kids do the washing up in the morning â€“ now that really is the best of both worlds.

Kindly written by Jo Middleton.

Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

Interview with another single mum

Confessions of a single mum — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 09:06:33 +0000

Every now and again you meet someone whose situation or experiencesÂ just blow you away. ThereÂ make you realize that actually anything can be conquered. I had one of those experiences this week when i had an email from a fellow single mum. In true form i fired a multitude of questions to find
out more about her. So next time you wonder if you can do this single mum lark, remember this lady who does it with gusto, has become a successful entrepreneur and to top it all off she is blind.

How long have you been a single mum?

I’ve been a single mumÂ since June 2005.Â I was unhappily married and was tired of being the little wife and Madi’s mum.Â I wanted more than that and wanted to be seen as more than that so after seeing one of my mail friends take more of an interest in my own daughter than her father, I upped and left.Â He was also crap with money and I was tired of being in debt.Â How I thought that ending my marriage would solve that problem is anyone’s guess but it hasn’t but it’s my own debt and under my control.

How many children do you have?
I have one beautiful daughter but would love more.Â I just don’t want the fella that comes with it…Well I do but finding the right type of fella is a hard one especially when you use online services and you think you might have found someone potentially interesting then you tell them you’re blind and all of a sudden….Bam they’re running for the hills.Â I keep considering adopting or fostering too but it has its advantages and disadvantages so we’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

You mention you are blind, how sever and how long have you been blind?
I have been blind since birth and have about as much sight to get me in or out of trouble depending on the circumstances.

Being a mum is hard word, being a single mum is harder so how on earth do you manage?
I guess I manage like any mum.Â My daughter is a clever little girl and her reading is better than most adults I know which come in really useful when you want to make sure you serve beans rather than rice pudding.Â My house is never as neat as a pin and it drives my mother absolutely crazy but that’s how I live.Â I have to have a very good memory and systems for organizing tins into categories etc.Â I have some support from people I know and trust that come and help me with reading a corresponding to post etc but to be honest being a single mum definitely has its advantages.Â There’s no playing me off against dad when it comes to implementing rules etc.Â I get all the cuddles and mad Madi and I are exceptionally close.Â Of course it means that if I want to go somewhere everything has to be organized with military
precision which is sometimes hard work but I never have to worry about money not coming in as I fit my work around her which is exactly how I want it.

Have you come across any discrimination to single mums in your everyday life?
I can’t say I have really except for my local sports centre which is supposed to be family-oriented, does not have a crÃ¨che so it makes getting to the gym a bit of a challenge.

You mention youâ€™re an entrepreneur, tell us more.

I am an entrepreneur and I feel very passionate about what I do.Â I am an authorized Distributor with the Utility Warehouse.Â I help people save money on their bills and help those who wish to make an income recommending the services to others.Â It’s a wonderful business to be in as it not only fits around my daughter but is truly a residual income opportunity.Â Unlike people in conventional business, if they don’t work they don’t get paid.Â I do….every time my customers pay their bills.Â It’s very people oriented
and I love seeing what it can do for others and the dreams it can fulfill. There are so many wonderful people in this business and when I’m around that sort of successful person I’m at my happiest.Â I also love the fact that when I shop at Argos, boots etc, I’m reducing my utility bill which always makes me feel less guilty about buying stuff.

If you would like to know more about her experiences then you can read more at www.kerrypainter.co.uk

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Believe in Yourself

Confessions of a single mum — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 12:09:15 +0000

Believe in yourself and magic will happen – I think this can sum up the highs and lows of being a single mum. When you first start out its daunting to think you will be doing it all yourself. Then as time goes along you sudden realises itâ€™s been weeks or months or in my case years and your still surviving. Sometimes though, doubt can creep into your mind. Are you doing the right thing, are you too strict or not strict enough. Itâ€™s hard to gauge when you donâ€™t have another person to bounce your ideas etc off. But if you believe in yourself, look around you, your kids are happy, you might not be able to give them latest gadgets and gizmos or lavish money on them. But they are learning to be part of a team , your team. They are learning that not all families are the same. They are learning things that canâ€™t be bought.

So I think the key is to believe in yourself and magic happen.

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The Single Mumsâ€™ Guide to making friends

Confessions of a single mum — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:46:10 +0000

Being a single mum is hard. Making friends is hard. But what about combining the two? Factor in a bit of emotional vulnerability, low self-esteem and chronic exhaustion – all classic symptoms of single motherhood – and surely it is an impossible task? Fear not. There are lots of things you can do to overcome anxiety and reach out and form new friendships.

You are not alone

It sounds like a clichÃ©, but itâ€™s true. You are not alone in feeling nervous about meeting new people. Walk into any school or mumsâ€™ group and you can just about guarantee that the majority of the other mums there are feeling just the same.

It is true that some playgrounds and toddler groups do have a few well established cliques, but there are still plenty of people to talk to. If in doubt, ease yourself in gently. If you have preschool age kids, try a smaller more focused group to start with. Something like baby music sessions are great because they are normally small size classes, the babies tend to be similar ages, and you often get the chance for a chat and a cup of tea at the end of the session.

Confidence is just an act

Perfect the art of walking tall, even when youâ€™re feeling low. Our body language and posture reflects how we are feeling about ourselves. When we are feeling shy or self conscious we show this in the way we move and hold ourselves. When trying to appear more confident we can use this knowledge of body language to our advantage by changing the way we use our bodies to trick our minds into thinking we really ARE confident. Try it now â€“ be aware of how you are sitting, standing, you facial expressions. Now alter your posture, make your back straighter, hold you head high and smile. Bet you feel better already!

Walk into a new group of people with a big smile on your face, looking as if you are a regular, and youâ€™re half way there. Just imagine how you would behave if you were feeling confident and completely at ease with the situation, then just act that way regardless of how you really feel.

Get Involved

Most toddler groups, play schools or local NCT branches are run by a group of volunteers, most of whom are likely to be parents themselves. Getting involved as a member of a committee, in fundraising activities or maybe as a contributor to a local newsletter is a good way to meet new people, often away from the gaze of your children. Donâ€™t worry that will have to commit yourself to anything. Going along to an NCT branch meeting for instance does not mean you have to take on a particular job, but existing committee members are likely to be thrilled just to have somebody new contributing fresh ideas and experiences. For mums of school age children the PTA is a great place to get to know people.

Shared Interests and support

Having children is actually a great ice breaker. There arenâ€™t many other groups you can join where you are guaranteed that every person there shares at least one common interest â€“ you know youâ€™ll all be parents! If you can find some groups particularly targeted at single parents then even better. There are plenty of organisations around that aim to support single parents and put them in touch with other people in the same situation. If you canâ€™t find a single mums group in your local area, why not set up your own? Having a local support network of mums in the same boat can be invaluable; both in terms of the emotional support you can offer each other and the practical help e.g. sharing babysitting and childcare.

Team up

If the thought of meeting new people alone is just too daunting to contemplate, consider dragging a friend or relative along for moral support. Perhaps you have existing friends with children of their own who would come along with you or you could take your mum or a willing sister. If you have recently had a baby and have met some like-minded mums at antenatal classes nowâ€™s the ideal time to get to know them a bit better. Invite them along to try out a local toddler group with you and at least youâ€™re guaranteed someone to talk to.

As you begin to make new friends an easy way to take a friendship to the next level is to suggest an outing to somewhere new or an activity that neither of you have been brave enough to try on your own before. That way youâ€™ll be widening your social circle even further at the same time as getting to know your new friend better.

Be yourself

The best way to make sure that any new friendships you form are long lasting and rewarding is to be yourself â€“ simple but true. It is important to how things in common besides your children â€“ a shared sense of humour and a similar outlook on life are important too. Hopefully this way many of the friends you make now will last long beyond the time when the trials and tribulations of parenting have ceased to be such a prominent part of every conversation.

Some ideas for ways to meet other mums:

Gingerbread â€“ www.gingerbread.org.uk

SPAN â€“ www.spanuk.org.uk

Meet a Mum Association â€“ www.mama.co.uk

National Childbirth Trust â€“ www.nct.org.uk

Kindly written by Jo Middleton.

Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

Another Mums Story

Confessions of a single mum — Sun, 10 May 2009 17:10:20 +0000

When my friend asked me if would write an article for her website I tentatively said ‘on what? ’About being a single mum’ she informed me with a wry smile, then added, ‘I know that you aren’t anymore but you did used to have a life!’ We have known each other for years now and both being of the Piscean kind we are on the same wave length on a lot of things so knew what she meant but still teased her with ‘as opposed to now, when I have no life at all!’

Yes I used to be a single mum, in fact for a good few years we were single mums together. We spent many hours watching ‘chick flicks’, scoffing chocolate, drinking wine, alternating between bitching about and letching over men and when we managed to co-ordinate the children’s visits to the exes, we even went out to the pub and behaved like real people!Â We laughed, cried and spent Christmas & New Year together until I went over to the ‘other side’ and that is what she asked me to write about…my transition from single to double.

When I talked to my partner about what I was doing, we had a conversation about ‘whose version of events’ I was going to write.Â You see we both seem to remember things very differently!Â He tells it as a story of feminine seduction, where after an evening of me flicking my hair a lot over dinner, he was dragged back to my house against his will, plied with wine and then pounced upon and he couldn’t say no with my ample boobs in his face!Â I, however remember it very rather differently and as I am always right then my account must be right, but a true lady never tells!

So how did I get here?

Once upon a time there was a happy young couple with a baby and a lifetime of happy memories to create. Then 3 became 4 and life began to slide, money got tighter and they forgot what happy was. Existing, not living. I won’t bore you with the details, (if you are reading this then you chances are you know how the story goes) and one day I found myself the wrong side of 30, alone with 2 kids…thinking ‘shit, this wasn’t supposed to happen!’ I was angry, I hated men and I hated myself even more for failing at yet another relationship. Then started the spiral of self destruction….booze, cheesecake, chocolate, crying, singing along to really sad songs (think Bridget Jones and you are there!). I swung between plotting to kill the bastard and yearning for him to come back on his knees, sweep me up in his arms and tell me it was all a big mistake and he couldn’t live without me.

Then one day it all changed. I don’t know how or why…if I did I would now be on a tropical island living off the proceeds of a self help book, dvd and workshop fortune. I told him he would be having the kids for a week and I went 300 miles away to stay with a very close friend. I dyed my hair and got my nose pierced and came back like a woman possessed! I enrolled in college and started to live again, I made new friends and started to discover who I really was…and good god…I liked me…no… I loved me! Not in an arrogant way but just self accepting and believing I deserved to be happy. I learned that wasn’t fat and useless as he had so often told me, I was beautiful and smart!

I can honestly say that I was happy for the first time in years. I had the bed to myself, didn’t have to shave my legs if didn’t want to, no smelly socks or pants on the floor and I could read in bed without someone moaning that the light was keeping him awake! I was solely responsible for me for the first time in my life and liked it that way. I discovered my own opinions about things and finally learnt what I really liked and what I didn’t. Money was tight and there were days when I almost fell asleep in my tea from trying to juggle studying and being mum, but to be honest their dad wasn’t much use when were together so it wasn’t much different really. But the best thing was that me and my beautiful kids were so close and happy and I couldn’t see a man fitting into all that.

But I missed sex! Anne Summers is great and I could well have been responsible for Duracell’s shares going through the roof, but it wasn’t long before I started to miss the thrill of the chase and the foreplay. I dipped my toe in the waters of the ‘lonely hearts’ ads in the local rag…and guess what I got…lonely hearts! Yup, sad men in jumpers who only talked about their ex wives and how much they missed their kids. I tried night clubbing and pubs and found men who loved the way I could shake my ample booty but who were either young enough to be my son or just too drunk to be of any use in the bedroom. I tried dating friends of friends but that just got messy, I even dated a neighbour, but that got way out of hand when his mad ex threw a brick through the window!

Then I got a pc to help me with my studying and discovered chat sites! How seedy hear some of you say! Aren’t they full of perverts showing their bits on webcams or sad married men begging for phone or cyber sex? Well yes and no. I did get my fair share of men asking within seconds if I would do phone sex but I ignored them and also found lots of other people, men and women, who just wanted to chat about life. People who, for one reason or another, found themselves at home alone with a keyboard & a mouse. Other single parents, lonely once the kids were in bed, shy people who found the anonymity helped them feel be their true selves, shift workers who couldn’t get their sleep patterns right. Me and my online buddies chatted till the small hours, confessing deep secrets and yes there was some flirting too. Some of my ‘real’ friends also signed up and we chatted online for free rather than run up huge phone bills.

I met up with some guys, always on neutral ground and with my girlfriends well aware of where I was, who I was meeting and a back up plan in place if didn’t answer a text by a certain time and with the right answer! Some I slept with and some I didn’t. It was fun and if I’m honest it suited me to have assignations with no strings attached and I don’t regret any of it.Â I wasn’t looking for anything serious, although did fall for one guy but if I’m truthful our relationship was built on great sex and little else!Â That didn’t last but I wiped my tears and moved on, I no longer defined myself by my relationships or lack of one, and life carried on.

I carried on chatting online with friends and made new ones too. One of these new friends was a guy who lived in a nearby town. He was very different to most of the guys I had talked to and met over the years, the flirtations were more subtle. When he asked to meet me I agreed and went with an open mind and no agenda…for the first time in ages! The rest is history!

Five years later, as I sit at our dining table in our beautiful home writing this, I can say I am truly content. I took me a long time to agree to live with him and it scared the living day lights out of me to make the huge commitment of buying a house together, but it scared me more to give up my independence. But I needn’t have worried….this is different….he is different…I am different.

He respects me for who I am, he loves my ample bum and finds my dizziness endearing! He buys me flowers when he has done nothing wrong and brings me breakfast in bed on a Sunday.Â He gives me as much space as I need and never questions my movements or my spending habits. He loves my kids and treats them as his own.Â He doesn’t flirt with my friends or put me down. He does snore and watches far too much ‘dave’ channel on Sky but then you can’t have everything!

I was happy as a single mum and am very proud of that part of my life, it taught me what I wanted from life and what is important and without that I would not be in a healthy relationship now. But I am also happy now and have far more in my life than I ever dreamed possible. My life now is what happened to other people as far as I was concerned a few years ago. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I believe that it isn’t what happens to you that makes you who you are, it is what you do with it and you can decide to let being a single mum drag you down and be bitter or you can just get on with it and make life the best you can and see what happens. If you meet someone special so be it, but if you don’t well it doesn’t mean you are a failure, unlovable or whatever negative self talk you give yourself, it just means you haven’t met the person who deserves you yet!

Being a Single Mum Is

Confessions of a single mum — Sat, 09 May 2009 18:31:04 +0000

My views on what it’s like being a single mum …

Single mum ~ well that’s the obvious bit. Be it from choice, divorce or bereavement.

Hard work ~ No kidding there. You seem to run around the whole time sorting everything out before moving on to the next thing to sort out.

Non Rewarding~ Yes they say thank you for the free taxi service but then they know they are in risk of walking next time. It’s the everyday things that go un-rewarded. You don’t get thanked for worrying over them, teaching them the day to day things.

Funny ~ You don’t normally find things funny at the time. It’s more when you look back at something you can see how funny it was. Like when my daughter shaved her younger brothers hair with my lady shave.

Social Outcast ~ Single doesn’t quiet fit into coupled gatherings. They don’t know if to invite you and you be the only uncoupled person or not invite you and risk upsetting you. Other couples eye you with suspicion. In some eyes I must be sex starved (yeah ok, hands up to that one) and so lonely that I will be after all males regardless if they are coupled up or not.

Just for the record I would like to put this one right. We may be single, sex starved and has the odd lonely moment but we do have morals, ethics and scruples. We are single, not stupid.

Tiring ~ By the time you have done a full days work, picked the children up, had tea, helped with homework, attended to any housework you cant get away with any more and finally sat down is normally time to go to bed to get some sleep before starting all over again the next day.

Lonely Non Existing Social Life ~ Babysitters are two expensive or non existent, helpful volunteering friends will always have something else on the one day of the year you finally do get asked out somewhere. You face the dilemma of socialising with couples which takes you to the social outcast bit again or socialising with your other single friends. It wasn’t until I was singe that I realised all my friends are coupled up. Note to self – find some single friends.

Determination ~ you simply can’t give up. It’s not like you can send the children back (ouch). You do it to prove to all those who say how difficult it is, that it can be done. You do it because you know it will get better. You do it because others have done it; you’re by no means the first person in this situation.

Exhausting ~ The next level up from tiring but with addedÂ sick children all night, work deadlines and minor disasters at home like washing machine failure. Has been known that all these things go wrong at once.

Exhilarating ~ that moment when someone comments on how well behaved your children are. When someone says they admire you for what your doing. Those warm fuzzy moments when your child does something brilliant – you helped that child reach that point.

Confidence Building ~ shopping in the local supermarket with just children can induce every lonely granny in the area to stop and talk to you, you even grow to like talking to strangers. It is a case of you simply have to just get on do what ever a partner would do so your confidence builds with out you knowing.

Empowering ~ my children has a walk to school week every year. Being a WSM (working single mum) it is impossible to do this. I am not an athlete to walk the 2 miles too school, then 2 miles back to get the car, to then get to work. Nor do I have a time machine to do all that and get to work on time. I compromised and parked further away as having an ‘I walked to school’ sticker was of high importance to my two. Being brought up to be honest, it was not my kids fault to answer ‘no only up the hill’ when the teacher holding the prized stickers asked if we had walked. I suddenly had a moment of stance. I found myself defending my WSM label with honour. The children had their sticker and we were never questioned in following years.

Good Points

Confessions of a single mum — Sat, 09 May 2009 16:29:56 +0000

Single is a solitary word that can be very soul destroying. If you let it be that is. Instead of dwelling on the negative points of what single means, I want to embrace the positive sides of single.

To me single means I do not have to share the duvet and if I want to roll myself up in like a sausage roll then I can.

It means I can truly be myself. Children aren’t really overly concerned if you have make up on or if under your clothes you are secretly hiding un-matching underwear.

It’s a real treat that when they have gone to bed the remote control is all mine. I can watch girly films till even I am bored of them and I seriously do not think they have made enough for that to happen.

If I decide I really want all the cushions in pink then I can, I do not have to have any great consultation about the interior design or lack of it with anyone.

I do not have to keep the peace with any one apart from the children and they know I am always right so I always win that one too.

I can finally figure out what I actually want. Where do I want my life to go.

Those things aside I do find it all very exhilarating and empowering. When someone comments on how well behaved my children are or how good they are at something, I get a feeling over whelming pride that yes they are those things and I did that all on my own. The fights over fashions aren’t an issue any more, the times I fretted that I was a bad mum because I sent them to school without matching socks doesn’t really matter so much.

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Me Time

Confessions of a single mum — Sat, 09 May 2009 16:28:49 +0000

Being exhausted becomes second nature to the point you don’t even realise your exhausted anymore. Single handily you’re responsible for all areas of your families needs. Juggling finances, making sure homework is done, feeding the tribe and managing their social lives. Having ‘me’ time can replenish your energy levels and remind you that you’re actually a person too. To keep you running on all cylinders, here are some of things I do to reclaim my precious ‘me’ time.

Although the idea of getting up earlier first sent me further under the duvet. I now enjoy it. I set the alarm just 20 minutes earlier than I need to. I refuse to use this time to get ahead of the housework but to have a cup of coffee in peace. To just listen to a quiet house can be bliss. If you’re a diary writer you could use the time to write. It did take me a week or so to get into being up 20 minutes earlier but now it’s a must for me.

My children are getting to the age that they want to stay up later and have different bedtimes. I have solved this by implementing a constant 8pm rule. They both have to be in bed at 8pm . The youngest to sleep but the older one can read in bed. Now that they both know this happens every night and that I am strict on it, there are no arguments and they have even been known to take themselves off to bed at 8pm when I have been stuck on the phone or caught up in something and lost track of time.

I have a night off once a week. It doesn’t cost me anything as it’s a night in. I am lucky they go to their dads one night a week so this is my night. I refuse all housework, all calls and most times don’t even have the TV on either. For me it’s a pamper night. I do my nails, eyebrows, bath then curl up in fresh clean bedding. For me that is my total bliss. If there are weeks they don’t go to their dads, I still do this but compromise by starting my pamper routine after they have gone to bed at 8pm.

Children are born with an inbuilt ability to know when you’re in the toilet. It’s at that exact moment they suddenly remember some long elaborate tail they need to tell you and continue to through the bathroom door or one child decides to half kill the other child. But shower time they are never anywhere to be seen. So I have hidden in the bathroom cabinet ‘posh’ shower gel. It’s my one luxury on my shopping list and no one else is allowed to touch it. It may be only 5 or 10 minutes but it counts towards my sanity.

Being a working mum, I obviously have the dreaded school runs on the way to work. After I have safely deposited the last child to school, I switch off the radio and drive in silence. It is only a brief journey to work but driving in the silence has a calming effect that sort of grounds me before I start work.

Mothers Instinct

Confessions of a single mum — Sat, 09 May 2009 16:28:07 +0000

With a long night ahead of me watching over a sick child, I’ve settled myself close by him with pen and paper. Caring for a sick child can really bring it home to you that you are a single parent. There is no one there to bounce your worries and fears on. But it does mean I have to trust my gut instincts more.

A doctor once told me that when he has a sick child in his surgery, he could normally truly gage how poorly the child actually was by his mothers face. Being a mum brings with it that truly amazing mothers instinct. I cannot tell you where it comes from though. Maybe the midwives sneak it in seconds after you have given birth when you are not looking and so whacked out you unaware of what is happening or maybe new mums in hospitals are served special food laced with it. But its there.

For me it did take a bit of time to show through and a few dodgy mishaps along the way. I do not think I truly found mine or learned actually to feel it and trust it till I became single. Not having someone around to doubt you or question your thinking does make you figure out the situation yourself quicker. Plus being busy, as we all know we are your adrenalin makes you decide and prioritise quicker. You simply do not have enough time to sit and consider what disease the symptoms might indicate. Besides that sort of thing always pops back into your head when you are trying to get to sleep. Instead you access, treat and get onto the next thing.

So here I am sat quietly listening to his breathing, well that should actually be snoring. He is all tucked up, perfectly fine, and blissfully unaware that while he is snoring for England, I am sat on his bedroom floor worrying about him while writing about trusting gut instinct and mothers intuition. I think its time I went off to bed to sleep ad believed in myself again.

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Confessions of a single mum — Fri, 01 May 2009 09:52:58 +0000

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