Confessions of a Single Mum

Archive for the ‘Being a Single Mum’ Category

Every now and again you meet someone whose situation or experiences just blow you away. There make you realize that actually anything can be conquered. I had one of those experiences this week when i had an email from a fellow single mum. In true form i fired a multitude of questions to find
out more about her. So next time you wonder if you can do this single mum lark, remember this lady who does it with gusto, has become a successful entrepreneur and to top it all off she is blind. Read the rest of this entry »

Believe in yourself and magic will happen – I think this can sum up the highs and lows of being a single mum. When you first start out its daunting to think you will be doing it all yourself. Then as time goes along you sudden realises it’s been weeks or months or in my case years and your still surviving. Sometimes though, doubt can creep into your mind. Are you doing the right thing, are you too strict or not strict enough. Read the rest of this entry »

Being a single mum is hard. Making friends is hard. But what about combining the two? Factor in a bit of emotional vulnerability, low self-esteem and chronic exhaustion – all classic symptoms of single motherhood – and surely it is an impossible task? Fear not. There are lots of things you can do to overcome anxiety and reach out and form new friendships.

Read the rest of this entry »

When my friend asked me if would write an article for her website I tentatively said ‘on what?   ‘About being a single mum’ she informed me with a wry smile, then added, ‘I know that you aren’t anymore but you did used to have a life!’  We have known each other for years now and both being of the Piscean kind we are on the same wave length on a lot of things so knew what she meant but still teased her with ‘as opposed to now, when I have no life at all!’ 

Yes I used to be a single mum, in fact for a good few years we were single mums together.  We spent many hours watching ‘chick flicks’, scoffing chocolate, drinking wine, alternating between bitching about and letching over men and when we managed to co-ordinate the children’s visits to the exes, we even went out to the pub and behaved like real people!  We laughed, cried and spent Christmas & New Year together until I went over to the ‘other side’ and that is what she asked me to write about…my transition from single to double.

When I talked to my partner about what I was doing, we had a conversation about ‘whose version of events’ I was going to write.  You see we both seem to remember things very differently!  He tells it as a story of feminine seduction, where after an evening of me flicking my hair a lot over dinner, he was dragged back to my house against his will, plied with wine and then pounced upon and he couldn’t say no with my ample boobs in his face!  I, however remember it very rather differently and as I am always right then my account must be right, but a true lady never tells!

So how did I get here?

Once upon a time there was a happy young couple with a baby and a lifetime of happy memories to create.  Then 3 became 4 and life began to slide, money got tighter and they forgot what happy was.  Existing, not living. I won’t bore you with the details, (if you are reading this then you chances are you know how the story goes) and one day I found myself the wrong side of 30, alone with 2 kids…thinking ‘shit, this wasn’t supposed to happen!’   I was angry, I hated men and I hated myself even more for failing at yet another relationship.  Then started the spiral of self destruction….booze, cheesecake, chocolate, crying, singing along to really sad songs (think Bridget Jones and you are there!).  I swung between plotting to kill the bastard and yearning for him to come back on his knees, sweep me up in his arms and tell me it was all a big mistake and he couldn’t live without me.

Then one day it all changed.  I don’t know how or why…if I did I would now be on a tropical island living off the proceeds of a self help book, dvd and workshop fortune.  I told him he would be having the kids for a week and I went 300 miles away to stay with a very close friend.   I dyed my hair and got my nose pierced and came back like a woman possessed!  I enrolled in college and started to live again, I made new friends and started to discover who I really was…and good god…I liked me…no… I loved me!  Not in an arrogant way but just self accepting and believing I deserved to be happy.  I learned that wasn’t fat and useless as he had so often told me, I was beautiful and smart! 

I can honestly say that I was happy for the first time in years. I had the bed to myself, didn’t have to shave my legs if didn’t want to, no smelly socks or pants on the floor and I could read in bed without someone moaning that the light was keeping him awake!  I was solely responsible for me for the first time in my life and liked it that way.  I discovered my own opinions about things and finally learnt what I really liked and what I didn’t.   Money was tight and there were days when I almost fell asleep in my tea from trying to juggle studying and being mum, but to be honest their dad wasn’t much use when were together so it wasn’t much different really.  But the best thing was that me and my beautiful kids were so close and happy and I couldn’t see a man fitting into all that.

But I missed sex!  Anne Summers is great and I could well have been responsible for Duracell’s shares going through the roof, but it wasn’t long before I started to miss the thrill of the chase and the foreplay.  I dipped my toe in the waters of the ‘lonely hearts’ ads in the local rag…and guess what I got…lonely hearts!  Yup, sad men in jumpers who only talked about their ex wives and how much they missed their kids.  I tried night clubbing and pubs and found men who loved the way I could shake my ample booty but who were either young enough to be my son or just too drunk to be of any use in the bedroom.  I tried dating friends of friends but that just got messy, I even dated a neighbour, but that got way out of hand when his mad ex threw a brick through the window! 

Then I got a pc to help me with my studying and discovered chat sites! How seedy hear some of you say!  Aren’t they full of perverts showing their bits on webcams or sad married men begging for phone or cyber sex?  Well yes and no.  I did get my fair share of men asking within seconds if I would do phone sex but I ignored them and also found lots of other people, men and women, who just wanted to chat about life.  People who, for one reason or another, found themselves at home alone with a keyboard & a mouse.  Other single parents, lonely once the kids were in bed, shy people who found the anonymity helped them feel be their true selves, shift workers who couldn’t get their sleep patterns right.  Me and my online buddies chatted till the small hours, confessing deep secrets and yes there was some flirting too.  Some of my ‘real’ friends also signed up and we chatted online for free rather than run up huge phone bills.

I met up with some guys, always on neutral ground and with my girlfriends well aware of where I was, who I was meeting and a back up plan in place if didn’t answer a text by a certain time and with the right answer!  Some I slept with and some I didn’t. It was fun and if I’m honest it suited me to have assignations with no strings attached and I don’t regret any of it.  I wasn’t looking for anything serious, although did fall for one guy but if I’m truthful our relationship was built on great sex and little else!  That didn’t last but I wiped my tears and moved on, I no longer defined myself by my relationships or lack of one, and life carried on.

I carried on chatting online with friends and made new ones too.  One of these new friends was a guy who lived in a nearby town.  He was very different to most of the guys I had talked to and met over the years, the flirtations were more subtle.  When he asked to meet me I agreed and went with an open mind and no agenda…for the first time in ages!  The rest is history!

 Five years later, as I sit at our dining table in our beautiful home writing this, I can say I am truly content.  I took me a long time to agree to live with him and it scared the living day lights out of me to make the huge commitment of buying a house together, but it scared me more to give up my independence.  But I needn’t have worried….this is different….he is different…I am different. 

He respects me for who I am, he loves my ample bum and finds my dizziness endearing! He buys me flowers when he has done nothing wrong and brings me breakfast in bed on a Sunday.  He gives me as much space as I need and never questions my movements or my spending habits.  He loves my kids and treats them as his own.  He doesn’t flirt with my friends or put me down.  He does snore and watches far too much ‘dave’ channel on Sky but then you can’t have everything!

I was happy as a single mum and am very proud of that part of my life, it taught me what I wanted from life and what is important and without that I would not be in a healthy relationship now.  But I am also happy now and have far more in my life than I ever dreamed possible.   My life now is what happened to other people as far as I was concerned a few years ago.  I suppose what I am trying to say is that I believe that it isn’t what happens to you that makes you who you are, it is what you do with it and you can decide to let being a single mum drag you down and be bitter or you can just get on with it and make life the best you can and see what happens.   If you meet someone special so be it, but if you don’t well it doesn’t mean you are a failure, unlovable or whatever negative self talk you give yourself, it just means you haven’t met the person who deserves you yet!

Single mum ~ well that’s the obvious bit. Be it from choice, divorce or bereavement.

Hard work ~ No kidding there. You seem to run around the whole time sorting everything out before moving on to the next thing to sort out.

Non Rewarding~ Yes they say thank you for the free taxi service but then they know they are in risk of walking next time. It’s the everyday things that go un-rewarded. You don’t get thanked for worrying over them, teaching them the day to day things.

Funny ~ You don’t normally find things funny at the time. It’s more when you look back at something you can see how funny it was. Like when my daughter shaved her younger brothers hair with my lady shave.

Social Outcast ~ Single doesn’t quiet fit into coupled gatherings. They don’t know if to invite you and you be the only uncoupled person or not invite you and risk upsetting you. Other couples eye you with suspicion. In some eyes I must be sex starved (yeah ok, hands up to that one) and so lonely that I will be after all males regardless if they are coupled up or not.

Just for the record I would like to put this one right. We may be single, sex starved and has the odd lonely moment but we do have morals, ethics and scruples. We are single, not stupid.

Tiring ~ By the time you have done a full days work, picked the children up, had tea, helped with homework, attended to any housework you cant get away with any more and finally sat down is normally time to go to bed to get some sleep before starting all over again the next day.

Lonely Non Existing Social Life ~ Babysitters are two expensive or non existent, helpful volunteering friends will always have something else on the one day of the year you finally do get asked out somewhere. You face the dilemma of socialising with couples which takes you to the social outcast bit again or socialising with your other single friends. It wasn’t until I was singe that I realised all my friends are coupled up. Note to self – find some single friends.

Determination ~ you simply can’t give up. It’s not like you can send the children back (ouch). You do it to prove to all those who say how difficult it is, that it can be done. You do it because you know it will get better. You do it because others have done it; you’re by no means the first person in this situation.

Exhausting ~ The next level up from tiring but with added  sick children all night, work deadlines and minor disasters at home like washing machine failure. Has been known that all these things go wrong at once.

Exhilarating ~ that moment when someone comments on how well behaved your children are. When someone says they admire you for what your doing. Those warm fuzzy moments when your child does something brilliant – you helped that child reach that point.

Confidence Building ~ shopping in the local supermarket with just children can induce every lonely granny in the area to stop and talk to you, you even grow to like talking to strangers. It is a case of you simply have to just get on do what ever a partner would do so your confidence builds with out you knowing.

Empowering ~ my children has a walk to school week every year. Being a WSM (working single mum) it is impossible to do this. I am not an athlete to walk the 2 miles too school, then 2 miles back to get the car, to then get to work. Nor do I have a time machine to do all that and get to work on time. I compromised and parked further away as having an ‘I walked to school’ sticker was of high importance to my two. Being brought up to be honest, it was not my kids fault to answer ‘no only up the hill’ when the teacher holding the prized stickers asked if we had walked. I suddenly had a moment of stance. I found myself defending my WSM label with honour.  The children had their sticker and we were never questioned in following years.

 Single is a solitary word that can be very soul destroying. If you let it be that is. Instead of dwelling on the negative points of what single means, I want to embrace the positive sides of single.

To me single means I do not have to share the duvet and if I want to roll myself up in like a sausage roll then I can.

It means I can truly be myself. Children aren’t really overly concerned if you have make up on or if under your clothes you are secretly hiding un-matching underwear.

It’s a real treat that when they have gone to bed the remote control is all mine. I can watch girly films till even I am bored of them and I seriously do not think they have made enough for that to happen.

If I decide I really want all the cushions in pink then I can, I do not have to have any great consultation about the interior design or lack of it with anyone.

I do not have to keep the peace with any one apart from the children and they know I am always right so I always win that one too.

I can finally figure out what I actually want. Where do I want my life to go.

Those things aside I do find it all very exhilarating and empowering.  When someone comments on how well behaved my children are or how good they are at something, I get a feeling over whelming pride that yes they are those things and I did that all on my own. The fights over fashions aren’t an issue any more, the times I fretted that I was a bad mum because I sent them to school without matching socks doesn’t really matter so much.

 Being exhausted becomes second nature to the point you don’t even realise your exhausted anymore. Single handily you’re responsible for all areas of your families needs. Juggling finances, making sure homework is done, feeding the tribe and managing their social lives. Having ‘me’ time can replenish your energy levels and remind you that you’re actually a person too. To keep you running on all cylinders, here are some of things I do to reclaim my precious ‘me’ time.

Although the idea of getting up earlier first sent me further under the duvet. I now enjoy it. I set the alarm just 20 minutes earlier than I need to. I refuse to use this time to get ahead of the housework but to have a cup of coffee in peace. To just listen to a quiet house can be bliss. If you’re a diary writer you could use the time to write. It did take me a week or so to get into being up 20 minutes earlier but now it’s a must for me.

My children are getting to the age that they want to stay up later and have different bedtimes. I have solved this by implementing a constant 8pm rule. They both have to be in bed at 8pm . The youngest to sleep but the older one can read in bed. Now that they both know this happens every night and that I am strict on it, there are no arguments and they have even been known to take themselves off to bed at 8pm when I have been stuck on the phone or caught up in something and lost track of time.

I have a night off once a week. It doesn’t cost me anything as it’s a night in. I am lucky they go to their dads one night a week so this is my night. I refuse all housework, all calls and most times don’t even have the TV on either. For me it’s a pamper night. I do my nails, eyebrows, bath then curl up in fresh clean bedding. For me that is my total bliss. If there are weeks they don’t go to their dads, I still do this but compromise by starting my pamper routine after they have gone to bed at 8pm.

Children are born with an inbuilt ability to know when you’re in the toilet. It’s at that exact moment they suddenly remember some long elaborate tail they need to tell you and continue to through the bathroom door or one child decides to half kill the other child. But shower time they are never anywhere to be seen. So I have hidden in the bathroom cabinet ‘posh’ shower gel. It’s my one luxury on my shopping list and no one else is allowed to touch it. It may be only 5 or 10 minutes but it counts towards my sanity.

Being a working mum, I obviously have the dreaded school runs on the way to work. After I have safely deposited the last child to school, I switch off the radio and drive in silence. It is only a brief journey to work but driving in the silence has a calming effect that sort of grounds me before I start work.

 With a long night ahead of me watching over a sick child, I’ve settled myself close by him with pen and paper. Caring for a sick child can really bring it home to you that you are a single parent. There is no one there to ‘bounce’ your worries and fears on. But it does mean I have to trust my gut instincts more.

A doctor once told me that when he has a sick child in his surgery, he could normally truly gage how poorly the child actually was by his mothers face. Being a mum brings with it that truly amazing mothers instinct. I cannot tell you where it comes from though. Maybe the midwives sneak it in seconds after you have given birth when you are not looking and so whacked out you unaware of what is happening or maybe new mums in hospitals are served special food laced with it. But its there.

For me it did take a bit of time to show through and a few dodgy mishaps along the way. I do not think I truly found mine or learned actually to feel it and trust it till I became single. Not having someone around to doubt you or question your thinking does make you figure out the situation yourself quicker. Plus being busy, as we all know we are your adrenalin makes you decide and prioritise quicker. You simply do not have enough time to sit and consider what disease the symptoms might indicate. Besides that sort of thing always pops back into your head when you are trying to get to sleep. Instead you access, treat and get onto the next thing.

So here I am sat quietly listening to his breathing, well that should actually be snoring. He is all tucked up, perfectly fine, and blissfully unaware that while he is snoring for England, I am sat on his bedroom floor worrying about him while writing about trusting gut instinct and mothers intuition. I think its time I went off to bed to sleep ad believed in myself again.