Confessions of a Single Mum

Archive for the ‘New to Being Single’ Category

You feel your marriage has hit an all time low but not sure if you want a divorce? 

Often after a divorce, people will look back and say they wished they had tried harder. Divorce isn’t an easy option and you should be really sure as possible before going down this route. It can be costly not just in money terms but emotionally too. If possible try couples counselling. Talking to a third impartial party can help and then after counselling you decide you do want a divorce then at least you know you have tried everything possible to save your marriage.

If I sought legal advice would my husband find out? 

Just because you have talked to a solicitor it doesn’t mean you have started a divorce. You can find out from your solicitor your rights and if your marriage gets back on track then at least you haven’t lost anything. Your meeting will be treated in confidence so unless you tell your husband then no he wouldn’t find out.

Would a trial separation work?

Everyone is different. What works for some, doesn’t work for others. The time apart may be what you need or it may confirm to you that a divorce is what you want.

Friends and family are telling me to leave him.

As well meaning as friends and family are at giving advice don’t let them railroad you into a decision. They are not in your marriage and are making judgements from outside and without all the facts. It’s a very personal decision that only you can make. 

Though we are splitting up, neither of us want to move out during the divorce.

Financial constraints may mean you can’t move out and neither of you have to. But emotionally it might be better to live separately. Even if you are the one initiating the divorce, you don’t have to be the one who has to leave. It’s probably best and more stable for the children for them to stay in their home if possible. Think before you do anything and seek professional advice. 

If I leave would I lose any rights I have to my house? 

No. If the house is in both names or solely in your name then legally you don’t lose any rights at all. It is though in practise easier to keep control of the legal process if you are still in the house. Talk to your lawyer before you act.

I think my husband is going to react badly when I tell him I’m leaving him.

If you think he may react badly then consider having a mutual friend or family member with you when you tell him, they might be able to calm him down and are there for your safety too.

What do I tell everyone? 

You tell them as little or as much as you want. There is no need to be ashamed and might even be a relief to stop pretending everything is fine. You’re not the first nor will you be the last person to go through a divorce so you will probably find a lot of support and sympathy.

Ok so you been dumped (or you want to know what to do if it happens again). It can be one of the most painful things to experience. I know I have been through natural childbirth and that was a piece of cake compared to a broken heart. The best thing for your sanity, I promise, is to use some breakup etiquette. (Some of this might not apply if you have been caught sleeping with his mate, half the football team or anything else that’s not good behaviour)

I know it’s hard not to take it personally when some you have counted on turns and says they don’t want to see you again. But it doesn’t mean you are broken in anyway. The relationship was broken and he is telling you that it’s not right for him anymore. Respect that he has feelings and he is just being honest.

If he has come out with the ‘we will still be friends line’, it doesn’t mean he might change his mind. He is probably trying to ease his own conscience. Before you even house the idea of trying to be friends you need distance, time and to heal. Then decide if his friendship is what you want.

Don’t contact him. No you don’t really need to. Take all his details out of your phone. Box up anything of his or reminds you of his into a box and store away in the garage. No, this doesn’t mean leaving it on the lawn to ruin his prize book collection in the rain. Remember you’re a nice person really and right now your emotions are ruling your normally sane mind.

Call closet friends. They will be your support system through the tough days. And if you’re wailing at the screen that you don’t have any friends or that none of your friends understand then email me. I understand, I will answer and I have been there.

These are just a few quick points but the main thing is to do even though your heart is breaking in two and you really don’t want to be hearing the news, muster every bit of strength you can and hold your head up high. Walk away with dignity. Or at very least till you’re out of sight before you start crying your heart out.

There will be a time in your life when he just isn’t the right one for you; He no longer hits your buttons and its time to call it a day. We know its heart breaking so now isn’t the time to seek revenge on all men who have trampled all over your heart in a less than human way. Use some break up etiquette.

 Don’t drag it out- the dead is best done when you realise that it has to be done. Don’t drag it out weeks or months while you figure out what you want in life. It’s wasting yours and his time and it is selfish. Oh and do it face to face. If your old enought o be swapping bodily fluids then you are old enough to do things properly and if it means face to face then get on with it. You wouldn’t like to be dumped via the phone, email or text.

 Be definitive – this is about your feelings so be confident in them. It’s not a request to analyse your feelings and debate the issue. It sounds harsh but deliver the news, making it clear it’s about your feelings and not a short fall in the other person.

 Don’t give hope – Don’t use the lines like ‘I hope we can be friends’. Your only saying this to ease your conscience and if you truly mean it you know that distance and healing needs to be done first before there is any hope of friendship. Trying to be friends the next day only gives them false hope that it can be rekindled.

 Be honest but humane- Just because you are delivering the news that you don’t want to see them again doesn’t mean it’s a chance to list every little flaw and problem in them and the relationship. Let him have some dignity.

 Leave them alone- No you don’t have to just check they are ok. It will confuse them. Yes you may be missing them and yes you may feel bad but you wanted out. Give him the space to hate you and get over you.

After a breakup your confidence can often plummet to all time lows. Those jeans that you thought you look good in suddenly don’t make you feel good at all. You’re probably feeling very unlovable so if a new person comes along and shows signs of finding you attractive it can give you an enormous confidence boost and lessen the heartache of past rejection. Friends may also be encouraging you to get back out there as there are plenty more fish in the sea. But jumping in too soon without grieving and learning from the past only takes all the unresolved issues into the new relationship. Rebound relationships, because of this, seldom work. They are unfair on the other person and more importantly unfair on you.

The opposite of rebound are the ones who find it hard to love again. For some they are stuck, unable to move on even years after the relationship ended.

What both these situations have in common is that the relationship didn’t reach a proper ending. To learn, to recovery and to move on properly. It’s called the grieving process and is applicable if going through loosing some in bereavement or an ending of a relationship. Those who embark on a rebound relationship are trying to skip the grieving; those who can’t love again become stuck in their grief.

So what is the grieving process? Well it has 5 stages and different people will go through it in different ways. Some might get through the lot in one day; other might take days or even weeks on each stage. It is also common that once you have reached the end something happens and you have to go start it all again , but the good news  is will be easier. It’s not just the dumpee who will experience these emotions, the one who left will also go through the stages too.

Denial – the first response to bad news is numbness. The “it can’t be happening to me” moment. Denial is a sort of buffer against the shock providing you a breathing space to control your thoughts and get your coping strategies and supporters rallied into place.

Anger – it finally sinks in and you can’t get away form the fact it is happening to you. You will go through all the questions of why it is happening to you, why did you deserve this. You might be angry at your partner for doing something wrong or angry at your self for not spotting any signs or making mistakes.

Bargaining – at this point you now realise that your anger is getting you no where fast so your natural coping mechanisms kick in. you remember as a kid demanding something seldom worked so now you resort to the asking nicely faze. Bargaining is fine for short term but all it is doing is postponing the inevitable.

Depression – so the asking nicely didn’t work either so the depression sinks in. This can still be healthy though if we learn form it and not mask it with alcohol and other coping strategies. Depression is a way of your body half shutting down so that you mind can figure things out.

Acceptance – Even though you might not have wanted the relationship to end you finally reach the point you accept it has. Sometime there may be set backs when a song or place triggers memories but generally in acceptance more time is spent in looking forward rather than looking back.

Few Quick helps

• Feel the emotions; accept you got to go through them.

• Do things you couldn’t or didn’t do before. I actually like the colour pink but my partner hated it. So now I smile every time I wear pink because it is something I wouldn’t do before.

• Use the time to learn about yourself, what do you actually want from a relationship? What do you really want out of life?

• Work on you. You now have the time to take care of you. Though the idea of exercise is probably the last thing you actually want to do, do try. Studies have shown that endorphins ( chemicals that cause pleasure signals in the brain ) drop when someone is down leaving a person feeling depressed. Exercise has been shown to raise endorphin levels. Plus your taking care of your body and getting it into better shape.

• Move to out of sight the things that remind you of them. You don’t have to throw it all away but put in a box out of sight. Now is also a good time to remove their number from your phone. You might also need to move all the photos on the computer etc.

• Write a journal. Vent all your feelings in it. When you feel the need to contact them and tell them how you feel, write it all down in your journal. Never send it though.

• If you shared home together, move furniture around to make it feel more your space not the space you had together. You then might decide you really didn’t like the colour scheme and start making plans to decorate how you want now.

• Treat yourself. My personal favourite is new bedding. Treat yourself to something that you like, even if it is really girly, impractical and ridiculously expensive. Then going to bed and waking up is that little bit nicer.

• Remember you are not the first or the last to go through this. The time will pass. You will love again.

Everyone in their lifetime will probably experience the heartbreak of a relationship ending. For some it is a devastating experience with many feeling lost, disoriented, and lonely and as if the world has just ended.

It is only natural that when you have an emotional loss that you go through stages that are the same as grief, as you are experiencing the death of something. There are no magical cures or short cuts through the process. It is a painful experience but you do come through it and usually stronger, wiser and a more loving person than before.

When a relationship ends you are faced with two choices. You can either make yourself miserable and dwell on what could have been or face the trauma with courage.

Many will go into a phase of denial and even the ones who feel elated or freed will at some point acknowledge the huge impact that the break up has had on their life.

Anger is a common feeling to feel after the break up. Although you think you will feel loads better to seek revenge in some form, bear in mind it will have impact on not just you but others around you. That other people will view you in different ways after you have sought your revenge and worked out your anger on them. Find another way to work the anger out. Put your energy into exercise or something you love doing.

Try to understand why the relationship failed. Try to look at it from a fly on the wall perspective. Some find it helpful to write a list of the ex’s good and bad points. Over time you might return to this list and change things and probably move things out of the good point section and move them into the bad section.

Blaming it all on the other person isn’t a healthy option as though it makes you feel better it is also portraying you as a victim. Though sad but also very true you can’t not have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you.

In order to get through the pain you have to feel it and acknowledge it and accept it. So getting drunk will just numb it and denying there is anything wrong just puts off the inevitable.

See your break up as a new beginning in you life for you. You may now be able to do things you weren’t able to do before. You may not feel like doing any of them but muster up every ounce of courage and take small steps. It’s a learning experience. Look at your role in the last relationship, how can you learn from it.

This time will pass. Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and you should let the ups be the moments that define you, not the downs.

Your wish list regarding men might be the thing that’s the problem. It might be attracting all the Mr Wrongs. If I was asked what my wish list for the ideal man is then I might answer with honest, romantic and trusting. But these things describe a relationship not an individual. If I put out an advert for a man who is honest, romantic and trusting there would be hundreds of men who would say they are all those things.

Honest – Does anyone openly admit to being dishonest? If you were a man would say sorry I am a game player so I don’t think were compatible?

Trusting – Announcing you want honesty (and trust) doesn’t mean you will get it. There are two types of men, the ones who try not to be dishonest and those who get a kick from being dishonest. And by saying you are searching for these things tend to bring out of the wood work the dishonest men. How? Well they will read it as you been hurt and fooled in the past so must be easily fooled. They can tell you what you want to hear but will go on to be all the things you don’t want. The honest man will admit to his faults. So don’t rule out the men who bravely admit their faults as they are actually being honest.

Romantic – Men see romance differently then women. To a women romance is about how he feels about you when he isn’t with you. That he misses you and thinks of you so shows you small ways. Notes in unexpected places or flowers for no reason. Men see romance as a grand gesture when it’s expected when they are with you. They think one offs all guns blazing with a meal and flowers and candle light is romance as to them it is. So if a man says he is romantic it’s probably not the romance as we think of it.  

So readdress your wish list. Throw out the generic words. Get down to what would make him different to other men. What makes him Mr Right for you and not another woman?

 If you have suddenly found yourself in the situation of being a single parent, you may be struggling to know how to get through each day. Weeks are long and you don’t even want to contemplate months. You may be suddenly faced with decisions you never thought you would have to make. You will find strength in your self that you never knew you had. I did. I went through the agonising pain but I have come through the other side and my children are perfectly normal well rounded individuals. Here are few things that got me through it all.

Support-

Building your own support network around you is so important. It is important that its people you know you can depend on. Close friends and family will normally be your first thought. But is you actually write a list you might be surprised who else will be on it. Writing it down, reaffirms that you are not actually alone. I wrote my list down in a pocket fancy note pad and kept it in my bag. My support group was, in a way, always with me.

Time Out-

Make sure you have time alone. It’s good to have friends and family always there to check your ok but you will also benefit immensely from having time on your own. It will give you a chance to just sit, ponder and think. I found it really beneficial. I was able to put things into perspective, it gave me valuable healing. I would have a bath in the evenings to give me the 10 minutes space and calm I needed.

Time with your Children-

You will probably be spending a lot of time with your children in just body but not in mind. Your mind will be racing off on all other tangents. Make sure you do something with your children where you there in mind and body. I would play a board game or go for a walk with them. I would make sure that I would concentrate on just that. I wouldn’t allow myself to let my mind wonder. It helped my children see that I was ok and that they would be ok.

Don’t make any quick, rash decisions.

It’s easy to make these when you want a situation to change or go away and you might not be making the right decision. Be informed on your financial situation then make any decisions on living arrangements and finances when you have had chance to seek professional advice. Make decisions at your pace, when you’re ready to.

Allow yourself to grieve.

Becoming singe can come from many different journeys. Be it loss of a spouse, a marriage breakdown or re-adjusting your dreams. It’s a loss and a loss needs to go through the grieving process to enable you to eventually move on.

Your Health .

Your health will be the last thing on your mind and you have probably gone right off food. I really went off my food and then when I did eat, I wasn’t eating properly. By not having the right nourishments and vitamins from the right foods I made myself a lot worse than I actually needed to be. I can’t stress how important it is to eat healthy food. For you to be able to look after your children, you first have to be well enough to do so.

Let go of things that don’t work for you.

Be it attitudes, habits or choices. Same goes for things in your past that you can’t change. Let go of any unhealthy guilt or remorse.

Finally don’t be afraid to ask for help.

It doesn’t mean your less of a person, it actually means quiet the opposite as asking for help can be the hardest thing to do. You don’t have to pretend to be a super hero and save the world all by your self. Save that for another day, it will still be there.