Confessions of a Single Mum

Archive for the ‘Single Mum and Dating’ Category

Ok so you been dumped (or you want to know what to do if it happens again). It can be one of the most painful things to experience. I know I have been through natural childbirth and that was a piece of cake compared to a broken heart. The best thing for your sanity, I promise, is to use some breakup etiquette. (Some of this might not apply if you have been caught sleeping with his mate, half the football team or anything else that’s not good behaviour)

I know it’s hard not to take it personally when some you have counted on turns and says they don’t want to see you again. But it doesn’t mean you are broken in anyway. The relationship was broken and he is telling you that it’s not right for him anymore. Respect that he has feelings and he is just being honest.

If he has come out with the ‘we will still be friends line’, it doesn’t mean he might change his mind. He is probably trying to ease his own conscience. Before you even house the idea of trying to be friends you need distance, time and to heal. Then decide if his friendship is what you want.

Don’t contact him. No you don’t really need to. Take all his details out of your phone. Box up anything of his or reminds you of his into a box and store away in the garage. No, this doesn’t mean leaving it on the lawn to ruin his prize book collection in the rain. Remember you’re a nice person really and right now your emotions are ruling your normally sane mind.

Call closet friends. They will be your support system through the tough days. And if you’re wailing at the screen that you don’t have any friends or that none of your friends understand then email me. I understand, I will answer and I have been there.

These are just a few quick points but the main thing is to do even though your heart is breaking in two and you really don’t want to be hearing the news, muster every bit of strength you can and hold your head up high. Walk away with dignity. Or at very least till you’re out of sight before you start crying your heart out.

There will be a time in your life when he just isn’t the right one for you; He no longer hits your buttons and its time to call it a day. We know its heart breaking so now isn’t the time to seek revenge on all men who have trampled all over your heart in a less than human way. Use some break up etiquette.

 Don’t drag it out- the dead is best done when you realise that it has to be done. Don’t drag it out weeks or months while you figure out what you want in life. It’s wasting yours and his time and it is selfish. Oh and do it face to face. If your old enought o be swapping bodily fluids then you are old enough to do things properly and if it means face to face then get on with it. You wouldn’t like to be dumped via the phone, email or text.

 Be definitive – this is about your feelings so be confident in them. It’s not a request to analyse your feelings and debate the issue. It sounds harsh but deliver the news, making it clear it’s about your feelings and not a short fall in the other person.

 Don’t give hope – Don’t use the lines like ‘I hope we can be friends’. Your only saying this to ease your conscience and if you truly mean it you know that distance and healing needs to be done first before there is any hope of friendship. Trying to be friends the next day only gives them false hope that it can be rekindled.

 Be honest but humane- Just because you are delivering the news that you don’t want to see them again doesn’t mean it’s a chance to list every little flaw and problem in them and the relationship. Let him have some dignity.

 Leave them alone- No you don’t have to just check they are ok. It will confuse them. Yes you may be missing them and yes you may feel bad but you wanted out. Give him the space to hate you and get over you.

After a breakup your confidence can often plummet to all time lows. Those jeans that you thought you look good in suddenly don’t make you feel good at all. You’re probably feeling very unlovable so if a new person comes along and shows signs of finding you attractive it can give you an enormous confidence boost and lessen the heartache of past rejection. Friends may also be encouraging you to get back out there as there are plenty more fish in the sea. But jumping in too soon without grieving and learning from the past only takes all the unresolved issues into the new relationship. Rebound relationships, because of this, seldom work. They are unfair on the other person and more importantly unfair on you.

The opposite of rebound are the ones who find it hard to love again. For some they are stuck, unable to move on even years after the relationship ended.

What both these situations have in common is that the relationship didn’t reach a proper ending. To learn, to recovery and to move on properly. It’s called the grieving process and is applicable if going through loosing some in bereavement or an ending of a relationship. Those who embark on a rebound relationship are trying to skip the grieving; those who can’t love again become stuck in their grief.

So what is the grieving process? Well it has 5 stages and different people will go through it in different ways. Some might get through the lot in one day; other might take days or even weeks on each stage. It is also common that once you have reached the end something happens and you have to go start it all again , but the good news  is will be easier. It’s not just the dumpee who will experience these emotions, the one who left will also go through the stages too.

Denial – the first response to bad news is numbness. The “it can’t be happening to me” moment. Denial is a sort of buffer against the shock providing you a breathing space to control your thoughts and get your coping strategies and supporters rallied into place.

Anger – it finally sinks in and you can’t get away form the fact it is happening to you. You will go through all the questions of why it is happening to you, why did you deserve this. You might be angry at your partner for doing something wrong or angry at your self for not spotting any signs or making mistakes.

Bargaining – at this point you now realise that your anger is getting you no where fast so your natural coping mechanisms kick in. you remember as a kid demanding something seldom worked so now you resort to the asking nicely faze. Bargaining is fine for short term but all it is doing is postponing the inevitable.

Depression – so the asking nicely didn’t work either so the depression sinks in. This can still be healthy though if we learn form it and not mask it with alcohol and other coping strategies. Depression is a way of your body half shutting down so that you mind can figure things out.

Acceptance – Even though you might not have wanted the relationship to end you finally reach the point you accept it has. Sometime there may be set backs when a song or place triggers memories but generally in acceptance more time is spent in looking forward rather than looking back.

So you’ve decided your about to take the plunge into online dating. In essence what you’re going to try to achieve is selling yourself, so before you go wading in and then end up starring blankly at the profile page, here a few pointers in writing a good personal ad.

Many of the dating sites provide templates and questionnaires to help, but you will have to have some writing input into it with things like your profile name, hook line ( one sentence that sums you up ) and a bit about you.

The internet dating gurus recommend writing a bit more about you then just a few sentences as the brief profiles tend to get passed over.

It is important to describe yourself as honestly as possible. The questionnaire bit normally takes care of the weight, height, colouring, body type, religion, smoking/drinking preferences, education and profession. Be honest with this as trying to pretend your into the stock market to snare a rich chap or that you’re a 6 foot model when your not doesn’t do you any favours and wasting your own plus others time.

When you think up your username try to steer clear of the ‘cutesy bunnies’ and ‘never found love’ types and don’t use anything that gives exact information about you. In your bit about you, you can mention hobbies and interests you like. Try and write with a personal touch instead of coming across cold and factual. Be humble but stay away from self-deprecating humour.

Some good words to try and include – sophisticated, loving, generous, reliable, my colleagues describe me as…… affectionate, likes to cuddle, sensitive, caring, down to earth, looking for best friend.

Words to defiantly avoid using (even if you are all of them) – great in bed, animal, great lover, erotic, uninhibited and other sexual connotations.

Also spell check and check your grammar. People notice these things in a little box. It’s good also to include what kind of person you want to respond to your ad and also state if you are just looking for friendship, casual relationship or marriage material.

As for posting a photo of you – the internet dating gurus reckon that the ads with photos get up to ten times more response then those without. So it’s your call on that one but if you do, choose you’re best recent photo and don’t even bother with a pretend picture of a model. Your profile might get rejected.

So if the general advice is that its compatibility that makes a relationship work, what exactly makes us compatible?

For starters think of all the friendships you have and had in your life with both male and females. Now think of those that you consider your best friend, the ones that friendship is effortless. That click you had with that person, you probably find you have had a lot of common ground but compliment each other in other areas.

That’s the sort of compatibility you want in a relationship. Its bit like your very best friend and fancy each other. You goal is to find someone who will ultimately be your partner. In the best and successful partnerships they complement each other, provide strengths where the other needs them. One may be good at organising time the other handling money. It’s easier if you’re not always competing against each other. For example two people who think they are the better one at handling money will silently compete against each other.

Another thing to think on is can you imagine running out of things to say to each other? You hopefully will be sitting across a dining table with for many years. Good friends never tire of talking to each other because they find each others thoughts interesting. They also like to experience things together, explore new territory together, mentally and physically.

You’re not looking for an exact replica of yourself as that would be predictable and irritating. Contrasts make your friendship exciting and challenging. But also too big a contrast that will cause problems so in some areas it is better to be more similar in areas that are your fundamental values like politics, religion and morals.

Everyone in their lifetime will probably experience the heartbreak of a relationship ending. For some it is a devastating experience with many feeling lost, disoriented, and lonely and as if the world has just ended.

It is only natural that when you have an emotional loss that you go through stages that are the same as grief, as you are experiencing the death of something. There are no magical cures or short cuts through the process. It is a painful experience but you do come through it and usually stronger, wiser and a more loving person than before.

When a relationship ends you are faced with two choices. You can either make yourself miserable and dwell on what could have been or face the trauma with courage.

Many will go into a phase of denial and even the ones who feel elated or freed will at some point acknowledge the huge impact that the break up has had on their life.

Anger is a common feeling to feel after the break up. Although you think you will feel loads better to seek revenge in some form, bear in mind it will have impact on not just you but others around you. That other people will view you in different ways after you have sought your revenge and worked out your anger on them. Find another way to work the anger out. Put your energy into exercise or something you love doing.

Try to understand why the relationship failed. Try to look at it from a fly on the wall perspective. Some find it helpful to write a list of the ex’s good and bad points. Over time you might return to this list and change things and probably move things out of the good point section and move them into the bad section.

Blaming it all on the other person isn’t a healthy option as though it makes you feel better it is also portraying you as a victim. Though sad but also very true you can’t not have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you.

In order to get through the pain you have to feel it and acknowledge it and accept it. So getting drunk will just numb it and denying there is anything wrong just puts off the inevitable.

See your break up as a new beginning in you life for you. You may now be able to do things you weren’t able to do before. You may not feel like doing any of them but muster up every ounce of courage and take small steps. It’s a learning experience. Look at your role in the last relationship, how can you learn from it.

This time will pass. Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and you should let the ups be the moments that define you, not the downs.

Just because you’re a single parent and have found yourself suddenly single, it doesn’t mean that you will be on your own for the rest of your life or have to rule out finding love again. You might be a bit hesitant and this is perfectly natural. But at some point you will have to find your confidence and self esteem so you can get back out there. There is only so many months you can sanely talk to only children, you will want adult conversation that doesn’t include Thomas the tank engine or the latest pop sensation being mentioned.

 Many single parents haven’t dated for a very long time so you might feel reluctant to put your self in a postioin of potential rejection. Well reaction is a normal part of dating and not too personal. After all you wont just launch yourself at the first person to show interest in you. You might not like them so it might be you doing the rejecting.

 Dragging your past into a new relationship isn’t healthy and a sign that you’re not completely over the past. If you are finding it hard to not live in the past then you might benefit from some counselling to help you move on.

 It’s also important to date for the right reasons and not just date for emotional revenge or with the illusion that a new romantic partner will somehow fix what is broken in your day to day life. You should want to be with them for all the right reasons not just because it means an extra pair of hands around the house or financial help.

 Remember too that you come as a complete package. It’s important that your romantic interest likes children, understands they are not there to discipline your children and they should be mature enough to understand the demands as a parent you will have to attend to without them getting jealous of your time with your children.

 Don’t introduce new romances to the children till your certain it has long term potential. Introducing many romances into the children’s lives will create confusion and insecurity and sometimes resentment.

 Lastly go slowly. A new person who is worth having will understand you need for going slowly.

There are many dating sites to choose from. There are the major sites, smaller sites, free sites, niche sites that cover every imaginable niche and probably a few more I have missed.

Don’t just jump on the first dating site you come across or is recommended to you. When you have narrowed down your choices, have a look at each dating site from several angles. You can have a look around most dating sites with out having to sign up meaning your remain completely anonymous. You get a bit of taster of what sort of people already subscribed.

Then sign up to a few. This is still free and will mean you have to pick a username, password and give email details. All of which they keep hidden from everyone else. You will then have to write a profile about yourself. Depending on how brave you are you will have the option to upload a picture. Don’t put any personal information in your profile like address or telephone numbers. Apart from being appealing to other members, your profile is there to keep you safe. This step still shouldn’t cost anything and will mean you can have a better look round. Use this as an opportunity to test out several sites. To see if you like the layout, to see if the search facility is as precise as you want it to be and how they present the results.

Lastly when you have found a site you are happy with and feel ready to contact a few members, you can take the final step of subscribing. This will generally allow you to contact other members and sometimes extra search facilities. It is usually done in monthly blocks and is bought in blocks of 3 or 6 months will turn out cheaper.

Remember to keep yourself safe.