Confessions of a Single Mum

Archive for the ‘Single Mum Ramblings’ Category

One of the main things about Christmas is the sense of magic that the children have. Their little faces lit up with the sheer excitement and belief that a 6ft fat bloke in a red suit does actually deliver their presents. It is also a god send to harassed parents as the old cliché line of being good for Santa can be recited when needed in the build up to the season. Read the rest of this entry »

Believe in yourself and magic will happen – I think this can sum up the highs and lows of being a single mum. When you first start out its daunting to think you will be doing it all yourself. Then as time goes along you sudden realises it’s been weeks or months or in my case years and your still surviving. Sometimes though, doubt can creep into your mind. Are you doing the right thing, are you too strict or not strict enough. Read the rest of this entry »

I had a conversation the other day with my two children that I thought I would never have. It was about what my childhood was like. It was nothing ghoulish or outstanding, though from their reactions I could have been explaining I was a secret axe murderer. I never occurred to me I would have this conversation as I don’t consider myself that old despite racing towards 40 with my handbrake apparently not working any more. When I was a child I thought they surely must have invented everything possible and nothing could be improved as I thought life was pretty modern compared to my mother’s childhood. How wrong I am.

My children listened open mouthed as I explained about the different sweets and cartoon characters I had grown up with, not to mention vinyl instead of CD’s etc. But it totally knocked them when I explained there were no mobile phones and even some people didn’t have normal house hold phones.

‘How did you arrange to meet up in the holidays?’ my daughter asked who is of the age she is permanently texting to arrange this and that. Imagine her shock when I explained it was either pre-arranged or you called by their house. The news that I would write to my friends was just completely jaw dropping. Their reactions intrigued me so I pursued the conversation telling them how modern life actually is now. The invention of dishwashers and tumble dryers all being in my living memory. How their Nan brought me up with no washing machine or microwave and the days when we had no TV.

Now I know life progresses and things improve but have we actually improved our lives? My mother at my age was twice as fit as I am with all the annual housework. I, in comparison, use all the costly labour saving devices then pay to go to the gym. Or how I buy all the conveyance foods and supermarket junk complete with the over the top packaging etc only to try afterwards to coax some good food like fruit into them. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go back to basics and cook it all myself knowing that it has all the good things in it and cutting out the weekly fruit and supermarket battle?

Are we really moving forward or just making more work for ourselves.

This afternoon I spent four hours at an indoor soft play centre. How, you may be wondering, did I do this without wanting to drown myself in the ball pit? Easy. The key to this kind of activity is to lay down some ground rules and for me this equates to one simple fact – under no circumstances will I indulge in play of any kind. My daughter knows what to expect – I will not have a go on the slide, no I don’t fancy seeing how many balls I can catch at once and I absolutely will not be humiliating myself by trying to roll my whole body through a giant foam mangle.

This may seem cruel, but the whole point of paid for play is that I get let off the responsibility of being an endless source of entertainment. Parenting generally is exhausting. Parenting alone is relentless and it is crucial to give yourself time out now and again.

Of course it does seem slightly perverse to pay to spend the afternoon indoors on what has turned out to be one of the sunniest days this month, but I comfort myself with the fact that I am actually protecting us both from harmful UV rays. I have never been the kind of mum to remember sun lotion, so this is the next best thing.

Sure we could have romped through woods looking for animal tracks or other such wholesome activities, but then it’s difficult to read the papers when you are attempting to bluff your way in tree identification. You can try the park, but the chances are at our local that you’ll have to contend with a steady stream of bored teenagers swearing and hogging all the best stuff. Plus at the park there is no escape from the plaintive cries of ‘mummy can you push me on the swings?’

At our indoor soft play centre my energetic seven year old is guaranteed to find a friend and I am off the hook. After ten minutes she is already holding hands with one of the big girls and I am a good way through The Times. I have brought with me a selection of papers, magazines and books – the second rule of soft play is to be prepared – and I work my way happily through them, easily blocking out the screams of toddlers and the flashing of the muted flat screen TVs that line the walls.

Soft play is basically low cost childcare. For a paltry £14 a month I can have unlimited access – all I need to do is repeat this afternoon’s session a few times a week and I’m looking at an hourly rate of about 27p. Bargain. Sure, it’s no Montessori, but my daughter has a great time and after a few hours with my head in a book I feel refreshed and ready to climb back on the never ending merry go round of single parenthood.

Kindly written by Jo Middleton. Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

You feel your marriage has hit an all time low but not sure if you want a divorce? 

Often after a divorce, people will look back and say they wished they had tried harder. Divorce isn’t an easy option and you should be really sure as possible before going down this route. It can be costly not just in money terms but emotionally too. If possible try couples counselling. Talking to a third impartial party can help and then after counselling you decide you do want a divorce then at least you know you have tried everything possible to save your marriage.

If I sought legal advice would my husband find out? 

Just because you have talked to a solicitor it doesn’t mean you have started a divorce. You can find out from your solicitor your rights and if your marriage gets back on track then at least you haven’t lost anything. Your meeting will be treated in confidence so unless you tell your husband then no he wouldn’t find out.

Would a trial separation work?

Everyone is different. What works for some, doesn’t work for others. The time apart may be what you need or it may confirm to you that a divorce is what you want.

Friends and family are telling me to leave him.

As well meaning as friends and family are at giving advice don’t let them railroad you into a decision. They are not in your marriage and are making judgements from outside and without all the facts. It’s a very personal decision that only you can make. 

Though we are splitting up, neither of us want to move out during the divorce.

Financial constraints may mean you can’t move out and neither of you have to. But emotionally it might be better to live separately. Even if you are the one initiating the divorce, you don’t have to be the one who has to leave. It’s probably best and more stable for the children for them to stay in their home if possible. Think before you do anything and seek professional advice. 

If I leave would I lose any rights I have to my house? 

No. If the house is in both names or solely in your name then legally you don’t lose any rights at all. It is though in practise easier to keep control of the legal process if you are still in the house. Talk to your lawyer before you act.

I think my husband is going to react badly when I tell him I’m leaving him.

If you think he may react badly then consider having a mutual friend or family member with you when you tell him, they might be able to calm him down and are there for your safety too.

What do I tell everyone? 

You tell them as little or as much as you want. There is no need to be ashamed and might even be a relief to stop pretending everything is fine. You’re not the first nor will you be the last person to go through a divorce so you will probably find a lot of support and sympathy.

Coping as a single mum is not easy. I admit its hard work and even I am often found wishing the world to stop spinning for a moment as I am sure this isn’t the life I ordered. But if I, who am unorganised, scatty and thinks way too much, can do it then I have every faith in you being able to do it.

The key is to stop panicking that you can’t do it, stop and breathe for a moment. Calm yourself and your fears of raising unsociable, odd socked and misfit children. You’re using up energy worrying about it ( and maybe even making yourself ill) that could be put to better, more positive  use.

Now write a list of what is important to you. Everyone’s list will be different and there is no right or wrong things to put on the list. If it’s important to you and you don’t think you’re coping with it then put it on the list. (Don’t say all of it- be more specific). It can be simple small things that seem huge right now. It can be huge things that you might have to get out side advice for. You would laugh if you read my list. I even had the small unimportant thing of not letting my children ever go out the door in odd socks. Sounds silly to me now but for me at the time it was important.

After prioritising your list, don’t look at it as a list of failures but a list of challenges to be over come. Tackle each item one by one. Some things will just need a bit or advanced organising (like my odd sock thing) to other things you might need to seek advice for.  Just the sheer fact of writing it down will help. When you start ticking things off it should hopefully all become easier.

Telling the children about your intended separation or divorce is never going to be easy. You might not be able to choose when you tell them but if you are able to try and not tell them when something important is happening in their lives like exams. Ideally the pair of you will sit down with all the children and talk to them. Sadly this may not be the case and you might have to deliver the news single handed.

• Be as honest and open as possible
• Be calm and optimistic about the future
• Say that you are upset/angry/anxious but don’t get over emotional
• Reassure then that you both love them
• Reassure them that they will still see you both
• Reassure them that it wasn’t their fault
• Be prepared with details of what going to happen
• Be prepared to answer their questions
• Let them know that they can talk to either of you about the situation at any time
• Make your talk age appropriate
• Don’t blame or criticise each other
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep
• Don’t tell them to keep it a secret
• Don’t go into unnecessary details of your relationship

As we all know men can get quiet good at being liars. Maybe that is why there more male poker players then women. But if you can learn a bit about bluffing, then at least your one step ahead. Over at pinkpoker a poker site for women, they explore how people lie and what to look for. Failing that, learn to play poker and just beat them at the poker tables.