My birth mum took longer to reply to the first letter, as she had married and now had three children with her husband. He knew of me and my adoption but her children didn’t.  She, sensibly, took time to discuss if replying was the right thing to do and to also explain to her children what was happening.

It was several months after I had met by birth father that my birth mother and I arranged to meet. As the two grandmothers still lived in the same houses, which were actually just streets apart, she had arranged to stay with her mum for a few days  and I went up to stay with my birth father. It was arranged that we would meet up on the Sunday afternoon at her mother’s house. Nerves were starting to get to me, so my birth father dragged me out for a walk.

We were walking down the street talking about nothing when he suddenly stopped and said he was sorry it was going to happen like this. He was looking at a woman walking down the street with some groceries in her arms. She looked like any other ordinary woman in the street, apart from one thing; she was the exact image of me. The hair, the eyes, the bone structure, her height, her build, everything was just like me. She of course didn’t look like me; it was more that I looked like her, as she was indeed my birth mother. There was no need for introductions; we all knew who each other was. The closest way to explain the impromptu meeting on the street is to imagine you never saw a mirror in your life and then suddenly seeing yourself for the first time. I think I just stared at her for what seemed like hours and not the seconds it actually was.

By the afternoon ‘meet up’ I had composed myself and got over the shock of looking like someone and managed to stare less. I met my grandmother and my birth mum (again) over good old fashioned tea and cake. Family photo albums were dragged out and dusted off as I had a whistle stop tour of the family tree in pictures.

Over the following months I met her husband and my half sister and half brothers. There was never any resentment or atmosphere, but I was very aware that this was her family now. I stayed in contact with my birth mum for many years, although now we have no correspondence. I know where she is and she knows how to get in contact with me if she ever wanted to.  I never asked why she put me up for adoption nor has she felt the need to explain. She had her reasons and I am very sure she didn’t go into the adoption without agonising and thinking about it first.

One good thing that came out of it all was my friendship with my half sister. We have spent time together and got to know each other. We have children of similar ages and they have all met. We’re not great talkers, but the moment we do contact each other it’s like there has been no silence in-between. We both know we are there for each other like any other sisters would be.

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1 – I learnt that even though life has moved on from the Victorian era, some people’s views haven’t moved with it. Negatively and prejudices against single mums is still out there.

2 – I learnt that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.

3 – I learnt that there a lot of DIY jobs that I, as a woman, can actually do. I won’t be fobbed off with its man’s job again.

4 – I learnt that no matter how much I try there are things I will never understand or be interested in with cars being one of them. Hurray shouts my local garage.

5 – When life seems really hard there are friends that go beyond the call of duty. It’s so important to have a network of friends.

6 – Beans on toast every night is ok, right?

7 – They are days when you think you’re not going to make to the end of the day and days when you think you can take on the world.

8 – I’ve learnt that children can survive divorce.

9 – I’ve learnt that they are days I crave salience and days I hate salience.

10 – That it doesn’t necessarily get easier just the challenges change daily.

I asked the children if they have learnt anything in the last 10 years and this is their contribution.

Daughter – having two homes means you have to be more organised as otherwise your favourite jeans are at one parent when you want to wear them.

Son – having two bedrooms means you get nagged to keep two bedrooms tidy.

I have just added 12 Things I have learnt raising a son do have a read.

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..I know all us parents look old and wrinkly to you and we might not be as young as you would like but it may surprise you that we weren’t actually born this age. All parents were young once. It may be hard to believe when we struggle with what day of the week it is and sometimes even your names escape us, but it is true we have been there, we were kids once too and we know all the tricks. You probably think you invented the clever trick of just wetting the toothbrush, alas you didn’t. You may think your being super smart by just putting your feet in the shower; again alas we’ve done it too. Whatever trick or clever idea you think you thought up we have already beaten you to it. We have already thought it, done it and owned the t-shirt. Though the fashion of wearing your jeans halfway down your bum look is all yours, we aren’t taking ownership of that one.

Hint – were not as daft as you think we are. Trying to outsmart us will only result in you losing the battle. Save your energy.

When we were young there was no such thing as a dishwasher. Shocking I know but it’s the truth. When we were made to do the dishes, which actually happened every day, we had to wash each item by hand, then dry and put it all away. It wasn’t considered cruelty towards children either, we knew it had to be done and got on with it. So next time you feel it’s justified to throw a strop because you have to empty the dishwasher; be thankful us parents like dishwashers and that dishwashers caught on. It could be a whole lot worse.

Hint – if you would prefer we sell the dishwasher and you’re itching to do the washing up by hand, just say. It all could be a lot worse.

There seems to be a general consideration that we parents are just out to ruin children’s fun, sadistic and just basically have no idea. We seem to nag all the time and forever on your backs. Trust me when I say if we were out to ruin your fun or had sadistic tendencies we would pick something a lot worse than chores. The thing is that in a household there are several people. This means there are several people to cook for, to wash clothes for and tidy up after. Is it really fair that just one person does all this? When it’s left to one person it does make that one person rather pissed off. That pissed off person does have a life too (yes I know it’s shocking to hear parents have lives too) so to have a happy household it is fairer to all help with the chores. That way everything gets done and everyone gets the chance to have a life.

Hint – the word parent doesn’t mean slave, honestly, if you still doubt us check the dictionary. Try using a bit of consideration for others; you will be amazed with the results. Us parents go all smiley and tend to stop nagging.

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Whinging - Pet hate and can’t stand it. It’s my rules is this one is a no go.

Bedroom tidying - So far I have not found a way to claim the danger money needed to go in there.

Organisation skills - If they are more organised, them and I spend less time getting the simplest things done.

Dawdling - I don’t have time to wait for someone who takes their time.

Chores - I can only do so much and remain sane. Every chore they do is one less I have to fit in.

Separately they are not that huge a thing but if you’re running a house single handily and have a child that’s whingey, doesn’t tidy their room, unorganised, dawdles and runs a mile at the mere mention of a chore, then you probably have the average child. Times that by how many children you have and it’s a recipe for one very warn out, physically and mentally, parent.

So how am I tackling these 5 things?

Whinging - Some mothers manage to breed the rare breed of a whinge-less child. They cope with anything that is thrown at them and go on to be adults with the same nature. From bad hair cuts to earthquakes, nothing sets them off. But then there are the rest of us who has a child that whinges. It’s annoying, soul destroying and apparently done because it gets them what they want. I know I am guilty of giving in when they go on and on.

Instead I am now trying this:

First I told them my new rules – Ask properly I will answer; whinge and I will ignore.

Then I ignore them when they are whinging.

I also point out they are whinging and remind them that I won’t answer to whinging, calmly removing myself from the situation.

This one is still a work in progress, but have noticed that although the whinging hasn’t stopped altogether, the amount of time they whinge has dramatically decreased.

Bedroom Tidying - Those who are followers of my site will know this has got me stressed out on many occasions. I confess to being totally jealous and full of envy of all you mums with perfect tidy homes. But I am starting to have a breakthrough on this. Not quiet at the ‘break out the champagne to celebrate another mountain conquered’ stage, but I am less skittish when unexpected guests turn up.

First I explained to my kids what I expected of them and why. Saying I want their room tidy because I’m a neat freak wouldn’t make sense to them and they are more likely to rebel. For mine I explained that …

• it’s nicer to get into a bed that’s made instead of a bed that’s still unmade,
• food and dirty plates attracts all sorts of wildlife,
• tidy toys make it easier to find,
• dirty clothes in the wash bin means I get to wash them and they don’t have to wear smelly clothes

Tailoring it to each child and knowing what makes them tick helped. Now they know what is expected of them and the benefits of why.

Over one of the holidays I suggested we got a head start. Using a timer so they knew there was an end, child and I would tackle one box or one cupboard each day. When I came across, to me, a box of junk I asked what they wanted to keep. Not what they wanted to throw. Wording it that way halved the time it took and doubled the contents of the recycle bag.

On a weekly bases I use the carrot trick and ask them to tidy their room whilst I’m making them lunch. Though I have to time it right. Not hungry and not much tidying gets done; starving hungry and they stuff their things anywhere in a rush and risk fainting.

I smile and praise a lot when they do something without being asked. Even the small things that to you and I would seem insignificant.

Organised - I have lost count how many times I have had to get forgotten swimming kits, lunches and football kits to distraught kids at school. Or when they go to their dads, dropped of forgotten items needed for the following day. So now my two are older I am tackling this pet peeve too.

First I lay down the rules. Forget something and they will be doing swimming in the swimming trunks from lost property (ewe) Forget your belt and you will spend all day holding your trousers up. Forget your homework and your teacher will tell you off etc.

We are now getting into the routine of when I’m cooking tea they have to get their stuff ready for the next day. Few minutes before they are about to zoom out the door I remind them to stop and recheck they have everything. This is putting the organising, checking and consequences onto their shoulders. I just do the reminding.

We have also started a family desk diary. If it’s not in the diary (sleepovers, parties etc) it doesn’t happen.

My two are old enough to start facing consequences and to plan ahead. Yes I have to remind them to check things but it is easier to remind then to run around after them with forgotten things.

Dawdling - Dawdlers come in two varieties. The dreamy away with the fairies kind and the deliberate needs a health warning kind. I am such a lucky person I have one of each.

I have found that getting the dreamer one to set their alarm clock earlier helps. They can then go at their pace. I also make sure they have everything organised for the morning the night before. It does take a huge amount of patience to just gently nudge in the right direction but it is a calmer routine since they have been getting up earlier.

The deliberate dawdler is also made to get up the same time as dreamy. With them though I have found announcing we are leaving in 10 minutes and meaning it and then leaving at the precise time helps. It did take a few “leaving without you” for them to get the message. The key, I have found, is to be firm, positive, and precise with the time. They soon got the message that I meant business and are cutting down on their dawdling deliberately.

NB would just clarify I never left without them but walked slow enough to the car that they managed to catch me up in time.

Chores - I divorced when my two were young and if I knew then what I know now, I would have been more switched on to this one. When they are younger you can capitalise on their eagerness to be helpful. Yes the chores would have to be basic, done together and often redone. But I would have been installing into them from an early age to help around the house. Instead I am rather late on this one but thankfully we are in the age of the mobile phone and my two are keen to earn credit for their phones.

We sat down and worked out a list of chores together and what each chore could be paid. Each time they complete a chore they add the amount to an ongoing chart so they can see how close they are to earning their top up.

Now I got a bit more cunning with this by adding in two mum clauses. If they do an act of kindness, a chore without being asked or especially good I add an amount to the chart. I also can cross off amounts if they misbehave. No with these two clauses in mind, I also had the foresight to work out a lot of this before we all sat down. I worked out how many times they were likely to do chores, how much they could earn each month so that they would also need to earn a few mum clauses to reach their top up each month.

It would be good to hear some of your parenting tips, they may even help other single mums who may be struggling.

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Going on a dating site looks like you’re desperate. – If that’s the case then there are millions of desperates out there. In today’s society were people are busy for normal social lives, dating sites are becoming the norm. You’re not the first and you defiantly won’t be the last to try a dating site. Brace modern technology and be thankful of having more ways to find an ideal partner.

My mum might see my profile – well if your mum see’s your profile, there are two answers to this. Hopefully you’re sitting down so it’s not a shock. Your mum is either genuinely out there dating, now if you thought she was happily married to your father then this might raise issues if you mention it. Secondly – she is gay. Think about it.

Serious relationships don’t happen online – hah I have proof otherwise on this one. I have had serious relationships that started online and a friend is still living with her online date. So it does happen.

It’s not safe – It’s as safe as you make it. If you decide to set your self up with 7 dates a week and not tell anyone then you are being more of a risk taker. Dating sites are fully aware that safety can be viewed as an issue so they offer anonymity whilst you’re on the site. From the hidden safety of your home you can pick and choose who you want to converse with. If you don’t want to talk them then you don’t have to. If you hit it off and decide to meet up then please do follow common sense safety and make sure someone knows where you are and with who .

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I would though warn you and advise you from my experiences.

Keep your wits about you. Take off any rose tinted specs and keep your self grounded. There are many dating sites around. The free, the cheap and the expensive. But all will have a colourful array of the following.

The Desperates. Either not dated for many decades and there will be many reasons why they are single. Or they just been dumped and need a replacement fast. Way too much baggage to blow up and wont be a pretty site. Steer clear.

The Players . This consist of the marrieds, partners doesn’t understand them and the professional daters. Complete with enough slick and smooth talk to melt you then dump you. Steer clear.

The Weirdo’s. Shouldn’t have to explain this one but men pretending to be women , vice versa and lots of other weird things I would rather not dwell on. Steer clear.

The Little honest Gem . As about as rare as hens teeth but they do exist unless there was actually only one and my friend has beaten you to it. Keep hold off with both hands.

As you launch yourself into the world of online dating, it’s good to remember that as you might have shaved the odd pound off your weight in your profile, others shave several dress sizes. Pictures can be altered or complete fake ones used. Ages become just a number. Just like you, others will log on in their pj’s munching late night cereal and washing it down with 6 glasses of wine (moi? As if! ) People will tell you what ever you want to hear and not every one is honest. You get my drift.

There are two ways to go about the dating bit. Talk talk talk or date date date. TTT you will find one that stands out from the rest and find yourself emailing back and forth, on msn for a lifetime. You can get to know them inside out before you decide to meet. You might though be disappointed when you do meet as the big relationship you have formed in you head could be very different when they are standing in front of you. DDD is where you go through them like you were a Judge live on X Factor shouting next when you’re ready to meet the next one.

Which ever method you use, when you do actually meet them make sure someone knows where you are on the first couple of dates. ( axe murderers don’t always strike on a first date) Make sure you are somewhere which has mobile signal to avoid SAS entrances from friends when you don’t reply. Keep to busy places. In the daylight if possible. Have plausible get out lines. My cat has been ‘ rushed to the vets’  several times to get me out of yuk situations.

Don’t give out personal info. I never gave out my address or even the make of my car. Go with gut feeling and if your unsure don’t go. Or at the very least research. Friends Reunited, Face Book and even Google . As cold as it sounds your meeting a stranger.

I don’t want to make it out to be all gloom and doom. Just keep your wits about you, don’t be gulable and have a damn good laugh.

Finally, some one asked me why I stopped and why I wouldn’t do it again. Well I was in the local supermarket one day minding my own business and a sales assistant stacking the shelves called me by my online nickname. Luckily I didn’t have the kids with me, but if I had I wouldn’t have been able to run out the shop as quick but how would I have explained why a complete stranger called me blueeyedminx?

“Mummy, why did that shop assistant call you that ?”

“mm I don’t know darling , must know me from when I shopped online”

“What were you shopping for mummy ?”

“Men”

Want to try Dating Online ? Here are the Top 3 Dating Sites

If you try dating online , please make sure you stay safe. Always let someone know where you are.

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