Most of us welcome the arrival of Easter weekend as the majority of workers get a nice long weekend off work, which we use to see family, eat lots of chocolate and relax. But for those with children, Easter means something completely different. Half term means that the kid’s get two weeks off from school, meaning that the parents and grandparents are faced with the problem of keeping the little ones busy and entertained until they return to school.

With the recession still looming over the country, more of us are trying to be more frugal and are trying to save for a rainy day. More to the point, inflation means that we’re paying an increasing amount for goods and services than we ever have before. So finding activities for you and your children to enjoy-without breaking the bank- is extremely difficult.

Take note of the top 5 vouchers for days out at Easter from moneysupermarket…

1. Shakespeare’s Globe vouchers – Get 20% off your visit to the Globe. Educate your little ones about arguably the most talented playwright of all time. The Globe was built in 1599, but then burned down in 1613 during a performance of Henry VIII. This is a fantastic day out for adults and children in the London area, and can really bring Shakespeare’s plays to life having seen where they were originally performed.
2. Pizza Express vouchers - Why not treat the kids to their favourite pizza, as well as a night out at the cinema. Pizza Express is offering 2 for 1 on pizza and a trip to the cinema by using the printable voucher. They’ll even throw in a free starter as well! So choose a family friendly film and enjoy the whole night out for half the price.
3. The National Seal Sanctuary vouchers - Get 20% off entry to the National Seal Sanctuary in Cornwall. The kids will love the opportunity to see the 40 acres of land dedicated to seals and sea lions. You can watch staff hand feed the seal pups, and have the chance to become a rescue volunteer yourself!
4. The Edinburgh Dungeon vouchers – For those who live in Scotland, or close by, why not take a day out with the family to Edinburgh Dungeon. Here you will find real actors, spooky rides and special effects which all convey the dark side of Edinburgh’s past. This will be an exciting and educational day out, again with 20% off for up to 6 people. We also have offers for York and London dungeons as well.
5. Legoland vouchers- Legoland is offering all of their visitors 5% off entrance price this Easter. The kids will love this colourful and fun theme park, where everything is made from the childhood favourite toy. Look out on our site for more Legoland offers, including short breaks at the famous Legoland resort.

The links in this article are not affiliated in any way. ( which means I don’t make any money by you clicking the links so click away)

The day-in-the-life feature has Thurman as a mother of two prepping for her daughter’s sixth birthday party as myriad urban challenges confront her, while simultaneously trying to kickstart her writing career again.

To celebrate the launch of the film and Mothers Day, we have 3 DVD’s for you to win. All you need to do is answer an easy question at the bottom of the page. On Mothers Day all the correct answers will be put into a hat and 3 winners chosen.

Motherhood is being distributed by Metrodome Distribution in the UK and will be released in cinemas on Mother’s Day 2010. You can visit the film’s official site here.

Here is your chance to win a copy of Motherhood .

Winners will be notified by email on Mothers Day.

[contact-form]

As a self employed single mum, my time always feels stretched to the max – kids, school, work, home – something just has to give, and that something is normally my standards of cleanliness. Being anything other than a domestic goddess is something we are all being made to feel guilty about, so I thought I would offer some crumbs of comfort by revealing my secret slummy habits, the corners I cut to keep myself sane.
 
I love reading other people’s confessions. There is something fascinating and comforting about reading other people secrets – the blog equivalent of reading Heat magazine. Just when you are feeling inadequate and lonely, you read that other women feel the same, that even celebrities sometimes go out with chipped nail varnish, and suddenly the world feels like a better place.
 
Today I want to focus on housework. I know… GROAN…. who enjoys housework? Well not me. Of all the responsibilities in my life – being a single parent, holding down a variety of jobs, not to mention a nice selection of voluntary roles, housework really is my lowest priority. In fact, I suspect I became a school governor just as an excuse not to clean the toilet. So when my juggling gets tricky, the first ball to crash to the floor is always the cleaning one.
 
There are some forms of household chores I enjoy. Arranging my books in colour order for instance is always a pleasant way to pass an afternoon, especially if I have a particularly pressing deadline that I am trying to avoid. I’m not sure that tasks like sorting my make-up into pretty boxes really count as housework though…
 
So if you are looking to save time and effort around the house, here are my top five tips. Those with a fetish for cleanliness or who are easily disturbed should switch back to facebook now:
 
1. Crumbs – they get everywhere don’t they? My house is always full of bits. Sometimes I feel motivated enough to pick some of them off the floor (I don’t have a Hoover) but then what to do with them? The kitchen is too far away, I have yet to install a bin in the living room. So when you’re pressed for time, throw your crumbs behind the sofa.
 
2. Children’s toys – again, they get everywhere. And Belle gets as much fun out of a toilet roll or a piece of cling film as anything else. When the toys threaten to overwhelm you and you can’t be bothered fighting to get the kids to tidy them up, just collect them all up off the floor in a black bag and take them to Oxfam. It will make them appreciate what they have left. Honest.
 
3. Dishes – now we know I sometimes hide them, but this is obviously only a temporary solution. My least favourite dishes are the ones my teen brings down at intervals from her bedroom – cereal bowls encrusted with fossilised coco-pops, mugs stiff with mould. What to do? Just put them in the bin. Really. Out of sight and all that…
 
4. Baths – yuk yuk yuk. I particularly dislike cleaning that involves getting my hands wet. If you can’t face all that bending and stretching but need to scrub the tub, children’s bath time are ideal. While they are in the bath just give them some soap and a cloth and get them to clean the tiles and other surfaces. You might want to give them a rinse down afterwards to get rid of scum (the child, not the tiles), but this is much simpler than cleaning the whole bath.
 
5. Beds – sick of changing sheets? Ditch your partner. Become single and suddenly the need to change your sheets more than a few times a year goes out the window. Tada!
 
So that’s it. Slummy Mummy’s guide to housework. Some valuable advice there I’m sure you’ll agree. Do share your own time-saving tips!
 
Read more words of wisdom at Slummy Single Mummy’s parenting blog.

To highlight this and get the general public’s views, the radio show 5 Live ran a phone in today on the subject. You can listen to the show if you missed it and read some of the comments left by viewers.

You can register your support over at Gingerbread and read more about how its trying to change peoples views of us.

As ever it’s a controversial subject and one that gets me heated under the collar so no doubt you have a view on it all.  For me it’s not the shear hard work single parenting can be or the lack of support (despite the government saying there is support) or the financial side of it all that makes me boil. It’s the attitude of others towards me as a single parent. It’s the painting us all with the same brush I detest. So as well as all the others things that a single parent has to do, I also feel that I almost have to prove myself on daily bases too.

So let’s get the ball rolling on confessions and hear your comments.

• Tops
• Umbrellas 
• Bags
• Aprons
• T-shirts all with slogans.

Let the world know you confessed at confessions of a single mum or that you are a yummy mummy.You can even get creative and design your own.

The full story can be read here.

There is also a Facebook page, the family website and a petition available.

The effects on saving on electricity are not only green but saves money too but if you’re on water meter, wasted water is not just wasted water but money down the drain too.

So here I have pulled together some of being a bit greener and saving money along the way.

Change your light bulbs – Only 10 percent of the input power in a traditional light bulb is converted into light. The rest is lost in heat. Lighting a LED bulb is more efficient as I can convert 50 per cent of input energy into light.

Use a clothes line – Reduce tumble dryer use with an indoor drying rack or an outside clothes line. Natural drying is better for your clothes, cheaper and doesn’t waste energy.

Take your shoes off – leaving your shoes at the door will cut levels of lead dust in your home by 60per cent. This is due to almost all the lead dust inside our homes comes from contaminated outdoor soil.

Consider CFL Light bulbs – those funny swirly looking light bulbs may cost more in the first place but they use a quarter of the electricity and last for years. But remember to recycle as they contain small amounts of mercury.

Reuse containers – instead of paying for kitchen storage boxes, reuse old packaging like ice cream containers and such like. Also try and reuse plastic bags as 3 billion kilograms of the stuff enter the waste stream each year.

Don’t replace, use it up – Its greener to use up what you have first then replacing everything and throwing goods away even if they aren’t eco-friendly.

Use less paper – we go through 900 million trees a year to keep us in paper. Use both sides of the paper. Don’t print out emails unless vital and try to recycle as much paper products and packaging as possible.

Use a microwave to cook – a microwave is faster and more efficient and will reduce your energy usage by about 75 per cent.

Dim the lights. Dimming your lights by 25 or 50 per cent with a dimmer switch will save about the same amount in energy.

Put your heating on a timer – No one needs the heat on at night. Set a timer to switch the heating off at bedtime and on again in the morning. It would also save 25 per cent of your heating costs and even more in terms of energy.

Don’t buy bottles of water – instead buy a water filter instead of all those plastic bottles.

Get a home energy audit – Most utility providers will do one for free. You will then know how green you are or aren’t.

Recycle all your drink cans – the energy saved by recycling one can could run a television for three hours.

Don’t charge your mobile phone overnight- most phones only take an hour to charge. So charging it all night is drawing wasted energy.

Switch your DVD off standby- Eighty-five per cent of energy used by a DVD player is wasted when it’s on standby.

Use rechargeable batteries – Six hundred million batteries are used in the UK alone every year – most end up as toxic components of landfill.

Reuse plastic bags – we use over 500 billion plastic bags every year (that’s a million a minute) It will take over a millennium for these to degrade.

Open your windows – by airing your house when it’s chilly outside you will get rid of some of those VOC’s. Turning off the air conditioning will not only save energy but money too.

 Only use your washing machine when it is full. With 90 per cent of households having a washing machine and using 50 – 120 litres a cycle it’s a lot of water used. You can save water by only switch it on when you have a full load. By using a 30 degree wash setting it will save energy but will also get your clothes just as a clean as a 40 degree wash. When your machine does give up the ghost then replace it with an energy saving model that allows you to run shorter cycles. There is always the washboard and mangle but I wouldn’t expect any mum to resort to that.

When you’re brushing your teeth turn the tap off. It doesn’t need to run the whole time and your literally throwing away 8,100 litres a year.

Showers are famously quicker and use less water than baths. Showers use 35 litres where as a bath uses 80 litres. Power showers though use about 80 litres. 

Flush less often. Obviously flush what needs to be flushed but the average house flushes 50 litres of water down the toilet every day. Next time you only blow your nose then flush the tissue down the toilet, think before you flush it.

Collect rainwater. We get enough of it that if you only used the collected water for plants and the garden at least you have saved some. You only need a water butt in your garden to collect water from the down pipe.

Think before tip. The half filled glasses of water you tip down the sink every day could be saved in the fridge for later or used for watering the plants.

If you regularly run the tap to get cold water for drinks, fill a jug and put it in the fridge.

Turn your thermostat down on your hot water. Does it really have to be that hot? Turning the thermostat down will save energy and if you don’t spend so long in a hot steamy shower you have saved water too.

Take this evening as a typical example with nothing major on the agenda, just tea and homework to work through. My daughter does her homework before I have even asked if she has any. A dream for most parents, but I don’t get away with it that easily. My son, on the other hand, is a nightmare. He forgets he has homework until 2 minutes before bed and that’s if he has remembered to bring it home. The mere phrase of ‘I have homework’ coming from him sends me into nervous twitches. My stomach tightens into knots as I check to see how well we did on the last homework. Yes I know it’s his homework but when a child is struggling we, as parents, have to step in at some point and explain things unless were quiet happy to have a wailing child complaining they can’t even add 2 and 2  in sobs of tears. Apparently this is common and boys nearly always struggle with homework whilst girls breeze through it. It doesn’t ease the nightly misery though. At the start of the homework I am fairly confident in adding 5 and 5 and how to spell this and that. ( quite literally ) by the end of the homework even I struggle to count unless I am using my fingers and spelling any word more than three letters is just brain suicide.

On the flip side evening meals, although another bone of contention, this time it’s my daughters turn to turn me into a nervous wreck. My son will eat anything and everything you place in front of him. No poking it with his fork and asking what it is with his nose turned up. No asking what animal is it or if it’s organic. My daughter requests a small amount before the serving spoon has touched it, as she pears at it like I have just served up the latest recipe incorporating arsenic. A knife is far too cool to use and just on the table for decoration, silly me. She then very kindly points out all the bits she doesn’t like, which I have decided is relative to the day of the week. Mushrooms seem to be ok on a Monday but by Friday they are just gross. If it’s not enough that it’s just me doing the shopping , dragging it back from the shop, putting it all away and not forgetting thinking up a new meal every night and cooking it, woe is me if I repeat a meal more than once in the same century. She wails she is so bored of it despite only having eaten the offending meal twice in her life.

Of course were not finished yet as we’ve not touched on the matter of the dishwasher. I grew up having to wash up the whole families dishes so I positively delight in just putting it all into a magic machine that washes it all for me. My children though take a dishwasher, of the mechanical variety, for granted. For them it seems very difficult to comprehend the process of putting their plate into the dishwasher without being asked every night.

These things are sent to try us I know and my only way of getting through these times is thinking up ways for revenge. I have one potential revenge situation on place which, if I am crafty enough, will see me through a few more months. My daughter is now is the ‘bra wearing’ stage and of course I have to buy them, which means she has to be in the shop with me. So if you see a fairly insane looking woman complete with red faced young teenager in tow, don’t laugh its revenge, I did mention the newly bought bra would be on my head didn’t I?

As I manage to get these relating sections written I will post them up. In the meantime if you have any tips or advice on various benefits from your experinces that would help other single mums ( Sadly hoping on one leg and whistling a tune doesn’t work in getting answers from benefit departments faster– I did try) please drop me a line so they can be included.

The basics of my situation – I want to become a web site designer. I have been making small websites for myself and friends for long enough to realise it’s my passion. Website design and SEO have been my hobby for many years, so with lots of research and thinking I have decided to take it to the next level. I have always followed the strict regime outlined by the benefit system but in doing so my paying customer number is down there on the nonexistent level.

At nearly 40 I am too old for the New Business schemes that are out there.

Also when I was made redundant I was put on income support automatically as I have two children. Now if I had been put on Job Seekers allowance then the step into self employment would be rewarded with a Self Employment Credit of £50 a week for 16 weeks which is a total of £800

Now if I stay on income support for another 6 months and then launch into being self employed after a full year of income support then I would qualify for In Work Credit. This is £40 a week for 52 weeks, a grand total of £2080.

In the grand scheme of things if I was sure I would be working over 30 hours a week and had lots of customers lined up then yes I would be hugely better off. But in starting up the business the early days are the days that the help is needed when customer numbers are low. It’s not like flicking a light switch and hey presto working lots of hours lots of customers.

So I have no option but to start gradually and inform the relative benefit sections of my increase in hours and income. This also cancels out the entitlement of the above schemes. I think this post could be now called I am about to launch a business on nothing.

Now don’t get me wrong I know it will be a lot of hard work to start up – it wouldn’t be rewarding if it was easy. I am not looking for an easy route. It’s just sad that out of all the help that is out there I don’t fit into any of the categories.

Please – if there any any self employed single mums out there get in touch and share your experiences.

 When I was young it was installed into me on a daily bases that manners don’t cost anything but are priceless when used. It’s not just the please and thank yous in the right places but the courteous things too. Now it might be me just getting old and turning into my mother, but it is really starting to rial me. When children are very young we diligently taught them to say please and thank you and then looked on all proud when they manage to mutter it at the appropriate times to other people. But recent trips into town first made me angry and then stop and question if I have actually taught my children enough manners.

I feel the need to have my view and I will also be quizzing my teenager as to how she acts in these situations.

Younger drivers don’t realise when it isn’t their right of way and someone else is being kind and letting them through then it is generally a good thing to express some kind of thanks. I’m not expecting them to jump out the car and produce a bunch of flowers to say thank you but a small acknowledgment; even a small nod would be nice. Contrary to your belief you don’t own the whole road and when it is my right of way I am actually doing a nice thing for you.

Pavements have been designed to accommodate more than one person. Some boffins somewhere probably analysed this to death to come up with precise measurement they need to be to take two passing adults comfortably. If it is safe I have been known to step into the road so that passing teenagers don’t lose a vital piece of conversation but please do I have to do it every time or get glared at when I decide today isn’t the day I want to chance it with the passing lorry.

Shop assistants are there to assist, it may be earth shattering news and I don’t mean to tar every shop assistant with the same brush. I don’t expect personal shopper service but please do you have to look so bored to death even if you are.  When I was young and a shop assistant I had the manager from hell, or so I thought. But she really was just teaching me something that isn’t taught today. She taught me not to interrupt, not to lean or slouch and to give the customer your attention not highlights from the previous night out. I have found it to be getting better but it I think this is because I am getting picky and won’t go into shops where the assistants are younger than me. Sadly this one is on a time limit for me; I am fast running out of shops.

 Is it just me ? Am I just being old?

There is in the UK, a British PLC called the Utility Warehouse Discount Club.  This company is a member of the FTSE 250 and trades under the name of Telecom Plus PLC.  As well as receiving many business accolades from such magazines as European Business Magazine, Investor’s Chronicle and being given the prestigious title of the number 1 UK PLC of the year in March 2009, this company also has received much credibility from independent consumer magazines such as Which? And in a consumer survey, it was reported that 94% of its customers would recommend the services to a friend.

So, just how does this work?  Well there are 3 easy steps.  The first being that The utility Warehouse Discount club is  a word of mouth marketing company so doesn’t pay for advertising costs of any sort.  It relies on its network of customers and distributors to promote its products and services and passes on the savings made to its customers and distributors.  you have one single, simple monthly bill for your gas, electricity, broadband and telephony and no minimum contract for most of the services.  The department of trade and industry have said that switching to the Utility Warehouse Discount club can save you somewhere in the region of £800 per year and that’s without employing the two other methods by which you can shrink your bills to nothing if you so wish.

The second method is simply to use the cash back card.  This card is a master card but not a credit card so you top up and then go and spend.  By spending on your food, clothes, baby goods, sporting goods, etc,

You can reduce your bill by around £30 per month.  Every time you spend, you reduce your bill by 5%.  That’s a good saving by anyone’s standard.

The third and final way is to recommend these services to your friends and family.  By recommending just 10 people you could potentially save yourself 20% for as long as your friends and family remain customers.  There are some people in this country who have shrank their bills so much that the Utility Warehouse Discount club has to pay them.  How fantastic is that?  As single mums we owe it to ourselves to save money but it’s also important to have good service so isn’t it worth taking a look at this?  What could a yearly saving shown above allow you to do?  Go on holiday perhaps?  Just do extra little things with the kids you couldn’t afford to do?

If you think you’d like to take a look then here is the MiniBills site.

 I would like to thank Kairen for letting me share my expertise with you on a monthly basis. If there is a topic that you would like me to cover in my articles, please feel free to forward your suggestions to me via my website.

This month we will examine the need to change our life, our daily routine, decisions, or anything we choose to change. From time to time it is essential to re-examine our lives. You may consider it as an update of where you are, why you are there and where you want to be. 

Change is whatever it is you want. You may want to change endless struggles for money into prosperity, you may want to be somebody and do something great, you may want to have a man in your life or even want to take a holiday overseas rather than butlins.

How can you change? You change yourself first. Change the way you think and your attitude to life. I can show you the way but it depends on you to take action. Change begins with small steps towards the art of an adventure. If the change you choose does not inspire you then don’t do it. Change promises results.

Change is important in life. It is the renewal of anything that gives us a reason. A reason to smile, try, expect and to be. You may choose to move around your furniture every six months or even walk a different route home. Go anywhere, see anything and try everything. The more you discover, the more you change. It gives you a renewed mind frame. As the saying goes, a change is as good as a rest.

Everything we do gets redone at the end of the day. You wash the dishes and the sink is full by the end of the day, Empty the laundry basket and its half full by the time you go to bed. No one rewards you for what you do but the rewards are long-term. Yes life is a process but the things that matter most are invisible.

It is the input we give our children that will tell a story years to come. Children are our future and by investing time in them, we are playing part in filling in the future puzzle. Our Internal being contributes to our future. It is the things that we don’t see that count most. Faith, hope and love are emotions. Invest them in your children more than you buy them toys.

To be able to give, you must have. You can’t give what you do not have! Invest time in yourself. Listen to the inner you. Have values and principles. Do not conform to society norms. Believe in yourself and follow your own path. It is the only way to live a full life.

 Who are you? Your parents gave you a name when you were born, people may have given you nick names, the society calls you a single mum too. These are not your names, but you will continue to be labelled until you put a sticker on yourself saying otherwise.

I was always referred to as single mum until I changed and became a life coach. I still am a single mum but no one remembers that! I am a life coach! What the society doesn’t know is that some of us are single by choice. It may have not been a choice for you but you have lived. You picked up the pieces and moved on. You are still breathing, eating and watching the kids grow. Now who is missing out?

I know a man who doesn’t have one hand. He applied for countless jobs with no success. I know what you are thinking, equal opportunity but really? On paper yes without a doubt. However, he did not give up. He chose a label for himself. A currier! He opened his own company and now works seven days a week. Everybody loves him for his ‘I will’ attitude.

You know your capabilities more than anybody can begin to figure out. You might need to polish a few things but DO IT. What pushed me most was when my son came home one day and asked. “Mum, what do you do?” my response was what do you mean? “My homework is to write about my mum’s or dad’s job”. I nearly had a seizure! There was no dad to write about, just me! I imagined all those doctors and lawyers who were doing the same homework with their kids with pleasure. I had pressure alright but I made my fulltime mum job make teachers want to quit and stay at home with their kids!

Although I made the homework very interesting, my main concern was the role model I being. I was an example to my kids that staying at home was good enough. I promised myself from that day that my kids would grow to look up to me. I decided to take small steps to achieve my goal.

Every day adds up to another and becomes measureable. Changing just one thing in your daily routine will give you great results. Every step towards the finishing line counts. Do not overwhelm your life. You are the designer. Design only the beauty you wish to see and Make it happen slowly but surely and use your skills to become whatever it is you want to be.

If you do not nominate yourself nobody else will. There is more to you than your CV. Those who are only concerned about the here and now have no vision. Life’s comfort is the ability to celebrate everything, learn from anything, feel your feelings and live your part. It’s time to bring out the treasure in you and change for the better.

www.maxlynlifecoachinguk.com

This year I’m not. Yes I still want to be those things but wise old age is setting in and I have started to think differently. Instead I am focusing on what I do haveand how positiveadjustments can be more beneficial than all out change. Positive adjustments are smaller, more manageable. They focus more on what you actually have and tweak it to work better. To me change is like saying what I already have isnt good enough and I want something new.

If I did do changes who would I actually be doing these changes for? I’m being realistic about who I am, are the changes I want to make actually worth it. I’m realising that it doesn’t actually make you a bad person if there is a bit of a wobble here or there, we’ve just had Christmas for heaven’s sake. Ok I have opted to have fun over Christmas instead of watching every calorie that has passed my way. Do the kids actually love me any less with a wobble, no I don’t think so. Am I striving to be a perfect mum for the kid’s sake or just for my own? They are reasonably well rounded children. They are fed, clothed and watered on regular bases. They have smiles on their faces most days and the days that they don’t I can normally manage to turn the day around for them.

How would I actually implement any new changes? As the clock chimed midnight on New Year’s Eve I didn’t suddenly have less work to do, less housework or less responsibilities. I’m being realistic on what spare time I actually have. I didnt suddenly become rich enough to embark on a gym subscription or have the time to ( or inclination) to actually go to a gym. My wardrobe didn’t magically change into a glamourous one. Instead I will prioritise my ’tweaks’ throughout the year and not beat myself up about the ones that aren’t actually a priority. 

If, though,you are launching a resolution list remember changes don’t happen overnight despite what the adverts say. If a change is worth doing, it’s worth doing it right. Make a plan and be prepared for the long haul. A quick fix is just that and won’t stand the test of time.

This year my only resolution is not to make any. If I make a list of resolutions it’s like I have a list keeping an unhealthy hold on me, tormenting me when I make a wrong turn. In my warped mind I think not making any resolutions but instead adopting positive life changes I may stand a better chance of keeping them. I started with a new bin for the kitchen, now you may laugh at this small minute and seemingly underrated purchase, but its predecessor was a small bin that had to be emptied many times. It drove me insane. The kids never get the rubbish in the bin but half heartedly semi inside the bag and the rest in the actual bin. I was either going to spend my life emptying and cleaning a bin whilst getting myself worked up with a dose of mild hysteria or get a better and bigger bin. It’s not always huge life changing events that can rock your world but the small less insignificant ones that can make an impact.

Today things are very different. Women work, damn hard, and then fit in all the other things in life. A single mum does all that and then some more. Oh but now we are supposed to be a yummy mummy too. But just who are we doing it for. Do we do it for the men as I am pretty sure men wouldn’t agree, do we strive for yummy mummy status for ourselves or just for all the other women?

So what makes a yummy mummy? In the tabloids they are portrayed as a mum who has a certain lifestyle of no work and always looking immaculate. As unobtainable this is for the average mum I do thing all of us secretly want to make the best of ourselves. Improve a small thing here or there. I know I do. I know I am lucky as I am naturally average weight but even I feel I should do something. I have my good days and my bad days in front of the mirror and wish I had the botheration to put make up on every day. So if I feel like this I am sure there are loads of mums who feel the same and maybe want to change or tackle even more about themselves. But how do you do it when you’re a singe mum and time and money are tight.

Ok so what do we have?

There’s the weight / fitness bit – I hate diets as I refuse to be told what I can and can’t eat. As for exercise I loathe it more than anything, you will never find me in the gym let lone boringly swimming up and down a pool.

There is the looks department. My sense of fashion is rather dim being out of the fashion world for such a long time and realising that comfort is far more practical then hyperthermia or worse. As for makeup, I know what goes were, I know I look more human with makeup, I just can be arsed every day.

Then there’s the how I feel about myself bit- now this is where I think the celebs cheat. It has been written a thousand times (and mainly by men) that a truly beautiful woman is a woman who has confidence, who laughs and smiles from the heart. This they say is a natural beauty. So isn’t this what a yummy mummy should be? But here we have the catch 22. To feel good most women need to look good. And to look good you need to feel good. No wonder the celebs just cheat and buy the look.

.

I was at a friend’s today for coffee and as usual had to use her loo, which is just passed the bedrooms. I use to think it was a kid thing that they did to check out someone else’s house but now realise that I haven’t grown out of it. But today I wish I had just crossed my legs. I came away not only gob smacked but insanely jealous. Her kid’s bedrooms are perfect. I don’t just mean a quick tidy like you do when in a mad rush when you know someone is coming round. Oh no these bedrooms were all colour co-ordinated, with everything in their place. They were neat and tidy with cute ornaments on the window cill. Books neatly on bookshelves, clean clothes folded on the bottom of the bed. They were so tidy that even in my walk past the door I could tell there was not a thing but clean fresh air under those beds.

Now don’t presume the worse of me, I don’t live in squallier and my house is neat and tidy as it can get with two children. But my efforts just don’t compare. My children are into crafts and drawing so every scrap of paper is one of their prized possessions. What looks like a miss-shape of discarded paper is probably a prised work of art to them. My daughter’s room is the better of the two but then it is so small she has to come out of her room just to change her mind let alone anything else. My son though is destined to be a typical boy. Socks and towels willingly walk out of his room on their own accord. A duvet that looks like it’s trying to escape its environment and to top it off I think half my plates and mugs are hiding in there. I’m just not brave enough to find out where.

So after Christmas, as everything is either done for Christmas or after Christmas on a long list of New Year’s resolutions, I am hatching a plan of attack. I have a feeling though it will be a one woman crusade without my kids support.

Being a single mum is lonely

Cons – It’s lonely, especially if you’re not working and the kids are at school or after they have gone to bed. Not everyone has family nearby or friends who understand the situation. You may feel tied to your parenting role and restricted in what you can do. Then there is the good old saying of feeling lonely in a crowd. Whatever your situation, at some point that feeling of loneliness can hit.

Pros –Being just you also means you have your own freedom and before you shout at the screen, you’re not free you have kids to looks after – freedom comes in many forms. Though it may feel like you have no freedom, you do have other freedoms to enjoy. What you eat, when you eat, where you eat – it’s your choice. Want to paint all the walls pink with white spots – it’s your choice. Wear huge Bridget Jones knickers everyday instead of sexy lace cheese wires – it’s your choice.

The bed is so empty.

Cons- That double bed can be very cold and feel very empty

Pros -all that space to stretch out and no one else pinching the duvet. Doesn’t matter if you snore nor do you have to put up with someone else’s snoring in your ear and keeping you awake?

No Back up

Cons – When a child has a strong will or determination and they know how to push your buttons it can be a battle of the wills. With no one to back you in your corner, it can feel like you’re arguing with the whole world and not just one 6 year old who is adamant odd socks, that are a week old, really are cool. As one mum rightly put it -”as the ‘primary care giver’ you are your child’s world”. When they fall it is you they cry for, when they see something new it is you they are bursting to tell and  Monday to Friday at least, when you say no, they don’t have someone to go and play you off against.The downside of this of course is when you say no and a tantrum ensues, or when they are utterly refusing to go to bed, or when they wants something that they simply can’t have, you are alone, totally. If it takes 4 hours and your shins being kicked to hell and the whole house being trashed it’s still all you, just you. You have no one to take over for just 5 minutes so you can go outside and scream, no one to pour you a glass of wine, or make you a cup of tea, or to take over and sit in the hall way outside their room putting them back into bed over and over and over again.

Pros - you can develop your own parenting style and not have any one else criticise you. You decide the house rules and it is up to you how you dish those rules out.

One person to do everything.

Cons - Well no-one else is going to do it, are they?! In the past if a light bulb needed changing I would call for the man in my life. I would even leave it un changed all day to wait for the man to get home. Now that isn’t an option (unless I want to wait a whole week!!- sometimes longer!) If something goes wrong then it’s down to you to put it right and fix the mess. And we all know there are way too little hours in the day to successfully fit in all the people you are expected to be.

Pros – The high you get when you realise you can do it is amazing. The skills you learn along the way will not only stay with you but enable you to help others. They are also brilliant skills to pass on to your children.

Money

Cons – Everyone’s circumstances are different, some get maintaince, some don’t, some work and some don’t. Whatever the circumstances money is bound to be tight and the cost of raising kids is still the same. Expensive!  One of the mums said that all of her money, every single penny is spent on her son. On providing him a home, on paying for his school dinners, on getting to and from work so she can buy him school dinners and provide him a home… On buying him the clothes he needs and trying to buy him the clothes he wants. On trying to make sure he doesn’t LOOK like a child with a single mum….the list is endless. 

Pros – Having a small budget makes you manage on a small budget. One good thing to come out of this for me was the realisation how much we actually waste. When you only have so much electric or water its amazing how you learn to cut down. Same with food shopping. I never realised how much food I threw away at the end of each week. Or how much coinviance food we were actually eating. 

Yesterday evening we realised we had forgotten to buy the advent calendars. Nothing new there for me. So off we went to the local supermarket to get advent calendars. Of course being the last to get them it was slim pickings. My son was happy to find a ‘Stars Wars’ one left but my daughter was faced with no advert calendar or resort to a ‘Night Garden’ advent calendar. Now any other young teenager would probably throw a hissy fit as the indignation of it. Mine though collapsed into giggles. Laughter is contagious and before long we all were laughing, at what I will probably never know, but we stood there laughing.

With advent calendars in hand we headed to the Christmas decorations as this year I appear to have a fixation with purple baubles. I want my tree this year to ooze sophistication and designer twee. So purple baubles it just has to be. We are hit by more giggles at the realisation that purple just isn’t to be had. Not giving up we check out the DIY shops. Now this sounds so silly I cant even believe I am putting the words down, the three of us still full of giggles played with every rocking Rudolph and chuckling Santa we could find. We dressed up in the tinsel and hung baubles off our ears. We just simply had fun. No expense spent no reason why but just enjoyed all being together laughing like loons amongst the tinsel and decorations. My daughter innocently summed it up with the words ‘the three musketeers in search of purple baubles’.

It’s those sort of moments that I couldn’t of planed or orchestrate that make me realise I love my life with my two giggling musketeers.

If your reading this form outside the UK let quickly explain our system here. Basically all your working life just under a third of your wages is taken from your wage packet before it is even paid to you. It’s paid direct to the government for them to do with as they want. It’s apparently to pay for all the services we have. Police, fire brigade, pension to name a few, and to provide a National Health Service. Now this infamous NHS is there free when we need a hospital, a doctor and a dentist. But it’s not quite as simple as that. For example, if you go to the doctor and need a prescription most people still have to pay an additional fee for the actual medication.  

This is just a brief roundup of the system as if I went into it in more detail I would never finish this post. But the thing that has wound me up the most is the availability of a dentist. In short, there aren’t any, unless you want to go private. Now this would better if you could write to some nice government person and explain you pay for your stuff privately and they give you a refund for the parts of the system you don’t use. Oh no, you can’t do that. So for the first time ever I have written to two MP’s. They have welcoming websites that tell you that they are there for you to help you. They are supposedly accessible and care about you. Well below is the email I wrote and so far I have not heard anything back. Surprised? No. Fed up? Yes.

“Dear Mr MP – I am at the end of my tether and at a loss of how to explain this to my children. I have worked all my adult life, paying my contributions as I should and it is only now that I have found myself redundant. Not to be daunted by the situation I have taken the challenge to retrain and the New Year will hopefully bring a change of circumstances. I can cope with being a single mum and having to feed my 13 and 10 year old with just £20 a week. It’s not a hardship it’s merely a challenge to be overcome. What I do struggle with is trying to explain to my children why they have never been to the dentist or why one of their classmates who are from another country is able to have regular dentist treatment. Not that I hasn’t tried getting into a regular dentist in the last 9 years. I was brought up with the 6 monthly fear of the dentist trip. My two though have only seen a dentist in an emergency and then had to have teeth out. I too am unable to fix a broken front tooth as it’s not an emergency and I am not the sort to abuse the system, even if it’s failing. After 6 years of living with it I have resigned to the fact I will never probably get it fixed. It worried me at first but my self confidence in being able to smile went many years ago.

So please how do I explain to my children that despite them brushing their teeth every day they will probably grow up to have irreparable damage from not having regular checkups. I hope that things change and one day I will be able to go private as I think this will be our only option but in the meantime we have to just keep waiting on a waiting list that is never ending in the hope to see a dentist regularly.

If you have children you may be able to understand how hard it is to look at them knowing that something is effecting them now and will probably affect them into their adult life and there is nothing I can do about it, I am their mother but helpless. It’s not their fault I can’t afford private treatment, it’s not their fault there are no dentists but they are the ones that will pay for it in the long run.”

Since writing this post , I have since had a reply email from one of the MP’s. All it asked was if I had a contact phone number. No mention of anything else and so far no phone call.

Now this post may be a bit off subject but I’m a single mum and this has made me so angry I want to scream.

The way we do it is that we let the children decide where they want to be. Now the choices are obviously here with me or at their fathers. I not being close to my family have never spent an adult Christmas with my parents ( and nor do I want to start thank you very much), he on the other hand has brothers and sisters who all have children and they all get together ‘Walton’s’ style for a massive Christmas day. Now in a kids mind the choice between two very different Christmases is easy worked out by where you’re more likely to have fun and get more presents. Yep you guessed it, with their father. So every Christmas morning off they go to have fun, laughter and presents to return 48 hours later.

Being the good unselfish mother I am, I manage to do a good act of pretending that I love spending Christmas day on my own. We do make more of a deal out of Christmas Eve and open half our presents in the evening and then a few Christmas morning before they go. The first few years were easy as loved the novelty of easting cheese on toast in my pyjamas and watching all the Christmas films. I would have glass of champagne and a bath with as many bubbles as I could fit in. The glass of champagne would turn into a bottle and then be in bed asleep by tea time. It was easy.

But then the novelty slowly died and the champagne too when I decided to go healthy and not drink alcohol. A couple of the years have been really tough and now it gets difficult as my daughter looks at me knowing that I will be spending Christmas on my own. She is torn to go with the family or stay with me, so for her sake, the actress in me is now on Oscar level. I’m going for all out this year and have my acceptance speech for my Oscar award all planned.

In my 8 years of single mum Christmases I can recommend the following:

• Although nice to have a drink, don’t drink too much if there is any hint it will make you sad. Slurring Merry Christmas sarcastically at the TV with bottle in hand really isn’t that sophisticated.
• Instead of the traditional Christmas dinner for one (Iceland and Tesco do them if you have your heart set on it) do something different. My favourite was salmon bagels followed by strawberries and cream. You will also be amazed how many people actually envy you.
• If you are eying up the sofa and remote control for the day, treat yourself to new pj’s .
• Take yourself out for a walk.  I would walk past houses and bet how many arguments I would spot. (Grass is not always greener and the picture card image of Christmas we presume everyone else is having sadly isn’t so).
• Lastly if you can manage it, buy yourself a pressie to put under the tree. I learnt this one several years in after realising I would not get a present any other way.

There are also new Items added to the Wallis Sale

So I am asking you, readers, how do you manage it? Are you organised and have been putting money aside each month throughout the year? (Oh how I envy those with such discipline and organisational skills) or is it a mad panic and belt tightening in the last month of two?

 Now i know Christmas is not sprung upon us as the shops have been gearing up to it for the past few weeks and funnily enough Christmas does happen every year. But it every year at about this time, i panic. I want my children to have a great Christmas and they know they won’t get everything on their lists but how on earth do you make one month’s money stretch across everything that won’t go away (electric, rent and simple things like eating) and manage to buy my own corner of the local toy shop at the same time? Just because I struggle all the time financially, doesn’t mean they have to feel it too at this time of year.

So readers, spill the beans on your Christmas buying. I might finally learn how to do it for next year.

But what happens when you realise that your children aren’t as young as you think they are and they have wised up to the Santa thing. My oldest has known I’m Santa for awhile when she twigged that Santa’s handwriting on the gift tags was just like mums, not to mention that we must have bought wrapping paper at the same place.  She kept the secret for her younger brother’s sake and if anything it built a secret bond between us as we knew the truth but were united to keep the magic going for him.

Except this week I feel as though the magic has all gone as now even he admitted to knowing that Santa was actually me. I feel somewhat deflated by his announcement.  There has been no letters to Santa this year and even worse I can’t bribe them to be good. I feel as if I have learnt Santa isn’t real all over again and Christmas now has no magic at all.

Of course there is one other major downside to it all is that they were always rather reserved in their wish lists to Santa as he was a busy man who had to buy a lot of presents. Now it’s a different matter. I of course don’t have to buy presents for the whole world nor apparently am I that busy. Instead of the sweet, best handwritten letters with pictures of dolls and cars that Santa was treated to, I get a list. A long list at that, complete with what shop to find each item, the prices and in preference order. Funnily enough though, the most expensive items at the top.  

So my magic of Christmas has truly been stolen by my wised up and growing up fast children. Another thing they don’t warn you of when you first become a parent.

For starters we have…

Prezzybox – gifts, gadgets and gift ideas ideal for those Christmas lists. Quote XMAS09 and receive £5 off when you spend £20. Offers expires on 31/12/09

Play.com – for all those teenager and hard to buy people, a DVD or CD is always a good back up plan. If you spend over £50 quote PLARBS09 to get £5 off . Be quick as the offer expires 5/12/09

Calendars Direct – 2010 calendars are everywhere in every theme imaginable. Quoting Caldirdisc to receive 5% off your order, offer valid till 30/11/09 so get ordering now.

Barratts – Get your feet wrapped up warm in some fashionable boots or get ready to party the night away in some new shoes. We all love new shoes . Quote AMAZINGB to get 20% off everything – yes that’s everything.  or quote XMAS09 to get £5 off when you spend over £40, £10 off when you spend over £75 and £15 off when you spend over £100 plus free deliver on all orders.Be quick though as these offers close 30/11/09

Happy bargain grabbing.

When I set out to write about being a single parent I had a good idea of what I wanted to say. It was going to be very balanced – an essay type argument – with a clear list of pros and cons. You can imagine the style; a punchy introduction, a few positives, a smattering of negatives, all building up to the conclusion that sure, parenting alone is tough, but it also brings a whole host of benefits.

So I sit down to write. On the first page I get as far as a heading. I actually write ‘some things that are great about being a single parent’ at the top of the page and prepare to brainstorm. I stare a while at the bright white blankness of the page, perfectly reflecting the blankness of my mind.

I can think of plenty of reasons why I’m particularly glad not be co-parenting anymore with my ex – no clash in parenting styles, no more crying and shouting in front of the children, no more begging him to take them out just for a couple of hours and then feeling too guilty to enjoy my time alone. They aren’t hugely positive though. I realise they aren’t specifically reasons why I love parenting on my own, more like reasons I’m glad to be out of a damaging relationship. I guess when your options are limited to being alone or being with a partner who sucks away your very essence then single motherhood does seem appealing.

I fantasise briefly about the as yet undiscovered third option, the one where we frolic as a family in sun-dappled woodland with a Brad Pitt type father figure who, on our return to our family home, lovingly prepares dinner for us all before running me a bath and supervising wholesome craft activities with a cluster of adoring children. The fantasy doesn’t do much to inspire me in my quest for the joys of single parenthood and I feel temporarily at a loss. Surely if I can’t think of any positives then I should be miserable? If mothering alone really has no perks then why am I not ready to stick my head in the oven every time I cook a dinner that is guaranteed to be rejected by at least one of my two children? 

I may not have found my happily ever after yet but I am far from fed-up. I am quite content being the sole breadwinner, housekeeper and distributer of cuddles. Not having a partner often makes things simpler for me and my inner control freak quite likes the fact that I always get the final say. I do find myself from time to time overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all, but on the whole taking the lead feels natural to me. Although I’m not sure my eldest daughter really understands to concept of authority. “I never really think of you as a parent,” she revealed recently “I just thought you were in charge because you were the tallest.”

Bringing up children on your own is tough, there is no denying that. There is no one to share secret proud glances with at school plays, no one to share the tedium of cooking, washing and badly written bedtime stories. If you want things done, you most definitely have to do it yourself. Does being part of a couple though actually half the workload? I’m not convinced. I would bet that the majority of women would, if they were really honest, say they had the lion’s share of the responsibility for the children – doctor’s appointments, dental check-ups, school trip money, presents for birthday parties – how many women find they are ultimately the ones in charge of all these dull day to day duties? If not actually doing them then co-ordinating them. At least as a single parent you never expect anyone else to share these chores with you, so you never end up disappointed or resentful.

And then it dawns on me. Single parenthood may not have many unique positives going for it, other than those that come with being single generally like taking up the whole bed and the satisfaction of knowing you only have yourself to blame when you run out of milk, but that doesn’t mean the joys of parenthood generally don’t still apply. The unconditional love you give and receive, the arms flung around your neck and the shower of kisses you get for no other reason than that you are mummy. Perhaps not so applicable for a 14 year old, but still, you get the drift.

So thinking about it, maybe I wasn’t so far off the mark with my plan for a balanced argument, as the all consuming nature of single parenthood does work both ways. Sure most children’s books are dull – I have never really been one for storytelling – but being the sole provider of bedtime stories does make you sole beneficiary of goodnight kisses and proclamations that you are loved ‘to infinity and beyond’, which in my book more than makes up for the mountain of washing and pile of dirty dishes I have waiting for me downstairs. Besides, I will just make one of the kids do the washing up in the morning – now that really is the best of both worlds.

Jo Middleton is a freelance journalist and single mother. She lives with her two daughters in Somerset, UK.

How long have you been a single mum?

I’ve been a single mum since June 2005.  I was unhappily married and was tired of being the little wife and Madi’s mum.  I wanted more than that and wanted to be seen as more than that so after seeing one of my mail friends take more of an interest in my own daughter than her father, I upped and left.  He was also crap with money and I was tired of being in debt.  How I thought that ending my marriage would solve that problem is anyone’s guess but it hasn’t but it’s my own debt and under my control.

How many children do you have?
I have one beautiful daughter but would love more.  I just don’t want the fella that comes with it…Well I do but finding the right type of fella is a hard one especially when you use online services and you think you might have found someone potentially interesting then you tell them you’re blind and all of a sudden….Bam they’re running for the hills.  I keep considering adopting or fostering too but it has its advantages and disadvantages so we’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

You mention you are blind, how sever and how long have you been blind?
I have been blind since birth and have about as much sight to get me in or out of trouble depending on the circumstances.

Being a mum is hard word, being a single mum is harder so how on earth do you manage?
I guess I manage like any mum.  My daughter is a clever little girl and her reading is better than most adults I know which come in really useful when you want to make sure you serve beans rather than rice pudding.  My house is never as neat as a pin and it drives my mother absolutely crazy but that’s how I live.  I have to have a very good memory and systems for organizing tins into categories etc.  I have some support from people I know and trust that come and help me with reading a corresponding to post etc but to be honest being a single mum definitely has its advantages.  There’s no playing me off against dad when it comes to implementing rules etc.  I get all the cuddles and mad Madi and I are exceptionally close.  Of course it means that if I want to go somewhere everything has to be organized with military
precision which is sometimes hard work but I never have to worry about money not coming in as I fit my work around her which is exactly how I want it.

Have you come across any discrimination to single mums in your everyday life?
I can’t say I have really except for my local sports centre which is supposed to be family-oriented, does not have a crèche so it makes getting to the gym a bit of a challenge.

You mention you’re an entrepreneur, tell us more.

I am an entrepreneur and I feel very passionate about what I do.  I am an authorized Distributor with the Utility Warehouse.  I help people save money on their bills and help those who wish to make an income recommending the services to others.  It’s a wonderful business to be in as it not only fits around my daughter but is truly a residual income opportunity.  Unlike people in conventional business, if they don’t work they don’t get paid.  I do….every time my customers pay their bills.  It’s very people oriented
and I love seeing what it can do for others and the dreams it can fulfill. There are so many wonderful people in this business and when I’m around that sort of successful person I’m at my happiest.  I also love the fact that when I shop at Argos, boots etc, I’m reducing my utility bill which always makes me feel less guilty about buying stuff.

If you would like to know more about her experiences then you can read more at www.kerrypainter.co.uk

Are you a lone parent frustrated with being jobless?

Does having children make it harder to find employment?

Fed up with being skint – and judged?

Feel like you have no choices?

Or, are you are happy living the way you are?

Do you want to challenge people’s perceptions of unemployed parents?

We are doing some research about unemployment in the current climate and would love to hear from you. Please get in touch for a chat.

Email:eva.arnold @ loveproductions.co.uk

Direct line: 0207 067 4889

Think I will put this on my Christmas List

Believe in yourself and magic will happen – I think this can sum up the highs and lows of being a single mum. When you first start out its daunting to think you will be doing it all yourself. Then as time goes along you sudden realises it’s been weeks or months or in my case years and your still surviving. Sometimes though, doubt can creep into your mind. Are you doing the right thing, are you too strict or not strict enough. It’s hard to gauge when you don’t have another person to bounce your ideas etc off. But if you believe in yourself, look around you, your kids are happy, you might not be able to give them latest gadgets and gizmos or lavish money on them. But they are learning to be part of a team , your team. They are learning that not all families are the same. They are learning things that can’t be bought.

 So I think the key is to believe in yourself and magic happen.

The biggest mistake though is not facing the problem or not trying to tackle it. It may be on your mind all the time but not actually doing anything positive about it is just hiding from the problem.

Take control of the situation. So ok you’re in debt. You’re not the first or last and certainly not alone.

If you are in serious debt contact your creditors (the people you owe money to) before they contact you. They don’t actually want to take court action unless it is absolutely necessary. But the problems won’t go away if you ignore them. They will only get worse.

Seek advice. Don’t go to debt counselling companies that charge a fee for their services. I made this costly mistake and still trying to unravel the mess. There are companies that don’t charge and the money you would pay in fees could go towards paying off debts.

First make sure you getting all the money you are entitled to. www.entitledto.co.uk has a nifty anonymous calculator then will estimate what you could be entitled to.

Sit down and list everything and I mean everything. Be it on a piece of paper or getting nifty with an excel sheet. Work out exactly what you have coming in and what goes out. You have probably looked at this before and cancelled the things you don’t need like gym membership for a gym you don’t go to etc. But it is worth having another look at it.

Keep this to hand and then talk to your local http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk . There advice is free and up to date. Other free organisations are http://www.payplan.com and http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk . These people deal with people with debt problems every day. They won’t be shocked but will offer advice on what the best action is for your situation and circumstances.

I can’t stress enough the importance of tackling the situation and keeping away from companies that charge for their services.

You are not alone

It sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. You are not alone in feeling nervous about meeting new people. Walk into any school or mums’ group and you can just about guarantee that the majority of the other mums there are feeling just the same.

It is true that some playgrounds and toddler groups do have a few well established cliques, but there are still plenty of people to talk to. If in doubt, ease yourself in gently. If you have preschool age kids, try a smaller more focused group to start with. Something like baby music sessions are great because they are normally small size classes, the babies tend to be similar ages, and you often get the chance for a chat and a cup of tea at the end of the session.

Confidence is just an act

Perfect the art of walking tall, even when you’re feeling low. Our body language and posture reflects how we are feeling about ourselves. When we are feeling shy or self conscious we show this in the way we move and hold ourselves. When trying to appear more confident we can use this knowledge of body language to our advantage by changing the way we use our bodies to trick our minds into thinking we really ARE confident. Try it now – be aware of how you are sitting, standing, you facial expressions. Now alter your posture, make your back straighter, hold you head high and smile. Bet you feel better already!

Walk into a new group of people with a big smile on your face, looking as if you are a regular, and you’re half way there. Just imagine how you would behave if you were feeling confident and completely at ease with the situation, then just act that way regardless of how you really feel.

Get Involved

Most toddler groups, play schools or local NCT branches are run by a group of volunteers, most of whom are likely to be parents themselves. Getting involved as a member of a committee, in fundraising activities or maybe as a contributor to a local newsletter is a good way to meet new people, often away from the gaze of your children. Don’t worry that will have to commit yourself to anything. Going along to an NCT branch meeting for instance does not mean you have to take on a particular job, but existing committee members are likely to be thrilled just to have somebody new contributing fresh ideas and experiences. For mums of school age children the PTA is a great place to get to know people.

Shared Interests and support

Having children is actually a great ice breaker. There aren’t many other groups you can join where you are guaranteed that every person there shares at least one common interest – you know you’ll all be parents! If you can find some groups particularly targeted at single parents then even better. There are plenty of organisations around that aim to support single parents and put them in touch with other people in the same situation. If you can’t find a single mums group in your local area, why not set up your own? Having a local support network of mums in the same boat can be invaluable; both in terms of the emotional support you can offer each other and the practical help e.g. sharing babysitting and childcare.

Team up

If the thought of meeting new people alone is just too daunting to contemplate, consider dragging a friend or relative along for moral support. Perhaps you have existing friends with children of their own who would come along with you or you could take your mum or a willing sister. If you have recently had a baby and have met some like-minded mums at antenatal classes now’s the ideal time to get to know them a bit better. Invite them along to try out a local toddler group with you and at least you’re guaranteed someone to talk to.

As you begin to make new friends an easy way to take a friendship to the next level is to suggest an outing to somewhere new or an activity that neither of you have been brave enough to try on your own before. That way you’ll be widening your social circle even further at the same time as getting to know your new friend better.

Be yourself

The best way to make sure that any new friendships you form are long lasting and rewarding is to be yourself – simple but true. It is important to how things in common besides your children – a shared sense of humour and a similar outlook on life are important too. Hopefully this way many of the friends you make now will last long beyond the time when the trials and tribulations of parenting have ceased to be such a prominent part of every conversation. 

Some ideas for ways to meet other mums:

Gingerbread – www.gingerbread.org.uk

SPAN – www.spanuk.org.uk

Meet a Mum Association – www.mama.co.uk

National Childbirth Trust – www.nct.org.uk

Kindly written by Jo Middleton. Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

I have two children so the idea of dragging them on the quest for a new item never filled me with enthusiasm. Now it’s a way of life.

I don’t have to tackle the car parks or pay the extortionate price of parking. I don’t have to spend my precious petrol on the whole experience either. I shop with my slippers on and cup of coffee. Total bliss.

But now I am saving money as I shop on the internet. I promise its nothing shady or such like. I found a site that pays me back a percentage of what I spend. EH? I hear you cry. Well I pop along to Internet Cashback and log in. Browse to the section I want, like today it was New Look for clothes. I click the link and taken to New Look website. I happily shop away knowing that I will get 8% back into my Internet Cashback account from shopping at New Look . Once you have reached £40 they send it along to your bank account. Personally I am going to leave the money in there till Christmas.

It’s not all 8% either . Take out home insurance with HSBC and you have earnt yourself £25. Shop at Boots ? You could be earning yourself 4% on your purchases. WH Smiths for the kids back to school stuff, you could be earning 3.5% back into your purse. There really is such a wide variety on there that I have mearly skimmed the surface. And remember all those percentages add up to a nice deposit back into your purse just because you went through Internet Cashback.   

As well as loads of categories, it’s well worth joining for the free £10 they give you just for signing up. Now when I shop I go through Internet Cash back to reward myself with £%. How cool is that, it’s like being paid to shop.

My children listened open mouthed as I explained about the different sweets and cartoon characters I had grown up with, not to mention vinyl instead of CD’s etc. But it totally knocked them when I explained there were no mobile phones and even some people didn’t have normal house hold phones.

‘How did you arrange to meet up in the holidays?’ my daughter asked who is of the age she is permanently texting to arrange this and that. Imagine her shock when I explained it was either pre-arranged or you called by their house. The news that I would write to my friends was just completely jaw dropping. Their reactions intrigued me so I pursued the conversation telling them how modern life actually is now. The invention of dishwashers and tumble dryers all being in my living memory. How their Nan brought me up with no washing machine or microwave and the days when we had no TV.

Now I know life progresses and things improve but have we actually improved our lives? My mother at my age was twice as fit as I am with all the annual housework. I, in comparison, use all the costly labour saving devices then pay to go to the gym. Or how I buy all the conveyance foods and supermarket junk complete with the over the top packaging etc only to try afterwards to coax some good food like fruit into them. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go back to basics and cook it all myself knowing that it has all the good things in it and cutting out the weekly fruit and supermarket battle?

Are we really moving forward or just making more work for ourselves.

This may seem cruel, but the whole point of paid for play is that I get let off the responsibility of being an endless source of entertainment. Parenting generally is exhausting. Parenting alone is relentless and it is crucial to give yourself time out now and again.

Of course it does seem slightly perverse to pay to spend the afternoon indoors on what has turned out to be one of the sunniest days this month, but I comfort myself with the fact that I am actually protecting us both from harmful UV rays. I have never been the kind of mum to remember sun lotion, so this is the next best thing.

Sure we could have romped through woods looking for animal tracks or other such wholesome activities, but then it’s difficult to read the papers when you are attempting to bluff your way in tree identification. You can try the park, but the chances are at our local that you’ll have to contend with a steady stream of bored teenagers swearing and hogging all the best stuff. Plus at the park there is no escape from the plaintive cries of ‘mummy can you push me on the swings?’

At our indoor soft play centre my energetic seven year old is guaranteed to find a friend and I am off the hook. After ten minutes she is already holding hands with one of the big girls and I am a good way through The Times. I have brought with me a selection of papers, magazines and books – the second rule of soft play is to be prepared – and I work my way happily through them, easily blocking out the screams of toddlers and the flashing of the muted flat screen TVs that line the walls.

Soft play is basically low cost childcare. For a paltry £14 a month I can have unlimited access – all I need to do is repeat this afternoon’s session a few times a week and I’m looking at an hourly rate of about 27p. Bargain. Sure, it’s no Montessori, but my daughter has a great time and after a few hours with my head in a book I feel refreshed and ready to climb back on the never ending merry go round of single parenthood.

Kindly written by Jo Middleton. Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

Instead of buying a lottery ticket put the money into a jar, when it reaches a lump sum buy premium bonds instead.

Get used to using cash rather than credit cards. It’s a proven fact that people using cash spend less then those who pay with plastic.

Voucherseeker.co.uk  & Vouchercodes.co.uk– have the pick of the best discount from big names. 

Toluna – get products for free to try out. Only catch you have to report back on what you think and your opinions on the products. Click Here to find out more. 

Switch off TVs , hi-fis and PCs instead of leaving them on standby – can save up about £130 a year.

By swapping just 5 of the most used light bulbs for energy-saving bulbs saves you  £30 a year 

Turning down the thermostat just one degree saves £50 a year.

Check your getting the best prices – it pays to shop around.

• Save On Your Bills – to see if you can save on your bills.
• mySupermarket.co.uk – to check the best prices in the supermarket before you go shopping.
• Beat That Quote – always wise to check out the quote you’ve had is the best one.

Use canned cream instead of fresh

Use dried beans and chickpeas instead of canned

Use streaky bacon instead of back bacon

Use pollack instead of cod

Use boneless chicken thighs instead of chicken breasts

Use the freezer to store bread and crumpets saves throwing it away what hasn’t been used because it’s past its best.

Empty wine dregs into ice cube trays, can be used then in soups, casseroles and sauces for extra flavour.

Send in your tips or add them in the comments below

Supermarket Loyalty Cards – if they do one – get one. By just presenting a card you get loyalty points. These will soon add up and can be used in a variety of ways.

Buy Loose – Fruit and veg is cheaper when bought loose. Will you really eat your way through that bag of oranges before they go off? I know I don’t in my vain attempt to get at least one piece of fruit into my kids.  Save even more by buying seasonal and if you can shop after 4pm they are often discounting it all too.

Write a shopping list – and remember to take it with you. Planning a weeks shopping and sticking to it wont add on the little extras you forget about till it comes to paying the bill. A special offer is only good if you actually like and use the product in the first place.

Time your attack – supermarkets need the shelf space for the next days delivery so many items are put on offer. If you can mange to shop in the evening or on a Sunday you can benefit by saving some money.

Buy Bulk – but only on your staples that you know you will constantly use. Things like rice, pasta, olive oil etc. And make sure you have storage space to keep it all.

Buy Own Brand – Not only are they cheaper they are just as good or better. My children thought they only drank branded squashes till they caught me refilling a branded bottle with own label.

Dont Shop When You’re Hungry – we have all done it and you always come out with loads more than you need.

Shop Alone – if at all possible don’t shop with kids or partners. They get in the way, add things to the trolley and stop you getting the job done.

Basically you get 1 point for every £1 you spend. Once you have reached 100 points they convert it into a voucher worth £1. Now whilst your thinking this doesn’t sound much it does add up. They also do various promotions where you can double up your points, earn extra points and receive more for your points. Once they sold iPod shuffles for £49 and gave 999 bonus points. Add that to the normal points accrued on the sale and it actually turned out you had £42 of clubcard Deals making the iPod effectively £7.

Nectar Points – Used in Sainsbury’s. BP, Homebase, Amazon.co.uk, Play.com and Dixons.co.uk

For every £1 spent usually gains you 2 points. You can use the points in exchange for gifts, shopping discounts off member stores and days out.

Joining the email newsletter with them can boost your points when they send out questionnaires in return for 50 points or more. 

Boots – Use online or in store an earn 4 points for every £1.

Most the stores have loyalty machines that print out offers and vouchers when you insert your card. Boots commonly hold mega weekends where extra points are given out . If you spend online though remember to collect your points from instore with in 6 months or you loose the points.

When we have already cut back on things just to make the sums add up, we are now faced with the task of having to cut back and tighten the belt even more.

So how on earth can we do it? Its not going to be easy and its not going to be pretty. Never more than now does the saying ‘every penny count’ mean so much. So I have now we have a money section. Simple tips, big tips, easy tips…..actually any tip I know or can find to help save those pennies.

Saving Money on the Shopping Bill – how small things as we shop can save some pennies.

Loyalty Cards – What do you get for your loyalty?

Saving Money in the Kitchen - simple and easy tips to help save the pennies.

Saving Money Generally - ideas to save moeny generally on anything.

Please get in touch with your moeny saving tips so they can be added and help others.

Often after a divorce, people will look back and say they wished they had tried harder. Divorce isn’t an easy option and you should be really sure as possible before going down this route. It can be costly not just in money terms but emotionally too. If possible try couples counselling. Talking to a third impartial party can help and then after counselling you decide you do want a divorce then at least you know you have tried everything possible to save your marriage.

If I sought legal advice would my husband find out? 

Just because you have talked to a solicitor it doesn’t mean you have started a divorce. You can find out from your solicitor your rights and if your marriage gets back on track then at least you haven’t lost anything. Your meeting will be treated in confidence so unless you tell your husband then no he wouldn’t find out.

Would a trial separation work?

Everyone is different. What works for some, doesn’t work for others. The time apart may be what you need or it may confirm to you that a divorce is what you want.

Friends and family are telling me to leave him.

As well meaning as friends and family are at giving advice don’t let them railroad you into a decision. They are not in your marriage and are making judgements from outside and without all the facts. It’s a very personal decision that only you can make. 

Though we are splitting up, neither of us want to move out during the divorce.

Financial constraints may mean you can’t move out and neither of you have to. But emotionally it might be better to live separately. Even if you are the one initiating the divorce, you don’t have to be the one who has to leave. It’s probably best and more stable for the children for them to stay in their home if possible. Think before you do anything and seek professional advice. 

If I leave would I lose any rights I have to my house? 

No. If the house is in both names or solely in your name then legally you don’t lose any rights at all. It is though in practise easier to keep control of the legal process if you are still in the house. Talk to your lawyer before you act.

I think my husband is going to react badly when I tell him I’m leaving him.

If you think he may react badly then consider having a mutual friend or family member with you when you tell him, they might be able to calm him down and are there for your safety too.

What do I tell everyone? 

You tell them as little or as much as you want. There is no need to be ashamed and might even be a relief to stop pretending everything is fine. You’re not the first nor will you be the last person to go through a divorce so you will probably find a lot of support and sympathy.

Hi there,
 
I’m writing to you from Renegade Pictures regarding a programme we’re making
for the BBC about pregnancy. The documentary will be a warm, thoughtful look
at pregnancy today, in which our expectant presenter will meet 7 women
having a baby at different times of their lives – and with equally diverse
lifestyles. We’re really keen that this documentary will explore the wide
range of options that are available to women, providing a fascinating
insight into this very special time.
 
We’re looking to contact women in the UK who are having their first baby and
are particularly keen to feature women who are in their late 30’s, 40’s or
50’s who are currently pregnant and have been successful through IVF or
alternative fertility treatments. We hope this will be a positive
opportunity for them to talk about their experiences, choices, and outlooks,
and really want to offer them the opportunity to put their opinions across -
perhaps challenging stereotypes if they are passionate about that.
 
If you’re interested in finding out more you can call me on: 07548 948 995
or email: baby(at)renegadepictures(dot)co(dot)uk.
 

Many thanks and best wishes,
 
Paula

The key is to stop panicking that you can’t do it, stop and breathe for a moment. Calm yourself and your fears of raising unsociable, odd socked and misfit children. You’re using up energy worrying about it ( and maybe even making yourself ill) that could be put to better, more positive  use.

Now write a list of what is important to you. Everyone’s list will be different and there is no right or wrong things to put on the list. If it’s important to you and you don’t think you’re coping with it then put it on the list. (Don’t say all of it- be more specific). It can be simple small things that seem huge right now. It can be huge things that you might have to get out side advice for. You would laugh if you read my list. I even had the small unimportant thing of not letting my children ever go out the door in odd socks. Sounds silly to me now but for me at the time it was important.

After prioritising your list, don’t look at it as a list of failures but a list of challenges to be over come. Tackle each item one by one. Some things will just need a bit or advanced organising (like my odd sock thing) to other things you might need to seek advice for.  Just the sheer fact of writing it down will help. When you start ticking things off it should hopefully all become easier.

• Be as honest and open as possible
• Be calm and optimistic about the future
• Say that you are upset/angry/anxious but don’t get over emotional
• Reassure then that you both love them
• Reassure them that they will still see you both
• Reassure them that it wasn’t their fault
• Be prepared with details of what going to happen
• Be prepared to answer their questions
• Let them know that they can talk to either of you about the situation at any time
• Make your talk age appropriate
• Don’t blame or criticise each other
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep
• Don’t tell them to keep it a secret
• Don’t go into unnecessary details of your relationship

One of the main things is an inside/outside approach. Eating a good diet and your skin will benefit form it.

• The bad news is though that sugar is one of the no’s for the skin. It makes your skin less elastic resulting in sags, bags, lines and wrinkles. Also products made with flour and processed foods. 
• Eating foods that are high in omega-3 fatty acids will help keep the skin plump. That’s the oily fish (salmon, mackerel, sardines and herrings) but also walnuts, fresh vegetables and non-citrus fruit (blue and other berries). 
• Try and eat less animal protein like red meat and dairy products. 
• Drink lots of still pure water – we all know this one but do you follow it and are you getting at least 8 large glasses a day? 

Can it really be that easy? Well your skin reflects what you eat, as my grandmother use to say. So instead of looking at this as a time of being poor and not being able to afford the luxuries in life, look at it as a way of going natural and greener. 

Whilst I am wittering on about foods, there are also a few foods called super foods. No they wont make you sprout a cape and have super powers (oh I wish) but instead they help protect you against all the diseases of aging, from cancer to memory loss. 

Antioxidants – these vitamins and minerals are mainly found in fruit and vegetables. They prevent a damaging process called oxidative stress which is caused by pollution, ultraviolet light and smoking. It leads to the formation of excess free radical molecules – the real big baddies behind disease and aging. The top foods to look out for are prunes, raisins, blueberries, blackberries, garlic, kale, strawberries, spinach, raspberries, Brussels sprouts, plums, broccoli, beetroot and avocado. Now if I can incorporate some of those into my week I have every confidence you can too. 

Organic Eggs – these are the top foods for protein. They also cleverly contain nutrients that prevent fat deposits, help memory, concentration and emotional balance. 

Green Tea – is really good for helping protect against heart disease, cancer, tooth decay, arthritis and bone loss. 

Millet – now I know it doesn’t sound very exciting but it is gluten-free and is rich in silica which will benefit hair, skin and nails. Surely there must be something vaguely exciting we can figure out to put it in?

Nuts – almonds are protein rich and collagen building. Brazil nuts for selenium to protect against cancer and improve thyroid function. Walnuts will help a healthy heart. 

Oats – are a fantastic source of slow release energy but also lower cholesterol and blood pressure.

Spices and Herbs –Try rosemary and sage to help memory, thyme for lung function. Then there is yellow turmeric to help prevent Alzheimer’s and IBS, reduce joint pain and boost immunity. Fresh ginger will help reduce inflammation for conditions like rheumatism and heart disease.

This is only touching the surface on all these super foods and eating healthily. Just having a day a week binge on them may be a start and least you’re trying but to gain the most out of these super foods they need to be introduced into your daily eating.

So I worked my last day in the office and next day armed with P45 I contacted the three amigos again. Tax credits have told me to call back at the end of the month as the holiday week is still classed as employment. Housing benefits took a copy of my p45 and have adjusted my claim ready for when it changes. They can already tell me what and when I will get paid. Another gold star for them. Job centre, well I don’t think they will be gaining any gold stars form me. I filled out my claim on line the day after working as I was advised when I called them. A lady calls next day to go over more questions. Turns out a lot of questions and even I by the end of it couldn’t remember how many children I had let alone their dates of birth. Next I was informed to attend an interview the next day at the job centre and warned that only exceptional circumstances would be accepted if I didn’t attend.

 So off I trot to the job centre, 10 minutes early as usual for me. To say they have had a face lift since I last went is a bit of understatement. They are all trendy now in primary colours, sofas and not one but two security guards. Gone are the days of walls of jobs on note cards, instead its full of fangled touch screen machines complete with a reception that looks like she is a maitre de of a restaurant. I have to see lady first who goes over my online claim and the questions from the telephone call. Of course it is wrong, the lady on the phone must have got bored and click happy. Once corrected I am asked to wait for the lone parent advisor. This is the lady I want to see, I have questions, lots of them. I have even written them down and have pen ready to fill in the answers. An hour later I leave despondent and with no answers. I was basically told to ask all those things if I still want to know in 6 months time.

As for knowing when and what I will be paid, well your guess is as good as mine. At a time where I am going to a smaller income, I am responsible enough to have an excel sheet that tells me what I have to spend and when. ( by the way Christmas this year will be moving to 4 months later as my excel sheet tells me I can afford it then) I do know what I will get once they have sorted it all out as I checked on Entitled To and that is pretty much accurate for my circumstances.

So my advice if your about to go this route.

• Call all of them as soon as you know your circumstances are going to change.
• Check what your are entitled to, don’t rely hearsay.
• Explain to your landlord. Housing benefit is paid 4 weekly and most peoples rent is monthly. If he knows and is forewarned he might be more lenient.
• Keep a note of every telephone call you have with any of them.
• Be prepared to wait for all the benefits to be sorted out. Speed and easy transition is not in their vocabulary.

If any one else has some advice please chip in and comment

 I know it’s hard not to take it personally when some you have counted on turns and says they don’t want to see you again. But it doesn’t mean you are broken in anyway. The relationship was broken and he is telling you that it’s not right for him anymore. Respect that he has feelings and he is just being honest.

 If he has come out with the ‘we will still be friends line’, it doesn’t mean he might change his mind. He is probably trying to ease his own conscience. Before you even house the idea of trying to be friends you need distance, time and to heal. Then decide if his friendship is what you want.

 Don’t contact him. No you don’t really need to. Take all his details out of your phone. Box up anything of his or reminds you of his into a box and store away in the garage. No, this doesn’t mean leaving it on the lawn to ruin his prize book collection in the rain. Remember you’re a nice person really and right now your emotions are ruling your normally sane mind.

 Call closet friends. They will be your support system through the tough days. And if you’re wailing at the screen that you don’t have any friends or that none of your friends understand then email me. I understand, I will answer and I have been there.

 These are just a few quick points but the main thing is to do even though your heart is breaking in two and you really don’t want to be hearing the news, muster every bit of strength you can and hold your head up high. Walk away with dignity. Or at very least till you’re out of sight before you start crying your heart out.

 Don’t drag it out- the dead is best done when you realise that it has to be done. Don’t drag it out weeks or months while you figure out what you want in life. It’s wasting yours and his time and it is selfish. Oh and do it face to face. If your old enought o be swapping bodily fluids then you are old enough to do things properly and if it means face to face then get on with it. You wouldn’t like to be dumped via the phone, email or text.

 Be definitive – this is about your feelings so be confident in them. It’s not a request to analyse your feelings and debate the issue. It sounds harsh but deliver the news, making it clear it’s about your feelings and not a short fall in the other person.

 Don’t give hope – Don’t use the lines like ‘I hope we can be friends’. Your only saying this to ease your conscience and if you truly mean it you know that distance and healing needs to be done first before there is any hope of friendship. Trying to be friends the next day only gives them false hope that it can be rekindled.

 Be honest but humane- Just because you are delivering the news that you don’t want to see them again doesn’t mean it’s a chance to list every little flaw and problem in them and the relationship. Let him have some dignity.

 Leave them alone- No you don’t have to just check they are ok. It will confuse them. Yes you may be missing them and yes you may feel bad but you wanted out. Give him the space to hate you and get over you.

So what is self-esteem? Well it’s the bit of you that gives yourself value and helps you stand up for yourself. We maybe be born with heaps of it, it does get eroded by parents, teachers, comments from friends and even lovers. So if you are someone who always remembers the insults and discards the compliments and always put yourself down or thinks you deserve less than others than it’s a case of low self esteem.

 Learn to appreciate things about yourself other than your looks – What strengths or talents do you have? Get out there and find out if you’re not too sure. Starts to see and embrace other things in your body besides beauty.

 Drop the lazy thinking – lazy thinking is thinking that if you just reach a certain dress size or look a certain way then you will be happy. It’s also thinking that no one else knows what it is like for you and worrying that people are judging you because you don’t look perfect. Stop with the lazy thinking as it’s not true. No one is perfect, just a quick look around will show you we are all made up of different types and sizes. And the person who is judging you for not being perfect is actually you, which means you can stop doing it.

 Appreciate your body and your mind – appreciate your body for what it can do now, for how far it has brought you in life. Ok you might not be where you want to be yet but its not all bad and neither are you. We all have times when we feel unfit, unhealthy and beat of selves up for choices we have made but instead of using all that to make yourself feel bad, change it and remember its you who can alter those things.

• Exercisers have leaner bodies than those who only diet as muscle takes up a third of the space of fat.
• Have more self esteem and confidence because their bodies feel stronger.
• Keep weight off longer than dieting alone.
• Feel more positive.
• Feel great in general as exercise releases feel-good endorphins.
• Are healthier as on average the risk of having a heart attack is reduced by about a third in people who exercise.

So how do you transform form coach potato to exerciser?

Find your motivation – the real key to successful exercising is to find a sport or activity that suits you and inspires you. It doesn’t just have to be running on a tred mill in a gym. Do you want to learn to run, dance, try martial arts, yoga or swim?  All of those are exercise but in different forms.

Make it a habit – studies have shown that it takes three to four weeks to create a habit. That’s only a month. Pick three days a week and every week at the same time on those days do your exercise of choice. Just for a whole month don’t budge on it and get the habit.

When the going gets tough, just keep going. – Life doest always run smoothly and there might be set backs when you’re unwell, injured or have work commitments. But it is essential to get back into your exercise as soon as you can. Keep reminding yourself of your goal; rope in friends for some support on the tough days. Pay for classes in advance, which alone can motivate you to keep going.

Make activity part of your life – you should see exercise as part of your life for life, not something you’re doing to get a life. Exercise can be enjoyed and not just a vision of sweat. Walk across the office instead of emailing, walk those stairs instead of getting the lift. Borrow a dog or just take yourself for a walk and enjoy the views.

Most importantly – get out there and do something.

 First though be honest about how much you eat. – If you think you don’t eat much but steadily gained weight then you need to be aware of what you are eating and how much you are eating. The what and how much are the two things alone that determine your weight gain. Not all foods are made the same and generally the tastier the food than the more calories that have been packed into it. So although you’re eating small amounts you’re probably eating a lot of calories. Keeping a food diary will show you what you actually are eating. Note every bite, snack, drink and even the bits you nibble on while you’re cooking. I am sure I am not the only one who eats the cheese as I grate it.

Stop the mad diets. It’s very tempting to follow a diet that promises easy weight loss, quickly and easily while eating all your favourite foods. However there is no miracle diet that will work in the long run. The only successful way to loose weight is to loose weight steadily through healthy eating. That means less rubbish and more of the good stuff. Following crash diets and you will mess up your metabolism and make loosing weight an even tougher job than it needs to be.

 Eat like a healthy person – a healthy person doesn’t police what they eat, feel guilty if they eat something bad or skip meals because they want to loose weight. They eat when they are hungry and stop when they are not. They also eat three proper meals a day including breakfast. It pays to focus on your morning meal as your body needs fuel/energy in the morning as it hasn’t eaten for ten hours.

 Have realistic goals – aiming to loose 3 stone in two months is not realistic. You can’t reach this sort of goal in that sort of time frame. Attempt it and you will feel cheated, get fed up and veer off course via a cake shop. You goal has to be realistic to your lifestyle, your end goal and your personality. Some people succeed through group weight loss or by a structured diet at home. Others might prefer going cold turkey and cut out all temptations. Choosing the plan that suits your character best and your chances of reaching your goal will increase.

 Take small steps – just like Rome achieving your new body won’t happen over night but can be achieved with a simple strategic plan that you put into action on a daily basis. Think healthy eating, exercise, motivation, effort and short and long term goals. Fight the ’stuff it’ moments too as a breakthrough of some sort will be just around the corner. If you’re truly having a bad day and can’t distract your self with something else, then give in to it in a small way and move on. What matters is always what you do next – not what you’ve done already.

• Beauty
• Diet,
•  Exercise
•  Body Image and Self Esteem.

The Body Image Bit -Did you know that 98% of us hate our bodies and that 4 out of 10 of us are permanently on a diet? No wonder we obsess about our bodies every 15 minutes.

 We all have our own personal goals and they can very

• Wanting to loose weight
• Getting fit
• Stamping out horrible habits  
• Getting health issues under control.

 To feel successful about our bodies we need to improve our self esteem and self worth. To feel good about the outside we need to feel good on the inside.

A good place to start is doing something about the neglected areas of our health regime. This will address why we don’t have the energy to do something about the body. We use excuses like ‘can’t be bothered’ and ‘don’t see the point’. We need the energy to muster up the enthusiasm to think about, plan and go for our body goals.

Get enough beauty sleep – most people skip sleep in the week and then try and catch up at the weekend. This only knocks the body clock but will leave you feeling lethargic and even sleepier when you wake up. A more effective sleep pattern is getting a solid 7 hours sleep a night. Don’t have a hot bath before bed and cool your bedroom to a 16 degrees Celsius. Avoiding caffeine for the five hours before you go to bed and no heavy meals two hours before bedtime as this will cause restlessness.

Silence the critic inside – we all have that voice inside, form an ex, mother or friend. It nags whines and tells you you’re not good enough. It also pipes up when you try and do something about it. This inner voice is your fear. It’s scared that maybe you can’t change. People change every day no matter whet their background or present circumstances. Stop the inner voice and argue you back at it.

Be real with your self – Often people say ‘who cares what I look like , its what’s inside that matters’ but you cant separate how you look on the outside to how you feel on the inside as they are connected. In reality what you are actually saying is that you’ve given up on your body and hate it. Body success is about all over success to get there you have to first admit you want change.

Stand tall – statistics show on average 9.4 million of us spend over 75%of the day sitting down. This kind of sedentary lifestyle means your back and stomach muscles become severely unused. Get active for at least 30 minutes a day and learn to maintain good posture.

Put your realties glasses on – or in other words stop comparing yourself to others. You need to stop viewing yourself negatively or comparing yourself with pictures of famous people. Have a good look at yourself. Ignore the bits you dint like. Look at the bits that you do like or the bits that aren’t so bad and you can live with. What bits have you had compliments on?

What is your idea of body success? – Real you vs. fantasy you. What does your fantasy look like? Probably something along the lines of a Barbie doll and you probably beat yourself over the head with the image when you’re having a bad hair day or your hormones have erupted in spots all over your face or when it’s a muffin top over the top of your jeans day. Your never going to feel good about the real you as long as this fantasy is around. There are two choices.

1. Dump the fantasy and come up with a new version to work towards or
2. Dump the fantasy and celebrate who you are right now.

Either way it will take effort but here is where you control the effort. The amount of effort you put in the more result you will get out. Start by brainstorming your idea of body success.

Write down what would it take to make you feel happier about your body

•  How you could achieve it
• What areas you could do with toning up
• How could you achieve that?
• What areas could do with a make over?
• Who could help you with that?
•  Health do you need boost and why
• What’s your deadline -Goals don’t work unless you have a deadline

 But be realistic. If like me you are 5 foot not a lot then you or I are never going to be 6 foot of loveliness. Likewise if you’re tall and thin then you’re never going to be small and cute. But it doesn’t mean you can’t be sexy, strong, sensational looking and happy with your body no matter where your starting point is. The key is to take what you got and to make the most of it. Hone, tone, exercise and diet the rest. If it means primping and glossing then go for it. It’s not vain to want to make the best of yourself.

If your idea of body success means

• Plastic surgery
• Involving zero effort,
• Miracle or crash diets,
• Assume it will just happen,
• Think bigger breast will solve everything
• Or you’re planning always starts tomorrow then you need to rethink as it’s off balance

So you trawled you way through the dating sites, been on the blind dates set up by well intended friends and spent a lot of time in the supermarkets, libraries and art galleries and finally found a man. He has even passed the small milestone of being compatible. Now is the time you get to see if he is actually into you as much as you are into him. Yes I know your gorgeous, lovely and an absolute delight to be around but is it a case of ‘he’s just not that into you’? I have just read the brilliant book of the same title. They call it the no-excuses truth to understanding men and with its no nonsense, tell it as it is approach it really was like a breath of fresh air. You might even recognise the line from Sex and the City but that will be because one of the authors was a writer and a consultant from the series.  

He’s Just Not That into You: The No-excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

• If he’s not asking you out
• If he’s not calling you
• If he doesn’t want to marry you

These are just a few of the things they cover and I don’t want to spoil it by revealing all of it. Its not expensive, it’s from a different point of view. It even manages to leave you feeling good about yourself in some awful situations.

 Stop putting yourself down- have a think about how you talk about yourself. Do you arrive somewhere and then dismiss your self by saying ‘only me’? Or do you refer to yourself as being not particularly clever by saying ‘I’m not very good at this’ when someone comments on something you have done? These negative thoughts and actually saying them have a gradual effect and will eat away at your confidence even more. Get rid of them from your vocabulary.

 Don’t compare yourself – there are always the mums at the school gates who look immaculate, have perfectly behaved kids and look like they have the full eight hours sleep. Or the people you pass in the supermarket that just oozes contentment and confidence. Or the sickingly loved up couple at the next table. But you don’t really know what’s going on in their heads or their lives. They might be very good at covering up the less than perfect bits or on there very best behaviour and secretly envy you. Ultimately comparing yourself with others is pointless. Concentrate on your own journey.

 Reframe your thoughts – instead of negative talk change it to positive talk. Stop the ‘I can’t’ or ‘I won’t’ and use ‘I choose to’ instead.

 Picture what you want instead of what you don’t want – I bet you can list a hundred things you don’t want. You don’t want to be lonely; you don’t want to grow old on my own etc etc. But if you are asked what you do want I bet you’re a bit hazier on what you’re am aiming for.

 Set small and realistic goals – given a huge challenge or change then most of us will retreat, close up and think of ourselves as failures. But if you make these things smaller and more realistic then it’s easier achieved and you feel more successful as you achieve them.

 Be patient – nothing of any value is achieved overnight. If it is then it’s false.

 Don’t give up – life will always throw obstacles in your way. The difference between those who make it and the ones that fall by the wayside is that the ones who make it look for a way around the problem or just try again.

 Accept yourself as you are – confidence doesn’t mean perfect. So accepting your self just as your are complete with the less desirable bits.

The opposite of rebound are the ones who find it hard to love again. For some they are stuck, unable to move on even years after the relationship ended.

What both these situations have in common is that the relationship didn’t reach a proper ending. To learn, to recovery and to move on properly. It’s called the grieving process and is applicable if going through loosing some in bereavement or an ending of a relationship. Those who embark on a rebound relationship are trying to skip the grieving; those who can’t love again become stuck in their grief.

So what is the grieving process? Well it has 5 stages and different people will go through it in different ways. Some might get through the lot in one day; other might take days or even weeks on each stage. It is also common that once you have reached the end something happens and you have to go start it all again , but the good news  is will be easier. It’s not just the dumpee who will experience these emotions, the one who left will also go through the stages too.

Denial – the first response to bad news is numbness. The “it can’t be happening to me” moment. Denial is a sort of buffer against the shock providing you a breathing space to control your thoughts and get your coping strategies and supporters rallied into place.

Anger – it finally sinks in and you can’t get away form the fact it is happening to you. You will go through all the questions of why it is happening to you, why did you deserve this. You might be angry at your partner for doing something wrong or angry at your self for not spotting any signs or making mistakes.

Bargaining – at this point you now realise that your anger is getting you no where fast so your natural coping mechanisms kick in. you remember as a kid demanding something seldom worked so now you resort to the asking nicely faze. Bargaining is fine for short term but all it is doing is postponing the inevitable.

Depression – so the asking nicely didn’t work either so the depression sinks in. This can still be healthy though if we learn form it and not mask it with alcohol and other coping strategies. Depression is a way of your body half shutting down so that you mind can figure things out.

Acceptance – Even though you might not have wanted the relationship to end you finally reach the point you accept it has. Sometime there may be set backs when a song or place triggers memories but generally in acceptance more time is spent in looking forward rather than looking back.

It’s not due to a lack of partners being available in comparison to when we were younger. If you think about it, divorce rate is currently 1 in 3 marriages. So for every six people, 2 of them are potentially single. So the maths to me indicates it’s not a lack of supply.

There is the obvious bit that you have to be out there. I don’t mean literally loitering on street corners. But actually in a healthy frame of mind to accept someone new into your life and also either out in some sort of social scene (the supermarket does count) or tackling online dating.  

Sadly there is the social stigma that comes with being a single parent, which is we are desperate and will gladly accept any offer that is thrown at us. Throw into the mix that we supposed be grateful that this other person took on our complete package, and it is no wonder single parents get targeted by the wrongens in this world.

The truth is that most of us aren’t desperate and any old partner won’t actually do. We are older and wiser than we dated in our teens or twenties when our wish list was severely lacking in quality. Now we have a better idea of what we want or don’t want. We have a life, all be it revolving around school runs and homework. We have views and opinions that are based on life not just what the media forces on us. And as for being grateful they took on the whole package? (This one makes me fume) it is a considerable honour to be allowed into my family unit and be part of our lives.

So maybe its not that we cant find a suitable man because we are single parents, it’s because we have more respect for ourselves than our teenage years and we wont waste our time on any old partner.

 Many of the dating sites provide templates and questionnaires to help, but you will have to have some writing input into it with things like your profile name, hook line ( one sentence that sums you up ) and a bit about you.

 The internet dating gurus recommend writing a bit more about you then just a few sentences as the brief profiles tend to get passed over.

 It is important to describe yourself as honestly as possible. The questionnaire bit normally takes care of the weight, height, colouring, body type, religion, smoking/drinking preferences, education and profession. Be honest with this as trying to pretend your into the stock market to snare a rich chap or that you’re a 6 foot model when your not doesn’t do you any favours and wasting your own plus others time.

 When you think up your username try to steer clear of the ‘cutesy bunnies’ and ‘never found love’ types and don’t use anything that gives exact information about you. In your bit about you, you can mention hobbies and interests you like. Try and write with a personal touch instead of coming across cold and factual. Be humble but stay away from self-deprecating humour.

 Some good words to try and include – sophisticated, loving, generous, reliable, my colleagues describe me as…… affectionate, likes to cuddle, sensitive, caring, down to earth, looking for best friend.

 Words to defiantly avoid using (even if you are all of them) – great in bed, animal, great lover, erotic, uninhibited and other sexual connotations.

 Also spell check and check your grammar. People notice these things in a little box. It’s good also to include what kind of person you want to respond to your ad and also state if you are just looking for friendship, casual relationship or marriage material.

 As for posting a photo of you – the internet dating gurus reckon that the ads with photos get up to ten times more response then those without. So it’s your call on that one but if you do, choose you’re best recent photo and don’t even bother with a pretend picture of a model. Your profile might get rejected.

For starters think of all the friendships you have and had in your life with both male and females. Now think of those that you consider your best friend, the ones that friendship is effortless. That click you had with that person, you probably find you have had a lot of common ground but compliment each other in other areas.

That’s the sort of compatibility you want in a relationship. Its bit like your very best friend and fancy each other. You goal is to find someone who will ultimately be your partner. In the best and successful partnerships they complement each other, provide strengths where the other needs them. One may be good at organising time the other handling money. It’s easier if you’re not always competing against each other. For example two people who think they are the better one at handling money will silently compete against each other.

Another thing to think on is can you imagine running out of things to say to each other? You hopefully will be sitting across a dining table with for many years. Good friends never tire of talking to each other because they find each others thoughts interesting. They also like to experience things together, explore new territory together, mentally and physically.

You’re not looking for an exact replica of yourself as that would be predictable and irritating. Contrasts make your friendship exciting and challenging. But also too big a contrast that will cause problems so in some areas it is better to be more similar in areas that are your fundamental values like politics, religion and morals.

Few Quick helps