So we are ready for tomorrow. I say we rather warily as a brave face is part of it. After he has trundled down the road i am not sure how I feel. It’s a strange feeling when the youngest makes a milestone and there are no younger ones waiting in the wings to follow. I no longer feel like a single mum of young children but that of primary age children. It’s a big a step for me as a parent as it is for him.

When they were younger the hardest part was there shear energy that they had. It was never ending. Games, toys, outings, walk, you name it, and it was all done in wellies and at 100mph. Now its knowledgeable conversations, stroppy hormones, fears of options and careers. The last 11 years, from nappies to primary school, has gone so fast it scares me to think if that if I blink again he will be 22.

If you’re just starting out in your journey as a mum and scared how you’re going to cope, enjoy whatever bits you can. It’s going to go so quick.

For the past two years she has got by on just five hours sleep a night as she studied. It has paid off though as she graduated with a merit for an MSc in Health, Exercise and Nutrition and a post-graduate teaching qualification. She isn’t calling it a day there though as she has now secured a place at Selford University to complete a Phd about asthma in children.

Its amazing the drive and determination Vicky has to carve a career as a university lecturer to a provide a secure and financial future for her 4 children. And proof that not all single mums are sitting at home on benefits as the media paints us.

Big well done to Vicky from Confessions of a single mum 

Carol admits she was a workaholic in her 20s and 30s but she enjoyed being successful and earning lots of money.

“All those things are fantastic but it takes its toll,” she admitted.

“I live in Bristol now and all my friends are not famous – they are just lovely people. You meet people who are contented and it’s not about material things.

“I’m very lucky. I’ve earned a lot money and I’m worth a lot of money.

“But it’s not about that, it’s about having time with the kids.

“We laugh in our house all the time. And it’s all about that really, I think, for me.

“Some women are brave enough to say, ‘No, I’m contented with this’. They’re not striving all the time and you can learn from them. They’re not looking at pictures in the newspaper and feeling bitterness or envy about somebody who is looking fantastic.

“They go, ‘Yeah, doesn’t she look fantastic?’ or, ‘Doesn’t he look great?’ or, ‘Haven’t they done well?’. That gives you contentment.”

She has been writing It All Counts, which is out next month, and also setting up an internet project for kids called The Maths Factor (www.themathsfactor.com).

But she’s a little unhappy with the title of her book.

“It wasn’t my idea,” she said. “I refused lots of other choices with the word count in them but we compromised on It All Counts.”

Carol also struggled to find images for the book, admitting her mum rarely took pictures of her growing up.

She added: “From the day I was born to about the age of 20, I have probably 10 photographs – that’s it.

“I also didn’t have a single photograph of my stepfather. There was one of my father and two of me and my mum.”

Carol was born in Bedford, the youngest of three children. Her dad, Anton, was Dutch and her mum, Jean, Welsh.

But they broke up three weeks after Carol was born and she was raised in Prestatyn, north Wales, until her mum remarried an Italian when she was 10.

She reckons having a camera wasn’t on the list of essentials as her mum struggled doing four jobs and bringing up three children.

A single mum herself, Carol still looks amazing and grabbed headlines last year when she wore an Alexander McQueen dress first showcased by Victoria Beckham.

Carol is currently planning her 50^th Birthday party and you can read the full article over at The Daily Record.

Emily Jane Ardran, of St Marks Close, had previously pleaded guilty to failing to notify the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) that her partner, Brian Kelly, had moved in with her in April 2009.

She did not tell the department until October 2009 that Mr Kelly was living at her home. In the months prior to that she had been overpaid £2302 income support; £2572 housing benefit and £386 council tax.

David Lloyd, defending, read from a Western Telegraph article about the previous hearing. Saying that 37-year-old Ardran lived a meagre lifestyle and when Mr Kelly first moved in it was a “charitable act” on his client’s part.

He said that Ardran had become “entangled in the complexities of the benefit system”, adding that she was of clean character and paying the money back.

After considering a pre-sentence report magistrates ordered Ardran to complete the unpaid work as soon as possible.

“The sooner you can get them done the sooner they can be cleared,” they said. “This draws a line under the matter.”

So what are you waiting for – head over to the forum and try it out.

Odeon Cinemas vouchers – Is your dad a bit of a film buff? Treat him to a movie this Fathers Day at your nearest Odeon cinema and get 1/3 off the ticket prices. This is a great activity that the whole family can enjoy, and it’s even better because it won’t break the bank. Print off this voucher and take it with you. Don’t forget the popcorn!

ASK vouchers – If you’re thinking of taking your dad out for a meal, then consider taking him for a great Italian meal on Fathers Day. The best part about it is that dads eat free on Fathers Day, meaning that the cost of the meal will be dramatically reduced! Your dad can still be spoiled without costing the earth!

Champneys vouchers – If you think your dad deserves a bit of pampering then consider buying him some men’s pampering products from Champneys, and get 25% off the full price. This is the perfect way of showing your pop how much you care without having to foot a hefty bill!

La Tasca vouchers – Celebrate Fathers Day the Mediterranean way at La Tasca, where you can get 50% off tapas to share, as well as ½ price San Miguel and ½ price bottles of wine. This will cut your Fathers Day bill near enough in half, meaning you can spend the remaining cash on a special gift for him.

Firetrap vouchers – Is your dad in need of a makeover? If you’re looking to buy your dad a nice shirt or t-shirt, this voucher could be for you. Firetrap are offering 12% off for Fathers Day, as well as free delivery- meaning you don’t even have to leave your home to get dad’s present!

Whinging – Pet hate and can’t stand it. It’s my rules is this one is a no go.

Bedroom tidying – So far I have not found a way to claim the danger money needed to go in there.

Organisation skills – If they are more organised, them and I spend less time getting the simplest things done.

Dawdling – I don’t have time to wait for someone who takes their time.

Chores – I can only do so much and remain sane. Every chore they do is one less I have to fit in.

Separately they are not that huge a thing but if you’re running a house single handily and have  a child that’s whingey, doesn’t tidy their room, unorganised, dawdles and runs a mile at the mere mention of a chore, then you probably have the average child. Times that by how many children you have and it’s a recipe for one very warn out, physically and mentally, parent.

So how am I tackling these 5 things?

Whinging – Some mothers manage to breed the rare breed of a whinge-less child. They cope with anything that is thrown at them and go on to be adults with the same nature. From bad hair cuts to earthquakes, nothing sets them off. But then there are the rest of us who has a child that whinges. It’s annoying, soul destroying and apparently done because it gets them what they want. I know I am guilty of giving in when they go on and on.

Instead I am now trying this:

First I told them my new rules – Ask properly I will answer; whinge and I will ignore.

Then I ignore them when they are whinging.

I also point out they are whinging and remind them that I won’t answer to whinging, calmly removing myself from the situation.

This one is still a work in progress, but have noticed that although the whinging hasn’t stopped altogether, the amount of time they whinge has dramatically decreased.

Bedroom Tidying – Those who are followers of my site will know this has got me stressed out on many occasions. I confess to being totally jealous and full of envy of all you mums with perfect tidy homes. But I am starting to have a breakthrough on this. Not quiet at the ‘break out the champagne to celebrate another mountain conquered’ stage, but I am less skittish when unexpected guests turn up.

First I explained to my kids what I expected of them and why. Saying I want their room tidy because I’m a neat freak wouldn’t make sense to them and they are more likely to rebel. For mine I explained that …

• it’s nicer to get into a bed that’s made instead of a bed that’s still unmade,
• food and dirty plates attracts all sorts of wildlife,
• tidy toys make it easier to find,
• dirty clothes in the wash bin means I get to wash them and they don’t have to wear smelly clothes

Tailoring it to each child and knowing what makes them tick helped. Now they know what is expected of them and the benefits of why.

Over one of the holidays I suggested we got a head start. Using a timer so they knew there was an end, child and I would tackle one box or one cupboard each day. When I came across, to me, a box of junk I asked what they wanted to keep. Not what they wanted to throw. Wording it that way halved the time it took and doubled the contents of the recycle bag.

On a weekly bases I use the carrot trick and ask them to tidy their room whilst I’m making them lunch. Though I have to time it right. Not hungry and not much tidying gets done; starving hungry and they stuff their things anywhere in a rush and risk fainting.

I smile and praise a lot when they do something without being asked. Even the small things that to you and I would seem insignificant.

Organised – I have lost count how many times I have had to get forgotten swimming kits, lunches and football kits to distraught kids at school. Or when they go to their dads, dropped of forgotten items needed for the following day. So now my two are older I am tackling this pet peeve too.

First I lay down the rules. Forget something and they will be doing swimming in the swimming trunks from lost property (ewe) Forget your belt and you will spend all day holding your trousers up. Forget your homework and your teacher will tell you off etc.

We are now getting into the routine of when I’m cooking tea they have to get their stuff ready for the next day. Few minutes before they are about to zoom out the door I remind them to stop and recheck they have everything. This is putting the organising, checking and consequences onto their shoulders. I just do the reminding.

We have also started a family desk diary. If it’s not in the diary (sleepovers, parties etc) it doesn’t happen.

My two are old enough to start facing consequences and to plan ahead. Yes I have to remind them to check things but it is easier to remind then to run around after them with forgotten things.

Dawdling – Dawdlers come in two varieties. The dreamy away with the fairies kind and the deliberate needs a health warning kind. I am such a lucky person I have one of each.

I have found that getting the dreamer one to set their alarm clock earlier helps. They can then go at their pace. I also make sure they have everything organised for the morning the night before. It does take a huge amount of patience to just gently nudge in the right direction but it is a calmer routine since they have been getting up earlier.

The deliberate dawdler is also made to get up the same time as dreamy. With them though I have found announcing we are leaving in 10 minutes and meaning it and then leaving at the precise time helps. It did take a few ‘leaving without you’ for them to get the message. The key, I have found, is to be firm, positive, and precise with the time. They soon got the message that I meant business and are cutting down on their dawdling deliberately.

NB would just clarify I never left without them but walked slow enough to the car that they managed to catch me up in time.

Chores – I divorced when my two were young and if I knew then what I know now, I would have been more switched on to this one. When they are younger you can capitalise on their eagerness to be helpful. Yes the chores would have to be basic, done together and often redone. But I would have been installing into them from an early age to help around the house. Instead I am rather late on this one but thankfully we are in the age of the mobile phone and my two are keen to earn credit for their phones.

We sat down and worked out a list of chores together and what each chore could be paid. Each time they complete a chore they add the amount to an ongoing chart so they can see how close they are to earning their top up.

Now I got a bit more cunning with this by adding in two mum clauses. If they do an act of kindness, a chore without being asked or especially good I add an amount to the chart. I also can cross off amounts if they misbehave. No with these two clauses in mind, I also had the foresight to work out a lot of this before we all sat down. I worked out how many times they were likely to do chores, how much they could earn each month so that they would also need to earn a few mum clauses to reach their top up each month.

It would be good to hear some of your parenting tips, they may even help other single mums who may be struggling.

I haven’t seen this so I can’t comment if it’s any good. Just thought It may be of interest to some of you. It has potential though as it is written by Catherine Johnson who scored international acclaim with the hit musical Mamma Mia. Catherine drew on her own experiences as a single mum in housing association lodgings as well as returning to her home town as she set out to challenge some of the perceived notions of young single mums.  She also tackles some of the more serious troubles of being a single mum but with some humour added in.

Dappers is the final show of three openers for potential new series. We will have to wait to see if Dappers is deemed good enough to be awarded its own series.

You can read the BBC blur and schedule of airings at the Dappers BBC page

When my second child came along there was ‘the how to get down the street in a safe and orderly manner’ task to conquer. Baby was easy to contend with. Wrapped up in pram he was safe as my pram driving skills would allow. But now my daughter was foot loose and fancy free. No pushchair for her anymore. I tried the reins approach which lasted all of one trip to town. She got tangled up, I got stressed and the reins were sent to the back of the cupboard. I soon learnt I couldn’t push a pram with one hand and hold her hand and keep us all safe.

The solution was to have a spying session on other mums, how did other mums do it? It materialised that some could indeed push a pram with one hand whilst others took the baby in sling, other child in pushchair approach. I tried this too. Now if you have experienced this you may understand where I come from when I say it makes you walk very unnaturally and not at all straight. After 9 months of a growing bump with growing backache, I was yearning to stand up straight. Having the baby in the sling was like being pregnant again, plus being summer baby got hot, I got hot, baby got hotter….you can see where I am going with this. Sling soon joined the reins at the back of the cupboard.

My only answer was to train my daughter to hold the side of the pram. Easier said than done, so I thought. I had images of something catching her eye and off she would go even if I had explained firmly and nicely that she needed to keep hold of the pram. Indeed this did happen, at the side of the road too. Did I handle the incident with decorum? No. Did I act calmly and explain in best sugar coated words the risk of being flattened by a passing car? Well no. I went into hysterics of the screaming ‘you could have been killed’ kind. There were uncontrollable tears from me and a wobbly bottom lip from her. Solved the problem as she never let go of the pram every again.

This was my first taste of the differences in parenting styles. Tell them as it is verses sugar coated. Tell them as it is seems a bit harsh but is it the right thing? Or should it be more sugar coated. Life isn’t sugar coated though, awful things happen.

As my children are now a lot older sugar coated really doesn’t work, it doesn’t get over the importance of some things. They are about to enter the era of firsts. First offer of alcohol, first offer of a cigarette, first offer of a kiss…… I’ll stop there before I get myself wound up. With the first increasing the importance and danger increase too.

So how do you think children should be warned of dangers? What’s your parenting style? Sugar coated or tells them as it is?

Need help to get walking or want to log how well you’re doing? If you’re in the UK you can claim a free GetWalking Pack. It’s a 12 week plan, logbook and step counter. Free, green and healthy!

Are you an E-on customer? If you are, make sure you get one of the free Energy Starter Packs. It has an energy monitor that is worth £45, a booklet full of tips and a CD with energy monitoring software. See where your electric goes and you could be saving money on your yearly bills.

I was coping with the body deciding to give in to middle age spread. I guess it happens to us all but despite being the healthiest I have ever been, the belt on my jeans has had to go to the next notch up. They say that the youth is wasted on the young and that is very much true. Gone are the days of not caring what you ate or when you ate it. Now I watch what I eat, not excessively to the point I obsess over it, more along the lines of not too much red meat, never touch anything that’s fried and eat more salads and fresh veg then I probably ever did the whole of my life. I walk more, ok I am not at the point of going to the gym or anything else as reckless as actually hard lycra clad exercise, but I am gardening everyday and the school run has been known to be a school walk. This still gets brownie points with the exercise gods as the 1 mile route is one big hill. But where as I would drop a belt notch just watching someone exercise, now I am starting to have to consider further actual physical exercise of some sort, as if I didn’t have anything better to do. I will not be doing lycra though.

I was also coping with the odd brain dead moment too. I seem to have started losing all ability of being able to speak English, despite nearly 40 years of English babble happily falling out of my mouth on command. Take today; instead of saying what was in my head “I don’t have any change on me” it came out as “I only have pound notes”. For heaven’s sake they went out of circulation 26 years ago and yes it really was that long ago, I googled it. My children’s ages and current school year has always been a sticky remembering subject. I have to ask them every time I fill yet another school form in. So I assume the now forgetting their actual name is only to be expected. It also puts me into utter confusion now my daughter has 4 friends with names starting with A. Even I know I am starring gormlessly at the A named friend, desperately trying to remember which one they are.

So now that my brain and middle age spread are in cahoots and happening in unison, I declare it a conspiracy and I know I am dwelling far too much on my age at the moment. But it does hit home when your youngest is moving up to secondary school in September then add in the lovely statement that my daughter had great delight in announcing ‘this is your last few months being in your 30’s’.

Yesterday morning I lugged the heavy shopping back from town. Not a usual occurrence for me but the weather couldn’t make up its mind what it’s going to do. The lovely sunny bbq I planned for the evening was cancelled when I woke up to rain. So off to the supermarket I went to get rain suitable food. No sooner as I have paid for it, lugged it home and packed it away and the sun comes out. Bbq back on, no food though for a bbq. Off to town, as bored with the supermarket, to get more supplies. Now the route back from town is a horrible climb up a long hill, add in heavy shopping bags you can imagine I was not best pleased when the rain started again. At that point I was getting quiet irate and this post was going to be more of a rant then it is but I have had the wind knocked out of my sails by my daughter.

I returned home to find the hoover upstairs, switched on and my daughter actually using it. Furthermore she had hovered downstairs first. I should be pleased, I should be proud of the kind considerate daughter I have raised. I am but I am more worried what it’s going to cost me as that much housework means she must want something

So I accept this is all happening but what I am not prepared for or expected was the rollercoaster of ages it seems to be taking me, the so called adult, through with it. I mean I am supposed to be the one who can string two words together and walk in high heels and occasionally at the same time. So why am I swinging from old age to teenager at a moment’s notice? I have pangs of jealously at their younger fitter bodies. This was amplified when in a recent post clothes washing sort, I mixed up my daughter’s jeans with mine. She thought she had lost weight and skipped around the room and I was a crumpled heap on the floor trying to get into jeans that were no way going to budge above my thighs wondering how on earth I had put on so much weight over night.

My growing children don’t actually help matters either. They roll their eyes and mutter to me to grow up and then moments later complain that I am too old and just not with it.

I guess all there is to do, is to help and guide them through their ever changing hormones, hoping my hormones are adult enough to sort themselves out.

How do you let your kids indulge in their creative side without them wrecking your house? Around 1/3 of all home insurance claims for accidental damage is the result of a child knocking over a TV, using your new cream wallpaper as a blank canvas, or tearing a hole in your new leather corner sofa. Many parents don’t realise that your home insurancemay cover you for any damage similar to that listed above, so before shelling out for any damage the little tinkers have done it might be a good idea to call your insurance provider and see where you stand.

To make sure you are covered for such damage, make sure you read all of the small print on your policy before you commit to it. You may have to extend your accidental damage cover to make sure that the items that you want to be protected are covered, so you won’t be left short in the case of an accident. Remember that most policies will not cover clothing- so keep your designer shoes and handbags somewhere out of reach of children! Other items which may not be covered are portable electrical items such as mobile phones, laptops and mp3 players. You may need extra cover for these items, so always check with your insurer. Unfortunately, most policies do not cover damage done by your pets, so it’s a good idea not to let your pooch, kitten or hamster have access to any expensive furniture or goods.

To make sure that the kids don’t damage your home, try to think of some indoor activities that won’t make such a mess. For example, replace all felt-tip pens and marker pens with crayons- if you’re child does accidentally stray away from their colouring book, crayon wax is easily removed from hard surfaces and textiles. Only allow painting (with water-colours) under adult supervision, and to avoid knocks and spills perhaps use safety gates to prevent them getting to expensive equipment.

If your child does cause a household accident and you need to replace something, take a look at our vouchers page for printable vouchersor voucher codes for a number of DIY and furniture stores, such as B&Q, Ikea and Argos.

They are filming a question and answer debate to discuss issues relating to debt, pay, how banks work, the credit crunch and money matters. It will be a more update version of Question Time with Robert Peston ( BBC Business Correspondent ) hosing the show with a guest. They are looking for people to be part of the audience to raise issues and ask questions about anything money related. Ideally they will be aged between 18 and 32 years old and would be free to go to the BBC Television Centre at 17:30 on Thursday 27^th May.

If you are interested get in touch and I will forward your details.

On Monday 10th May, Lancashire Telegraph reported on how a single mum who had been battling depression is to set up a charity to help support struggling families.

Elaine, a self-employed holistic and beauty therapist, said she wants the group to be a network of families supporting families, rather than specialists and experts offering advice.

And she said that the vital part of her group will be that no-one will be turned away.

She said: “There are quite a few support oraganisations out there but for almost all of them you must meet strict criteria for help.

“I am setting up a network of people who can offer help because of their life experience.”

You can read the full story over at the Lancashire Telegraph.

I also guess that the articles are written in such a way that they are intending to wind the readers up as it gets response and comments on their articles. But the problem it is creating is if all they can write about is how bad single mums are and how all they do is scrounge off the government by not working and receiving benefits, it just continues to paint all single mums with the same brush. We are not all the same.

So for the record and any one searching for info about single mums to add to their articles about how awful single mums are…..

We don’t all wear designer jogging bottoms, hair extensions and false nails – though we may be known for doing the school run in pyjama bottoms but this purely down to time or rather a lack of it.

We don’t all think we are better off not working and better off raking in the benefits – yes there is a benefits system, yes a lot of us will claim these benefits but it’s not thousands as reported all the time. Majority of us work just like anyone else. There also many 2.4 families with both parents working that are also entitled to some benefits, it’s not just single mums who claim benefits.

Some single mums have lost their partners/husbands through tragic circumstances or through no fault of their own.

We are not just single mums. We are many other things too.

Those hours between putting the kids to bed and putting yourself to bed can be very lonely ones – it’s typical ‘grass is greener’ territory. When you’re part of a couple you often crave an evening to yourself, then suddenly you have every evening alone, and it doesn’t feel fun anymore.

It’s times like these that a bit of positive thinking can work wonders. As easy as it is to become melancholy, so it also is relatively simple to turn things on their head. Imagine your life as a product, do some PR on yourself – you’ll be amazed at the positive spin you can put on even the dreariest of circumstances.

Last weekend for instance, I came home from a night out and got into my empty bed just after midnight. Maybe it was the three G&Ts I’d consumed in the last two hours, or maybe it was something bigger, but I found myself wishing I had someone to share my bed with. I let my thoughts wander to imagining having someone to curl up into, someone to give my bed that lovely man smell.

And then I caught myself.

Yes I was alone, but actually wasn’t that great? No duvet hogging, no snoring, no man smells of the less savoury variety. I know, I know, this may seem like clutching at straws, and I hope that one day true love will blind me to these minor irritations, but in the meantime I’m going to focus on the silver linings, no matter how big the clouds.

You can read more from Jo on her popular blog – Slummy Single Mummy

Being a single mum you get a special department to deal with it all as they are supposed to be geared up for single parents – Lone Parent Advisors. I saw supposed to be as I wouldn’t really call it geared up. They can do lots of what if calculations and can talk through what is your best situation but when I talked about the changed to free school meal entitlement that will be changing in some parts in September they knew nothing about it. At the moment you can’t be in receipt of Tax Credits to qualify for free school meals and when you have two bottomless pits to feed the £20 a week, that it is worth to me, does get counted on. In September and February this is changing so check with your local school meals office to see if it might affect you.

One other thing that was alarming to say the least with the ‘Lone Parent Advisor’ set up is how much information they got wrong. To help they do an electronic service where they notify all the relevant offices that you have changed your details. For me this was tax credits and housing benefit. I thought it would save me lots of phone calls and providing proof. I was wrong. Yes the information was sent to all the correct places but some of the information was incorrect. This has a knock on effect and was slightly worrying when the rent was due to go out. I was suddenly faced with not being able to pay my rent only because they received the wrong information and had to recalculate it all and whilst the computers where doing there calculation they couldn’t tell me what was actually going to be paid and when.

I only found out they had the wrong information because I rang all the departments to check they had received all the information. Never using the job centres tell them all service I wasn’t convinced it would work. When you’re in the situation that every penny is counted for, this sort of error can be stressful to say the least.

So my advice when dealing with anything benefit related is check and check again. Don’t worry your becoming a nuisance by calling every day. If I hadn’t if called I would be explain to my landlord why his rent wasn’t paid.

Whether it’s a discount on a great family restaurant, or money off some of the UK’s leading theme parks, moneysupermarket aims to help you reduce the cost of having a fun day out this summer…
Chessington World of Adventures vouchers- This is a great day out for children of all ages and easy to get to from London as it is situated just 12 miles away from the capital. ‘Wild Asia,’ the new attraction takes you on an adventure through the ancient Asia ruins where you can have a go on a brand new ride. The 2 for 1 deal on tickets for Chesington is available now.
Camelot vouchers – Camelot is a Medieval themed park which is a fantastic day out for the whole family. As well as a range of rollercoaster’s, there are also frequent jousting tournaments and Merlin’s Magic show to enjoy throughout the day. Our current offer is an exclusive two-for-one offer on admission, so make sure you take full advantage of this offer while it lasts.
Wookey Hole Caves vouchers – Take advantage of this voucher in order to save money on the entry fee to Wookey Hole Caves, in Somerset. Even if the weather outside this is somewhere that you can still have fun. Not only is Wookey Hole home to Britain’s most spectacular caves but it also has a 19th Century Paper Mill, penny museum and many more fun things for children to do.

Blackpool Pleasure Beach vouchers – Why not visit Blackpool pleasure beach this summer? With a 3 for 2 on ride wristbands you could make a considerable saving on a day at the fair. This offer is only available through online booking and is valid until the end of June, making it ideal to use on a fun filled weekend away.

Sandcastle Water park vouchers – While you’re in Blackpool enjoying our 3 for 2 offer on wristbands, why not cool down with a visit to the Sandcastle. This water park has over 18 slides and fun pools, as well as a wave machine and a wide range of burger bars and eateries. They’re currently offering 25% off admission, so now is the best time to visit.

It could be a result to my children hitting the teens, growing up and having social lives that they sort themselves. I no longer have to accompany them to children parties as these have made way to sleep over’s or trips with friends to the cinema, all without me. I get time to myself – which is a strange experience and taking a lot to get use to. I get to do the supermarket shop in peace though have very worryingly come home with not one but two gardening magazines today. Trips town are a solitary experience. They will if they have to, or want money, walk into town with me but as soon as we reach people I find myself talking to myself as my children vanish. I no longer have to watch endless episodes of the latest children programmes and then hum the silly tune all day as it gets stuck in my brain.  Where I use to get excited about an evening out, I now get close to hyperventilating at the thought of using a new rotary washing line.

They talk about empty nest syndrome that women commonly feel after their children have grown up and left the home so maybe I am experiencing pre-empty nest syndrome. I have had over 13 years of children, feeding them, encouraging them and helping them grow so I could be filling my life with seeds that need looking after to grow to compensate my children growing up. Life is slowly changing again as i shift into new situations and experiences and its slightly scary.

So what can it say about me when I recently found that, for several months, I have been carrying around masking tape in my bag. In my defence I have one of those slouchy, can carry loads sort of bag so it’s no wonder it has gone un-noticed for so long. But masking tape? Now I am not a painter or vaguely DIY mad in the slightest so how or why masking tape has got in there is a bit of a mystery. When there is any major work that needs doing such as decorating the house, it is always better to employ skilled painters and decorators. Maybe not for small jobs, but for the bigger ones. I am just a normal single mum with a teenage daughter and a very active son. Maybe it is in there for emergencies, it could be a subconscious thing, like carrying an emergency tool kit. Could be used to keep my son still if use with a lamppost. I must stress it would be a last resort.

Now the saddest thing is that now that I have taken the offending roll of masking tape out of my bag I permanently feel like I am leaving the house forgetting something. So I have returned the masking tape back to the safety of my bag till I remember why I actually carry it around in the first place.

What is the strangest thing you carry round with you?

Most of us welcome the arrival of Easter weekend as the majority of workers get a nice long weekend off work, which we use to see family, eat lots of chocolate and relax. But for those with children, Easter means something completely different. Half term means that the kid’s get two weeks off from school, meaning that the parents and grandparents are faced with the problem of keeping the little ones busy and entertained until they return to school.

With the recession still looming over the country, more of us are trying to be more frugal and are trying to save for a rainy day. More to the point, inflation means that we’re paying an increasing amount for goods and services than we ever have before. So finding activities for you and your children to enjoy-without breaking the bank- is extremely difficult.

Take note of the top 5 vouchers for days out at Easter from moneysupermarket…

1. Shakespeare’s Globe vouchers – Get 20% off your visit to the Globe. Educate your little ones about arguably the most talented playwright of all time. The Globe was built in 1599, but then burned down in 1613 during a performance of Henry VIII. This is a fantastic day out for adults and children in the London area, and can really bring Shakespeare’s plays to life having seen where they were originally performed.
2. Pizza Express vouchers - Why not treat the kids to their favourite pizza, as well as a night out at the cinema. Pizza Express is offering 2 for 1 on pizza and a trip to the cinema by using the printable voucher. They’ll even throw in a free starter as well! So choose a family friendly film and enjoy the whole night out for half the price.
3. The National Seal Sanctuary vouchers - Get 20% off entry to the National Seal Sanctuary in Cornwall. The kids will love the opportunity to see the 40 acres of land dedicated to seals and sea lions. You can watch staff hand feed the seal pups, and have the chance to become a rescue volunteer yourself!
4. The Edinburgh Dungeon vouchers – For those who live in Scotland, or close by, why not take a day out with the family to Edinburgh Dungeon. Here you will find real actors, spooky rides and special effects which all convey the dark side of Edinburgh’s past. This will be an exciting and educational day out, again with 20% off for up to 6 people. We also have offers for York and London dungeons as well.
5. Legoland vouchers- Legoland is offering all of their visitors 5% off entrance price this Easter. The kids will love this colourful and fun theme park, where everything is made from the childhood favourite toy. Look out on our site for more Legoland offers, including short breaks at the famous Legoland resort.

The links in this article are not affiliated in any way. ( which means I don’t make any money by you clicking the links so click away)

The day-in-the-life feature has Thurman as a mother of two prepping for her daughter’s sixth birthday party as myriad urban challenges confront her, while simultaneously trying to kickstart her writing career again.

Motherhood is being distributed by Metrodome Distribution in the UK and will be released in cinemas on Mother’s Day 2010. You can visit the film’s official site here.

As a self employed single mum, my time always feels stretched to the max – kids, school, work, home – something just has to give, and that something is normally my standards of cleanliness. Being anything other than a domestic goddess is something we are all being made to feel guilty about, so I thought I would offer some crumbs of comfort by revealing my secret slummy habits, the corners I cut to keep myself sane.

I love reading other people’s confessions. There is something fascinating and comforting about reading other people secrets – the blog equivalent of reading Heat magazine. Just when you are feeling inadequate and lonely, you read that other women feel the same, that even celebrities sometimes go out with chipped nail varnish, and suddenly the world feels like a better place.

Today I want to focus on housework. I know… GROAN…. who enjoys housework? Well not me. Of all the responsibilities in my life – being a single parent, holding down a variety of jobs, not to mention a nice selection of voluntary roles, housework really is my lowest priority. In fact, I suspect I became a school governor just as an excuse not to clean the toilet. So when my juggling gets tricky, the first ball to crash to the floor is always the cleaning one.

There are some forms of household chores I enjoy. Arranging my books in colour order for instance is always a pleasant way to pass an afternoon, especially if I have a particularly pressing deadline that I am trying to avoid. I’m not sure that tasks like sorting my make-up into pretty boxes really count as housework though…

So if you are looking to save time and effort around the house, here are my top five tips. Those with a fetish for cleanliness or who are easily disturbed should switch back to facebook now:

1. Crumbs – they get everywhere don’t they? My house is always full of bits. Sometimes I feel motivated enough to pick some of them off the floor (I don’t have a Hoover) but then what to do with them? The kitchen is too far away, I have yet to install a bin in the living room. So when you’re pressed for time, throw your crumbs behind the sofa.

2. Children’s toys – again, they get everywhere. And Belle gets as much fun out of a toilet roll or a piece of cling film as anything else. When the toys threaten to overwhelm you and you can’t be bothered fighting to get the kids to tidy them up, just collect them all up off the floor in a black bag and take them to Oxfam. It will make them appreciate what they have left. Honest.

3. Dishes – now we know I sometimes hide them, but this is obviously only a temporary solution. My least favourite dishes are the ones my teen brings down at intervals from her bedroom – cereal bowls encrusted with fossilised coco-pops, mugs stiff with mould. What to do? Just put them in the bin. Really. Out of sight and all that…

4. Baths – yuk yuk yuk. I particularly dislike cleaning that involves getting my hands wet. If you can’t face all that bending and stretching but need to scrub the tub, children’s bath time are ideal. While they are in the bath just give them some soap and a cloth and get them to clean the tiles and other surfaces. You might want to give them a rinse down afterwards to get rid of scum (the child, not the tiles), but this is much simpler than cleaning the whole bath.

5. Beds – sick of changing sheets? Ditch your partner. Become single and suddenly the need to change your sheets more than a few times a year goes out the window. Tada!

So that’s it. Slummy Mummy’s guide to housework. Some valuable advice there I’m sure you’ll agree. Do share your own time-saving tips!

Read more words of wisdom at Slummy Single Mummy’s parenting blog.

To highlight this and get the general public’s views, the radio show 5 Live ran a phone in today on the subject. You can listen to the show if you missed it and read some of the comments left by viewers.

You can register your support over at Gingerbread and read more about how its trying to change peoples views of us.

As ever it’s a controversial subject and one that gets me heated under the collar so no doubt you have a view on it all.  For me it’s not the shear hard work single parenting can be or the lack of support (despite the government saying there is support) or the financial side of it all that makes me boil. It’s the attitude of others towards me as a single parent. It’s the painting us all with the same brush I detest. So as well as all the others things that a single parent has to do, I also feel that I almost have to prove myself on daily bases too.

So let’s get the ball rolling on confessions and hear your comments.

• Tops
• Umbrellas 
• Bags
• Aprons
• T-shirts all with slogans.

Let the world know you confessed at confessions of a single mum or that you are a yummy mummy.You can even get creative and design your own.

The full story can be read here.

There is also a Facebook page, the family website and a petition available.

The effects on saving on electricity are not only green but saves money too but if you’re on water meter, wasted water is not just wasted water but money down the drain too.

So here I have pulled together some of being a bit greener and saving money along the way.

Change your light bulbs – Only 10 percent of the input power in a traditional light bulb is converted into light. The rest is lost in heat. Lighting a LED bulb is more efficient as I can convert 50 per cent of input energy into light.

Use a clothes line – Reduce tumble dryer use with an indoor drying rack or an outside clothes line. Natural drying is better for your clothes, cheaper and doesn’t waste energy.

Take your shoes off – leaving your shoes at the door will cut levels of lead dust in your home by 60per cent. This is due to almost all the lead dust inside our homes comes from contaminated outdoor soil.

Consider CFL Light bulbs – those funny swirly looking light bulbs may cost more in the first place but they use a quarter of the electricity and last for years. But remember to recycle as they contain small amounts of mercury.

Reuse containers – instead of paying for kitchen storage boxes, reuse old packaging like ice cream containers and such like. Also try and reuse plastic bags as 3 billion kilograms of the stuff enter the waste stream each year.

Don’t replace, use it up – Its greener to use up what you have first then replacing everything and throwing goods away even if they aren’t eco-friendly.

Use less paper – we go through 900 million trees a year to keep us in paper. Use both sides of the paper. Don’t print out emails unless vital and try to recycle as much paper products and packaging as possible.

Use a microwave to cook – a microwave is faster and more efficient and will reduce your energy usage by about 75 per cent.

Dim the lights. Dimming your lights by 25 or 50 per cent with a dimmer switch will save about the same amount in energy.

Put your heating on a timer – No one needs the heat on at night. Set a timer to switch the heating off at bedtime and on again in the morning. It would also save 25 per cent of your heating costs and even more in terms of energy.

Don’t buy bottles of water – instead buy a water filter instead of all those plastic bottles.

Get a home energy audit – Most utility providers will do one for free. You will then know how green you are or aren’t.

Recycle all your drink cans – the energy saved by recycling one can could run a television for three hours.

Don’t charge your mobile phone overnight- most phones only take an hour to charge. So charging it all night is drawing wasted energy.

Switch your DVD off standby- Eighty-five per cent of energy used by a DVD player is wasted when it’s on standby.

Use rechargeable batteries – Six hundred million batteries are used in the UK alone every year – most end up as toxic components of landfill.

Reuse plastic bags – we use over 500 billion plastic bags every year (that’s a million a minute) It will take over a millennium for these to degrade.

Open your windows – by airing your house when it’s chilly outside you will get rid of some of those VOC’s. Turning off the air conditioning will not only save energy but money too.

 Only use your washing machine when it is full. With 90 per cent of households having a washing machine and using 50 – 120 litres a cycle it’s a lot of water used. You can save water by only switch it on when you have a full load. By using a 30 degree wash setting it will save energy but will also get your clothes just as a clean as a 40 degree wash. When your machine does give up the ghost then replace it with an energy saving model that allows you to run shorter cycles. There is always the washboard and mangle but I wouldn’t expect any mum to resort to that.

When you’re brushing your teeth turn the tap off. It doesn’t need to run the whole time and your literally throwing away 8,100 litres a year.

Showers are famously quicker and use less water than baths. Showers use 35 litres where as a bath uses 80 litres. Power showers though use about 80 litres. 

Flush less often. Obviously flush what needs to be flushed but the average house flushes 50 litres of water down the toilet every day. Next time you only blow your nose then flush the tissue down the toilet, think before you flush it.

Collect rainwater. We get enough of it that if you only used the collected water for plants and the garden at least you have saved some. You only need a water butt in your garden to collect water from the down pipe.

Think before tip. The half filled glasses of water you tip down the sink every day could be saved in the fridge for later or used for watering the plants.

If you regularly run the tap to get cold water for drinks, fill a jug and put it in the fridge.

Turn your thermostat down on your hot water. Does it really have to be that hot? Turning the thermostat down will save energy and if you don’t spend so long in a hot steamy shower you have saved water too.

• How many children you have living with you
• Whether you work and how many hours you work.
• If you pay for childcare
• If you or any child living with you has a disability
• If your ages 50 plus and are coming off benefits

Your payments will also depend on your income, the lower your income the more tax credit you could get.

Tax and child credits do get a bit confusing in the way they work. They work by basing your payments on your current circumstances and your income from the previous tax year. A tax year runs from 5 April to the following 5 April.

Each April, May and June the tax Credit office will write to you and ask you to:

• Check the information they have on your personal circumstances
• Confirm the income you received in the year that has just ended
• Renew your claim.

Whilst this checking process is happening, the payments they pay you from 6 April until you have renewed your claim are provisional payments. After they have calculated the correct payment it works out that they have paid you too much you may be asked to pay them back. They will normally do this by adjusting your payments after the renewal. The same applies if they haven’t paid you enough.

The best way to avoid nasty surprises is to notify them of any change of circumstances as they happen.

Take this evening as a typical example with nothing major on the agenda, just tea and homework to work through. My daughter does her homework before I have even asked if she has any. A dream for most parents, but I don’t get away with it that easily. My son, on the other hand, is a nightmare. He forgets he has homework until 2 minutes before bed and that’s if he has remembered to bring it home. The mere phrase of ‘I have homework’ coming from him sends me into nervous twitches. My stomach tightens into knots as I check to see how well we did on the last homework. Yes I know it’s his homework but when a child is struggling we, as parents, have to step in at some point and explain things unless were quiet happy to have a wailing child complaining they can’t even add 2 and 2  in sobs of tears. Apparently this is common and boys nearly always struggle with homework whilst girls breeze through it. It doesn’t ease the nightly misery though. At the start of the homework I am fairly confident in adding 5 and 5 and how to spell this and that. ( quite literally ) by the end of the homework even I struggle to count unless I am using my fingers and spelling any word more than three letters is just brain suicide.

On the flip side evening meals, although another bone of contention, this time it’s my daughters turn to turn me into a nervous wreck. My son will eat anything and everything you place in front of him. No poking it with his fork and asking what it is with his nose turned up. No asking what animal is it or if it’s organic. My daughter requests a small amount before the serving spoon has touched it, as she pears at it like I have just served up the latest recipe incorporating arsenic. A knife is far too cool to use and just on the table for decoration, silly me. She then very kindly points out all the bits she doesn’t like, which I have decided is relative to the day of the week. Mushrooms seem to be ok on a Monday but by Friday they are just gross. If it’s not enough that it’s just me doing the shopping , dragging it back from the shop, putting it all away and not forgetting thinking up a new meal every night and cooking it, woe is me if I repeat a meal more than once in the same century. She wails she is so bored of it despite only having eaten the offending meal twice in her life.

Of course were not finished yet as we’ve not touched on the matter of the dishwasher. I grew up having to wash up the whole families dishes so I positively delight in just putting it all into a magic machine that washes it all for me. My children though take a dishwasher, of the mechanical variety, for granted. For them it seems very difficult to comprehend the process of putting their plate into the dishwasher without being asked every night.

These things are sent to try us I know and my only way of getting through these times is thinking up ways for revenge. I have one potential revenge situation on place which, if I am crafty enough, will see me through a few more months. My daughter is now is the ‘bra wearing’ stage and of course I have to buy them, which means she has to be in the shop with me. So if you see a fairly insane looking woman complete with red faced young teenager in tow, don’t laugh its revenge, I did mention the newly bought bra would be on my head didn’t I?

Child maintenance is regular, reliable financial support which helps towards a child’s everyday living costs. The parent who does not have main day-to-day care of the child provides child maintenance to the parent who does.

There are three ways you can arrange to pay or receive child maintenance:

1). through a private arrangement

2). through the statutory system, provided by the Child Support Agency (CSA)

3). through a court order

Child Maintenance Options

A good place to get information about your maintenance choices is from the Child Maintenance Options service. It is a government-funded online and telephone service which gives parents information and support about child maintenance so that they can decide for themselves which arrangement best suits their circumstances.

The Options service is free and confidential. It is separate from the Child Support Agency and completely impartial.

The website is simple to use and can signpost you to practical support for any other issues you may face as a single mum such as housing and benefits. You can visit www.cmoptions.org or call the free helpline number 0800 988 0988 and speak to a specialist. Lines are open from 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday and 9am to 4pm Saturday.

Option 1 – Private Arrangement

Separated and separating parents can set up a private arrangement to sort out child maintenance, without using the courts or the CSA. There are lots of benefits to having a private arrangement:

• It can be quick and easy to set up
• There’s little paperwork to do
• It could help keep things friendly between you and the other parent
• There are no set rules so you can be more flexible. For example:

- You can agree between yourselves on how much payments should be and when they should be made.
- If either parent’s circumstances change your arrangement can change straight away if you both agree to it.
- You could agree to offer or receive financial support in kind; for example the parent with the main day to day care could pay for clothes, music lessons or school trips.

However, a private arrangement is not legally binding and therefore parents will have to rely on each other to stick to the agreed terms as well as be honest about any change in circumstances.

Option 2 – CSA Arrangement

If you feel a private arrangement wouldn’t work in your situation, the government’s statutory child maintenance service, currently run by the Child Support Agency, can collect child maintenance for you.

It can do the following:

• Try to trace the other parent if their address is unknown
• Collect and enforce payments
• Allow you to avoid any contact with the other parent

Either parent can make an application to the CSA. The CSA isn’t as flexible as a private arrangement. If circumstances change it can take a while for the payments to be adjusted.

The CSA also offers ‘Maintenance Direct’, which is where child maintenance is calculated by the CSA but not collected. The parent without the main day-to-day care makes payments directly to the other parent. Maintenance Direct allows parents to be more flexible; you can agree between yourselves how and when money is paid and the amounts can be varied if circumstances change. The CSA is still available if a new calculation needs to be made or to step in if the non-resident parent doesn’t make the payments that are due.

You can get an idea of how much child maintenance you might pay or receive through the CSA by using this link https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

Option 3 – Consent Order

An alternative way of sorting out child maintenance is through the courts, but this varies depending on where you live.

Consent order (in England and Wales)

This is an official ruling made by a court. It is normally used when parents are deciding a divorce settlement or sharing assets. Both parents normally have to work with solicitors to agree the amount of child maintenance to be paid. They then apply to the court to turn the agreement into a consent order.

A consent order means the court can enforce payment if the parent without main day-to-day care of the child fails to pay. However, getting a consent order can be expensive. Legal aid won’t cover these costs if you are only going to court to get a consent order for child maintenance.

Minute of agreement (in Scotland)

If you live in Scotland, a child maintenance arrangement can be made into a legally binding contract called a ‘minute of agreement’. The sheriff officer can collect and enforce payments if the parent without main day-to-day care of the child breaks the agreement.

For more information it is best to call the Options service or visit the website.

You need to be:

• Bringing up children on your own
• Starting work of at least 16 hours per week
• Expect the work to last 5 weeks or more

You must also have been getting Income Support or Jobseeker’s Allowance (or a combination of these benefits) for at least 52 weeks or more without a break.

If you’re entitled to In Work Credit you need to claim it before you start work.

• Jobseeker’s Allowance
• Income Support
• Employment and Support Allowance
• Incapacity Benefit
• Severe Disablement Allowance
• Jobcentre Plus / New Deal Allowance
• Employment Zone payments

The amount available is £250 for lone parents (£100 for single people without children). There is no need to claim this grant as you automatically receive it if you are eligible. You just need to inform your local Jobcentre Plus Office that you are starting work and i is paid the same way as you were paid benefits.

As Job Grant is tax free it won’t reduce other benefits or tax credits that you may be entitled to once you start work.

If you qualify for the Job Grant you will also be eligible for Extended Council Tax Credits and Extended Housing Benefit.

The only way to claim this benefit is to fill in a Child Benefit claim form and send it to the Child Benefit Office along with your child’s birth or adoption certificate. It cannot be claimed over the phone or via the internet. The claim form is supplied with the Bounty Pack that’s given to new mothers in hospital or is available to print off online. (You will still need to send the completed for to the Child Benefit Office)

You get a higher rate for your eldest child or only child, then a lower rate for additional children.

Current rates until April 2010 are:

• Eldest or only child £20.00 weekly
• Additional children £13.20 weekly

April 2010-02-06 :

• Eldest or only child £20.30 weekly
• Additional children £13.40 weekly

There is normally a small increase each April but letters are sent out before hand to notify you.

Child Benefit can be paid direct into a bank account every 4 weeks, you can request for it to be paid weekly if you are on income support, income-based jobseekers allowance, income related employment and support allowances or if you are a single parent.

Claiming child benefit can also protect your State Pension entitlement. You can read more about this at the Direct Gov web site.

You won’t be able to claim though if you:

• Have savings over £16,000
• You live in a home of a close relative
• You’re a full time student unless you are disabled or have children

If you rent your property from a private landlord, your Housing Benefit will be calculated with the Local Housing Allowance rules.  

If you live in council accommodation or other social housing, the most Housing Benefit you can get is the same as your ‘eligible‘rent. (Eligible rent includes rent for the accommodation, charges for some services like lifts, communal laundry etc. Even if water charges, heating, hot water and lighting are included in your rent you won’t get housing benefit on these elements)

How much you get depends on:

• Money coming in
• Your savings
• Your circumstances: age, size of family and their ages, disablement.
• The amount of rent is reasonable for your home and the area you live
• The home is reasonable size for your family

If you are a council tenant, housing benefit will be paid direct to your rent account.

If you’re not a council tenant it is paid to you by cheque or direct into your bank account every 4 weeks.

Council Tax benefit is taken directly off your council tax bill. Once its worked out and applied you then receive a revised bill.

Housing benefit doesn’t affect any other benefits you get.

If you know you are about to move, you can claim up to 13 weeks before you move. This doesn’t necessarily mean you will get any money before you move in, it just organises everything beforehand.

You can get a Sure Start Maternity Grant if you receive any of the following:

• Income Support
• Income based Jobseeker’s Allowance
• Income related Employment and Support Allowance
• Pension Credit
• Child Tax Credit at a rate higher than the family element
• Working Tax Credit where a disability or severe disability element is included in the award

And if the following applies to you:

• You are pregnant and expecting a baby within 11 weeks or have given birth within the last three months.

There are also other situations like adoption, residence order and surrogates taken into account. See Direct Gov for more details. 

There is a time limit as to when you apply for the grant, from 29^th week of your pregnancy until your child is 3 months old.

As I manage to get these relating sections written I will post them up. In the meantime if you have any tips or advice on various benefits from your experinces that would help other single mums ( Sadly hoping on one leg and whistling a tune doesn’t work in getting answers from benefit departments faster– I did try) please drop me a line so they can be included.

• You may be able to get Income Support if you are aged 16 to 59 and any of the following apply:
• You are a lone parent ( from 26 October 2009 with a child under 10, from 25 October 2010 with a child under 7 living with them)
• You are registered as sick or disabled
• You are caring for someone who is sick or elderly
• You are pregnant and your baby is due in the next 11 weeks or you have given birth in the last 15 weeks.

You also:

• Don’t have savings of more that £16,000
• You’re not working or working less than 16 hours a week.
• There are further restrictions if you have a partner – please check these out with the Jobcentre.

How much you receive depends on your circumstances like your living arrangements, how many children you have and how much in savings you have. Just as a guide the personal allowances from 6 April 2009 for lone parents are £50.95 for under 18, £64.30 for lone parents aged 18 and over. As each person’s situation is different this is only a guide.

Its paid fortnightly into your bank, building society, post office or national savings account that accepts direct payment. They will arrange a cheque  that is cashable at a Post Office if you are unable to open or manage an account.

You can claim Income Support online.

If you are on Income Support you automatically qualify for the :

• Free dental care
• Free prescriptions
• Free school meals ( you have to apply by filling in a form)
• Housing Benefit/Council tax benefit

As it’s a voluntary programme, it is your choice as to whether or not you take part.

Although I personally haven’t tried New Deal for Lone Parents, I do know it has been a great help to some single parents. It has built their confidence up and helped them through the process of getting back to work.

Contact your local Jobcentre Plus for more details.

The basics of my situation – I want to become a web site designer. I have been making small websites for myself and friends for long enough to realise it’s my passion. Website design and SEO have been my hobby for many years, so with lots of research and thinking I have decided to take it to the next level. I have always followed the strict regime outlined by the benefit system but in doing so my paying customer number is down there on the nonexistent level.

At nearly 40 I am too old for the New Business schemes that are out there.

Also when I was made redundant I was put on income support automatically as I have two children. Now if I had been put on Job Seekers allowance then the step into self employment would be rewarded with a Self Employment Credit of £50 a week for 16 weeks which is a total of £800

Now if I stay on income support for another 6 months and then launch into being self employed after a full year of income support then I would qualify for In Work Credit. This is £40 a week for 52 weeks, a grand total of £2080.

In the grand scheme of things if I was sure I would be working over 30 hours a week and had lots of customers lined up then yes I would be hugely better off. But in starting up the business the early days are the days that the help is needed when customer numbers are low. It’s not like flicking a light switch and hey presto working lots of hours lots of customers.

So I have no option but to start gradually and inform the relative benefit sections of my increase in hours and income. This also cancels out the entitlement of the above schemes. I think this post could be now called I am about to launch a business on nothing.

Now don’t get me wrong I know it will be a lot of hard work to start up – it wouldn’t be rewarding if it was easy. I am not looking for an easy route. It’s just sad that out of all the help that is out there I don’t fit into any of the categories.

Please – if there any any self employed single mums out there get in touch and share your experiences.

 When I was young it was installed into me on a daily bases that manners don’t cost anything but are priceless when used. It’s not just the please and thank yous in the right places but the courteous things too. Now it might be me just getting old and turning into my mother, but it is really starting to rial me. When children are very young we diligently taught them to say please and thank you and then looked on all proud when they manage to mutter it at the appropriate times to other people. But recent trips into town first made me angry and then stop and question if I have actually taught my children enough manners.

I feel the need to have my view and I will also be quizzing my teenager as to how she acts in these situations.

Younger drivers don’t realise when it isn’t their right of way and someone else is being kind and letting them through then it is generally a good thing to express some kind of thanks. I’m not expecting them to jump out the car and produce a bunch of flowers to say thank you but a small acknowledgment; even a small nod would be nice. Contrary to your belief you don’t own the whole road and when it is my right of way I am actually doing a nice thing for you.

Pavements have been designed to accommodate more than one person. Some boffins somewhere probably analysed this to death to come up with precise measurement they need to be to take two passing adults comfortably. If it is safe I have been known to step into the road so that passing teenagers don’t lose a vital piece of conversation but please do I have to do it every time or get glared at when I decide today isn’t the day I want to chance it with the passing lorry.

Shop assistants are there to assist, it may be earth shattering news and I don’t mean to tar every shop assistant with the same brush. I don’t expect personal shopper service but please do you have to look so bored to death even if you are.  When I was young and a shop assistant I had the manager from hell, or so I thought. But she really was just teaching me something that isn’t taught today. She taught me not to interrupt, not to lean or slouch and to give the customer your attention not highlights from the previous night out. I have found it to be getting better but it I think this is because I am getting picky and won’t go into shops where the assistants are younger than me. Sadly this one is on a time limit for me; I am fast running out of shops.

 Is it just me ? Am I just being old?

There is in the UK, a British PLC called the Utility Warehouse Discount Club.  This company is a member of the FTSE 250 and trades under the name of Telecom Plus PLC.  As well as receiving many business accolades from such magazines as European Business Magazine, Investor’s Chronicle and being given the prestigious title of the number 1 UK PLC of the year in March 2009, this company also has received much credibility from independent consumer magazines such as Which? And in a consumer survey, it was reported that 94% of its customers would recommend the services to a friend.

So, just how does this work?  Well there are 3 easy steps.  The first being that The utility Warehouse Discount club is  a word of mouth marketing company so doesn’t pay for advertising costs of any sort.  It relies on its network of customers and distributors to promote its products and services and passes on the savings made to its customers and distributors.  you have one single, simple monthly bill for your gas, electricity, broadband and telephony and no minimum contract for most of the services.  The department of trade and industry have said that switching to the Utility Warehouse Discount club can save you somewhere in the region of £800 per year and that’s without employing the two other methods by which you can shrink your bills to nothing if you so wish.

The second method is simply to use the cash back card.  This card is a master card but not a credit card so you top up and then go and spend.  By spending on your food, clothes, baby goods, sporting goods, etc,

You can reduce your bill by around £30 per month.  Every time you spend, you reduce your bill by 5%.  That’s a good saving by anyone’s standard.

The third and final way is to recommend these services to your friends and family.  By recommending just 10 people you could potentially save yourself 20% for as long as your friends and family remain customers.  There are some people in this country who have shrank their bills so much that the Utility Warehouse Discount club has to pay them.  How fantastic is that?  As single mums we owe it to ourselves to save money but it’s also important to have good service so isn’t it worth taking a look at this?  What could a yearly saving shown above allow you to do?  Go on holiday perhaps?  Just do extra little things with the kids you couldn’t afford to do?

If you think you’d like to take a look then here is the MiniBills site.

I would like to thank Kairen for letting me share my expertise with you on a monthly basis. If there is a topic that you would like me to cover in my articles, please feel free to forward your suggestions to me via my website.

This month we will examine the need to change our life, our daily routine, decisions, or anything we choose to change. From time to time it is essential to re-examine our lives. You may consider it as an update of where you are, why you are there and where you want to be.

Change is whatever it is you want. You may want to change endless struggles for money into prosperity, you may want to be somebody and do something great, you may want to have a man in your life or even want to take a holiday overseas rather than butlins.

How can you change? You change yourself first. Change the way you think and your attitude to life. I can show you the way but it depends on you to take action. Change begins with small steps towards the art of an adventure. If the change you choose does not inspire you then don’t do it. Change promises results.

Change is important in life. It is the renewal of anything that gives us a reason. A reason to smile, try, expect and to be. You may choose to move around your furniture every six months or even walk a different route home. Go anywhere, see anything and try everything. The more you discover, the more you change. It gives you a renewed mind frame. As the saying goes, a change is as good as a rest.

Everything we do gets redone at the end of the day. You wash the dishes and the sink is full by the end of the day, Empty the laundry basket and its half full by the time you go to bed. No one rewards you for what you do but the rewards are long-term. Yes life is a process but the things that matter most are invisible.

It is the input we give our children that will tell a story years to come. Children are our future and by investing time in them, we are playing part in filling in the future puzzle. Our Internal being contributes to our future. It is the things that we don’t see that count most. Faith, hope and love are emotions. Invest them in your children more than you buy them toys.

To be able to give, you must have. You can’t give what you do not have! Invest time in yourself. Listen to the inner you. Have values and principles. Do not conform to society norms. Believe in yourself and follow your own path. It is the only way to live a full life.

Who are you? Your parents gave you a name when you were born, people may have given you nick names, the society calls you a single mum too. These are not your names, but you will continue to be labelled until you put a sticker on yourself saying otherwise.

I was always referred to as single mum until I changed and became a life coach. I still am a single mum but no one remembers that! I am a life coach! What the society doesn’t know is that some of us are single by choice. It may have not been a choice for you but you have lived. You picked up the pieces and moved on. You are still breathing, eating and watching the kids grow. Now who is missing out?

I know a man who doesn’t have one hand. He applied for countless jobs with no success. I know what you are thinking, equal opportunity but really? On paper yes without a doubt. However, he did not give up. He chose a label for himself. A currier! He opened his own company and now works seven days a week. Everybody loves him for his ‘I will’ attitude.

You know your capabilities more than anybody can begin to figure out. You might need to polish a few things but DO IT. What pushed me most was when my son came home one day and asked. “Mum, what do you do?” my response was what do you mean? “My homework is to write about my mum’s or dad’s job”. I nearly had a seizure! There was no dad to write about, just me! I imagined all those doctors and lawyers who were doing the same homework with their kids with pleasure. I had pressure alright but I made my fulltime mum job make teachers want to quit and stay at home with their kids!

Although I made the homework very interesting, my main concern was the role model I being. I was an example to my kids that staying at home was good enough. I promised myself from that day that my kids would grow to look up to me. I decided to take small steps to achieve my goal.

Every day adds up to another and becomes measureable. Changing just one thing in your daily routine will give you great results. Every step towards the finishing line counts. Do not overwhelm your life. You are the designer. Design only the beauty you wish to see and Make it happen slowly but surely and use your skills to become whatever it is you want to be.

If you do not nominate yourself nobody else will. There is more to you than your CV. Those who are only concerned about the here and now have no vision. Life’s comfort is the ability to celebrate everything, learn from anything, feel your feelings and live your part. It’s time to bring out the treasure in you and change for the better.

This year I’m not. Yes I still want to be those things but wise old age is setting in and I have started to think differently. Instead I am focusing on what I do haveand how positiveadjustments can be more beneficial than all out change. Positive adjustments are smaller, more manageable. They focus more on what you actually have and tweak it to work better. To me change is like saying what I already have isnt good enough and I want something new.

If I did do changes who would I actually be doing these changes for? I’m being realistic about who I am, are the changes I want to make actually worth it. I’m realising that it doesn’t actually make you a bad person if there is a bit of a wobble here or there, we’ve just had Christmas for heaven’s sake. Ok I have opted to have fun over Christmas instead of watching every calorie that has passed my way. Do the kids actually love me any less with a wobble, no I don’t think so. Am I striving to be a perfect mum for the kid’s sake or just for my own? They are reasonably well rounded children. They are fed, clothed and watered on regular bases. They have smiles on their faces most days and the days that they don’t I can normally manage to turn the day around for them.

How would I actually implement any new changes? As the clock chimed midnight on New Year’s Eve I didn’t suddenly have less work to do, less housework or less responsibilities. I’m being realistic on what spare time I actually have. I didnt suddenly become rich enough to embark on a gym subscription or have the time to ( or inclination) to actually go to a gym. My wardrobe didn’t magically change into a glamourous one. Instead I will prioritise my ’tweaks’ throughout the year and not beat myself up about the ones that aren’t actually a priority. 

If, though,you are launching a resolution list remember changes don’t happen overnight despite what the adverts say. If a change is worth doing, it’s worth doing it right. Make a plan and be prepared for the long haul. A quick fix is just that and won’t stand the test of time.

This year my only resolution is not to make any. If I make a list of resolutions it’s like I have a list keeping an unhealthy hold on me, tormenting me when I make a wrong turn. In my warped mind I think not making any resolutions but instead adopting positive life changes I may stand a better chance of keeping them. I started with a new bin for the kitchen, now you may laugh at this small minute and seemingly underrated purchase, but its predecessor was a small bin that had to be emptied many times. It drove me insane. The kids never get the rubbish in the bin but half heartedly semi inside the bag and the rest in the actual bin. I was either going to spend my life emptying and cleaning a bin whilst getting myself worked up with a dose of mild hysteria or get a better and bigger bin. It’s not always huge life changing events that can rock your world but the small less insignificant ones that can make an impact.

Today things are very different. Women work, damn hard, and then fit in all the other things in life. A single mum does all that and then some more. Oh but now we are supposed to be a yummy mummy too. But just who are we doing it for. Do we do it for the men as I am pretty sure men wouldn’t agree, do we strive for yummy mummy status for ourselves or just for all the other women?

So what makes a yummy mummy? In the tabloids they are portrayed as a mum who has a certain lifestyle of no work and always looking immaculate. As unobtainable this is for the average mum I do thing all of us secretly want to make the best of ourselves. Improve a small thing here or there. I know I do. I know I am lucky as I am naturally average weight but even I feel I should do something. I have my good days and my bad days in front of the mirror and wish I had the botheration to put make up on every day. So if I feel like this I am sure there are loads of mums who feel the same and maybe want to change or tackle even more about themselves. But how do you do it when you’re a singe mum and time and money are tight.

Ok so what do we have?

There’s the weight / fitness bit – I hate diets as I refuse to be told what I can and can’t eat. As for exercise I loathe it more than anything, you will never find me in the gym let lone boringly swimming up and down a pool.

There is the looks department. My sense of fashion is rather dim being out of the fashion world for such a long time and realising that comfort is far more practical then hyperthermia or worse. As for makeup, I know what goes were, I know I look more human with makeup, I just can be arsed every day.

Then there’s the how I feel about myself bit- now this is where I think the celebs cheat. It has been written a thousand times (and mainly by men) that a truly beautiful woman is a woman who has confidence, who laughs and smiles from the heart. This they say is a natural beauty. So isn’t this what a yummy mummy should be? But here we have the catch 22. To feel good most women need to look good. And to look good you need to feel good. No wonder the celebs just cheat and buy the look.

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I was at a friend’s today for coffee and as usual had to use her loo, which is just passed the bedrooms. I use to think it was a kid thing that they did to check out someone else’s house but now realise that I haven’t grown out of it. But today I wish I had just crossed my legs. I came away not only gob smacked but insanely jealous. Her kid’s bedrooms are perfect. I don’t just mean a quick tidy like you do when in a mad rush when you know someone is coming round. Oh no these bedrooms were all colour co-ordinated, with everything in their place. They were neat and tidy with cute ornaments on the window cill. Books neatly on bookshelves, clean clothes folded on the bottom of the bed. They were so tidy that even in my walk past the door I could tell there was not a thing but clean fresh air under those beds.

Now don’t presume the worse of me, I don’t live in squallier and my house is neat and tidy as it can get with two children. But my efforts just don’t compare. My children are into crafts and drawing so every scrap of paper is one of their prized possessions. What looks like a miss-shape of discarded paper is probably a prised work of art to them. My daughter’s room is the better of the two but then it is so small she has to come out of her room just to change her mind let alone anything else. My son though is destined to be a typical boy. Socks and towels willingly walk out of his room on their own accord. A duvet that looks like it’s trying to escape its environment and to top it off I think half my plates and mugs are hiding in there. I’m just not brave enough to find out where.

So after Christmas, as everything is either done for Christmas or after Christmas on a long list of New Year’s resolutions, I am hatching a plan of attack. I have a feeling though it will be a one woman crusade without my kids support.

Being a single mum is lonely

Cons – It’s lonely, especially if you’re not working and the kids are at school or after they have gone to bed. Not everyone has family nearby or friends who understand the situation. You may feel tied to your parenting role and restricted in what you can do. Then there is the good old saying of feeling lonely in a crowd. Whatever your situation, at some point that feeling of loneliness can hit.

Pros –Being just you also means you have your own freedom and before you shout at the screen, you’re not free you have kids to looks after – freedom comes in many forms. Though it may feel like you have no freedom, you do have other freedoms to enjoy. What you eat, when you eat, where you eat – it’s your choice. Want to paint all the walls pink with white spots – it’s your choice. Wear huge Bridget Jones knickers everyday instead of sexy lace cheese wires – it’s your choice.

The bed is so empty.

Cons- That double bed can be very cold and feel very empty

Pros -all that space to stretch out and no one else pinching the duvet. Doesn’t matter if you snore nor do you have to put up with someone else’s snoring in your ear and keeping you awake?

No Back up

Cons – When a child has a strong will or determination and they know how to push your buttons it can be a battle of the wills. With no one to back you in your corner, it can feel like you’re arguing with the whole world and not just one 6 year old who is adamant odd socks, that are a week old, really are cool. As one mum rightly put it -”as the ‘primary care giver’ you are your child’s world”. When they fall it is you they cry for, when they see something new it is you they are bursting to tell and  Monday to Friday at least, when you say no, they don’t have someone to go and play you off against.The downside of this of course is when you say no and a tantrum ensues, or when they are utterly refusing to go to bed, or when they wants something that they simply can’t have, you are alone, totally. If it takes 4 hours and your shins being kicked to hell and the whole house being trashed it’s still all you, just you. You have no one to take over for just 5 minutes so you can go outside and scream, no one to pour you a glass of wine, or make you a cup of tea, or to take over and sit in the hall way outside their room putting them back into bed over and over and over again.

Pros - you can develop your own parenting style and not have any one else criticise you. You decide the house rules and it is up to you how you dish those rules out.

One person to do everything.

Cons - Well no-one else is going to do it, are they?! In the past if a light bulb needed changing I would call for the man in my life. I would even leave it un changed all day to wait for the man to get home. Now that isn’t an option (unless I want to wait a whole week!!- sometimes longer!) If something goes wrong then it’s down to you to put it right and fix the mess. And we all know there are way too little hours in the day to successfully fit in all the people you are expected to be.

Pros – The high you get when you realise you can do it is amazing. The skills you learn along the way will not only stay with you but enable you to help others. They are also brilliant skills to pass on to your children.

Money

Cons- Everyone’s circumstances are different, some get maintenance, some don’t, some work and some don’t. Whatever the circumstances money is bound to be tight and the cost of raising kids is still the same. Expensive!  One of the mums said that all of her money, every single penny is spent on her son. On providing him a home, on paying for his school dinners, on getting to and from work so she can buy him school dinners and provide him a home… On buying him the clothes he needs and trying to buy him the clothes he wants. On trying to make sure he doesn’t LOOK like a child with a single mum….the list is endless.

Pros- Having a small budget makes you manage on a small budget. One good thing to come out of this for me was the realisation how much we actually waste. When you only have so much electric or water its amazing how you learn to cut down. Same with food shopping. I never realised how much food I threw away at the end of each week. Or how much convenience food we were actually eating.

Yesterday evening we realised we had forgotten to buy the advent calendars. Nothing new there for me. So off we went to the local supermarket to get advent calendars. Of course being the last to get them it was slim pickings. My son was happy to find a ‘Stars Wars’ one left but my daughter was faced with no advert calendar or resort to a ‘Night Garden’ advent calendar. Now any other young teenager would probably throw a hissy fit as the indignation of it. Mine though collapsed into giggles. Laughter is contagious and before long we all were laughing, at what I will probably never know, but we stood there laughing.

With advent calendars in hand we headed to the Christmas decorations as this year I appear to have a fixation with purple baubles. I want my tree this year to ooze sophistication and designer twee. So purple baubles it just has to be. We are hit by more giggles at the realisation that purple just isn’t to be had. Not giving up we check out the DIY shops. Now this sounds so silly I cant even believe I am putting the words down, the three of us still full of giggles played with every rocking Rudolph and chuckling Santa we could find. We dressed up in the tinsel and hung baubles off our ears. We just simply had fun. No expense spent no reason why but just enjoyed all being together laughing like loons amongst the tinsel and decorations. My daughter innocently summed it up with the words ‘the three musketeers in search of purple baubles’.

It’s those sort of moments that I couldn’t of planed or orchestrate that make me realise I love my life with my two giggling musketeers.

If your reading this form outside the UK let quickly explain our system here. Basically all your working life just under a third of your wages is taken from your wage packet before it is even paid to you. It’s paid direct to the government for them to do with as they want. It’s apparently to pay for all the services we have. Police, fire brigade, pension to name a few, and to provide a National Health Service. Now this infamous NHS is there free when we need a hospital, a doctor and a dentist. But it’s not quite as simple as that. For example, if you go to the doctor and need a prescription most people still have to pay an additional fee for the actual medication.  

This is just a brief roundup of the system as if I went into it in more detail I would never finish this post. But the thing that has wound me up the most is the availability of a dentist. In short, there aren’t any, unless you want to go private. Now this would better if you could write to some nice government person and explain you pay for your stuff privately and they give you a refund for the parts of the system you don’t use. Oh no, you can’t do that. So for the first time ever I have written to two MP’s. They have welcoming websites that tell you that they are there for you to help you. They are supposedly accessible and care about you. Well below is the email I wrote and so far I have not heard anything back. Surprised? No. Fed up? Yes.

“Dear Mr MP – I am at the end of my tether and at a loss of how to explain this to my children. I have worked all my adult life, paying my contributions as I should and it is only now that I have found myself redundant. Not to be daunted by the situation I have taken the challenge to retrain and the New Year will hopefully bring a change of circumstances. I can cope with being a single mum and having to feed my 13 and 10 year old with just £20 a week. It’s not a hardship it’s merely a challenge to be overcome. What I do struggle with is trying to explain to my children why they have never been to the dentist or why one of their classmates who are from another country is able to have regular dentist treatment. Not that I hasn’t tried getting into a regular dentist in the last 9 years. I was brought up with the 6 monthly fear of the dentist trip. My two though have only seen a dentist in an emergency and then had to have teeth out. I too am unable to fix a broken front tooth as it’s not an emergency and I am not the sort to abuse the system, even if it’s failing. After 6 years of living with it I have resigned to the fact I will never probably get it fixed. It worried me at first but my self confidence in being able to smile went many years ago.

So please how do I explain to my children that despite them brushing their teeth every day they will probably grow up to have irreparable damage from not having regular checkups. I hope that things change and one day I will be able to go private as I think this will be our only option but in the meantime we have to just keep waiting on a waiting list that is never ending in the hope to see a dentist regularly.

If you have children you may be able to understand how hard it is to look at them knowing that something is effecting them now and will probably affect them into their adult life and there is nothing I can do about it, I am their mother but helpless. It’s not their fault I can’t afford private treatment, it’s not their fault there are no dentists but they are the ones that will pay for it in the long run.”

Since writing this post , I have since had a reply email from one of the MP’s. All it asked was if I had a contact phone number. No mention of anything else and so far no phone call.

Now this post may be a bit off subject but I’m a single mum and this has made me so angry I want to scream.

The way we do it is that we let the children decide where they want to be. Now the choices are obviously here with me or at their fathers. I not being close to my family have never spent an adult Christmas with my parents ( and nor do I want to start thank you very much), he on the other hand has brothers and sisters who all have children and they all get together ‘Walton’s’ style for a massive Christmas day. Now in a kids mind the choice between two very different Christmases is easy worked out by where you’re more likely to have fun and get more presents. Yep you guessed it, with their father. So every Christmas morning off they go to have fun, laughter and presents to return 48 hours later.

Being the good unselfish mother I am, I manage to do a good act of pretending that I love spending Christmas day on my own. We do make more of a deal out of Christmas Eve and open half our presents in the evening and then a few Christmas morning before they go. The first few years were easy as loved the novelty of easting cheese on toast in my pyjamas and watching all the Christmas films. I would have glass of champagne and a bath with as many bubbles as I could fit in. The glass of champagne would turn into a bottle and then be in bed asleep by tea time. It was easy.

But then the novelty slowly died and the champagne too when I decided to go healthy and not drink alcohol. A couple of the years have been really tough and now it gets difficult as my daughter looks at me knowing that I will be spending Christmas on my own. She is torn to go with the family or stay with me, so for her sake, the actress in me is now on Oscar level. I’m going for all out this year and have my acceptance speech for my Oscar award all planned.

In my 8 years of single mum Christmases I can recommend the following:

• Although nice to have a drink, don’t drink too much if there is any hint it will make you sad. Slurring Merry Christmas sarcastically at the TV with bottle in hand really isn’t that sophisticated.
• Instead of the traditional Christmas dinner for one (Iceland and Tesco do them if you have your heart set on it) do something different. My favourite was salmon bagels followed by strawberries and cream. You will also be amazed how many people actually envy you.
• If you are eying up the sofa and remote control for the day, treat yourself to new pj’s .
• Take yourself out for a walk.  I would walk past houses and bet how many arguments I would spot. (Grass is not always greener and the picture card image of Christmas we presume everyone else is having sadly isn’t so).
• Lastly if you can manage it, buy yourself a pressie to put under the tree. I learnt this one several years in after realising I would not get a present any other way.

There are also new Items added to the Wallis Sale

So I am asking you, readers, how do you manage it? Are you organised and have been putting money aside each month throughout the year? (Oh how I envy those with such discipline and organisational skills) or is it a mad panic and belt tightening in the last month of two?

 Now i know Christmas is not sprung upon us as the shops have been gearing up to it for the past few weeks and funnily enough Christmas does happen every year. But it every year at about this time, i panic. I want my children to have a great Christmas and they know they won’t get everything on their lists but how on earth do you make one month’s money stretch across everything that won’t go away (electric, rent and simple things like eating) and manage to buy my own corner of the local toy shop at the same time? Just because I struggle all the time financially, doesn’t mean they have to feel it too at this time of year.

So readers, spill the beans on your Christmas buying. I might finally learn how to do it for next year.

But what happens when you realise that your children aren’t as young as you think they are and they have wised up to the Santa thing. My oldest has known I’m Santa for awhile when she twigged that Santa’s handwriting on the gift tags was just like mums, not to mention that we must have bought wrapping paper at the same place.  She kept the secret for her younger brother’s sake and if anything it built a secret bond between us as we knew the truth but were united to keep the magic going for him.

Except this week I feel as though the magic has all gone as now even he admitted to knowing that Santa was actually me. I feel somewhat deflated by his announcement.  There has been no letters to Santa this year and even worse I can’t bribe them to be good. I feel as if I have learnt Santa isn’t real all over again and Christmas now has no magic at all.

Of course there is one other major downside to it all is that they were always rather reserved in their wish lists to Santa as he was a busy man who had to buy a lot of presents. Now it’s a different matter. I of course don’t have to buy presents for the whole world nor apparently am I that busy. Instead of the sweet, best handwritten letters with pictures of dolls and cars that Santa was treated to, I get a list. A long list at that, complete with what shop to find each item, the prices and in preference order. Funnily enough though, the most expensive items at the top.  

So my magic of Christmas has truly been stolen by my wised up and growing up fast children. Another thing they don’t warn you of when you first become a parent.

For starters we have…

Prezzybox – gifts, gadgets and gift ideas ideal for those Christmas lists. Quote XMAS09 and receive £5 off when you spend £20. Offers expires on 31/12/09

Play.com – for all those teenager and hard to buy people, a DVD or CD is always a good back up plan. If you spend over £50 quote PLARBS09 to get £5 off . Be quick as the offer expires 5/12/09

Calendars Direct – 2010 calendars are everywhere in every theme imaginable. Quoting Caldirdisc to receive 5% off your order, offer valid till 30/11/09 so get ordering now.

Barratts – Get your feet wrapped up warm in some fashionable boots or get ready to party the night away in some new shoes. We all love new shoes . Quote AMAZINGB to get 20% off everything – yes that’s everything.  or quote XMAS09 to get £5 off when you spend over £40, £10 off when you spend over £75 and £15 off when you spend over £100 plus free deliver on all orders.Be quick though as these offers close 30/11/09

Happy bargain grabbing.

When I set out to write about being a single parent I had a good idea of what I wanted to say. It was going to be very balanced – an essay type argument – with a clear list of pros and cons. You can imagine the style; a punchy introduction, a few positives, a smattering of negatives, all building up to the conclusion that sure, parenting alone is tough, but it also brings a whole host of benefits.

So I sit down to write. On the first page I get as far as a heading. I actually write ‘some things that are great about being a single parent’ at the top of the page and prepare to brainstorm. I stare a while at the bright white blankness of the page, perfectly reflecting the blankness of my mind.

I can think of plenty of reasons why I’m particularly glad not be co-parenting anymore with my ex – no clash in parenting styles, no more crying and shouting in front of the children, no more begging him to take them out just for a couple of hours and then feeling too guilty to enjoy my time alone. They aren’t hugely positive though. I realise they aren’t specifically reasons why I love parenting on my own, more like reasons I’m glad to be out of a damaging relationship. I guess when your options are limited to being alone or being with a partner who sucks away your very essence then single motherhood does seem appealing.

I fantasise briefly about the as yet undiscovered third option, the one where we frolic as a family in sun-dappled woodland with a Brad Pitt type father figure who, on our return to our family home, lovingly prepares dinner for us all before running me a bath and supervising wholesome craft activities with a cluster of adoring children. The fantasy doesn’t do much to inspire me in my quest for the joys of single parenthood and I feel temporarily at a loss. Surely if I can’t think of any positives then I should be miserable? If mothering alone really has no perks then why am I not ready to stick my head in the oven every time I cook a dinner that is guaranteed to be rejected by at least one of my two children? 

I may not have found my happily ever after yet but I am far from fed-up. I am quite content being the sole breadwinner, housekeeper and distributer of cuddles. Not having a partner often makes things simpler for me and my inner control freak quite likes the fact that I always get the final say. I do find myself from time to time overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all, but on the whole taking the lead feels natural to me. Although I’m not sure my eldest daughter really understands to concept of authority. “I never really think of you as a parent,” she revealed recently “I just thought you were in charge because you were the tallest.”

Bringing up children on your own is tough, there is no denying that. There is no one to share secret proud glances with at school plays, no one to share the tedium of cooking, washing and badly written bedtime stories. If you want things done, you most definitely have to do it yourself. Does being part of a couple though actually half the workload? I’m not convinced. I would bet that the majority of women would, if they were really honest, say they had the lion’s share of the responsibility for the children – doctor’s appointments, dental check-ups, school trip money, presents for birthday parties – how many women find they are ultimately the ones in charge of all these dull day to day duties? If not actually doing them then co-ordinating them. At least as a single parent you never expect anyone else to share these chores with you, so you never end up disappointed or resentful.

And then it dawns on me. Single parenthood may not have many unique positives going for it, other than those that come with being single generally like taking up the whole bed and the satisfaction of knowing you only have yourself to blame when you run out of milk, but that doesn’t mean the joys of parenthood generally don’t still apply. The unconditional love you give and receive, the arms flung around your neck and the shower of kisses you get for no other reason than that you are mummy. Perhaps not so applicable for a 14 year old, but still, you get the drift.

So thinking about it, maybe I wasn’t so far off the mark with my plan for a balanced argument, as the all consuming nature of single parenthood does work both ways. Sure most children’s books are dull – I have never really been one for storytelling – but being the sole provider of bedtime stories does make you sole beneficiary of goodnight kisses and proclamations that you are loved ‘to infinity and beyond’, which in my book more than makes up for the mountain of washing and pile of dirty dishes I have waiting for me downstairs. Besides, I will just make one of the kids do the washing up in the morning – now that really is the best of both worlds.

Jo Middleton is a freelance journalist and single mother. She lives with her two daughters in Somerset, UK.

How long have you been a single mum?

I’ve been a single mum since June 2005.  I was unhappily married and was tired of being the little wife and Madi’s mum.  I wanted more than that and wanted to be seen as more than that so after seeing one of my mail friends take more of an interest in my own daughter than her father, I upped and left.  He was also crap with money and I was tired of being in debt.  How I thought that ending my marriage would solve that problem is anyone’s guess but it hasn’t but it’s my own debt and under my control.

How many children do you have?
I have one beautiful daughter but would love more.  I just don’t want the fella that comes with it…Well I do but finding the right type of fella is a hard one especially when you use online services and you think you might have found someone potentially interesting then you tell them you’re blind and all of a sudden….Bam they’re running for the hills.  I keep considering adopting or fostering too but it has its advantages and disadvantages so we’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

You mention you are blind, how sever and how long have you been blind?
I have been blind since birth and have about as much sight to get me in or out of trouble depending on the circumstances.

Being a mum is hard word, being a single mum is harder so how on earth do you manage?
I guess I manage like any mum.  My daughter is a clever little girl and her reading is better than most adults I know which come in really useful when you want to make sure you serve beans rather than rice pudding.  My house is never as neat as a pin and it drives my mother absolutely crazy but that’s how I live.  I have to have a very good memory and systems for organizing tins into categories etc.  I have some support from people I know and trust that come and help me with reading a corresponding to post etc but to be honest being a single mum definitely has its advantages.  There’s no playing me off against dad when it comes to implementing rules etc.  I get all the cuddles and mad Madi and I are exceptionally close.  Of course it means that if I want to go somewhere everything has to be organized with military
precision which is sometimes hard work but I never have to worry about money not coming in as I fit my work around her which is exactly how I want it.

Have you come across any discrimination to single mums in your everyday life?
I can’t say I have really except for my local sports centre which is supposed to be family-oriented, does not have a crèche so it makes getting to the gym a bit of a challenge.

You mention you’re an entrepreneur, tell us more.

I am an entrepreneur and I feel very passionate about what I do.  I am an authorized Distributor with the Utility Warehouse.  I help people save money on their bills and help those who wish to make an income recommending the services to others.  It’s a wonderful business to be in as it not only fits around my daughter but is truly a residual income opportunity.  Unlike people in conventional business, if they don’t work they don’t get paid.  I do….every time my customers pay their bills.  It’s very people oriented
and I love seeing what it can do for others and the dreams it can fulfill. There are so many wonderful people in this business and when I’m around that sort of successful person I’m at my happiest.  I also love the fact that when I shop at Argos, boots etc, I’m reducing my utility bill which always makes me feel less guilty about buying stuff.

If you would like to know more about her experiences then you can read more at www.kerrypainter.co.uk

Are you a lone parent frustrated with being jobless?

Does having children make it harder to find employment?

Fed up with being skint – and judged?

Feel like you have no choices?

Or, are you are happy living the way you are?

Do you want to challenge people’s perceptions of unemployed parents?

We are doing some research about unemployment in the current climate and would love to hear from you. Please get in touch for a chat.

Email:eva.arnold @ loveproductions.co.uk

Direct line: 0207 067 4889

Believe in yourself and magic will happen – I think this can sum up the highs and lows of being a single mum. When you first start out its daunting to think you will be doing it all yourself. Then as time goes along you sudden realises it’s been weeks or months or in my case years and your still surviving. Sometimes though, doubt can creep into your mind. Are you doing the right thing, are you too strict or not strict enough. It’s hard to gauge when you don’t have another person to bounce your ideas etc off. But if you believe in yourself, look around you, your kids are happy, you might not be able to give them latest gadgets and gizmos or lavish money on them. But they are learning to be part of a team , your team. They are learning that not all families are the same. They are learning things that can’t be bought.

So I think the key is to believe in yourself and magic happen.

The biggest mistake though is not facing the problem or not trying to tackle it. It may be on your mind all the time but not actually doing anything positive about it is just hiding from the problem.

Take control of the situation. So ok you’re in debt. You’re not the first or last and certainly not alone.

If you are in serious debt contact your creditors (the people you owe money to) before they contact you. They don’t actually want to take court action unless it is absolutely necessary. But the problems won’t go away if you ignore them. They will only get worse.

Seek advice. Don’t go to debt counselling companies that charge a fee for their services. I made this costly mistake and still trying to unravel the mess. There are companies that don’t charge and the money you would pay in fees could go towards paying off debts.

First make sure you getting all the money you are entitled to. www.entitledto.co.uk has a nifty anonymous calculator then will estimate what you could be entitled to.

Sit down and list everything and I mean everything. Be it on a piece of paper or getting nifty with an excel sheet. Work out exactly what you have coming in and what goes out. You have probably looked at this before and cancelled the things you don’t need like gym membership for a gym you don’t go to etc. But it is worth having another look at it.

Keep this to hand and then talk to your local http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk . There advice is free and up to date. Other free organisations are http://www.payplan.com and http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk . These people deal with people with debt problems every day. They won’t be shocked but will offer advice on what the best action is for your situation and circumstances.

I can’t stress enough the importance of tackling the situation and keeping away from companies that charge for their services.

You are not alone

It sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. You are not alone in feeling nervous about meeting new people. Walk into any school or mums’ group and you can just about guarantee that the majority of the other mums there are feeling just the same.

It is true that some playgrounds and toddler groups do have a few well established cliques, but there are still plenty of people to talk to. If in doubt, ease yourself in gently. If you have preschool age kids, try a smaller more focused group to start with. Something like baby music sessions are great because they are normally small size classes, the babies tend to be similar ages, and you often get the chance for a chat and a cup of tea at the end of the session.

Confidence is just an act

Perfect the art of walking tall, even when you’re feeling low. Our body language and posture reflects how we are feeling about ourselves. When we are feeling shy or self conscious we show this in the way we move and hold ourselves. When trying to appear more confident we can use this knowledge of body language to our advantage by changing the way we use our bodies to trick our minds into thinking we really ARE confident. Try it now – be aware of how you are sitting, standing, you facial expressions. Now alter your posture, make your back straighter, hold you head high and smile. Bet you feel better already!

Walk into a new group of people with a big smile on your face, looking as if you are a regular, and you’re half way there. Just imagine how you would behave if you were feeling confident and completely at ease with the situation, then just act that way regardless of how you really feel.

Get Involved

Most toddler groups, play schools or local NCT branches are run by a group of volunteers, most of whom are likely to be parents themselves. Getting involved as a member of a committee, in fundraising activities or maybe as a contributor to a local newsletter is a good way to meet new people, often away from the gaze of your children. Don’t worry that will have to commit yourself to anything. Going along to an NCT branch meeting for instance does not mean you have to take on a particular job, but existing committee members are likely to be thrilled just to have somebody new contributing fresh ideas and experiences. For mums of school age children the PTA is a great place to get to know people.

Shared Interests and support

Having children is actually a great ice breaker. There aren’t many other groups you can join where you are guaranteed that every person there shares at least one common interest – you know you’ll all be parents! If you can find some groups particularly targeted at single parents then even better. There are plenty of organisations around that aim to support single parents and put them in touch with other people in the same situation. If you can’t find a single mums group in your local area, why not set up your own? Having a local support network of mums in the same boat can be invaluable; both in terms of the emotional support you can offer each other and the practical help e.g. sharing babysitting and childcare.

Team up

If the thought of meeting new people alone is just too daunting to contemplate, consider dragging a friend or relative along for moral support. Perhaps you have existing friends with children of their own who would come along with you or you could take your mum or a willing sister. If you have recently had a baby and have met some like-minded mums at antenatal classes now’s the ideal time to get to know them a bit better. Invite them along to try out a local toddler group with you and at least you’re guaranteed someone to talk to.

As you begin to make new friends an easy way to take a friendship to the next level is to suggest an outing to somewhere new or an activity that neither of you have been brave enough to try on your own before. That way you’ll be widening your social circle even further at the same time as getting to know your new friend better.

Be yourself

The best way to make sure that any new friendships you form are long lasting and rewarding is to be yourself – simple but true. It is important to how things in common besides your children – a shared sense of humour and a similar outlook on life are important too. Hopefully this way many of the friends you make now will last long beyond the time when the trials and tribulations of parenting have ceased to be such a prominent part of every conversation.

Some ideas for ways to meet other mums:

Gingerbread – www.gingerbread.org.uk

SPAN – www.spanuk.org.uk

Meet a Mum Association – www.mama.co.uk

National Childbirth Trust – www.nct.org.uk

Kindly written by Jo Middleton. Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

I have two children so the idea of dragging them on the quest for a new item never filled me with enthusiasm. Now it’s a way of life.

I don’t have to tackle the car parks or pay the extortionate price of parking. I don’t have to spend my precious petrol on the whole experience either. I shop with my slippers on and cup of coffee. Total bliss.

But now I am saving money as I shop on the internet. I promise its nothing shady or such like. I found a site that pays me back a percentage of what I spend. EH? I hear you cry. Well I pop along to Internet Cashback and log in. Browse to the section I want, like today it was New Look for clothes. I click the link and taken to New Look website. I happily shop away knowing that I will get 8% back into my Internet Cashback account from shopping at New Look . Once you have reached £40 they send it along to your bank account. Personally I am going to leave the money in there till Christmas.

It’s not all 8% either . Take out home insurance with HSBC and you have earnt yourself £25. Shop at Boots ? You could be earning yourself 4% on your purchases. WH Smiths for the kids back to school stuff, you could be earning 3.5% back into your purse. There really is such a wide variety on there that I have mearly skimmed the surface. And remember all those percentages add up to a nice deposit back into your purse just because you went through Internet Cashback.   

As well as loads of categories, it’s well worth joining for the free £10 they give you just for signing up. Now when I shop I go through Internet Cash back to reward myself with £%. How cool is that, it’s like being paid to shop.

My children listened open mouthed as I explained about the different sweets and cartoon characters I had grown up with, not to mention vinyl instead of CD’s etc. But it totally knocked them when I explained there were no mobile phones and even some people didn’t have normal house hold phones.

‘How did you arrange to meet up in the holidays?’ my daughter asked who is of the age she is permanently texting to arrange this and that. Imagine her shock when I explained it was either pre-arranged or you called by their house. The news that I would write to my friends was just completely jaw dropping. Their reactions intrigued me so I pursued the conversation telling them how modern life actually is now. The invention of dishwashers and tumble dryers all being in my living memory. How their Nan brought me up with no washing machine or microwave and the days when we had no TV.

Now I know life progresses and things improve but have we actually improved our lives? My mother at my age was twice as fit as I am with all the annual housework. I, in comparison, use all the costly labour saving devices then pay to go to the gym. Or how I buy all the conveyance foods and supermarket junk complete with the over the top packaging etc only to try afterwards to coax some good food like fruit into them. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go back to basics and cook it all myself knowing that it has all the good things in it and cutting out the weekly fruit and supermarket battle?

Are we really moving forward or just making more work for ourselves.

This may seem cruel, but the whole point of paid for play is that I get let off the responsibility of being an endless source of entertainment. Parenting generally is exhausting. Parenting alone is relentless and it is crucial to give yourself time out now and again.

Of course it does seem slightly perverse to pay to spend the afternoon indoors on what has turned out to be one of the sunniest days this month, but I comfort myself with the fact that I am actually protecting us both from harmful UV rays. I have never been the kind of mum to remember sun lotion, so this is the next best thing.

Sure we could have romped through woods looking for animal tracks or other such wholesome activities, but then it’s difficult to read the papers when you are attempting to bluff your way in tree identification. You can try the park, but the chances are at our local that you’ll have to contend with a steady stream of bored teenagers swearing and hogging all the best stuff. Plus at the park there is no escape from the plaintive cries of ‘mummy can you push me on the swings?’

At our indoor soft play centre my energetic seven year old is guaranteed to find a friend and I am off the hook. After ten minutes she is already holding hands with one of the big girls and I am a good way through The Times. I have brought with me a selection of papers, magazines and books – the second rule of soft play is to be prepared – and I work my way happily through them, easily blocking out the screams of toddlers and the flashing of the muted flat screen TVs that line the walls.

Soft play is basically low cost childcare. For a paltry £14 a month I can have unlimited access – all I need to do is repeat this afternoon’s session a few times a week and I’m looking at an hourly rate of about 27p. Bargain. Sure, it’s no Montessori, but my daughter has a great time and after a few hours with my head in a book I feel refreshed and ready to climb back on the never ending merry go round of single parenthood.

Kindly written by Jo Middleton. Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

Instead of buying a lottery ticket put the money into a jar, when it reaches a lump sum buy premium bonds instead.

Get used to using cash rather than credit cards. It’s a proven fact that people using cash spend less then those who pay with plastic.

Voucherseeker.co.uk  & Vouchercodes.co.uk– have the pick of the best discount from big names.

Toluna – get products for free to try out. Only catch you have to report back on what you think and your opinions on the products. Click Here to find out more.

Switch off TVs , hi-fis and PCs instead of leaving them on standby – can save up about £130 a year.

By swapping just 5 of the most used light bulbs for energy-saving bulbs saves you  £30 a year

Turning down the thermostat just one degree saves £50 a year.

Check your getting the best prices – it pays to shop around.

• Save On Your Bills – to see if you can save on your bills.
• mySupermarket.co.uk – to check the best prices in the supermarket before you go shopping.
• Beat That Quote – always wise to check out the quote you’ve had is the best one.

Use canned cream instead of fresh

Use dried beans and chickpeas instead of canned

Use streaky bacon instead of back bacon

Use pollack instead of cod

Use boneless chicken thighs instead of chicken breasts

Use the freezer to store bread and crumpets saves throwing it away what hasn’t been used because it’s past its best.

Empty wine dregs into ice cube trays, can be used then in soups, casseroles and sauces for extra flavour.

Send in your tips or add them in the comments below

Supermarket Loyalty Cards – if they do one – get one. By just presenting a card you get loyalty points. These will soon add up and can be used in a variety of ways.

Buy Loose – Fruit and veg is cheaper when bought loose. Will you really eat your way through that bag of oranges before they go off? I know I don’t in my vain attempt to get at least one piece of fruit into my kids.  Save even more by buying seasonal and if you can shop after 4pm they are often discounting it all too.

Write a shopping list – and remember to take it with you. Planning a weeks shopping and sticking to it wont add on the little extras you forget about till it comes to paying the bill. A special offer is only good if you actually like and use the product in the first place.

Time your attack – supermarkets need the shelf space for the next days delivery so many items are put on offer. If you can mange to shop in the evening or on a Sunday you can benefit by saving some money.

Buy Bulk – but only on your staples that you know you will constantly use. Things like rice, pasta, olive oil etc. And make sure you have storage space to keep it all.

Buy Own Brand – Not only are they cheaper they are just as good or better. My children thought they only drank branded squashes till they caught me refilling a branded bottle with own label.

Dont Shop When You’re Hungry – we have all done it and you always come out with loads more than you need.

Shop Alone – if at all possible don’t shop with kids or partners. They get in the way, add things to the trolley and stop you getting the job done.

Tesco

Basically you get 1 point for every £1 you spend. Once you have reached 100 points they convert it into a voucher worth £1. Now whilst your thinking this doesn’t sound much it does add up. They also do various promotions where you can double up your points, earn extra points and receive more for your points. Once they sold iPod shuffles for £49 and gave 999 bonus points. Add that to the normal points accrued on the sale and it actually turned out you had £42 of clubcard Deals making the iPod effectively £7.

Nectar Points – Used in Sainsbury’s. BP, Homebase, Amazon.co.uk, Play.com and Dixons.co.uk

For every £1 spent usually gains you 2 points. You can use the points in exchange for gifts, shopping discounts off member stores and days out.

Joining the email newsletter with them can boost your points when they send out questionnaires in return for 50 points or more.

Boots – Use online or in store an earn 4 points for every £1.

Most the stores have loyalty machines that print out offers and vouchers when you insert your card. Boots commonly hold mega weekends where extra points are given out . If you spend online though remember to collect your points from instore with in 6 months or you loose the points.

When we have already cut back on things just to make the sums add up, we are now faced with the task of having to cut back and tighten the belt even more.

So how on earth can we do it? Its not going to be easy and its not going to be pretty. Never more than now does the saying ‘every penny count’ mean so much. So I have now we have a money section. Simple tips, big tips, easy tips…..actually any tip I know or can find to help save those pennies.

Saving Money on the Shopping Bill – how small things as we shop can save some pennies.

Loyalty Cards – What do you get for your loyalty?

Saving Money in the Kitchen - simple and easy tips to help save the pennies.

Saving Money Generally - ideas to save moeny generally on anything.

Please get in touch with your moeny saving tips so they can be added and help others.

Often after a divorce, people will look back and say they wished they had tried harder. Divorce isn’t an easy option and you should be really sure as possible before going down this route. It can be costly not just in money terms but emotionally too. If possible try couples counselling. Talking to a third impartial party can help and then after counselling you decide you do want a divorce then at least you know you have tried everything possible to save your marriage.

If I sought legal advice would my husband find out? 

Just because you have talked to a solicitor it doesn’t mean you have started a divorce. You can find out from your solicitor your rights and if your marriage gets back on track then at least you haven’t lost anything. Your meeting will be treated in confidence so unless you tell your husband then no he wouldn’t find out.

Would a trial separation work?

Everyone is different. What works for some, doesn’t work for others. The time apart may be what you need or it may confirm to you that a divorce is what you want.

Friends and family are telling me to leave him.

As well meaning as friends and family are at giving advice don’t let them railroad you into a decision. They are not in your marriage and are making judgements from outside and without all the facts. It’s a very personal decision that only you can make. 

Though we are splitting up, neither of us want to move out during the divorce.

Financial constraints may mean you can’t move out and neither of you have to. But emotionally it might be better to live separately. Even if you are the one initiating the divorce, you don’t have to be the one who has to leave. It’s probably best and more stable for the children for them to stay in their home if possible. Think before you do anything and seek professional advice. 

If I leave would I lose any rights I have to my house? 

No. If the house is in both names or solely in your name then legally you don’t lose any rights at all. It is though in practise easier to keep control of the legal process if you are still in the house. Talk to your lawyer before you act.

I think my husband is going to react badly when I tell him I’m leaving him.

If you think he may react badly then consider having a mutual friend or family member with you when you tell him, they might be able to calm him down and are there for your safety too.

What do I tell everyone? 

You tell them as little or as much as you want. There is no need to be ashamed and might even be a relief to stop pretending everything is fine. You’re not the first nor will you be the last person to go through a divorce so you will probably find a lot of support and sympathy.

Hi there,
 
I’m writing to you from Renegade Pictures regarding a programme we’re making
for the BBC about pregnancy. The documentary will be a warm, thoughtful look
at pregnancy today, in which our expectant presenter will meet 7 women
having a baby at different times of their lives – and with equally diverse
lifestyles. We’re really keen that this documentary will explore the wide
range of options that are available to women, providing a fascinating
insight into this very special time.
 
We’re looking to contact women in the UK who are having their first baby and
are particularly keen to feature women who are in their late 30′s, 40′s or
50′s who are currently pregnant and have been successful through IVF or
alternative fertility treatments. We hope this will be a positive
opportunity for them to talk about their experiences, choices, and outlooks,
and really want to offer them the opportunity to put their opinions across -
perhaps challenging stereotypes if they are passionate about that.
 
If you’re interested in finding out more you can call me on: 07548 948 995
or email: baby(at)renegadepictures(dot)co(dot)uk.
 

Many thanks and best wishes,
 
Paula

The key is to stop panicking that you can’t do it, stop and breathe for a moment. Calm yourself and your fears of raising unsociable, odd socked and misfit children. You’re using up energy worrying about it ( and maybe even making yourself ill) that could be put to better, more positive  use.

Now write a list of what is important to you. Everyone’s list will be different and there is no right or wrong things to put on the list. If it’s important to you and you don’t think you’re coping with it then put it on the list. (Don’t say all of it- be more specific). It can be simple small things that seem huge right now. It can be huge things that you might have to get out side advice for. You would laugh if you read my list. I even had the small unimportant thing of not letting my children ever go out the door in odd socks. Sounds silly to me now but for me at the time it was important.

After prioritising your list, don’t look at it as a list of failures but a list of challenges to be over come. Tackle each item one by one. Some things will just need a bit or advanced organising (like my odd sock thing) to other things you might need to seek advice for.  Just the sheer fact of writing it down will help. When you start ticking things off it should hopefully all become easier.

• Be as honest and open as possible
• Be calm and optimistic about the future
• Say that you are upset/angry/anxious but don’t get over emotional
• Reassure then that you both love them
• Reassure them that they will still see you both
• Reassure them that it wasn’t their fault
• Be prepared with details of what going to happen
• Be prepared to answer their questions
• Let them know that they can talk to either of you about the situation at any time
• Make your talk age appropriate
• Don’t blame or criticise each other
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep
• Don’t tell them to keep it a secret
• Don’t go into unnecessary details of your relationship

One of the main things is an inside/outside approach. Eating a good diet and your skin will benefit form it.

• The bad news is though that sugar is one of the no’s for the skin. It makes your skin less elastic resulting in sags, bags, lines and wrinkles. Also products made with flour and processed foods. 
• Eating foods that are high in omega-3 fatty acids will help keep the skin plump. That’s the oily fish (salmon, mackerel, sardines and herrings) but also walnuts, fresh vegetables and non-citrus fruit (blue and other berries). 
• Try and eat less animal protein like red meat and dairy products. 
• Drink lots of still pure water – we all know this one but do you follow it and are you getting at least 8 large glasses a day? 

Can it really be that easy? Well your skin reflects what you eat, as my grandmother use to say. So instead of looking at this as a time of being poor and not being able to afford the luxuries in life, look at it as a way of going natural and greener. 

Whilst I am wittering on about foods, there are also a few foods called super foods. No they wont make you sprout a cape and have super powers (oh I wish) but instead they help protect you against all the diseases of aging, from cancer to memory loss. 

Antioxidants – these vitamins and minerals are mainly found in fruit and vegetables. They prevent a damaging process called oxidative stress which is caused by pollution, ultraviolet light and smoking. It leads to the formation of excess free radical molecules – the real big baddies behind disease and aging. The top foods to look out for are prunes, raisins, blueberries, blackberries, garlic, kale, strawberries, spinach, raspberries, Brussels sprouts, plums, broccoli, beetroot and avocado. Now if I can incorporate some of those into my week I have every confidence you can too. 

Organic Eggs – these are the top foods for protein. They also cleverly contain nutrients that prevent fat deposits, help memory, concentration and emotional balance. 

Green Tea – is really good for helping protect against heart disease, cancer, tooth decay, arthritis and bone loss. 

Millet – now I know it doesn’t sound very exciting but it is gluten-free and is rich in silica which will benefit hair, skin and nails. Surely there must be something vaguely exciting we can figure out to put it in?

Nuts – almonds are protein rich and collagen building. Brazil nuts for selenium to protect against cancer and improve thyroid function. Walnuts will help a healthy heart. 

Oats – are a fantastic source of slow release energy but also lower cholesterol and blood pressure.

Spices and Herbs –Try rosemary and sage to help memory, thyme for lung function. Then there is yellow turmeric to help prevent Alzheimer’s and IBS, reduce joint pain and boost immunity. Fresh ginger will help reduce inflammation for conditions like rheumatism and heart disease.

This is only touching the surface on all these super foods and eating healthily. Just having a day a week binge on them may be a start and least you’re trying but to gain the most out of these super foods they need to be introduced into your daily eating.

So I worked my last day in the office and next day armed with P45 I contacted the three amigos again. Tax credits have told me to call back at the end of the month as the holiday week is still classed as employment. Housing benefits took a copy of my p45 and have adjusted my claim ready for when it changes. They can already tell me what and when I will get paid. Another gold star for them. Job centre, well I don’t think they will be gaining any gold stars form me. I filled out my claim on line the day after working as I was advised when I called them. A lady calls next day to go over more questions. Turns out a lot of questions and even I by the end of it couldn’t remember how many children I had let alone their dates of birth. Next I was informed to attend an interview the next day at the job centre and warned that only exceptional circumstances would be accepted if I didn’t attend.

 So off I trot to the job centre, 10 minutes early as usual for me. To say they have had a face lift since I last went is a bit of understatement. They are all trendy now in primary colours, sofas and not one but two security guards. Gone are the days of walls of jobs on note cards, instead its full of fangled touch screen machines complete with a reception that looks like she is a maitre de of a restaurant. I have to see lady first who goes over my online claim and the questions from the telephone call. Of course it is wrong, the lady on the phone must have got bored and click happy. Once corrected I am asked to wait for the lone parent advisor. This is the lady I want to see, I have questions, lots of them. I have even written them down and have pen ready to fill in the answers. An hour later I leave despondent and with no answers. I was basically told to ask all those things if I still want to know in 6 months time.

As for knowing when and what I will be paid, well your guess is as good as mine. At a time where I am going to a smaller income, I am responsible enough to have an excel sheet that tells me what I have to spend and when. ( by the way Christmas this year will be moving to 4 months later as my excel sheet tells me I can afford it then) I do know what I will get once they have sorted it all out as I checked on Entitled To and that is pretty much accurate for my circumstances.

So my advice if your about to go this route.

• Call all of them as soon as you know your circumstances are going to change.
• Check what your are entitled to, don’t rely hearsay.
• Explain to your landlord. Housing benefit is paid 4 weekly and most peoples rent is monthly. If he knows and is forewarned he might be more lenient.
• Keep a note of every telephone call you have with any of them.
• Be prepared to wait for all the benefits to be sorted out. Speed and easy transition is not in their vocabulary.

If any one else has some advice please chip in and comment

I know it’s hard not to take it personally when some you have counted on turns and says they don’t want to see you again. But it doesn’t mean you are broken in anyway. The relationship was broken and he is telling you that it’s not right for him anymore. Respect that he has feelings and he is just being honest.

If he has come out with the ‘we will still be friends line’, it doesn’t mean he might change his mind. He is probably trying to ease his own conscience. Before you even house the idea of trying to be friends you need distance, time and to heal. Then decide if his friendship is what you want.

Don’t contact him. No you don’t really need to. Take all his details out of your phone. Box up anything of his or reminds you of his into a box and store away in the garage. No, this doesn’t mean leaving it on the lawn to ruin his prize book collection in the rain. Remember you’re a nice person really and right now your emotions are ruling your normally sane mind.

Call closet friends. They will be your support system through the tough days. And if you’re wailing at the screen that you don’t have any friends or that none of your friends understand then email me. I understand, I will answer and I have been there.

These are just a few quick points but the main thing is to do even though your heart is breaking in two and you really don’t want to be hearing the news, muster every bit of strength you can and hold your head up high. Walk away with dignity. Or at very least till you’re out of sight before you start crying your heart out.

 Don’t drag it out- the dead is best done when you realise that it has to be done. Don’t drag it out weeks or months while you figure out what you want in life. It’s wasting yours and his time and it is selfish. Oh and do it face to face. If your old enought o be swapping bodily fluids then you are old enough to do things properly and if it means face to face then get on with it. You wouldn’t like to be dumped via the phone, email or text.

 Be definitive – this is about your feelings so be confident in them. It’s not a request to analyse your feelings and debate the issue. It sounds harsh but deliver the news, making it clear it’s about your feelings and not a short fall in the other person.

 Don’t give hope – Don’t use the lines like ‘I hope we can be friends’. Your only saying this to ease your conscience and if you truly mean it you know that distance and healing needs to be done first before there is any hope of friendship. Trying to be friends the next day only gives them false hope that it can be rekindled.

 Be honest but humane- Just because you are delivering the news that you don’t want to see them again doesn’t mean it’s a chance to list every little flaw and problem in them and the relationship. Let him have some dignity.

 Leave them alone- No you don’t have to just check they are ok. It will confuse them. Yes you may be missing them and yes you may feel bad but you wanted out. Give him the space to hate you and get over you.

So what is self-esteem? Well it’s the bit of you that gives yourself value and helps you stand up for yourself. We maybe be born with heaps of it, it does get eroded by parents, teachers, comments from friends and even lovers. So if you are someone who always remembers the insults and discards the compliments and always put yourself down or thinks you deserve less than others than it’s a case of low self esteem.

 Learn to appreciate things about yourself other than your looks – What strengths or talents do you have? Get out there and find out if you’re not too sure. Starts to see and embrace other things in your body besides beauty.

 Drop the lazy thinking – lazy thinking is thinking that if you just reach a certain dress size or look a certain way then you will be happy. It’s also thinking that no one else knows what it is like for you and worrying that people are judging you because you don’t look perfect. Stop with the lazy thinking as it’s not true. No one is perfect, just a quick look around will show you we are all made up of different types and sizes. And the person who is judging you for not being perfect is actually you, which means you can stop doing it.

 Appreciate your body and your mind – appreciate your body for what it can do now, for how far it has brought you in life. Ok you might not be where you want to be yet but its not all bad and neither are you. We all have times when we feel unfit, unhealthy and beat of selves up for choices we have made but instead of using all that to make yourself feel bad, change it and remember its you who can alter those things.

• Exercisers have leaner bodies than those who only diet as muscle takes up a third of the space of fat.
• Have more self esteem and confidence because their bodies feel stronger.
• Keep weight off longer than dieting alone.
• Feel more positive.
• Feel great in general as exercise releases feel-good endorphins.
• Are healthier as on average the risk of having a heart attack is reduced by about a third in people who exercise.

So how do you transform form coach potato to exerciser?

Find your motivation – the real key to successful exercising is to find a sport or activity that suits you and inspires you. It doesn’t just have to be running on a tred mill in a gym. Do you want to learn to run, dance, try martial arts, yoga or swim?  All of those are exercise but in different forms.

Make it a habit – studies have shown that it takes three to four weeks to create a habit. That’s only a month. Pick three days a week and every week at the same time on those days do your exercise of choice. Just for a whole month don’t budge on it and get the habit.

When the going gets tough, just keep going. – Life doest always run smoothly and there might be set backs when you’re unwell, injured or have work commitments. But it is essential to get back into your exercise as soon as you can. Keep reminding yourself of your goal; rope in friends for some support on the tough days. Pay for classes in advance, which alone can motivate you to keep going.

Make activity part of your life – you should see exercise as part of your life for life, not something you’re doing to get a life. Exercise can be enjoyed and not just a vision of sweat. Walk across the office instead of emailing, walk those stairs instead of getting the lift. Borrow a dog or just take yourself for a walk and enjoy the views.

Most importantly – get out there and do something.

 First though be honest about how much you eat. – If you think you don’t eat much but steadily gained weight then you need to be aware of what you are eating and how much you are eating. The what and how much are the two things alone that determine your weight gain. Not all foods are made the same and generally the tastier the food than the more calories that have been packed into it. So although you’re eating small amounts you’re probably eating a lot of calories. Keeping a food diary will show you what you actually are eating. Note every bite, snack, drink and even the bits you nibble on while you’re cooking. I am sure I am not the only one who eats the cheese as I grate it.

Stop the mad diets. It’s very tempting to follow a diet that promises easy weight loss, quickly and easily while eating all your favourite foods. However there is no miracle diet that will work in the long run. The only successful way to loose weight is to loose weight steadily through healthy eating. That means less rubbish and more of the good stuff. Following crash diets and you will mess up your metabolism and make loosing weight an even tougher job than it needs to be.

 Eat like a healthy person – a healthy person doesn’t police what they eat, feel guilty if they eat something bad or skip meals because they want to loose weight. They eat when they are hungry and stop when they are not. They also eat three proper meals a day including breakfast. It pays to focus on your morning meal as your body needs fuel/energy in the morning as it hasn’t eaten for ten hours.

 Have realistic goals – aiming to loose 3 stone in two months is not realistic. You can’t reach this sort of goal in that sort of time frame. Attempt it and you will feel cheated, get fed up and veer off course via a cake shop. You goal has to be realistic to your lifestyle, your end goal and your personality. Some people succeed through group weight loss or by a structured diet at home. Others might prefer going cold turkey and cut out all temptations. Choosing the plan that suits your character best and your chances of reaching your goal will increase.

 Take small steps – just like Rome achieving your new body won’t happen over night but can be achieved with a simple strategic plan that you put into action on a daily basis. Think healthy eating, exercise, motivation, effort and short and long term goals. Fight the ‘stuff it’ moments too as a breakthrough of some sort will be just around the corner. If you’re truly having a bad day and can’t distract your self with something else, then give in to it in a small way and move on. What matters is always what you do next – not what you’ve done already.

• Beauty
• Diet,
•  Exercise
•  Body Image and Self Esteem.

The Body Image Bit -Did you know that 98% of us hate our bodies and that 4 out of 10 of us are permanently on a diet? No wonder we obsess about our bodies every 15 minutes.

 We all have our own personal goals and they can very

• Wanting to loose weight
• Getting fit
• Stamping out horrible habits  
• Getting health issues under control.

 To feel successful about our bodies we need to improve our self esteem and self worth. To feel good about the outside we need to feel good on the inside.

A good place to start is doing something about the neglected areas of our health regime. This will address why we don’t have the energy to do something about the body. We use excuses like ‘can’t be bothered’ and ‘don’t see the point’. We need the energy to muster up the enthusiasm to think about, plan and go for our body goals.

Get enough beauty sleep – most people skip sleep in the week and then try and catch up at the weekend. This only knocks the body clock but will leave you feeling lethargic and even sleepier when you wake up. A more effective sleep pattern is getting a solid 7 hours sleep a night. Don’t have a hot bath before bed and cool your bedroom to a 16 degrees Celsius. Avoiding caffeine for the five hours before you go to bed and no heavy meals two hours before bedtime as this will cause restlessness.

Silence the critic inside – we all have that voice inside, form an ex, mother or friend. It nags whines and tells you you’re not good enough. It also pipes up when you try and do something about it. This inner voice is your fear. It’s scared that maybe you can’t change. People change every day no matter whet their background or present circumstances. Stop the inner voice and argue you back at it.

Be real with your self – Often people say ‘who cares what I look like , its what’s inside that matters’ but you cant separate how you look on the outside to how you feel on the inside as they are connected. In reality what you are actually saying is that you’ve given up on your body and hate it. Body success is about all over success to get there you have to first admit you want change.

Stand tall – statistics show on average 9.4 million of us spend over 75%of the day sitting down. This kind of sedentary lifestyle means your back and stomach muscles become severely unused. Get active for at least 30 minutes a day and learn to maintain good posture.

Put your realties glasses on – or in other words stop comparing yourself to others. You need to stop viewing yourself negatively or comparing yourself with pictures of famous people. Have a good look at yourself. Ignore the bits you dint like. Look at the bits that you do like or the bits that aren’t so bad and you can live with. What bits have you had compliments on?

What is your idea of body success? – Real you vs. fantasy you. What does your fantasy look like? Probably something along the lines of a Barbie doll and you probably beat yourself over the head with the image when you’re having a bad hair day or your hormones have erupted in spots all over your face or when it’s a muffin top over the top of your jeans day. Your never going to feel good about the real you as long as this fantasy is around. There are two choices.

1. Dump the fantasy and come up with a new version to work towards or
2. Dump the fantasy and celebrate who you are right now.

Either way it will take effort but here is where you control the effort. The amount of effort you put in the more result you will get out. Start by brainstorming your idea of body success.

Write down what would it take to make you feel happier about your body

•  How you could achieve it
• What areas you could do with toning up
• How could you achieve that?
• What areas could do with a make over?
• Who could help you with that?
•  Health do you need boost and why
• What’s your deadline -Goals don’t work unless you have a deadline

 But be realistic. If like me you are 5 foot not a lot then you or I are never going to be 6 foot of loveliness. Likewise if you’re tall and thin then you’re never going to be small and cute. But it doesn’t mean you can’t be sexy, strong, sensational looking and happy with your body no matter where your starting point is. The key is to take what you got and to make the most of it. Hone, tone, exercise and diet the rest. If it means primping and glossing then go for it. It’s not vain to want to make the best of yourself.

If your idea of body success means

• Plastic surgery
• Involving zero effort,
• Miracle or crash diets,
• Assume it will just happen,
• Think bigger breast will solve everything
• Or you’re planning always starts tomorrow then you need to rethink as it’s off balance

So you trawled you way through the dating sites, been on the blind dates set up by well intended friends and spent a lot of time in the supermarkets, libraries and art galleries and finally found a man. He has even passed the small milestone of being compatible. Now is the time you get to see if he is actually into you as much as you are into him. Yes I know your gorgeous, lovely and an absolute delight to be around but is it a case of ‘he’s just not that into you’? I have just read the brilliant book of the same title. They call it the no-excuses truth to understanding men and with its no nonsense, tell it as it is approach it really was like a breath of fresh air. You might even recognise the line from Sex and the City but that will be because one of the authors was a writer and a consultant from the series.  

He’s Just Not That into You: The No-excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

• If he’s not asking you out
• If he’s not calling you
• If he doesn’t want to marry you

These are just a few of the things they cover and I don’t want to spoil it by revealing all of it. Its not expensive, it’s from a different point of view. It even manages to leave you feeling good about yourself in some awful situations.

 Stop putting yourself down- have a think about how you talk about yourself. Do you arrive somewhere and then dismiss your self by saying ‘only me’? Or do you refer to yourself as being not particularly clever by saying ‘I’m not very good at this’ when someone comments on something you have done? These negative thoughts and actually saying them have a gradual effect and will eat away at your confidence even more. Get rid of them from your vocabulary.

 Don’t compare yourself – there are always the mums at the school gates who look immaculate, have perfectly behaved kids and look like they have the full eight hours sleep. Or the people you pass in the supermarket that just oozes contentment and confidence. Or the sickingly loved up couple at the next table. But you don’t really know what’s going on in their heads or their lives. They might be very good at covering up the less than perfect bits or on there very best behaviour and secretly envy you. Ultimately comparing yourself with others is pointless. Concentrate on your own journey.

 Reframe your thoughts – instead of negative talk change it to positive talk. Stop the ‘I can’t’ or ‘I won’t’ and use ‘I choose to’ instead.

 Picture what you want instead of what you don’t want – I bet you can list a hundred things you don’t want. You don’t want to be lonely; you don’t want to grow old on my own etc etc. But if you are asked what you do want I bet you’re a bit hazier on what you’re am aiming for.

 Set small and realistic goals – given a huge challenge or change then most of us will retreat, close up and think of ourselves as failures. But if you make these things smaller and more realistic then it’s easier achieved and you feel more successful as you achieve them.

 Be patient – nothing of any value is achieved overnight. If it is then it’s false.

 Don’t give up – life will always throw obstacles in your way. The difference between those who make it and the ones that fall by the wayside is that the ones who make it look for a way around the problem or just try again.

 Accept yourself as you are – confidence doesn’t mean perfect. So accepting your self just as your are complete with the less desirable bits.

The opposite of rebound are the ones who find it hard to love again. For some they are stuck, unable to move on even years after the relationship ended.

What both these situations have in common is that the relationship didn’t reach a proper ending. To learn, to recovery and to move on properly. It’s called the grieving process and is applicable if going through loosing some in bereavement or an ending of a relationship. Those who embark on a rebound relationship are trying to skip the grieving; those who can’t love again become stuck in their grief.

So what is the grieving process? Well it has 5 stages and different people will go through it in different ways. Some might get through the lot in one day; other might take days or even weeks on each stage. It is also common that once you have reached the end something happens and you have to go start it all again , but the good news  is will be easier. It’s not just the dumpee who will experience these emotions, the one who left will also go through the stages too.

Denial – the first response to bad news is numbness. The “it can’t be happening to me” moment. Denial is a sort of buffer against the shock providing you a breathing space to control your thoughts and get your coping strategies and supporters rallied into place.

Anger – it finally sinks in and you can’t get away form the fact it is happening to you. You will go through all the questions of why it is happening to you, why did you deserve this. You might be angry at your partner for doing something wrong or angry at your self for not spotting any signs or making mistakes.

Bargaining – at this point you now realise that your anger is getting you no where fast so your natural coping mechanisms kick in. you remember as a kid demanding something seldom worked so now you resort to the asking nicely faze. Bargaining is fine for short term but all it is doing is postponing the inevitable.

Depression – so the asking nicely didn’t work either so the depression sinks in. This can still be healthy though if we learn form it and not mask it with alcohol and other coping strategies. Depression is a way of your body half shutting down so that you mind can figure things out.

Acceptance – Even though you might not have wanted the relationship to end you finally reach the point you accept it has. Sometime there may be set backs when a song or place triggers memories but generally in acceptance more time is spent in looking forward rather than looking back.

It’s not due to a lack of partners being available in comparison to when we were younger. If you think about it, divorce rate is currently 1 in 3 marriages. So for every six people, 2 of them are potentially single. So the maths to me indicates it’s not a lack of supply.

There is the obvious bit that you have to be out there. I don’t mean literally loitering on street corners. But actually in a healthy frame of mind to accept someone new into your life and also either out in some sort of social scene (the supermarket does count) or tackling online dating.  

Sadly there is the social stigma that comes with being a single parent, which is we are desperate and will gladly accept any offer that is thrown at us. Throw into the mix that we supposed be grateful that this other person took on our complete package, and it is no wonder single parents get targeted by the wrongens in this world.

The truth is that most of us aren’t desperate and any old partner won’t actually do. We are older and wiser than we dated in our teens or twenties when our wish list was severely lacking in quality. Now we have a better idea of what we want or don’t want. We have a life, all be it revolving around school runs and homework. We have views and opinions that are based on life not just what the media forces on us. And as for being grateful they took on the whole package? (This one makes me fume) it is a considerable honour to be allowed into my family unit and be part of our lives.

So maybe its not that we cant find a suitable man because we are single parents, it’s because we have more respect for ourselves than our teenage years and we wont waste our time on any old partner.