Often when people ask me how I cope being a single parent I say fine. Because, on the whole I do. I feel the frustrations that many parents share and I won’t dream of saying it’s easy, but for me I have never known any different. From before the day my son came into the world I had sadly known that I would be his only parent.

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In 2010 the Government announced several cuts to welfare spending to make welfare more affordable, bringing the total welfare savings to £18 billion per year by 2014-15.

A calendar of the main changes to benefits and the benefits system is provided below.

Please note that detailed information about many of these changes is limited at present. Although some changes will happen quickly, others may take several years to put into practice. Some may also be subject to further revision at a later date.

If you are worried about the effects that the changes to the benefits system will have on your personal situation, we recommend that you discuss this with an expert benefits adviser. You can use the Find an Adviser tool on Turn2us website to find a local one.

January 2012

Housing Benefit

Change: the age threshold for the shared accommodation rate of Local Housing Allowance (LHA) will be increased from 25 to 35.

This means that single claimants up to the age of 35 will have their LHA based on a room in a shared property rather than a self contained one bedroom property. There will be exceptions for some disabled claimants, certain people who have previously been homeless, and ex-offenders who could pose a risk to the public.

This change will apply for all new claimants from 1 January.

For existing pre April 2011 claimants this change will take effect when their 9 month protection period from the April 2011 changes ceases so they experience all relevant changes in one go.

Existing claimants whose claims were made between 1 April 2011 and 1 January 2012 will be moved to the shared accommodation rate on the anniversary date of their claim.

For more information on Housing Benefit, see our information sheets HB (England, Scotland, Wales) HB (Northern Ireland).

Support for Mortgage Interest

Change: temporary changes to the Support for Mortgage Interest Scheme which were due to come to an end in January 2012 will be extended until January 2013. These include a reduced waiting period of 13 weeks and an increase in the eligible mortgage capital limit to £200,000.

April 2012

Benefit rates 2012-2013

See the Department for Work and Pensions website for proposed benefits rates for the next financial year 2012-2013 (link opens in a new window PDF file size 108kb).

Contributory Employment and Support Allowance

Change: people in the Work Related Activity Group of Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) will have their claims limited to one year. They will have their family income and savings assessed to see if they qualify for the means-tested version of the benefit. Any time already spent in receipt of contributory ESA whilst in the work related activity group will count towards the one year time limit so some claims will end immediately once this change comes in.

Change: ESA in youth to be abolished.

Update: Ministers to consider their proposed change to ESA after recent Lords defeats but have said they will seek to reinstate them when MPs debate the Welfare Reform Bill.

Housing Benefit (HB)

Change: a further £40million per year will be added to the Discretionary Housing Payment budget. £10 million was added in April 2011.

For more information on Discretionary Housing Payment, see our information sheet.

Income Support

Change: it is proposed that Income Support claimants who are eligible because they are lone parents will be transferred to other benefits if their youngest child is aged five years or over.

Date for change to be confirmed – see October 2011 Benefit Changes

Tax Credits

Changes:

• Further changes to the way Tax Credits are calculated so that the credit is withdrawn faster as income rises
• 50+ element removed from Working Tax Credits (WTC)
• If your income falls by up to £2,500 during the Tax Credit award year, the amount you get will not be revised to see if you are entitled to a higher Tax Credit payment.
• You will only be able to backdate new applications and changes of circumstances for up to one month instead of three.
• Increase of child element by £110. This change has been scrapped as part of the Chancellor’s Autumn 2011 Statement
• Couples with children must work at least 24 hours a week between them, with one working at least 16 hours to qualify for WTC. However, couples with children where one person works at least 16 hours and is entitled to the WTC disability element or is aged 60 or over will still qualify for WTC. Also, couples with children will continue to qualify for WTC if only one member of the couple works at least 16 hours per week and the other is incapacitated, an in-patient in hospital or in prison
• Couple and lone parent rates of Working Tax Credit will be frozen

2012

Benefit Cheques

Change: A new payment service will be introduced to replace the benefit cheques system for claimants who can’t be paid by direct payment (link opens in a new window) because they are unable to open or manage bank or Post Office card accounts.

Under the new system, claimants who previously received cheques will be issued with a reusable token so that they can receive their benefits at ‘PayPoint’ outlets located in local newsagents, convenience stores, supermarkets, garages and off licences. Arrangements will be put in place for people who need someone else, such as a partner or relative, to collect their benefit for them.

The Department for Work and Pensions will start writing to those affected from September 2011 to ensure they have time to prepare for the change.

Read the Department for Work and Pensions press release about the new welfare payment service (link opens in a new window)

January 2013

Child Benefit

Change: it is proposed that families will not be entitled to Child Benefit if there is a high-rate tax payer in the household.

Update: the Prime Minister recently (January 2012) insisted that the Government was prepared to “look at the way” Child Benefit was due to be cut and suggested that a new system might be proposed in the Chancellor’s March 2012 Budget.

April 2013

Council Tax Benefit

Change: reduce spending on Council Tax Benefit by 10%. Council Tax Benefit is to be replaced by localised support for Council Tax. Local authorities will set up new schemes to support people in their own areas. This will only affect people of working-age who receive help with their Council Tax.

Further details about localising support for Council Tax.

Disability Living Allowance (DLA)

Change: The government proposes to replace DLA with a new benefit called Personal Independence Payment (PIP).

This will involve the introduction of ‘objective assessments’ to decide eligibility. The stated intention is to target support on those most in need through this new benefit.

The government is hoping for a 20% reduction in expenditure by 2017 by bringing in this process. All working-age claimants will be reassessed.

Housing Benefit (HB)

Changes:

• Size criteria will apply in the social rented sector (eg council and housing association properties). This means that people living in houses larger than they need (under-occupiers) will have to move to somewhere smaller or make up the difference in rent because their Housing Benefit will be reduced:

14% cut in Housing Benefit if you under-occupy by one bedroom

25% cut in Housing Benefit if you under-occupy by two or more bedrooms

This is only for working-age people but it is expected to affect 670,000 social sector tenants if the proposal in the Welfare Reform Bill is introduced.

• LHA rates will be increased in line with the Consumer Price Index instead of the market rents in each area. The connection with actual rents will be lost.

For more information on Housing Benefit, see our information sheets HB (England, Scotland, Wales) HB (Northern Ireland).

Tax Credits

Change: Any rise in income of £5,000 or more during the award year will be taken into account when finalising your Tax Credit award

Benefit Cap

It is proposed in the Welfare Reform Bill that there will be a cap on the amount of benefits a working-age household can receive, capped at the level of the average working family income after tax – with the exception of those households that include a Disability Living Allowance claimant, war widow, or Working Tax Credit claimant.

Discretionary housing payments will not be included in the assessment of total benefits paid, and support for childcare through the universal credit will not be affected by the cap. No decision has been made yet on the treatment of localised Council Tax support under the cap.

A DWP impact assessment suggests a total cap set at £26,000 a year would affect 67,000 households. Over half the affected households are in Greater London, especially in inner city constituencies.

Update: During the passing of the Welfare Reform Bill through the House of Lords, they have voted to also exclude Child Benefit from the assessment of total benefits paid to a household. This would reduce the number of households affected to 40,000. The government will now have to decide whether to reinstate Child Benefit in the cap when the bill returns to the House of Commons.

October 2013

Universal Credit

The current complex system of working-age benefits and Tax Credits is to be gradually replaced by a new benefit called Universal Credit.

2015

State Retirement Pension

Change: It is proposed that means-tested pensioner benefits will be replaced by a new flat rate ‘Citizen’s Pension’ which is not linked to National Insurance contributions. A single pensioner will receive £140 per week and a couple will receive £280 per week.

These rates are more generous than the current State Retirement Pension. Current SRP rates can be topped up with means-testedPension Credit to ensure a minimum income of £137.35 per week for a single pensioner and £209.70 per week for a couple. The new ‘Citizen’s Pension’ will only apply to those who retire on or after the date the reform is introduced, not to people already receiving their pensions at that date. The current pension system will run alongside the new one until the last person receiving a pension under the current system dies. According to the Government, this is because it would be too expensive to offer the increased flat rate pension to existing as well as future pensioners.

April 2016

State Pension Age

Change: plans to bring women’s pension age in line with men’s will be sped up from April 2016 so that women’s pension age reaches 65 in November 2018. Pension age for men and women will then increase to 66 from December 2018 to April 2020.

Update: The Pensions Bill has been amended after concerns that some women would have to wait for up to an extra two years to collect their pensions. The proposed rise in the state pension age to 66 by 2020 is to be delayed by six months, from April 2020 to October 2020 capping the increase at a maximum of 18 months.

Change: Government are also considering increasing the pension age further still after this.

Update: It was announced in the Chancellor’s Autumn 2011 statement that the increase in the state pension age for both men and women to 67 will take place between April 2026 and April 2028.

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The conversation starts like this

Them  “So what do you do?”

Me “Erm…I erm…”

And then I add in a long pause and get more and more flustered.

The quick answer to the question is that I am a cleaner.

The longer, make myself feel good reply is that 8 months ago when my last contract ended as a funding officer for a local charity I realised there were no part time jobs here, (well ones with fixed hours that allowed me to organize child care that is) so I had 2 alternatives, go on income support or become self employed.

Anyone I tell me story to say I should be proud; that I am not ‘just’ a cleaner, and I know this is true. To start the business I did the website, designed flyers, set up accounts and thought up the whole concept of the business to make it a bit different from the norm.  But Monday – Wednesday I am a cleaner.

I have been a single parent for 3 years, I did have a good job that made a difference to communities in Northern Ireland, a job that I felt proud to tell people I did, that I could talk about for hours.  Circumstances meant I moved and left that job and after 6 months of being ‘on the dole’ I got the funding officer job, I was again able to do it well, I knew what I was doing, it was again making a difference to a community.  I got a really good result in the job and got the charity a fantastic grant.  All things that other people thought were great and I could explain.

So back to today…

I have always enjoyed cleaning, with a tenancy towards OCD if I have the time and energy at home, and so I decided to go for it in working life and within 10 days of starting and advertising I was fully booked, and it has stayed that way for 8 months.  It is hard work as when I go to work for 7 hours, I am working all the time, no lunch breaks, no chats over tea.  But I do enjoy it and it is very satisfying and it DOES make a difference, I know this from the feedback.  BUT I am a cleaner and I am just never able to just say that as I assume people will judge me for it.  And I know it is also because I am a single parent that I feel judged more, a bit of a cliché I guess, single mum cleaner.

I don’t want to feel like this as it does bring me down and I worry people won’t see further than it.  But why do I care?  What does it matter what I do?

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If you told me 10, 5 or even 2 years ago that my own child would look on me as mainly utterly mortifying I would gasp in horror. No not my little angel who would crawl up on to my lap for cuddles (obviously a long time ago) or the sweet child who would draw me hundreds of pictures covered in kisses for mummy. Alas yes that same child will be 16 years old this year and I am no longer cool. Not that I was up there with all the other cool mothers. You know the ones your children go on about with a wistful ‘I wish you were more like them’ sought of tone. But at least she would walk through town with me.

I have tried to think what has changed. Was there something I did or didn’t do that expelled me from the cool club? I haven’t suddenly grown two heads or lost all my social skills. Nor have I started dressing like hippie or a bag lady. I even have really good days when I manage to brush my hair and apply makeup but this hasn’t redeemed me back into the cool club.

Over Christmas I think I found out why. On New Year’s Eve we had friends over, one friend being in their 50’s. (I would like to point out that this is not my age. I am still just 40…but only just and not for much longer) Said friend was quietly bopping away to the back ground music, the top 40. Teen thought this was funny and brilliant. If I do it – apparently its not.

So it’s not an age thing either so I can only come to one conclusion – Im not cool simply because I am her mum!

I have asked other mums if they went though the same with their teens and all came back with a resounding yes. I also asked if they were ever allowed back into the cool club. I can happily report that for most they were allowed back in and now bask in the lovely glow of being cool but a few did say they are still waiting.

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• There was no dishwasher or washing machine and I had to wash all the dishes every day by hand and help my mum do the laundry. Nowadays I have the luxury of a dishwasher and a washing machine just sitting there waiting to be filled, turned on and does the job for me.
• We didn’t have a car so no matter what the weather was chucking at us I had to walk to and from school and anywhere else I wanted to be. Currently the car sits on the drive for whenever we need it.
• Christmas presents were just one present and the obligatory orange. This Christmas my two both had around 10 presents each. Yes some were small silly things and there was no orange.
• There was no mobile phone, social web sites or any www for that matter, at times even no home phone. Now both my children and I have mobile phones, there is a computer in the house plus a laptop and they still manage to say the words “I’m bored”.
• We went through times of no TV. In this day and age we sometimes live our lives around the T.V.
• New clothes and other things considered a luxury like make up were Christmas or birthday presents with nothing bought in-between. This one is still a bit the same today but there occasion’s new luxuries can be bought throughout the year.

My life now isn’t that of luxury and wealth, far from it but my children haven’t gone through any of the above. Does this really make them any worse or better?

They have grown up expecting all the above as the norm. My situation isn’t unique and there will be many other families ‘raising the bar’ on children’s expectations of life. But with wanting to give my children a better life than I had, am I actually raising children who naturally expect more? If I had the balls and hadn’t become so accustomed to having all the above myself, I would love to see how or if it would change them if they lived a year of my childhood.

My teen daughter does pop in and read my posts from time to time. Sometimes I don’t know she has but I have a feeling I will know when or rather I will hear the scream when she reads this one.

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Benefits. Some single parents are entitled to them and yes some of us do claim them. They can be a god send to get you through the rough times and contrary to popular belief most of us don’t actually like being on benefits.

Caffeine in copies amounts to get you through the day.

Diplomatic. Christmas, birthdays and other important dates call for your best diplomatic skills to make sure everyone is happy (including you)

Economical. You learn fast how to be economical with your money, heating, food, electric, water…..basically the lot.

Family. You’re still a family when you’re a single parent; it’s just a bit smaller. The rest of your family is also very important. They may be called on for advice, emergencies and other ‘oh drat, what do I do now’ moments.

Google. This one can cover a lot of things. It can be a life line in the middle of the night when you’re worried about children’s symptoms. Or maybe a quick look up on how to cook a certain vegetable. Or even just too look up other like minded people.

Happiness. Find it every day as life really is too short to hold a grudge and spend time being unhappy.

Insecure. Those moments when you worry you’re not being a good enough parent. When you wonder if you’re doing any of it right.

Judged.  Sadly you may come across people who judge you for what you are, a single parent. Keep in mind its their issue and not yours.

Keep calm and carry on. Has been a favourite motto of mine for awhile because sometimes all I can do is keep calm and just carry on.

Lonely. There can be times when you wish they would just be quiet for 5 minutes. But then they go to the other parent or go up to bed and you realise how silent it is and how lonely it can be.

Money. Just when you think you have it all covered something will happen that causes a blow to the bank balance. Cars break down or fail MOT’s. Things get worn out or just give up completely. (No not you, I meant washing machines etc) It may be completely unrealistic to put money aside each month so I am not going to suggest that.

Normal. As a single parent we haven’t suddenly sprouted another head or suddenly turned green and grown scales, we are still normal people just like everyone else.

Overcome. There are positives to be a single parent. For me, it made me overcome being a nervous driver. It also made me overcome being shy, granted I am not the loudest in a room but I am not as shy anymore.

Plumber. And probably electricians. I can turn my hand to most things but not plumbing or electrics. I can’t afford call out fee’s either. I have instead a couple of friends who other halves are plumbers or electricians. Hopefully I never have to call on them but one never knows.

Quality. Its not the amount of parenting you do, it’s the quality of parenting. Yes I know we are all tired, crabby and just want the mute button sometimes, but always be there for them and listen. It may just be the hundredth time you have heard about superheroes but it’s important to them.

Realistic. Unless you wear your knickers over your tights and have superpowers hiding under your cape, be realistic on what you can achieve. The hovering will still be there tomorrow and fish finger sandwiches never hurt anyone so stop trying to be perfect and just be the best you realistically can be.

Screwdrivers. When I was married I didn’t own a screw driver. They were kept in the garage for man things. Now I have a toll box full of them. They do more than you can imagine and everyone should have them to hand in the home. They can wedge doors open, retrieve things from under the sofa and they are particular good for stabbing holes in the lawn to help with drainage. The last one is very therapeutic too.

Tantrums. Kids have them when they are small; ex’s have them when they are older. React in the same way – just ignore them.

Unprepared. I always seem unprepared for things and no I wasn’t a Brownie. I was unprepared how quick the children grow. I know everyone said that time flies etc but you always think your own children won’t grow up as quick. They do. Cherish every moment, even the shitty ones as it will soon rush by.

Vacant. From the vacant look I daily get from the teenager to the vivid imagination of the tween. The vacations you miss out on when money is tight to the vindictive verbal vent you get from some smug idiot who only view you as a single parent and not a human being.

Wellbeing. Yours. When you spend all day singularly caring for your children your own wellbeing may take a back seat.  Your wellbeing is, if not more, important. Take time out for yourself, stop beating yourself up and look after yourself too.

Xmas. Hate the word Xmas instead of Christmas but come on it’s an x.

Yourself. Be yourself and don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it wrong. If it works for you then it’s the right way.

Z- Err ok I give up on Z

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But what if there was no Christmas, what if the festive season and all the other yearly events like Easter where never invented? Imagine 365 days of nothing to plan for or celebrate, followed by another 365 days of the same. If there were no tv adverts or media campaigns telling us to buy and celebrate Christmas or Valentines would we actually write cards, give presents and get everyone together to celebrate. At Christmas we dutifully send cards to people we haven’t spoken to or seen all year but we must wish them a ‘Merry Christmas’.

If Christmas wasn’t invented these friendships might dwindle even faster. If we didn’t plan Christmas family meals would we actually sit down on that grand a scale and all spend time together? If we didn’t have Christmas we wouldn’t see the look on children’s faces as they open presents. We wouldn’t all pull together for one day of the year.

It’s very easy to disregard what I just said and insist that we would all do all of these things without Christmas etc but left to our devices would we actually?

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Here is how I did it.

For my lounge I used two rolls (2mtr in each roll) of contrasting colours. You can use whatever you have to hand.

For the string bit I used the silver ribbon stuff that you normally tie around presents. Normally around 99p for a pack of several rolls.

Glue and scissors.

I measured with the ribbon the length of wall I wanted it to fit then added a bit for it to drape and a bit for luck.

From the wrapping paper I cut large diamond shapes as I wanted it to fold over to give the flag shape. I learnt that on layer of wrapping paper tends to curl and do strange things.

With all the diamonds cut out I folded them in half to form the flag shape then lay the ribbon across the fold on the inside. I then glued the two flag halves together, trapping the ribbon inside. (My trial run with staples didn’t look half as good as taking the time to glue each one.) Now work along the ribbon till you have reached your desired length.

When dry, or like me soon as it’s made, I stuck the ribbon ends to the coving. I used masking tape as that’s all I had to hand and glue dots and blue tack weren’t man enough.

And there you go Christmas bunting.

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Being in the crafty mood I then decided to make a twig tree to go in the hallway for Christmas. It’s normally just the lounge that gets christmasfied so this is a bit of a first. I then decided to evolve it into a Christmas wish tree.

I managed to find several small branches on a walk and spayed them silver (Wilkios do gold and silver spray cans at £2 each). I left them as big as I could so that I could tweak and trim once in place.

I then got all glued up and covered them in glitter. Luckily I did this in the garage as now the garage floor and my boots are covered in glitter.

I found a glass square vase and put the branches in and then filled the vase with red pot-pourri to keep the branches still.

I asked the kids to name Christmas wishes and made them into gift tags. I think my kids may be pushing the wish boundaries a tad as one wants to be a superhero and the other wants a horse.

I then added some silver sleigh bells to keep in the red and silver theme and they we have a Christmas Wish Tree.

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I only have one tradition that I have inherited from my mum and that’s making those orange and clove things. You know where you sit all evening pushing cloves into an orange and then have sore fingers for a week. Each year my daughter and I endure the challenge and then watch it go mouldy but least it’s a tradition.

So I want to know your traditions. What traditions you do, wish you did or use to do?

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Off to the local stores I went. For me there has to be two requirements for a Christmas tree. It has to be taller than me and as I am 5 Foot and a fag paper that isn’t that too hard a job, the second it has to be bushy. I blame my mother for my fussiness as the Christmas tree of my childhood was one of those 3 foot tinsel things that you could still see through after throwing a tonne of garish tinsel and baubles at. Several shops on I found the perfect tree. Its 6 foot splendour of full bushy branches was going to be mine. Fast forward a few weeks of saving and last week I went back to purchase the tree. I marched in heading straight for the trees. I searched high and low in their ‘Winter Wonderland’ but couldn’t find my tree. I asked a sales lady where the £50 tree was I saw a few weeks earlier, she pointed to a separate tree on its own. Yes that’s the one, where is it I asked her, I meant where the box was so I could buy it and presumed the sales lady was equipped with crystal ball. Its there she repeated and pointed again. I looked at her a bit quizzing. Was she daft or was it me. I mimed out a box shape and again she pointed at the tree on its own. She finally led me to the tree and pointed behind the tree to the boxes stacked up. You see it was so bushy and tall (tick, tick) that I couldn’t see the boxes. You would think alarm bells at its height and girth would flash now but no they didn’t. I would have liked to have said that I bought the tree and all was well. But it appears that trees are heavy then you give them credit.

The box was too heavy to carry so I used a trolley, one of those see-saw things that the kids use to love to bounce on. Putting the tree on the trolley pushed the trolley into the tinsel display sending tinsel flying. Aware that I was being watched by the queue at the till I realised I had to make the heave from floor to trolley count. With as much energy as I could muster I picked the box up and flung it on the trolley. Trolley and tree shot down the aisle taking out the decoration display. From there to the till and then to my car I managed to knock over another two displays till finally arriving safely home with my prized tree.

Of course the most important thing on my kid’s minds was where the tree would go. We plan this out every year and the previous descendent always fitted nicely in the corner. Not this year. It all the kafuffle of knocking displays over I didn’t notice that the tree wasn’t actually 6 foot tall but 7 foot 6 inches. (Really must start wearing my glasses more) and of course as a tree gets taller it gets wider. The whole of the lounge, which is a lounge/dinner/office has been moved around to accommodate the 44 inch diameter of the new tree.

Before you ask, no the tree isn’t up yet but I am just trying to be prepared.

So I have learnt that asking the ex to do something still takes 2 years to complete the task, that me and trolleys don’t mix and for someone who has worked with measurements all her life ( curtain maker then in the building trade) I am crap at it. Photos of decorated beautiful HUGE tree will no doubt follow.

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He was sent 2 of the Light Strike Assault Strikers, 4 of the add-ons (enemy scanner, machine gun bi pod, refractor launch and scope) and a Light Strike ITS. Me being a bit unorganised I didn’t have the right batteries so for a few days all he could do was look at it and imagine what noises it would make. Once the right batteries were bought he then got down to the series business of playing. Neighbouring cats ran for their lives, anything that moved got shot at and even I was coaxed into trying them.

Trying to make some sense of his excited babblings I decided the best way to find out his thoughts was to ask him questions. The interview commenced.

You were lucky to receive two of the Light Strikes. If someone was looking to buy one for their son for Christmas which one would you say is better?

I cant choose out of the two that were sent to me as they both as good as each other.

You were also lucky to receive 4 of the add-ons. As these cost between £9.99 and £12.99  each, some parents might not be able to afford all 4 so which one would you recommend?

The scope, it helps when practising target shooting. The others don’t really add anything to it.

It took a fair few AA and AAA batteries to give the light and sound effects. How are the batteries lasting?

They still working a few weeks on but I do worry about the batteries running out. If it could have a rechargeable thing of some sort that would make it awesome.

The light strikes look really good but most of this is paper stuck on. This is obviously so that they can be made to an affordable market. Do you think the paper is a good idea?

Not really as it has already started to come off on one of them. But it does make them look really awesome and 3D-ish from a distance.

It has some pretty light affects; do you think this adds to the toy?

Mum you can’t say pretty that sounds girly but yes it does look good but when you were sneaking up on me I could see you a mile off.

What about the sound effects. They sounded pretty good to me, what do you think?

There good too but it would be cool if you could turn the lights and some of the sounds off as it would save batteries and would be like you’re in stealth mode.

You don’t have any brothers and we learnt that your teenage sister is far too cool to play with you. Would this toy suit a group of boys better?

Yeah on my own I can really only practising with the target thing which actually isnt very sensitive. I could shoot it round corners. If there were four of us with Light Strikes then you could play some really good games with them.

What’s the best thing about LightStrikes?

You don’t have to wear a vest or anything extra.

Ok Master Warrior before you go back to terrorising the neighbour’s cat what are your final thoughts on it all and would you happy if you had this for Christmas?

If you could turn of the lights and sounds and not had paper stickers it would be better and oh have a rechargeable thing of some sort. If I had brothers or neighbours kids had them as well I would be really pleased to get this for Christmas but as its just me I have got rather bored of playing it on my own.

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I can’t remember if I had any other reasons and if I did they couldn’t have been that important for me to have now forgotten them, but my main reason was I wanted some normality and consistency for the children. It was bad enough that they were going through a divorce and at the time my daughter was worried I would have a different surname to her. When your only 4 these things are very important.

Fast forward to today and I am still using the same surname. I don’t see any reason to change it now but it’s made me wonder was it odd that I kept the surname? Do most women revert back to maiden names on divorce when children are involved?

I did ask the children if it was odd and they looked at me oddly and said no as if it were perfectly normal.

So did/would you change your surname on divorce?

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I have been slightly cautious as I used to love sewing but that turned into profession.  20 years of sewing curtains, wedding dresses and prom dresses and now I don’t even posses a needle and thread. I don’t want my art to go the same way. It’s also very nerving putting my art on display for public criticism; I don’t know what people will say. It won’t appeal to everyone but I hope it appeals to enough people.

Ideally the site would be a lot fuller but I have requests to put it live so that orders can be placed….So amongst the stray bits of glitter, glue, paper cuttings and other craft paraphernalia I give you karoove. (Runs quickly and hides in the corner peeking out from behind my eyes.)

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They would also love to hear what your thoughts are on them so please get commenting below too. Imagine they are all websites, which you would click on, which one you wouldn’t. Let me know as much or as little info as you want.

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Ms Kelly has battled for the past three years which consisted of more than 30 phone calls to the CSA, multiple complaints and four tribunals.

Ms Kelly was repeatedly told by the CSA, which is governed by the Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission, that because he worked abroad and for a foreign company he did not have to make maintenance payments.

The judgement was awarded in her favour, however, after an upper tribunal appeal by her former partner.

It stated: “The failure to pay child support arises solely from advice given by CMEC.”

However, the government is due to change the law, meaning in future, single mums in Ms Kelly’s situation could lose out.

Under plans yet to be approved, support payments will be based on UK income tax returns, meaning that parents working abroad will not have to pay.

Ms Kelly was represented by specialist child support lawyer, Stephen Lawson, from Forshaws Davies Ridgway in Frodsham, Cheshire.

He said: “The government is on the verge of making a catastrophic error which will be hugely damaging for many parents and their children.”

 

You can read the full article over at the Bury Times  and if you would like to know about the planned changes to the CSA please see this article. 

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Mumplusbusiness.co.uk is mainly run single handily by Esther, a new mum. After her son was born, she wanted to start her own business as she didn’t want to send him to a nursery yet at a very young age. However she missed the social interaction that she would normally have working in a company.

I thought, wouldn’t it be great if I could find another mother who I could work with, who would understand my family situation and complement my skills.
I researched the concept online and could only find information about networking events and conferences. What was lacking was a focused way of finding a suitable mother to team up with. It had to be flexible and efficient not to mention highly practical.
That was when the idea of Mum Plus Business was born! The key aim of Mum Plus Business is to connect motivated local mothers in a similar position, who cam collectively support each other whilst also complementing each other’s skills.

What a brilliant idea. Do go and have a look, mumplusbusiness.co.uk , you never know what you might find and could provide the perfect answer.

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Chief Executive of Gingerbread Fiona Weir said:

The proposed timing of this change is disastrous and will plunge thousands of single parents into a stagnant job market with little prospect of finding work that fits around their caring responsibilities. In previous years single parents have been given plenty of notice of these changes and time to prepare, but the government is rushing this legislation through and will catch single parents unawares. It makes much more sense to delay the change until 2013 when newly-announced childcare support will be available for part-time jobs, which will help single parents of young children balance work and parenting.”

New figures released this week by the Office of National Statistics show that unemployment has risen to 2.57 million , a 17 year high. Alarmingly, most of the recent job losses have been for part time roles . Jobs that fit around school hours are crucial for single parents, but they often struggle to find work that they can balance with looking after their child. The introduction of childcare support for those working under 16 hours from 2013 will make this much easier for single parents to manage.

So realistically what can you do?

Book an appointment with your local Loan Parent Advisor – they can talk through the new changes and discuss with you your best options.

Check out Turn2us website. They have a benefits calculator to check what else you may be entitled to. They also have a very good grants section so if your thinking of setting up your own business they maybe grants available to you.

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What’s it like living with M.E*? When I was first diagnosed I adjusted my life to get rid of stress and for the past 4 years it’s been fine. I would get tired a bit quicker than I use to, I would start to hurt a bit here and ache a bit there but I put it down to getting older. I didn’t realise it was warning signs.

But now it’s a bit different. I ‘crashed and burned’ several weeks ago. Imagine you have flu, you know that bit when everything hurts to the point that brushing your hair hurts. It’s like that, now on top of that add in some back, neck and shoulder pain, ( and any other joint that randomly wants to join in) the pain is excruciating and there constantly and that’s after painkillers.  Now add in some brain fog, dizziness and a general feeling of being ‘wobbly’. Oh and of course you’re tired. Tired as in you have just run a marathon whilst carrying a ton weight.

This is what it is like for me but the awful thing is that a lot of people have it a lot worse than me. Some people will have it a lot worse for many years; some may never have periods of remission. I am hoping I can get mine back under control but that takes time and patients.

I have to pace myself. I think of myself as if i was a mobile phone battery. If I let my ‘battery’ run out, like i did this year, it takes awhile for the battery to be recharged. Whilst it’s charging it has limited resources and doing too much empties the battery out. At the moment I think my battery is running on just under a ¼ charged so I have a little way to go yet. This is where the frustration kicks in. I want a full battery now. I want to be able to do the things I use to be able to do, I don’t want to do marathons just have a life where i am not tired. I want the doctor to give me some sort of medicine to make it all go away but he can’t as there is no cure.

At the moment recovery is going well. My doctor can’t refer me on to a specialist as ours just retired and isn’t being replaced but my doctor is trying his best. It could all be a lot worse and there are many people in lot worse situations.

*ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis), CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)

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At the moment families can get working tax credits to cover up to 70% of their weekly childcare costs BUT only if they are working 16 hours or more a week.

It will come into force in 2013, the same time they are introducing the universal credit – a single payment consolidating existing in-work and out of work benefits like child tax credit, working tax credit and jobseekers allowance.

You can read more of what the ministers are saying on it at the BBC 

For Labour, shadow work and pensions secretary Liam Byrne said the government had already reduced childcare support from 80% to 70% of weekly costs as part of a general squeeze on benefits.

“Today’s announcement is frankly smoke and mirrors,” he said.

“It won’t mean a penny more help for parents already struggling on childcare tax credits. Universal credit is now set to lock in a ‘parents’ penalty’ that cuts back childcare payments so hard that many parents will be forced to give up work.

“With parents struggling to make ends meet, it beggars belief that the Tories are stopping parents working the hours and shifts they need by taking away their childcare.”

Do you think its enough to enable people with children to be able to afford to get back into work?

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As a new mums we very proudly get ‘little cute child’ to say “fank you” and “pees can I have” for all and sundry to show how good a parent we are that we have taught our child manners. We sit back on our laurels and tick off another task won. BUT we stop there. As if the jobs done.

I have a noticed that people I meet who are older than me, have all the manners that were drummed into them as they grew up.  There are from the older generation where manners where thought more of. As I meet people of my own age it is a little bit hit and misses but mainly a hit. We are the children of the older manner conscious generation. But the younger generation (you don’t know how old I feel saying those words) are more miss with hardly a touch of manners. People with young children themselves are going through the “pees and fanks” with their young children but in life they aren’t using manners themselves. Children learn by what they are brought up with.

The older I get the more I realise how much I appreciate manners. The older I get the more I realise I have less if any patience with anyone who hasn’t even grasped the first steps, the please and thanks you. The older I get the more I realise manners are become something for toddlers to use whilst they are young and something for old people to whinge on about.

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That’s not to say that I haven’t had a bit of a wobble and a rollercoaster in between. But I do believe that it has given me some useful traits. I don’t judge, I am unselfish and generally see good in everything and everyone.

The wobbliest time was when I had my own children. Each time I held my precious new born babies I couldn’t help but wonder how my birth mother had ever given me away. With my hormones all a kilter and my self confidence down round my ankles, I imagined all sorts. Was my birth mum really so heartless to be able to have given me up for adoption? Or was I really just a throw away commodity that could be discarded when not needed (remember I was a new mum with a lot of hormones) . Did she really think it through enough, I know she would have had roughly 7 or 8 months to think about it but was it enough time to change lives for ever. These and many other thoughts churned around my head for a long time.

I really don’t know what the turning point was in my thinking but my thoughts and questions in my head did slowly change.

To be faced with that sort of decision is hard to comprehend. 40 years ago adoption wasn’t that widely talked about. Adoption was still talked about in whispers. It wouldn’t have been a light hearted decision and one, she no doubt, made with a lot of thought.

I don’t wish things had been different nor do I wish I could turn back the clock. I think being brought up the way I have gave me the right tools and maturity to see it from all sides.

You can never have any control over what people think, the life they choose or desicions they make. Half the battle is understanding just that.

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“Who’s glass is this on the side?” me, said with a big sigh.

“Mine I had a drink earlier” one of my children, you can pick which one.

“The dishwasher is only half full, couldn’t you have put it in there instead?” me.

Tuesday morning

“Whose bowl is this on the side and who left their glass on the dining table?” me, slightly fed up.

“Oh sorry forgot” one of them answers and puts both the glass and the plate on the kitchen side.

“Right guys can we all start using a bit of consideration, when you finish with something put it in the dishwasher. You don’t have to put it on the side if the dishwasher is empty” me, getting slightly frazzled.

Wednesday morning

“Whose glass is this on the side? What did I say yesterday about putting things in the dishwasher?” early morning so I am not the chirpiest of people.

“Its mine, I left it on the side as I was going to have a drink later”

“Later? How much later? 5 minutes or 5 hours? “ me just before I hit my head against a wall.

Thursday all day

Kids at their dads, no glasses, plates or bowls on the side.

Friday teatime

“Whoever left their plate on the coffee table please put it in the dishwasher “

Imagine shuffling sound as one of them picks up the plate and puts it’s in the dishwasher mumbling something about they were just about to do it before I asked.

Saturday all day

“Right there is two glasses in the lounge, one plate on the table, I don’t care who’s it is but someone put it in the dishwasher and both of you load the dishwasher together please. “Me, through clenched teeth trying not to scream. “Without killing each other for once please”

“It’s not my stuff, I didn’t leave it there” they both answer!

Sunday all day

They are at their Dads and the house is quiet and tidy. Proof I am not going mad and its not me leaving the glasses, plates and bowls on the side.

Monday morning

Start at the top and repeat.

If any one can tell me when this repetitive cycle actually stops do let me know.

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1-It’s very annoying when the she borrows something of mine and it looks ten times better on her.

2-They change their minds a lot, quickly and without telling anyone. Mine loves fennel. I personally can’t stand it. Dutifully as a mother I made space in my veg patch and lovingly grew some fennel for her. On proudly showed her what I have grown for her, her response is in a very matter of fact tone, she doesn’t like fennel now.

3-Just when you think you have this parenting thing under control, they do something that completely throws it all out again

4-The older they get the more they say “it’s not my fault” like it’s the get out clause for everything.

5-Asking a teenager to go across the road to get milk in drizzle without getting changed or applying makeup first is like asking a for sunshine in summer.

6-I have learnt that asking her to make me a cup coffee is the biggest gauge on her mood. If the coffee is strong she is a tad pissed off or tired. If it’s milky then she is happy. If she offers to make me a drink it’s my queue to be worried and brace myself, oh and hide my purse.

7-One bathroom in a house with a teenage girl just doesn’t work.

8-If I can’t find anything I now try her room first.

9-Life with a teenager is dramatic. The world is close to ending on a daily bases.

10-Every moment really is precious as 15 years has gone by in a flash.

11-No matter how cute they are, how dinky their little feet are or how snugly they are when they curl up next to you on the sofa; one day they are gangly, leggy things taking over the whole sofa.

12-Don’t wish away their childhood, don’t rush to their next milestone instead enjoy the now. They have the rest of their lives to be grownups.

13-Those cute baby feet grow into smelly expensive feet.

14-Cherish every sticky fingered hug and every “ove you mummy” moment as the hugs get rarer and the “I love you” are normally followed by a “can I have?”

15-There are brief and rare moments that they astonish you, they do something thoughtful or say something wise beyond their years filling you with pride and warm fuzzy feelings.

And whilst sitting thinking of 15 things about them they wind up and annoy their brother and world war 3 is looming yet agian.

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One week later they had no plans of letting me go anywhere. My massive bump was getting distressed and I wasn’t getting any better. Fast forward a few hours, several doctors and midwives and some incoherent swearing from me and Hollie was under a sun lamp getting her first tan.  As she was getting cooed over by dad and nurses over on the other side of the room I was being treated to electric cold blasting fans to cool me down and impressive array of more doctors and nurses stitching and sorting. (We won’t dwell on that bit)

Needles to say I don’t really remember much of the following 24 hours apart from one thing.  There was a lady whose sole job was to give new mums a cup of tea and a quick NHS make over. This woman was like a god to me. She brushed my hair, gave me a wash and helped me brush my teeth. She then helped me drink a cup of tea. I have never been a tea fan, the mere smell makes my top lip curl and if i drink it by mistake i can do an impressive impersonation of a cat with fur balls. But this cup of tea was the best drink i think i ever had tasted.

So to my dear teenager, who has now turned 15, I wish you a very happy birthday.

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• It’s a myth that having every expensive potion makes you beautiful – It just makes you poorer and the manufacturers richer. If you can afford expensive products then that’s fine but half the trick of the products are how they make you feel. The smells and textures smell and look expensive. If the cheaper products do the trick for you then you’re not actually missing out.

• Its a myth that beauty is only skin deep – You could have the most flawless skin with eyes to melt the most harden but have a mouth like a sewer and plotting your next murder then you won’t be seen as a really beauty but a nut job.

• It’s a myth that you don’t need a beauty routine or it will take all morning – the important bit is to have a routine that suits your skin type and situation.

• Its myth that your diet doesn’t matter – You get out what you put in, how good or bad your diet is reflects directly in your skin.

• Its a myth that the more make up you put on the more beautiful you look –  Make up doesn’t look better the more you put on, quite the opposite – make up should enhance the good bits and detract from the bad bits. Trowling it on with a brickies trowl and you’re not only looking fake and plastic but also not doing an awful lot of good to your skin.

• It’s a myth that you can look like the models in the magazine – Striving to look like a perfect model isn’t beauty. Be realistic and work with what suits you. Be you.

• One thing that isn’t a myth – The real key to real beauty is accepting oneself.

Of course I was probably told all the above by my mother when I was a teenager but being a typical teenager I didn’t think my mother knew what she was talking about. As a devoted mother to a teenage daughter who equally thinks I don’t know what I am talking about half the time,  I will carry on the legacy and tell the above to her.  She of course will not listen but will realise in about 30 years time that the glamorous granny in the corner might actually have known a thing or two.

Do you have a few beauty myths you want to expose or a rant about beauty boiling up inside? Join in with Transatlantic Blondes Feminist Friday

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Over at Only Dads blog, Bob has been talking with some other single parents about the possibility of using a #hashtag. It would mean that single parents can find each other easier for support, a quick natter and share information. It would also mean that organisations like Gingerbread can join in and find lone single parents easier too.

The suggestions so far are #SPS #singleparentsupport #spsupport…

Like Bob I think this is a brilliant idea hence I am supporting the idea and asking you to pop along to Bobs post Single Parent Support and Twitter and share your thoughts and ideas.

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Now that I work from home I have wondered if I should still expect them to help around the house. I am sure the same question has floated through the children’s heads too. They probably think my day consists of about 5 minutes of work and the rest of the time I am having a party. I can’t deny I do take full advantage of the delights of shopping in the middle of the day and I can confirm I have gone outside to put the washing out and ‘forgot’ to go back inside to work when the sun was shining. But I do work long hours, the children don’t notice the days when I am at my desk at 7 and don’t crawl up the stairs to bed till the wee small hours.

My argument for them not helping around the house is rather short and limited. They are children; they should be enjoying what precious childhood they have.

Schoolwork is also important and they need to spend quality time doing their homework.

My argument for them helping around the house is that they make more than their fair share of mess so need to teach them they have to pick it up too.

Future friends, husbands, wives etc will thank me for installing some basic housetraining into my children.

It’s all part of the nature of being a parent. You teach them how to walk, then how to run, you teach them to share and play nicely. It’s only natural to go and teach them things from how to keep things tidy to the basics of a washing machine.

Things do differ from home to home with different situations and children’s ages, but do you think children should help around the home?

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I hoped for long summer days in the garden that resulted in impromptu bbq’s that lasted till the stars were out. It has rained and the days it didn’t rain it was either too windy or the kids had made use of the only sunny day and ran off into the sunset with their friends.

I hoped for leisurely walks to the beach, sand between our toes and sun on our faces. As above.

I hoped for getting in the car with the kids, a picnic and a sense of adventure. As above with also a hint of emmet thrown in. They block up all the roads around where I live. Traffic here in the summer is slower than a snail’s pace. Try navigating everywhere by the lesser known country lanes ends in disaster when you meet a lost emmets who has strayed on to the county lane and doesn’t want to move over to let you pass as it may scratch their car.  Can I just point out that these country lanes are indeed roads that can traffic and not a glorified garden path as one emmet declared through the car window.

I hoped for finally sorting out my wardrobe into a tidy and leaner space on the only wet day of the summer holidays. There was too many wet days and keeps getting put off till tomorrow. Tomorrow never came and now the holidays are nearly over.

I hoped I would get all the uniform buying out the way in the first few weeks of the holidays. At the beginning of the summer holidays the kids declared they only needed school shirts. School shirts were bought and uniform buying was ticked off the list. As the weeks went by the real uniform list came to light. Missing school jumpers have never been found, football boots actually don’t fit anymore…it goes on and on. So now in the last week of school holidays I have a long list of uniform to buy and my purse contents exhausted.

Next year I will organise the summer holidays a lot better or did I actually say that last year.

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It can be a couple of lines, pages or even just comments of support all are welcome. Pop along to the site and you can find ways of submitting your email etc.

It’s not just going to stop there though. Its all going to get set to David Cameron.

Jo says “I want to show him that actually the majority of us are the wonderful hard working ones, so do not blame all the problems of society on us. I want him to see the real faces and lives of single parents, that we are not the bottom society, and we should not be talked about or treated that way.”

For this to get to all you lovely single parents out there please spread the word. Even if you dont want to take part please pass it on to someone who may want to.

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I was brought up with both my biological parents and 2 brothers (one older and one younger), but even from an early age I felt like something was missing, I remember many conversations with my mum along the lines of:-

Me – Muuuummmm.

Mum – Yes child?

Me – I want a sister mum.

Mum – You can’t have a sister, I can’t have anymore children!

Me – I don’t want a younger sister, I want an older sister!

I remember being very adamant about wanting an older sister and for years it was written on my Christmas list for Santa.

Imagine my complete and utter shock and joy to find that I did indeed have a sister, but not just any sister, I had an older sister!

I can’t remember the exact age I was when I found out I had a sister (I think I was around 11/12 yrs old), but I will never forget how we found out or how it felt.  My parents called all three of us downstairs one Saturday morning and my father said “sit down, your mother wants to talk to you” (us kids were sitting there trying to work out who had done something they shouldn’t have done and whatever it was it must be bad to involve both parents), and then came the words I never expected to hear in a million years, my mum, looking very nervous and slightly shaken, said as quickly as she could “You have a sister, I had her before I met your dad, she was adopted and she’s coming down in a few weeks”.  I was in complete and utter shock.  I just looked at my dad and said “I knew it! I knew I had a sister”.

Being told I had an older sister didn’t feel strange or wrong to me; it was like putting the last piece into a puzzle, if that makes any sense.  I wasn’t worried about another person coming along and “stealing” my mum away, I wasn’t worried about mum “loving” my new big sister more then me, why should I be worried about either of these things! Having two brothers meant I was used to “sharing” mum, adding a sister to the equation made no difference.  My biggest issue was my feelings towards my mum, for a long time I hated her (please remember I was only 11/12, I had not long started secondary school, I was full of hormones).  I remember screaming matches where I would tell her I wouldn’t believe a word she said as she had lied to me for years, I would say things like “if I don’t do as I’m told are you going to give me up too?”, I felt not only had I been deprived of the only thing I’d ever wanted, a big sister, but that my life was also a massive lie, how could I believe anything I was told, it was as if someone had tipped me upside down and said “live like this, this is now normal”.  For a time I even blamed my dad for not meeting my mum sooner and marrying her so she could keep my sister (if only things were that simple).

I’ll skip “the first meeting” because it’s not something I remember too much about, it was all a bit manic really, there we all were, a bit shy, a bit nervous, a bit scared, I remember thinking “that’s my sister sitting right there”, it was all very surreal.

Over the years we made attempts at letter writing and phone calls, but for me it was all a bit strange, I desperately wanted a big sister and now I had one I didn’t know what to do about it, there was so many things I wanted to know about her/her upbringing/her likes and dislikes etc…..but she was technically a stranger, did I really have the right to ask her all the questions I wanted to ask just because through blood we were “sisters”?

The “crunch” came when I was 21, I had just split with my sons father and was a little heartbroken, not knowing what to do with myself I did what any other person would do, I phoned my sister.  It was arranged I would go down and stay, have time to just get away and get my head together.  I dragged a friend along for moral support (who later became my husband), you may be asking why I needed moral support and the answer to that is easy, I was going to see (and stay with) someone I hadn’t seen for 10yrs, someone I had only seen once for a few hours, someone whom I had only spoken with a hand full of times, admittedly those times we’d spoken it felt natural but there is a big difference between speaking to someone on the phone and staying in their home for 2 weeks.  There were so many questions in my head, would I recognise her? Would she like me? Would we run out of things to say after a few hours? Would the kids get on? Does she like marmite? And many more.

The journey down was pure hell, I was so nervous, my mind kept going blank, I had to be reminded to send the “we’re nearly there” text.  As we drove past the “meeting” place I looked out the window and saw a car, I looked at the driver and practically screamed “That’s her! That’s my sister!” how I ever thought I wouldn’t recognise her I don’t know! This woman was the spitting image of our mother, everything about her was identical.  We hugged, we cried, we hugged and cried some more, I didn’t know this person standing in front of me but on another level I knew this person like I knew myself.  Those 2 weeks went by so fast, we didn’t run out of things to say, there were no awkward silences, the kids acted like they’d known each other their whole lives, and I finally got to know this fabulous person who I am proud to say is my big sister.

We’ve been down twice more since then, we’ve spoken a few times on the phone and we email, I would love to go visit again but kids, life, dogs and 300 odd miles between us means there are often missed opportunities, but I will get back down there sometime.

Looking back at it all I realise how nasty I was to my parents, especially mum, but how was I supposed to react?  There is no right or wrong way for something of this magnitude; I had just had my life as I knew it turned upside down.  If I could go way back and change things then I would love to say that I wished we’d all had the opportunity to grow up together as a normal family, but in doing that none of us would be the people that we are today.

I don’t “hate” mum for this anymore, my mum made the decision she made for a reason, whatever reason that is is her business and I have no right to judge her for that.

Do I hate my sister for bringing all this to light? The answer to that is a very easy no, how can I hate someone who didn’t ask for this! She has every right to know any medical background that could potentially affect not only her life but the life of her children and the only way to do this is to find her biological parents, anything else after this all comes down to each individual involved.  I have made the choice to have this person in my life.  I do not give her the label “adopted-out half sister”, to me she is purely my sister and she is aunt to my children.  I do hope that one day we could have a closer relationship but if that does not happen it is ok, I am just pleased to have been able to have the opportunity to get to know her.

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My birth mum took longer to reply to the first letter, as she had married and now had three children with her husband. He knew of me and my adoption but her children didn’t.  She, sensibly, took time to discuss if replying was the right thing to do and to also explain to her children what was happening.

It was several months after I had met by birth father that my birth mother and I arranged to meet. As the two grandmothers still lived in the same houses, which were actually just streets apart, she had arranged to stay with her mum for a few days  and I went up to stay with my birth father. It was arranged that we would meet up on the Sunday afternoon at her mother’s house. Nerves were starting to get to me, so my birth father dragged me out for a walk.

We were walking down the street talking about nothing when he suddenly stopped and said he was sorry it was going to happen like this. He was looking at a woman walking down the street with some groceries in her arms. She looked like any other ordinary woman in the street, apart from one thing; she was the exact image of me. The hair, the eyes, the bone structure, her height, her build, everything was just like me. She of course didn’t look like me; it was more that I looked like her, as she was indeed my birth mother. There was no need for introductions; we all knew who each other was. The closest way to explain the impromptu meeting on the street is to imagine you never saw a mirror in your life and then suddenly seeing yourself for the first time. I think I just stared at her for what seemed like hours and not the seconds it actually was.

By the afternoon ‘meet up’ I had composed myself and got over the shock of looking like someone and managed to stare less. I met my grandmother and my birth mum (again) over good old fashioned tea and cake. Family photo albums were dragged out and dusted off as I had a whistle stop tour of the family tree in pictures.

Over the following months I met her husband and my half sister and half brothers. There was never any resentment or atmosphere, but I was very aware that this was her family now. I stayed in contact with my birth mum for many years, although now we have no correspondence. I know where she is and she knows how to get in contact with me if she ever wanted to.  I never asked why she put me up for adoption nor has she felt the need to explain. She had her reasons and I am very sure she didn’t go into the adoption without agonising and thinking about it first.

One good thing that came out of it all was my friendship with my half sister. We have spent time together and got to know each other. We have children of similar ages and they have all met. We’re not great talkers, but the moment we do contact each other it’s like there has been no silence in-between. We both know we are there for each other like any other sisters would be.

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My birth father had gone on to marry, though hadn’t had any more children and he and his wife offered to come down to my neck of the woods so that we could meet. They booked a week’s holiday and we arranged to meet up the second day.

Although I had got to know him very well through our letters there were still nerves on both sides. We knew what each other looked like from photos but actually seeing and speaking to someone in the flesh is a whole other level.

Would he like me? Just because I was technically his daughter didn’t automatically mean he would. Would I be what he was expecting? Would I have any of his traits?

I can’t tell you much about the first time we met as it was a blur of emotions, hugs and huge smiles. I know I was there, he was there and his wife and my boyfriend (didn’t last) was there. There was a pub and a meal. But that is about all I can recall. When we said our goodnights I had to rely on my boyfriend to retell the whole evening to me. I then cried, a lot. Not tears of upset or anger, just tears streaming down my face.

The rest of their week with me rushed passed. We did all the touristy things but I think both of us could have visited Mars and we probably wouldn’t have noticed. We clicked straight away. We didn’t look alike but our sense of humour was the same, we liked and disliked the same things. We both had had the same sports injuries. There was also an unsaid understanding. I didn’t want to know why nor did I ask why I had been adopted and he respectfully didn’t rush to give his side of the events.

Throughout my search for my birth parents my adoptive parents knew I had started to look. At the very beginning I had sat and explained that I was going to start searching. I can’t say they were ecstatic about the idea but they supported me, they were naturally protective of me and didn’t want to see me hurt. They would ask how things were going and when my birth father came down they respectfully kept their distance. It was difficult at times as there were occasions when I was bursting to talk to them about my birth father, but also I had to understand that my adoptive parents were going through their own emotional rollercoaster too.

All those letters and the week together was the start of our father and daughter relationship. We are still in contact to this day and he and his wife come down to see me every year. Sometimes it’s just for 24 hours sometimes longer. We’re not in each other’s pockets all the time, but I know he and his wife are there if ever I need them. Our yearly ‘meet ups’ are like old friends meeting up and having a good time.

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There were two factors that did change my mind and start me on my hunt to find my birth parents. One of them was medical history. I didn’t know anything about my medical history. Did my mother have her menopause early, was there anything I might be allergic too or any family illnesses I could be lined up for.

The other factor was if I left it till later I may have children of my own. If there was a reunion and it was positive how would I explain new ‘grandparents’ to my children?  Would I have enough strength to go through it all and to help my children through it too?

I decided to test the waters. If my birth parents proved hard to find then it wasn’t meant to be.

In 1975 there was a change in the adoption law which enabled all adopted adults the right to apply got a copy of their original birth certificate and information about which agencies might have involved in their adoption.  I was adopted before 1975 so I also had to apply to the Registrar General for birth record counselling.

They talked me through the process and talked about different scenarios I may have to face. They contacted the adoption agency that held my adoption files as the adoption agency that handled my adoption had since closed. In the files were the addresses that my birth parents had lived at when I was born. They weren’t married or lived together and both still lived at home with their respective parents. The lady who was assigned to me from the counselling checked the two addresses on the electoral role. Amazingly my grandparents were still living there, neither of them had moved house.

The counselling lady composed letters and made the first contact for me. Within a few weeks I was in correspondence with both my birth mother and birth father.

If you would like to read more on adoption there is the What’s it like to grow up knowing your adopted article

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So what was it like being brought up knowing I was adopted? Well I was adopted at a month old so really I didn’t know any different. My adoptive parents were very open about adoption and would freely talk about it, answering any questions I would come up with. It wasn’t considered a taboo subject by any means within our family. I wasn’t treated any differently by anybody. I still got told off when I did wrong and praised when I had done something good. I think that because my parents were so open it all, I didn’t have any resentment. I didn’t blame them or my birth parents for anything and still don’t till this day.

None of my behaviour was blamed on being adopted or that must I have got different traits from my birth parents. My adoptive parents never said a bad word about my birth parents; they never met them or knew who they were. They never passed judgment on the circumstances that might have happened for my adoption.

I didn’t grow up thinking they weren’t my real parents nor did I ever throw the fact back at them in heated arguments. There were no brothers or sisters to compare myself to so I never had the feeling of not fitting in either. Childhood was all rather mundane and boring. Because I had been brought up knowing there wasn’t even the explosive teenage stage of rebelling because I had been lied to up till then.

So to answer the question what was it like to grow up knowing I was adopted, as a child I would answer with a shrug of the shoulders and say it’s no different. As an adult I can look back on my childhood and say I was brought up by parents who embraced controversy with a smile.

If you would like to read more about adoption, there is the Finding My Birth Parents article.

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In my house, if I cook the same meal twice in one month it’s met with “oh, this again”. If I get all brave and try something new and exciting it gets poked and prodded like it’s landed from mars. No matter if I do my shop daily, weekly or monthly, at some point I have to think up something appealing, nutritious and standing half a chance that all 3 of us like.

Once I have finally thought up this wonderful meal I then have to, at some point, lug it all back from the shops, prepare, cook and serve it up. Once meal time is over its then the dishwasher battle with arguing siblings about whose turn it is or who isn’t pulling their weight. Just as I finally relax and sigh a huge sigh of relief that its over with it dawns on me that I have to do the whole process in less than 24 hours. But those 24hours aren’t food free; there is more topping up of tummies on regular bases. Mine are old enough now to venture into the unknown, commonly known as a kitchen, and sort their own lunch out but this is met with dramatically outcries of there isn’t a single thing to eat in the kitchen. The mere fact that I just returned from the supermarket loaded down with food doesn’t count.

There are two things keeping me sane, short-term they will return to school soon, long term I am thoroughly looking forward to the days they have grown up and invite me to Sunday lunch once in a blue moon. I shall remember every meal time whinge they have put me through and delight in whinging about their cooking.

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Its big, not a small thing that can be picked up easily and had to be moved around the lawn every time I mowed the lawn. Working on the fact that I roughly mow the lawn half the year once  a week and the slide had to be moved twice each time that’s about 520 times I had to shove, haul and drag the slide.

It’s been many things in its life time with us.  A lookout tower against invading ninjas, a easy way to check what was happening over garden fences (don’t ask), a part of a den and even a slide for the cat. The cat was not harmed in any way and although the cat is no longer with us it has nothing to do with the slide antics.

Two gardens down our neighbours quiet often have their young grandchildren to stay. There first visit their noses were peering over the fence at awe at our big blue slide in the garden. They would linger at out gate when they walked past just starring at the great blue thing we had in the garden. For the grandchildren’s next visit we help drag the slide to their garden for them to borrow it. The shrieks, giggles and “once more granddad” could be heard all day.

Last week my son finally declared that the slide could go but only if it was going to a good home. So today, the big blue slide was moved to its new home to 2 gardens up. My son is happy with this as he will be able to see its ok over the fence and the visiting grandchildren will no doubt be making full use of it.

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In the line at the supermarket, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

The checkout responded, “That’s our problem today.  Your generation did not care enough to save our environment.”

He was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.  So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s nappies because we didn’t have the throw-away kind.  We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.  Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the Wales .

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.  We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.  And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

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This week has been full of moments of human kindness amidst a week of horrors. With riots happening in places up and down the UK, reading my twitter feed was incredible, moving and just touching. First there were tweets of support for those in the affected cities. Then there were tweets and re-tweets making sure people were getting home safely or had somewhere to stay. Then the tweets organising the clean ups.

Thousands of people, who probably don’t know each other apart from twitter, were/are all reaching out to each other. Supporting each other, helping each other and just being there for each other.

There are days I hate the way we have moved forward with technology. How we all seem to forget the simpler things in life. How money drives everyone and everything. But there are brief moments I am blown away. Tonight I am all warm and fuzzy in side at modern technology and twitter.

To all my twitter friends who I don’t know at all and would probably walk past in the street without realising, you all are so lovely.

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I must admit it was definitely put through its passes. Cue one small and mighty smelly sporty boy and one ‘lives on a horse’ teenager. I think I spend most my life washing clothes ‘desperately needed for tomorrow or I will just die’.

Now to be fair poor little Persil was in for a tough time what with smelly, dirty socks and jodhpurs it also had to contend with a not a 30 minute wash like it said on the bottle but 15 minute super wash from super doper washing machine.

First up to test was the horse riding kit on a 15 minute wash. (Yes I know the bottle says 30 minutes.)

Results – Top and socks came out clean. The jodhpurs weren’t super clean but I think I may have fainted if it had got that much dirt out in 15 minutes.

Next wash the boys shorts, t shirt, underwear and my biking gear on a 15 minute wash.

Results – Impressed me. A lot. Check out my socks before and after.

Next was another horse riding wash, but this time I tried it on the normal hour wash.

Results – Jodhpurs look like new. Considering my daughter had spent about 8 hours on and off horses, mucking out and poo picking, for these to come out spotless is a miracle. I can defiantly say these are the cleanest they have ever been.

Overall – I was a bit unfair in testing it on such dirty clothes on a 15 minute cycle but I am not technical enough to completely re-programme a washing machine so had to use what i have. None of us have come over all itchy as I feared so that is a big plus. The results were impressive enough for me to keep a bottle in the cupboard for the really dirty stuff, my budget doesn’t quiet stretch to buying it all the time but I will be when I can afford it.

Lastly the kids knew I was testing Persil out so offered their verdict. “It smells lovely” and “can you use it all the time as it smells so nice” and no it didn’t make them do cart wheels.

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“Hi how are you?”

Not wanting to be impolite I whispered back “fine thank you”

“How’s mum?”

I was now rather confused as I didn’t recognise her but she obviously knew me or at least my mum. “She’s well thank you” I whispered back.

I shuffled forward in the queue and she dully followed and the whispered again.

“I am going to have to go” she paused and I wondered what I should say. Before I had chance to ask if she was OK she carried on “there is a strange lady talking to me”

She then turned just enough for me to spot the wires of the ear piece from her phone. She hadn’t been talking to me but had been on the phone the whole time.

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Last Sunday I thought I better get some practise in before our first midweek ride. Its not just the fact that I hadn’t been on a bike in about 11 years that was filling me with fear, or the fact that I really would have to squeeze myself back into those really unsexy and unforgiving padded cycling shorts but the fact that when I did use to ride a bike I was about as stable as a toddler on their first bike. Confidence in bike riding I seriously do lack.

Of course I had triumphantly chucked my old cycling shorts so new ones had to be bought. The problem with new shorts is that the padding doesn’t sit that well with your natural shape. I personally do think walking should be done with legs close together, the padding in the cycling shorts assumes you want to adopt a John Wayne type stance. My first task after getting over the shock of being in lycra again, was to actually walk like a normal person.

If you were out and about last Sunday in my town and saw a bandy legged woman pushing, yes pushing, her bike to the cycle trail just half a mile from her home, I can confirm it was me. I had to ease myself into all this rather gently and I wasn’t about to make my first wobbles on the road side.

A couple of hours later I was safely home. I had managed it. I hurt; I hadn’t knocked over any other cyclist or walkers, I couldn’t walk properly and had swallowed more flies than I really should have. But I had done it.

The ride with my daughter I felt I was more confident. She wouldn’t let me wear my cycling shorts as people might see us together. I even managed to ride to the cycle trail (this really is a big thing for me). My confidence was starting to return even more till my daughter complained that I rode like a 2 year old. I didn’t realise till she pointed out that I put my feet down when manoeuvring things. She also complained I didn’t go fast enough and I would never get my confidence fully till I had the wind in my hair.

I resisted the urge to shove her into the nearest hedge as that really wouldn’t be that adult of me. I also resisted throwing a strop, turning round and going home. It was actually nice to be doing something with her that didn’t cost money, that wasn’t hurting my ears (teenage music) and was actually quiet fun and enjoyable.

So it appears my daughter and I might have a new hobby to do together. Though next time I will insist on one thing, I will be wearing my cycling shorts no matter how much it embarrasses her.

I do hope you understand the lack of photos. I could offer a photo of my daughter cycling off into the distance and although she has a nice behind this would be as about fair as seeing me squeezed into lycra. 

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So what is actually growing in the veg patch at the moment?

Well the melon pear has started to produce tiny fruit. It is quiet exciting to be growing something that most people haven’t heard of. I hope it will taste as good as I am hoping.

Melon Pear now has small fruit

 Completely forget that amongst the runner beans I planted some corn on the cob. Despite being terribly neglected it has started doing something. What it is doing I am not quite sure of but least its not shrivelled up and died.

rather neglected corn on the cob

This year is the first year I have attempted cucumbers and so far I have picked two and there are more on the way. It really is true though that once you eat home grown shop bought just doesn’t taste the same.

My first year growing cucumbers

The broccoli is on a world domination spurt. I am about 5 foot tall so by rough guessing the broccoli is now about 4 feet tall. I am not convinced this is correct and will be very surprised if it actually produces broccoli florets.

Broccoli going for world domination

 Another first, mange tout. I don’t really know what I was expecting flower wise but these two coloured purple flowers of the mange tout are really quiet exotic looking. (The blue bits are pegs holding the netting to the poles)

mange tout flowers - just so pretty

Lastly two questions – name the plants. The first I do know what it is and was something that got completely forgotten about and just left to do its own thing. Do you know what it is?

Can you guess what it is?

And what type of bean is this one? Sitting amongst the orange runner bean flowers I spotted white flowers so I have no clue what type of bean it’s going to produce. Any clues any one?

Can you name the bean?

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They are absolutely gorgeous with their purple ribbon laces and eco credentials longer than my arm. The real test is of course how comfy they are and can they last the day without being kicked off. I can honestly say I have lived in them ever since they have arrived. They are comfortable and don’t make your feet sweat even in the recent warm weather.

They also sent something for my daughter, a strappy cami top as that’s what teenagers seem to be wearing at the moment. She reports that it is very comfortable with no itchy seams and the adjustable straps are a really good idea.

My son is also a lot cooler now thanks to his new soft, non-itch, ultralite tshirt. He does tend to be hot sweaty boy with all the skatering, bike riding and tree climbing. Even I can manage to get it washed, dried and back in his room before he has noticed.

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No I had not had a mad moment, I had been asked to join in the Netmums Bingo room that had been organised on Sky Bingo. The Netmums Bingo Room is open on Monday and Tuesdays from 8pm to 10p. They also very nicely give you an extra £20 once you have deposited and played £5 but remember to use the bonus code of Bingo when you register. Once you have played £5 of bingo of your own money the £20 bonus is added to your account.

So what was it like? The account page and registration is easy to understand even for a newbie and the subtle grey and purple colouring is modern and easy on the eye. I liked all smooth and slickness of it and felt Sky knew what they were doing.

The Netmums room wasn’t open till 8pm so I had a good look around. Into the lobby I ambled. You’re first presented with a list of the upcoming games. By the time I had figured out what was what and what to press the chosen games was already started. Back to the lobby I went. After awhile I figured out to ignore the first few upcoming games as even my fast broadband with Sky’s busy network couldn’t make it to the game in less than a minute.

There are a lot of rooms to choose from. 90 Ball, 80 Ball, 75 Ball, Variety and Multi player. I stayed in the 90 Ball section. Even within that there are rooms to choose. Just some of the rooms are Speed for those who want their bingo fast and quick, the Value room where the tickets are 5p and the Pennies room where the tickets start at 1p. So there is a variety of games and tickets can be bought at varying prices. I liked that you can buy tickets so cheaply but I didn’t like the fact that if you stayed in one room the prices were not the same for every game. If you’re not paying full attention you could easily buy more expensive tickets than you thought you were.

There were though a few things that struck me as I potted around the site. To me an online bingo player is either there just to play bingo or they are there for the more social side of bingo as most bingo sites have a chat facility. The other rooms didn’t come across as particularly chatty. There was the usual WDW, 2TG and I never win in the chat history but there was a lack of social chat. Now this of course may be right up your street but it wasn’t till I went into the Netmums room and there was the chatty feel. If I am about to gamble the kids inheritance away I would like to have a good chat with friends as I do it. Yes it helped that in the Netmums room we all had the common interest of being part of Netmums , but I genuinely felt happy for the others when their names came up on a win.

The other thing I noticed was that because the ticket prices can change on each game there were a lot of people swapping rooms hunting out the ticket prices they want.

For me there were 3 main bug bears with the site. These of course are my personal preference. If I play bingo online its more the social side. I dotn want to feel like I am just part of a cattle market of players. I am there to play a few games of bingo, not to play on slot games as I know where the casino section is.

• The games were far too fast. The numbers were being pulled out of the virtual machine too fast for me. It felt too rushed even in the normal rooms, in the speed room it was just over in seconds.
• A quarter of the screen is devoted to a manic flashing of slots and games. If I wanted to play those I would go and find them in the casino section. I finally figured how to decrease some of the flashing by turning off the animations, but it still flashed away in the corner annoying me. Why have a casino section and a bingo section when a quarter of the bingo section is devoted to casino. For me it lessens the bingo section.
• The chat screen for me was too small. Sip your coffee and any chat you were having has disappeared leaving you to play Russian roulette with the slider bar to catch up.

So the important bit, would I play again?

No. The only thing that saved the whole thing for me was having a Netmums room. If that wasn’t there I would have given up on the whole thing a lot earlier. For me Sky Bingo is too geared up to just take money and doesn’t cater for the social side of bingo.

I am a member of the Netmums Parent Bloggers Network, a unique community of parent bloggers from around the UK who have been handpicked by the Netmums team from our database to review products and brands on their behalf. I am paid an expenses fee to cover my time (and childcare if the fee is big enough!) but Netmums have no editorial control whatsoever about what I blog about. Being a member of the Netmums Blogging Network means that I get to try out products and brands and get my expenses covered but that I retain full editorial integrity.

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I know there will be situations out there that an exercise bike designed for kids could be used in a beneficial way. But a part of me does wonder if it’s the start of a slippery slope. I asked my two children their thoughts in case I was being too negative. My daughter said it was healthier to be out on a bike in the fresh air. That kids don’t need any more excuses or reasons to stay indoors, computer games do that already. My son said that there was no fun in sitting on an exercise bike starring at a wall.

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So what can I do with a teen and tween for 6 weeks? They are too old for trips to the park to go on the swings and play dough isn’t appropriate anymore. I asked my teen and her suggestions were

• Walk in the woods.
• Treasure hunt.
• Feeding the ducks. (seriously but you’re a teen?)
• Bike ride.
• Picnic.
• Walking down to the beach as its healthy, saves on car parking and fuel.

She obviously is hoping for 6 weeks of unbroken sunshine.

For the past two summers I have made a couple of rules at the start of the holidays and this year will be no different.

Mention the word bored and they get given a carrier bag and have to fill it with junk/rubbish from their room for recycling/rubbish bin. Variations of the word bored also count.

I use the token system for the use of internet and computer games. They get allocated a bit extra to a normal week and then it’s up to them how and when they use up their tokens.  Tokens are blank address cards with 1 hour or ½ hour written on them to the total I allow them to use the internet or computer games each week. So if I only want them loose on the internet for 10 hours in a week they are given 10 cards with 1 hour written on them. The tokens get dished out at the beginning of the week and they have to give a token back to me each time they use the internet or computer game. Once they have spent them there is no more till the reissue the following week. Bad behaviour can mean a token is taken away.

I also make it clear that are times that I do have to work. If I announce I am working they have to amuse themselves for the set time.

I also make a list of all the small things that need doing and stick it on the fridge. This can be things like getting the neighbours papers from the newsagent, sorting through the ‘sod it’ cupboard or anything else I think they can manage. If they, unprompted, do any or help with anything on the list they can have a reward like extra tokens or later bedtime. Painting the whole of the outside of the house has remand uncrossed off each year but I hold onto hope.

Reading it back I am starting to think I sound like I am a member of the Gestapo. Honestly I am not but having the rules does insure we all know where we stand.

We do visit the library at least once a week. Luckily, ours is literally around the corner which means I can borrow DVD’s and return them the next day and only get charged 50p.

I stock up on felt tip pens, paper and any craft things I can pick up cheaply. Even teens have been known to while away several hours doodling.

I also stock up on cooking ingredients and encourage them to make surprise me biscuits or cakes. These are nothing more than the basic recipe and then letting them loose on whatever flavourings they want.  tip although spinach and pecan muffins sounded a good idea and did actually taste ok whilst warm, once cold they were disgusting.

Of course all of this can completely be thrown out the window if the sun shines. Then it’s pack up a lunch and get outside.

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But I don’t know much about fruit trees or any kind of trees so I have nabbed the lovely people at Tree2mydoor.com for a bit of question time. If you never heard of Tree2mydoor you can read about them at the bottom.

First off my garden isn’t that big, I have it in my head that a fruit tree would need lots of space. Are there any fruit trees that are smaller?

Yes there are loads to choose from! A lot of the fruit trees that we sell have been grown from dwarf root stock. When the trees are grown from dwarf root stock it means that they never really grow very large. Fruit trees grown from root stock are also known to be quite heavy croppers, so that’s another big bonus to them; they’re space savers and often pack lots of fruit too like the bramley apple tree.

If I lived in rented accommodation and bit loathed to plant a tree in the garden are there any that tolerate a container of some kind?

Lots of the fruit trees that we supply are container grown and will happily live in pots, especially for the early years of their lives. Just make sure that you give them a pot that is large enough for them to develop in, something really tiny would be a bit too restrictive. Some fruit trees, especially ones belonging to the citrus tree family, like our lemon trees and lime trees can be kept in pots their whole lives happily.

Don’t think you can’t trees if you are living in rented accommodation, It’s great because you can keep them growing happily in pots and eventually maybe plant them up in a few years if you ever move house.

The part of my garden that gets the sun all summer long is rather full of vegetables. I do have some space where the sun is only there half the year and half the day. Is there anything that likes that sort of position?

Hmmm this is a difficult one… most fruits will still grow in partial shade, but remember the amount of direct sunlight that a fruit tree gets is proportional to its crop. In other words if it’s partially shady then expect half the crop you would get in a really sunny spot.

My patio isn’t the typical sun trap but lives the whole time with no sun. Although lovely and sheltered from the wind should I give up trying to grow a fruit tree here or any other kind of tree?

If an area gets no sun at all it is unlikely any fruit trees will do very well in these conditions. The best advice for these spots, is to use them for your shed, storage, water butts etc. i.e. all the bits n bobs you don’t want in the rest of your garden, so you can leave more space to plant your lovely plants, trees and veggie’s.

Here’s a handy hint; type in your postcode or the postcode where you are thinking of planting a tree in Google maps – if the garden or patch is south facing, then you know it is a good place to plant a fruit tree.

Do you need more than one fruit tree for them to produce fruit?

It depends, quite a few of our fruit trees are self fertile, meaning you do not need more than one fruit tree to produce fruit. For example, fruits like the wonderful Stella Cherry trees, sunburst cherry tree and conference pear trees are all self fertile.

Sunburst Cherry Tree Gift

Fruit trees that are not self-pollinating will need to be cross-pollinated with a different variety of the same fruit species. Now all this sounds a bit complicated, but it doesn’t need to be so difficult.

Generally, a good rule of thumb is to have a bit of a snoop around the local area looking for other varieties of the same fruit species , if you see any fruit trees growing nearby or even better the neighbours have fruits trees, then you should be fine.

If I plant a fruit tree now will I have to wait several years for it to fruit?

No not at all! Our citrus trees fruit up to 4 times per year and you might be lucky enough to order one when it is in full fruit. Likewise most of our garden fruit trees arrive around the 4-6 ft in height area and are already fairly mature. Most of our fruit trees will develop fruit the first year, but after the next season and they have had a chance to settle in they will fruit a lot more prolifically. It is a safe bet that your trees will develop more as they go on, but that doesn’t mean they won’t produce any the first year by any means.

Three ball topiary Tree

Stuck what to give someone for a special anniversary or birthday? Tree2mydoor is a site dedicated to sending unique gifts to your friends and family. Like a Silver Birch for a Silver Anniversary or a Hawthorn Tree as an engagement present as Hawthorn is said to represent true love, partnership and commitment. There other choices too like Fruit trees, Topiary trees, Olive trees and many more to choose from. The gifts are sent with a personalised card and carefully wrapped in eco-friendly packaging.

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I think it has brought home to me that sometimes as a single mum I can forget that they of course having feelings and views on it all. So here it is without any editing or any input from me.

“Sometimes it’s good to have separated parents if you look at the advantages. Two rooms, two lots of Christmas and birthday presents. Once I even had two teas. It’s nice because you have the parent you can go to if your ever worried or need help and you have the other parent who can take you out.

On the other hand it can be tricky trying to keep each parent happy not trying to disappoint them. You might forget school books; you might leave them at the other house and need them the next day. The hardest one I find is wishing they were together. When I to my friends house who has parents still together, they all look one big happy family. I will never know what that feels like as I was too young to remember.

So there are my advantages and disadvantages of having separated parents.”

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In the daytime when I am working I like silence. I don’t even listen to the radio as it distracts me too much so I really am not up on what’s playing these days. So when did I suddenly realise that all the teen music sounds the same or that I actually didn’t like their choice of words.

I thought that it was just a case of being out of the loop too long and that the being forced fed the top 40 several times would restart my like for modern music. Alas after about the third repeat of the songs I was planning to release the CD out the car window in a Frisbee type move.

Is it something we all go through as we get older? Do our ears and minds eventually grow up and decide that they no longer like certain kinds of music? Am I actually missing out on anything by not listening to it all?

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I fear the summer weather of constant rain will resort me to this.

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In Alan’s demonstration they used pebbles as they were after a country garden look. Not having pebbles to hand or going for a country garden look I dug out some old marbles and glass pebbles that were collecting dust in the ‘one day might be useful’ box under the sink. I figured they might brighten up my rather dull, shaded and dingy looking patio.

What I used.

• Plant pot saucers – I used two different sizes
• Soil – they used sand mixed with a little water to make like silt.
• Glass pebbles and marbles – they used pebbles
• Quick drying cement

How I did it.

I put a layer of soil in the bottom of each saucer and then added my design of glass pebbles and marbles. If any of the pebbles, glass pebbles etc that you are using have an ugly and a prettier side make sure the ugly side is facing you. You working in reverse so the pretty side has to face down in the soil (or silt if you have raided the kids sand pit).

I made up as many as I could as I wasn’t too sure how far the quick drying cement would go. I knew if there was some cement left over I would be against the clock to put more soil and marbles into another saucer before the cement went hard. Once happy with the designs I mixed up the quick drying cement and poured into the saucers to the top of the saucer and smoothed off.

Wait 10 minutes (or whatever is said on your quick drying cement) and then gently lift them out. Turn them over and give them a good brush off and voila your own little round slab.

Not bad for a first attempt though when I make some more I will use sand as the soil although worked didn’t give an even flat top and harder to brush off. I will stick with glass pebbles and marbles as they do catch the light and look different throughout the day.

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If that wasn’t enough to keep me busy two years ago I embarked on a foundation degree through a distance learning college. To enable me to sit the final exam I had to submit a lot of assignments and gain a final grade of over 75%. The deadline was looming so May was an intensive month. I learnt from it all though that I have more discipline than I thought and although I like learning, it doesn’t get any easier the older you get. All the assignments have been handed in, marked and I am now waiting for the exam date.

So now were up to date and galloping through June. June’s resolution is to get some exercise into my life. It’s about time that I realised that just wearing trainers around the house or owning a sports bra doesn’t actually count as exercise. I’m not training for anything mad like a marathon as I don’t do running, its far too energetic and I have too much that could bounce and cause an injury. I am doing it because I used to be fit and I don’t like feeling like a use to be.

I have dusted off the antiquated exercise bike. The computer doesn’t work but the pedals go round and that’s about my level at the moment. I do a 25 minute ride 3 times a week. Starting off gently, 15 minutes of uphill and then slowing down. So far its going ok though how people do this kind of exercise in a gym is beyond me. I seriously think my arse is going to fall off each time I get off the bike.

At the end of this week and I am hoping to add in some extra walking. I normally walk to the shop which is a short distance away but have figured that it won’t take that much longer to walk to a different shop a bit further away. I am also considering adding something else along the lines of yoga/stretching sort of thing. I am still reading up on that one though.

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So when I bucked the trend of back gardens full of flowers with the odd tomato or herb plant and went with digging up most of my garden to plant vegetables it caused a few raised eyebrows.

With the severe lack of privacy settings it does mean that the communal path that runs along the back is the ideal place for the neighbours to note and comment on my success rate. No pressure then. Imagine then the comments when I started to grow a plant in a container that none of them had seen before. There was finger pointing and muttering till someone asked what it was. A melon pear.  For those who are the gardening type its proper name is Pepino or Solanum muricatum.

Never heard of it? Nor had I till a few months ago.  A melon pear is …according to the blurb … an ideal plant for containers on your patio. It will delight you blue flowers before producing fruits the size of pears but taste like melons. I decided to give it a go as my two children love melon but growing melons in a back garden isn’t really yield productive as they need a lot of space. This seemed an ideal compromise.

Mine is still thinking about delighting me with blue flowers but it is teasing me with small flower buds. The pressure is on for it to fruit. If I am not successful with the fruit I think I will be downgraded from revolutionary, by the neighbours, and merely called mad. If, though, I am successful I will be chuffed to say the least.

The picture isn’t my melon pear but what mine will hopefully look like soon. Thought it a bit more interesting than just a picture of a bush thinking about what to do next.

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My neighbour and I both planted our tomato seeds at the same time. Mr H being more than twice my age I know he is a lot more knowledgeable than me on all matters of veg growing. So when he re-potted his tomato plants, I duly followed. When he took his tomato plants outside, out mine went too. When I see him brandishing the tomato feed bottle, I rush to get mine. To me all the plants have been brought up the same and I would expect the plants to all look alike. (They are all the same variety too)

Mr H’s are only about 2 foot tall and stand very neatly in their rows. The leaves neatly spaced on the neat little branches (do tomato plants have branches? or they just stems?). They look perfect in Mr H’s very neat garden. Then we have mine. They are as tall as me which is 5 foot on a good day and are making a bid for freedom. They are missing a leaf here and there and their branches look like they are trying to reach into Mr H’s neat heaven. Mine are not neat in any way and look like rebellious teenagers.

There only saving grace is that they have several little green tomatoes growing.  This year hopefully we will be successful with the tomatoes.

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My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because, I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT..
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS ..
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck”

My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION ..
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY..
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

My mother taught me ESP .
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT ..
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite:  My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

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The UK could save £95.8 million every year by adjusting fridge and freezer temperatures by just two degrees, according to leading energy supplier, E.ON.  Many people mistakenly keep fridges and freezers as cold as possible assuming that it is better for their food, especially in the summer months.  However it means that households could be missing out on energy savings and it can spoil food.

As part of its commitment to get the nation energy fit, E.ON recommends that fridges are set at 5°C² and freezers should be at -17°C.  By turning up the temperature, households across the UK can turn up the savings on their energy bill.

Top tips from E.ON on how to save energy in the kitchen:

Fridge and freezer tips:

• If your fridge doesn’t have one, get yourself a thermometer so you know its exact temperature.  Thermometers are available cheaply online and at most large supermarkets;

• When cleaning, make sure the backs of your fridge and freezer are dust-free so that they are working at the highest efficiency, especially as we move towards summer and kitchen temperatures begin to rise;

• When it comes to your freezer, keep it at least three quarters full – the more that’s in it, the less energy you’ll waste.  Don’t overload the fridge though as it needs air to circulate;

• If replacing your fridge or freezer pick an A+ or A++ rated model to save on longer term running costs;

• Keeping extra portions of food in your fridge or freezer is a great idea, but make sure the food is completely cold otherwise it could raise the temperature and make it work harder using more energy.

Cooking tips:

• Cooking instructions often say preheat your oven.  Most modern units, especially fan ovens, actually need very little time to get going. So turn it on and get it in there;

• Cook your veg in the microwave. In contrast to boiling, microwaving helps it to retain its colour, taste and nutrients – and uses less energy;

• They say size matters, and it certainly does in the kitchen. Make sure the size of your pans matches the size of your hob rings so you’re not wasting energy;

• To save energy, only boil the amount water you need, or use and energy saving kettle;

• Opening the oven to check food wastes energy (and messes with your baking), so keep the oven glass door clean you can peek in;

• If you can, cook double the amount, chill and freeze what you don’t use, then you’ll have a home cooked ready meal to reheat in the microwave.

Laundry tips:

• By switching your washing machine to 30ºC – rather than 60ºC or even 40ºC – you can save lots of energy and money. A lot of the energy used to wash your clothes is used to heat the water;

• Depending on your billing arrangements, you may be able to save money by washing your clothes during the night when energy prices are lower;

• When it’s time to do the ironing, plan ironing as the sole task for half an hour, so you’re not popping off looking for coat hangers for 10 minutes while your iron sits there zapping electricity;

• If you’re going to use your tumble dryer buy an A rated one. They cost a bit more but use about half the energy of a standard tumble dryer and usually have a host of different drying options to help reduce ironing;

• You can always dry clothes on a rack inside the house – but don’t put them on the radiators. This only makes your boiler work extra hard and will cost more;

• During the summer, give your tumble dryer a rest and hang clothes outside to dry for free.  Plus, hanging clothes on radiators only makes your boiler work extra hard and will cost more.

E.ON recently launched www.eonenergyfit.com and over 100,000 people have already taken the short energy survey to receive tailored recommendations on the changes they can make at home to start saving energy and money straightaway.For the safe refrigeration of food, fridges should be kept between 0-5°C  Source www.nhs.uk

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When you encounter terrible twos or any awkward toddler age, there are many books you can turn to. Similar when you teenager starts to look at you like you’ve just landed from space when you ask the simplest of things, there too are books you can turn to. At last they have written a book for the Tween years.

You and Your Tween is brilliantly written by Hollie Smith, who has two tweens herself. She also worked with many experts when she was writing the book so their expert knowledge is in there too. The most important bit for me was that she also talked to hundreds of real life every day parents of tweens. As a single parent, back up in the parenting department is a bit thin on the ground. I have no siblings nor do I have school gate banter anymore so to read other peoples tried and tested advice is a god send. You and Your Tween is the sort of book I wished I had years ago.

You and Your Tween is laid out in chapters tackling different things at a time which makes it easy to dip in and out off when you need to. For me this made it less daunting than having to read a whole book just to try to find answers and advice on specific troubles. The eight chapters do cover, I think, just about everything I have or do worry about.

Conflict and communication - dealing with changing (and challenging) tween attitudes; boundaries and rules; talking and listening to your tween; consequences and bad behaviour.

School - transitions to secondary; helping with homework; coping with SATS; tackling problems and talking to teachers; school refusal.

Friends and peers - making friends; coping with peer pressure; when friendships go bad; tackling bullying.

Puberty, sex and relationships - helping them through puberty; talking about sex and relationships; tween love and romance.

Modern media - screentime guidelines; tweens and the internet; social networking; online safety, security and privacy; gaming; mobile phones.

Health and wellbeing - healthy eating & fussy eaters; staying active; drink, drugs and smoking; sleep and relaxation.

Emotional issues - confidence & self-esteem; anxiety, stress and the depression; body image and eating disorders; coping with trauma.

Independence - keeping him safe whilst letting him go; rights and responsibilities (eg pocket money and chores); pester power; preserving childhood.

Their advice isn’t away with the fairies and your not preached at in any way. Your not made to think you’ve been doing it all wrong, far from it. It’s realistic and down to earth advice from parents who have been there themselves . The book explains the whys and how’s a tween brain works which helps understanding tweens behaviour so much easier.

So the important questions.

Did I find it a useful book?- Yes and I will be dipping into it when I need it.

Would I recommend it to other Tween mums?- Yes.  At less than £10 it’s affordable too.

You can read more of what other readers have had to say at Netmums

Or rush over to Amazon and get your copy now. Buy Now (ISBN-10: 0755361091  ISBN-13: 978-0755361090 and available on kindle)

I am a member of the Netmums Blogging Network, a unique community of parent bloggers from around the UK who have been handpicked by the Netmums team to review products and brands on their behalf. I am paid an expenses fee to cover my time (and childcare if the fee is big enough!) but Netmums have no editorial control whatsoever about what I blog about. Being a member of the Netmums Blogging Network means that I get to try out products and brands and get my expenses covered but that I retain full editorial integrity.

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Until a moment ago I hadn’t thought any more of it. My daughter has just came down and given me a note.

Just typing the words out really wouldn’t have done it justice so I thought I would just scan it in.

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12 years on and nothing has changed. Jeans that I have long given up hope wearing again without inducing a hernia look effortlessly perfect on her. The little vest top look that struggles to hold it all together or indeed in on me is again perfect on her body given the fact everything on her isn’t trying to escape south ( or eat and west too). And just don’t get me started on jodhpurs.

And so the life of living with a teenage daughter is in full swing. By my maths I have 5 of the 7 teenage years left to endure. 5 more years of nothing of the girly nature of mine is being safe. 5 more years of practising being able to say she looks lovely without it showing on my face that indeed she does look perfect but makes me feel very old and past it. Wishing she wouldn’t skip down the path after a long day with such energy in front of me when I struggle to put one foot in front of the other after one supermarket shop.

The only saving fact in all this beauty and perkiness  is that I no longer think I am losing my marbles when I can’t find my moisturiser, shoes, top, necklace…….anything of mine. The fact is that there are no magic fairies that whisk these items away but in fact a teenager. If ever I lose anything in the house I now know it’s in most likely to be found in her room.

Don’t get me wrong her youth and beauty really is lovely to see and I am proud to say helped to create her. But it does bring home how much my own body has fast passing its sell by date.

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I worked full time for many years and just the process of getting out the house in the morning was nearly a full day’s work. Having two children they were at one point at different schools, at different parts of the town with different starting times with my office is a completely different part of town. Then there was the after school logistics to work around to. If all that wasn’t enough to think about there were school holidays and sudden sick days too. Once home in the evening there was less than 2 hours to get tea (if I had managed a food shop at some point) help with homework and spend time with the children before they went to bed. Needless to say I was permanently chasing my own tail and worn out.

Two years ago I decided to get some part of my life back and ventured into going self employed. The change in my and the children’s lives is huge. My commute to work is the arduous task of walking down the stairs. I finish my day when the children come home from school. I have enough energy left that if work needs doing I can when they have gone to bed. The children look forward to school holidays instead of dreading the farming out to various clubs.

I’m not saying it’s the easy option. Going self employed as a single mum is a challenge. Money is tighter but when I asked the children what they thought if I went self employed and the fact there would be less money, they were both more than enthusiastic. They knew it would make me a happier mum which made them happier.

You may now be slightly intrigued if you could be self employed. It doesn’t suit every one; you have to be self motivated and disciplined. If you’re a bit flaky on either of these then you may not be able to keep yourself away from the daytime TV when you should be working. It’s not an easy opt out solution.

If your still interested the next question is probably what self employed job could you do. Antonia Chitty has some excellent advice in her book Family Friendly Working, have a think about your skills. Write them down if possible.

• Can you cook, sew or take a good photo?
• Can you type, do shorthand or have other secretarial skills?
• Do you love to iron or getting to grips with a yucky oven?
• Do you have green fingers?

The list can be huge. Maybe you have hobby which could be turned into a business.

If you’re serious about making the jump I really recommend Antonia Chittys books. She talks you through different ways of setting it up, financing your idea and lots more. Two books I can really recommend are:

		Family Friendly Working – this has loads of ideas but also all the practical things you need to know beforehand. It talks you through the different ways to go into business, how to set it up and how to grow your business.
	Buy Now
		Start A Family Friendly Business: 129 Brilliant Business Ideas for Mums – if you’re stuck on what to do.
	Buy Now

Also have a read through a couple of websites that really helped me were:

Advice Guide

Small business

Business Link

Talk to the Lone Parent Advisor at your local job centre. They will talk through the financial scenarios as well as other help they can give like small courses on going self employed ( for managing your books etc). Once I knew some figures of what I could be earning I also checked the different scenarios out on the Benefit Checker at Turn2Us.

My biggest advice is to way everything up, make sure you have thought the cost side out really thoroughly. Talk with your children if they are old enough to understand,let them think on the idea and then see how they feel. Going self employed was the best thing I ever did as well as the most challenging.

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There is, though, one fairy I do very much believe in, the Fairy Hobmother. You may have heard about him before as he has been sprinkling his fairy dust around the blogging world. He turns up unannounced and grants wishes on bloggers comments.

Masion Cupcake wished for dishwasher and her wish was granted. Much to the relief of her old dishwasher, her husband. Single Dad is now a proud owner of a new washing machine and Mediocre Mum is now slow cooking lots of lovely family dishes. Many others have had their wonderful wishes granted.

So how do you wish? All you have to do is have a look at Appliances Online and decide what you would really like. Would a new cooker make your day or what about a washing machine? There is a lot to choose from. Once you’ve decided make a comment below with your wish. The Fairy Hobmaster decides where he will sprinkle his next fairy dust, will your wish be the next one?

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Whilst your there it would be awfully nice if you could vote for Confessions of a Single mum. You don’t have to do any registration of any sort, just click the little round thumbs up symbol.  You can even pop back after 24hours and vote again. At the moment Confessions of a Single Mum is just outside the top 25.

Voting closes on the 23^rd May so please support with your vote.

Oh and keep an eye out too for my good friend Not Supermum, she too is on there and would value your votes too.

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He seems happy with this till he goes to bed. He has obviously been worrying about the discussion and tells me I really should think about having a mid life crisis if Jane is thinking of having one on Eastenders.

So I think I am planning my own mid life crisis. I want to decide my own fate before a mid life crisis creeps up on me.

Men typically buy a sports car or a motorbike. Hmm both are impractical for me (hang on isn’t that what it’s all about?) and I am far too sensible to go for impractical.

Sky diving seems pretty standard to for a mid life crisis but I start to wobble at the top of my stairs so a plane is really out of the question.

Next to spring to mind are adding or removing bodily bits i.e. boob job or liposuction? No mine are big enough and ew lipo no way.

Dying hair an odd and vibrant colour and/or cutting it all off? It has taken me 40 years to discover my perfect hair cut so no I am not about to spend another 40 putting it right again.

Dress totally inappropriately for my age. Well technically I do already. Don’t hate me but I can still fit into kids jeans (they are so much cheaper).

Have a divorce and start all over again? Oh I have so been there and worn out the t-shirt.

This is harder than I thought, oh wait I have got an idea. Drum roll please……

My midlife crisis is going to be not having one. I shall just be practical and safe me as boring is the new exciting.

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Continuing my list of what I have learnt I move on to raising a son. In my house we are on birthday count down as my son will be 12 this week. So have I learnt anything about having a boy? Here are my 12 things I have learnt about bringing up a boy.

1 – Getting a cat to have shower is easier than getting a boy in the shower.

2 – Boys like mud, trees and anything that involves fighting kicks. Combine all three and you’re the best mum in the world.

3 – Homework and a boy is not a happy combination. There are tears and frustration and not always just from him. Oh and they never have a pen.

4 – Boys have an attention span shorter than a goldfish. Unless, of course, I am talking about chocolate or scooter tricks. Not that I personally do scooter tricks, he does, the mere mention gets his attention though.

5 – Boys don’t have a tidy gene.

6 – Boys talk nonstop, often the same thing 7 different ways.

7 – Boys have a constant energy that if it was bottled would make someone very rich.

8 – Boys can be surprising sensitive and caring. This is rare though so don’t get too excited or worried.

9 – Boys have smelly feet. ( even if you have mastered number 1)

10 – Boys will happily wear the same clothes every day forever. I am now an expert in the art of night time clothes stealing to enable them to be washed.

I asked my daughter what it was like having a brother….”annoying and smelly” !

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1 – I learnt that even though life has moved on from the Victorian era, some people’s views haven’t moved with it. Negatively and prejudices against single mums is still out there.

2 – I learnt that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.

3 – I learnt that there a lot of DIY jobs that I, as a woman, can actually do. I won’t be fobbed off with its man’s job again.

4 – I learnt that no matter how much I try there are things I will never understand or be interested in with cars being one of them. Hurray shouts my local garage.

5 – When life seems really hard there are friends that go beyond the call of duty. It’s so important to have a network of friends.

6 – Beans on toast every night is ok, right?

7 – They are days when you think you’re not going to make to the end of the day and days when you think you can take on the world.

8 – I’ve learnt that children can survive divorce.

9 – I’ve learnt that they are days I crave salience and days I hate salience.

10 – That it doesn’t necessarily get easier just the challenges change daily.

I asked the children if they have learnt anything in the last 10 years and this is their contribution.

Daughter – having two homes means you have to be more organised as otherwise your favourite jeans are at one parent when you want to wear them.

Son – having two bedrooms means you get nagged to keep two bedrooms tidy.

I have just added 12 Things I have learnt raising a son do have a read.

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Love Much

Live Well

Dream Big

Laugh Often.

I have worn my ‘exciting new purchase’ all day as I pottered in the garden and plotted my revenge on the neighbourhood cats. Every now and again the heart tings against the bracelet as if to remind you of the words.

I think the 8 words say it all.

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Back WIWY, come on keep up-article title, my mother would tell me about her child hood. There was no ‘would you like to learn to sew?’, it was a given certainty that you would be learning to sew. Utter the same words to a teenager of today and they look at you like you’ve completely lost the plot. My mother had to help make dinner and not just half heartedly empty a dishwasher. She knew a carrot from a potato whilst it was still in the ground. These were basic things she was taught just like all the other teenagers in her street.

As my mother brought me up some of these lessons seemed less important. The ever changing modern life suggested we didn’t need all these basic life skills so I was only taught how to sew. Has it helped me in life, was it a useful skill to know? Yes to all of those as my first job after leaving school was a seamstress. In actual fact I sewed right up until a few years ago. Need skirt mending, I was the girl. Need a pair of curtains made, I was there. I even made many wedding dresses as I could make any creation without the need of a pattern.  I now have a skill that if ever I need to turn to it, I can. The cooking and gardening skills weren’t taught to me and its only now as an adult I wish they had.

As generations watch the following generations grow and evolve, it seems to me as even though we are advancing positively in some areas, in other areas we are regressing at an alarming rate. Life at the moment seems to be all about wealth, possessions and gaining more of the both. If you’re poor you’re very hard done by. In previous generations more people were on the breadline, more people were making ends meet. Were they any less happy? As each generation had their own children, their childhoods made them determined that their children would have it different. The knock on effect that brings us up to present day is that children have a completely different upbringing and I don’t think it’s all for the good.

As parents we naturally want the best for our children. We don’t want them to have hardship or fail but are we actually doing more harm than good by letting them have everything and not letting them experience these things.

We all know the economic climate is changing. Jobs aren’t for life; there is no certainty or security in anything anymore. There are job cuts, redundancies, hours being cut everywhere whilst the cost of living is going up and up. Are we going full circle to a leaner way of living? We will actually learn anything by any of it?

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So what did I do as a new mum faced with a new hurdle? Just like most I phoned my mum for advice. My mother explained why she never sent me to my room and it’s something I have grown to believe in myself.

So what do you think? Should a child be sent to their room when their behaviour isn’t acceptable?

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..I know all us parents look old and wrinkly to you and we might not be as young as you would like but it may surprise you that we weren’t actually born this age. All parents were young once. It may be hard to believe when we struggle with what day of the week it is and sometimes even your names escape us, but it is true we have been there, we were kids once too and we know all the tricks. You probably think you invented the clever trick of just wetting the toothbrush, alas you didn’t. You may think your being super smart by just putting your feet in the shower; again alas we’ve done it too. Whatever trick or clever idea you think you thought up we have already beaten you to it. We have already thought it, done it and owned the t-shirt. Though the fashion of wearing your jeans halfway down your bum look is all yours, we aren’t taking ownership of that one.

Hint – were not as daft as you think we are. Trying to outsmart us will only result in you losing the battle. Save your energy.

When we were young there was no such thing as a dishwasher. Shocking I know but it’s the truth. When we were made to do the dishes, which actually happened every day, we had to wash each item by hand, then dry and put it all away. It wasn’t considered cruelty towards children either, we knew it had to be done and got on with it. So next time you feel it’s justified to throw a strop because you have to empty the dishwasher; be thankful us parents like dishwashers and that dishwashers caught on. It could be a whole lot worse.

Hint – if you would prefer we sell the dishwasher and you’re itching to do the washing up by hand, just say. It all could be a lot worse.

There seems to be a general consideration that we parents are just out to ruin children’s fun, sadistic and just basically have no idea. We seem to nag all the time and forever on your backs. Trust me when I say if we were out to ruin your fun or had sadistic tendencies we would pick something a lot worse than chores. The thing is that in a household there are several people. This means there are several people to cook for, to wash clothes for and tidy up after. Is it really fair that just one person does all this? When it’s left to one person it does make that one person rather pissed off. That pissed off person does have a life too (yes I know it’s shocking to hear parents have lives too) so to have a happy household it is fairer to all help with the chores. That way everything gets done and everyone gets the chance to have a life.

Hint – the word parent doesn’t mean slave, honestly, if you still doubt us check the dictionary. Try using a bit of consideration for others; you will be amazed with the results. Us parents go all smiley and tend to stop nagging.

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Being a single mum I can’t be in more than one place. I can’t clock watch, prise, cook, help with homework and remain sane. I am human. So I have a sort of token system to help with my children and the wonders of modern technology.

Mobile Phones

My children are both kitted out with mobiles. More as a safety reason as they live both here and at their Dads.  Although I can manage top ups every other month, over usage stretches my budget. To keep things under control and to help around the house, the children earn their top ups in the form of chores. Here is how I do it.

I worked out a list of manageable chores for each of them.

I then worked out how many chores they could practically do a week. For example they won’t empty the dishwasher every day as they aren’t here every day.

Working with my monthly budget, I worked out how much each chore should be worth. So if they empty the dishwasher every day they are here (plus their other chores) they can nearly earn the full amount of their top up in the desired time. I say nearly so that it encourages a Mum Clause to be done.

I added a ‘Mum Clauses’. I can add an unspecified amount for exceptional behaviour. For things like, acting on intuitive without being asked. If my daughter sees the washing machine has finished and puts the washing out to dry without being asked, I smile with pride and produce a Mum Clause Bonus. The Mum Clause also means I can take money off for bad behaviour.

Internet and Computer Games.

When my children first found the wonders of facebook and playing computer games, I first let them play when they wanted. It was all new, shiny and exciting. They of course used both far too much. They got irritable and tired and just plain horrible.

So i made some tokens (got nifty with some blank postcards).

I worked out a sensible weekly time allowance for the internet and games. This was roughly half what they had previously been using.

On each card I wrote ½ hour on each card till made up the weekly allowance.

The cards are dished out to each child once a week. It is up to them then to use their tokens when they want.

Again if they are exceptionally good I will dish out a free ½ hour or take away tokens for bad behaviour.

Both systems give the children some responsibility and I think its this that stops them throwing a tantrum when its time for the off button. I think this is I don’t use the internet/games tokens all the time any more as both the children have a more adult approach to the internet and computer games. If they show signs of sliding though, I will be wiping out the cards again. I think both systems have helped to teach the children a tiny part of the value of time, money and responsibility.

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• We busted is the often preconceived idea that dating online is for losers. It definitely isn’t, it can be used by the person down the street and the famous.

• To remember to be careful and stay safe. It doesn’t mean you need to take an armed guard with you just your wits. Make sure someone always knows where you are.

• That online dating does have happy endings; real people do find real relationships.

• Be prepared to date out of your normal type. If your normal type isn’t working for you, it could be refreshing change to explore the types you thought you wouldn’t go for.

• Be practical. As a single parent you’re not quite the free spirit you use to be. Dating online might find you dating someone miles away. Be practical with the distance and costs involved.

• Enjoy the whole experience. Don’t rush to get the finish line. Enjoy the getting to know them online first, enjoy the getting ready for the date and enjoy the whole experience.

• Do it for the right reasons, for you. Not because Great Aunt commented it was time you started dating again.

• Don’t expect hearts and violins at every date. Some will be interesting, some will be fun and others might be downright boring. Always keep your manners with you and treat them (even the boring ones) with the respect.

• Follow your gut feeling. If something or someone doesn’t feel right and you can’t put your finger on it, ask questions and then go with your gut feeling.

• Don’t introduce dates to your children until you are certain there is a future. You don’t have to hide the fact you’re dating but be aware your children will have their own feelings on the subject. Adjust if you tell your children and how much you tell your children on your personal circumstances.

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Which living person do you most admire, and why?

Oh nice easy one to start with – not. Think the person I admire the most is my neighbour. She is in her 80′s and lost her husband last year. Despite 53 years of never being apart and now alone she is still full of laughter. Never says a cross word and makes the best cakes ever.

When were you happiest?

Now, not as right this minute filing this in and realising how boring I am, but life in general I am now at my happiest.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

As teenager hugging my mum in Tesco’s, it wasn’t my mum, my mum was doubled up laughing at me yards away.

Aside from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?

Probably the dishwasher, washing machine and fridge freezer when the old second hand ones all died in the same week. For the first time ever I bought brand new and not second hand. Still can’t work the washing machine though.

What is your most treasured possession?

A watch my birth father bought me when we first met, 20 years after I had been adopted.

Where would you like to live?

I am very lucky to live near the sea but I would like a bigger garden as I always wanted to keep ducks, so just down the road in the bigger houses would do.

What’s your favourite smell?

Freshly mowed grass or new books. Go on have a good sniff of a book , you know you want to.

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Apparently Joanne Whalley is the spitting image of me ( or me of her)What do you think?

Joanne Whalley(actress)	Me (just me) and Daughter( drama queen)

What is your favourite book?

Dont laugh but its the dictionary. All those words,columns and lovely thin paper.

What is your most unappealing habit?

My anger, I don’t get angry very often but when i do I can make strapping 6 foot men whimper. ( I am only 5ft and a fag paper)

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

A cat suit like cat woman but only if it comes with the body too.

What is your earliest memory?

Mum asking me to throw my coat down the stairs. I did as I was told and landed at the bottom of the stairs with the coat still in my hand.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Creeping down the stairs in the middle of the night for a bowl of cereal. Its the silence, darkness and wrong time that makes it all so right.

What do you owe your parents?

Well I did promise them two tomato plants which I dropped round last week so I think I am all up to date.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

No one really.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My children, then my phone oh and not forgetting the computer.

What does love feel like?

All giddy and warm.

What was the best kiss of your life?

Kissing my daughter hello after giving birth, didn’t think I was going to make it and it was the first ever baby I had ever held too.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“Please pretend to at least like each other” ( kids )

“Yes I am listening”

What is the worst job you’ve done?

Manager of a shoe shop, I cant stand feet. Also became penniless as I do love shoes.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

Nothing , the past is gone. Only today and tomorrow I can change.

What is the closest you’ve come to death?

Probably when I was pregnant with my first child. I had preeclampsia which went unnoticed for too long.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

My children and not throttling them so far.

When did you last cry, and why?

A few weeks ago when my young cat had to be put to sleep. Howled for days.

How do you relax?

When I am asleep. I have to be either doing something or asleep I cant do the bit in between. In a bid to change this I have started gardening and knitting but don’t readily admit to this in public as it sounds like I am old.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

Employing a chef. Cooking and I don’t gel too well and I forget to eat when the children aren’t here.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

That money doesn’t buy happiness, you have to find it inside yourself.

Now that I feel completely exhausted from all that thinking, I have to tag some more….

Jo from 2Starsandaswirl

Garry from The Blog Up North

Annie from ChildmindingMummy

Sarah from MaisonCupcake

and Coffee Curls

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But online dating isn’t just about what you want; it’s how you portray yourself too. We would hardly list all our own faults in our profiles. If you say you taught Delia Smith everything she knows would that be seen as too much competition for the want to be cooks or easy route out for those who can only master a tin opener.

A financial difference, to me is one of the hard ones. I have no interest in money and put off more by those who have a lot and especially those who tell me they have a lot. But everyone is different, to some it is important you’re on the same level. This is all part of the wonderful things that makes us all different and unique. How boring would it be if everyone was the same? I am firm believer that differences make things interesting. There are limits of course and if the differences are too big or one person is passionate about something and there is no room for compromise then it would be less likely to be successful.

When you try online dating it can really make you stop and think about yourself. Answering all the questions on eHarmony you might surprise yourself as your realise the things that are really important to you and the things that really don’t matter that much

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A quick update on the 3 resolutions so far, well it is the end of the first quarter and I worked in an accounts office far too long to still count in quarters.

January – meat free month. Much to my children’s dismay, I am still on that one. I have eaten meat but each occasion hasn’t made me feel too brilliantly. I won’t give you the gory details but Renee, the dissolvable kind, is my new best friend.

February – beauty month. Work in progress really. I did do two drastic things after the month was up. I had all my hair chopped off and then dyed it the wrong colour. I have, i think, the whole of my children’s lives had long hair. It would look beautiful when I had spent many hours on taming it but for every day mum it just got put into a boring pony tail. Not one of those sleek ponytails, one of those gets increasing wilder as the day goes on. So with determination from me and gasps from the hairdresser it was cut short enough not to go into a ponytail. I love it and apparently I look ten years younger. Dying my hair black when i thought the box said brown ( yes I know wear my glasses more and read the label before applying the product next time) has had startling good responses too.

March – anything green. I am still trudging a path the compost bin on a daily bases. On dustbin day I have now swung the balance to more recycle bags then refuse bags. I am slowly winning the war.

As for April, I won’t be sitting with my feet up by any means; the holiday list has been written and put on the fridge. The children know this means they may be dragged into a task at any given time without prior warning or if they use the banned trigger word. They learnt very quickly that saying the word ‘bored’ can trigger one of two responses in me. I either give them a bin liner to sort their room or i peruse the holiday list to see what i can get them to help me with. I am sure they are looking forward to helping me clear the garage, jet washing the patio and go through every piece of clothing I own. If of course none of those are to their liking I do have weeding, hedge cutting and carpet cleaning up my sleeve in reserve.

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I was one of those this week. I decided I needed to have some me time before the Easter holidays so took myself off for walks. Map in hand, lunch all packed and off I went. I learnt that slight incline doesn’t mean that on walking directions. It actually means oxygen will probably be needed. And who decided to put a public foot path through a field of cows on a hill really needs shooting. If your of the sadistic nature you may now take a minute to picture me speed walking up the hill, through the cow field whilst petrified of cows.

The other thing I learnt is that parks aren’t what they use to be or maybe I never went to a posh park before. To me a park was a green field with swings. The park I found on my walk was breath taking. It was for one huge and had every swing, slide etc that I child would want. But it’s the flower beds that shocked me. Yes this may sound very old but they were gorgeous. Someone had taken a lot of time thinking about what colours to go with what. Which scents worked with others. I am sure they never did that back in my day. I sat and ate my lunch watching toddlers marvel at the flowers and trees.

You forget when your own children get older, the sense of wonder that little ones have. How new and exciting everything is. One mum had the most ingenious idea of transporting picnic and bike paraphernalia in what I can only describe as a small cart. That is one of things I don’t miss. The amount of stuff you have to carry or fit onto the pushchair. I can still remember my children’s pushchair in minute detail to this day. My mother in law let me loose in the shop and I became the proud owner of a Mamas and Papas pushchair. Back then it was the name to have and quiet rightly so as it survived two children with plenty of life still left in it. I can remember being the first mum in the town to have a tartan cover instead of plain one. Oh I was such a trend setter. Today of course you can buy pushchairs in mouth watering technicolor. I can also remember my daughter showing signs of kleptomania on shopping trips. I would get home to find things that I hadn’t paid for in the bottom of the foot muff. I do hope that wasn’t a sign of things to come in her later life.

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• Health in Pregnancy Grant
• Sure Start Maternity Grant
• Baby element of Child Tax Credits
• Toddler element of Child Tax Credit
• Child Trust Fund

For some this can be a worth up to £1735 over a pregnancy and the child’s first year. These loses aren’t being offset by other benefits so there loss of money will be felt.

Higher income families, working families with children could actually be looking a higher loss from the result of changes to the income disregards in Tax Credits and reductions in childcare element in Working Tax Credit.

Also changes to tax credit income disregards may also lead to substantial tax credit overpayments for many new parents returning to work following maternity leave.

Although the Government are providing additional support to many parents through increases in the child element of child tax credits, they have also announced several cuts through the budget and the Comprehensive Spending Review which will have an impact on parents with new children.

The main things that will affect new parents are:

The Sure Start Maternity Grant will apply to the first child only from April 2011 …more info at Direct Gov

The Health in Pregnancy grant was abolished in January 2011…more info at HMRC

The Baby Element of Child Tax Credit will be abolished from 2011-12…more info from HMRC

The planned supplement to Child Tax Credit for children aged 1 and 2 from 2012-13 will be reversed.

Government contribution to the Child Trust Fund was stopped altogether from January 2011.

The Tax Credit income disregard of £2,500 for falls in income will be introduced from 2012-13 more info from Direct Gov

Reducing the percentage of childcare costs that parents can claim through childcare element of Working Tax Credit from 80% of childcare cost to 70%…more info from Direct Gov

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Below, are those changes coming in from April 2011 under the following headings, explaining what each means and who might be affected:

1. Increases in rates and thresholds
2. Withdrawal rates
3. Family element withdrawal rate
4. The baby element
5. Older workers
6. Disregards

1.  Increases in rates and thresholds

The announcement

The Consumer Price Index (CPI) will be used to uprate all of the tax credit elements from April 2011. But child tax credit (CTC) claimants will receive an increase of £150 on top.

What does it mean?

Each year, the rates of tax credits and other benefits are increased. Normally this is in the form of a percentage, linked to the Retail Price Index. However, the change means that the percentage increase will now be decided using the CPI which is usually less generous.

Who will it affect?

All tax credit claimants. However, those who claim CTC should be more than protected by the £150 addition.

2.  Withdrawal rates

The announcement

From 6 April 2011, the withdrawal (or taper) rate will increase from 39% to 41%.

What does it mean?

The first step in a tax credit calculation is to work out the maximum possible entitlement. This maximum (not including the family and baby elements) is then reduced when household income starts to go above certain thresholds. Currently this means that if you claim working tax credit (WTC) or both WTC and CTC, your entitlement is progressively reduced by 39p for each £1 by which your income goes above £6,420 a year. If you claim CTC only, that income threshold rises to £16,190 a year.

The change means that in future claimants will lose 41p instead of 39p for each £1 of income above those thresholds (or a further £20 for every £1,000 of income).

Who will it affect?

Most claimants. Anyone with income at or below those thresholds will not be affected, nor will anyone in receipt of income support, pension credit, income-based jobseekers allowance or income-related employment and support allowance.

3.  Family element withdrawal rate

The announcement

Families with household income above £40,000 will start to have their family element of £545 a year tapered away from 6 April 2011 at a rate of 41%.

What does it mean?

Under current rules, CTC claimants receive the full family element until their income reaches the second income threshold. For most people that is annual income of £50,000 (although for some it may be much higher). Above that amount the family element is withdrawn at 6.67%, or £1 in each £15 by which income exceeds that figure. Changing the second income threshold to £40,000 and the taper rate to 41% means that the withdrawal starts at lower income levels and at higher rates.

Who will it affect?

The complexity of the system means that there is no straightforward rule to work out who is affected, because it will depend on your family circumstances. Some families currently receiving £545 (or £1,090 if they have a child under the age of one) will no longer receive any tax credits, whilst other families on higher incomes will see a reduction in the amount they receive.

4.  The baby element

Announcement

The baby element of tax credits will cease from 6 April 2011.

What does this mean?

Currently, families with a child under the age of one receive an additional element worth £545 when working out their maximum tax credits. This element is to be removed completely.

Who will it affect?

Families with a child under one will no longer have this element included from 6 April 2011. The details of how this will work are not yet known, but anyone who has a child born after 5 April 2010 may see a reduction in their tax credits from April 2011 rather than from the date their child’s first birthday.

5.  Older workers

The announcement

The previous announcement that those aged 60 and over would be able to qualify for WTC by working at least 16 hours per week (rather than 30 as currently required) will still go ahead from April 2011.

What does it mean?

At present, if you don’t have children or qualify for the disability or 50+ elements, you need to work at least 30 hours per week to claim WTC. This change will mean that those aged 60 and over will qualify for WTC by working at least 16 hours per week rather than 30.

Who will it affect?

Anyone aged 60 or over on 6 April 2011 who is working at least 16 hours but less than 30 as they will then be eligible to claim WTC providing they meet the other conditions.

6.  Disregards

The announcement

The tax credit income disregard will change from £25,000 to £10,000 from 6 April 2011.

What does it mean?

The disregard is one of most complex parts of the tax credit system. Tax credits are paid based on current circumstances and household income from the previous tax year.

After the tax year ends, HMRC compare your actual income for the year just ended with your income for the previous year. Provided your income for the year just ended is no more than £25,000 higher than in the previous year, your award will be unaffected and there will be no overpayment. Hence the term disregard, because the first £25,000 of any income increase is disregarded when calculating your award. That £25,000 figure will come down to £10,000 in 2011/12.

Who will it affect?

The £25,000 disregard has been very generous. Replacement by a reasonable disregard of £10,000 will not affect most people on lower incomes. It may however impact those moving from benefits into work and reduce the level of credits in the first year of employment.

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But there is something she did 40 years ago that strikes me as very brave. My mother couldn’t have children so I was adopted when I was only a month old. The brave thing she did was not to keep it a secret. I was never sat down and told I was adopted, I always knew. From before I could even walk and talk she told me daily that I was special as I grew in her heart and not below it. She would openly tell anyone that I was adopted if they commented on how alike we looked.

It’s not till now that I have children that I realise how brave her decision was. As a teenager I could have callously thrown it back at her or used the words in anger, I never did. I could have rejected her as my mother, I never did. I could have blamed adoption for anything and everything, I never did.

So my mother may be an ordinary old lady to anyone else but to me she deserves a medal.

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I was going to write my tips for dating as a single mum, instead I here is an example of ‘what not to do’ with one of my very early dating experiences.

My parents had very kindly offered to take my two children to a Christmas party they were invited to. This would mean they would be gone for a couple of hours in the evening. I hadn’t told my parents I was trying online dating so used the free hours for a date. This would mean rushing around getting ready after they had left and making a dash home Cinderella style before they returned. I figured I could do it.

The date was arranged and my date requested I wore something posh. I was pretty sure he hadn’t been tipped off that posh was not natural days look for me so asked why I had to wear posh. He explained he would be taking me somewhere posh. We agreed to meet in a car park and then I would follow him. Before you raise your eyebrows the car park was picked by me as I knew it would be busy and I was not about to give out my address to a stranger.

My parents were delayed in picking the children up which meant I was rather rushed and harassed in getting ready. Finally I skipped out the door to my car in a rather fetching dress and high heels. I didn’t get very far as I then realised sitting on the kitchen worktop were my car and house keys. I have since learnt not to keep these keys together and to also not have Yale locks that can lock behind you.

So I am standing there fit for The Ritz with not a car in sight in the little village I lived in. Not a sole to help me out. The only thing I could do was to climb in the small top window of the downstairs bathroom. Just as I am legs akimbo airing next week washing in the most undignified fashion, a car pulls up after spotting me. Not any old car, oh no. It was in fact a police car. I now had to un-climb my accent and point out to the rather two bemused police men that it was my house and if I was actually a burglar would I have not chosen a better outfit to climb through windows in. The two police men finally convinced I was too mad to be a burglar offered to help me. The window was too small for them I so I re-climbed through the window whilst they held my shoes and averted their eyes. Many minutes later a rather now dishevelled me arrived at the car park rather late. I didn’t dare try to explain to my date the events so far and just muttered something about car trouble.

For this sad tale of my date to have a happy ending I wish I could now boast the most gorgeous and expensive posh place he took me to. Sadly I can’t. His and my idea of posh couldn’t have been further apart. It was in fact a pub, one that I had been too many times and not posh by any stretch of the imagination.

My final ‘what not to do’ was my exit. I rather pathetically made my excuses to use the ladies room and ran.

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Accept there will be good days and bad - its not just you who will have good and bad days, your children will too. Be as supportive as you can on their bad days and respect the fact they may need to talk about him and the situation.

Don’t put down your ex to or in front of the children- As much as you may loathe him, think evil thoughts about him and generally dislike the chap, your children still love him. Putting your ex down to them can cause a lot of upset for them and could cause resentment and disrespect further down the line. Remember you’re the one who divorced, not them.

Don’t try to do everything and be everything - you don-t have to be the best at everything all the time. You are human not a robot so be realistic in what you can and can’t do.

Get order into the house- children thrive on routine and boundaries as it assures them they are safe and looked after. I was told this when my two were very little and it’s still true to this day. The last thing you may feel like doing is saying no to something for the hundredth time but keeping to your rules and boundaries it is more important than ever.

Have friends - From your best friends to family, they can be invaluable in listening, helping and being supportive. One of the most valuable friends I had was other school mums. They knew how disorganised I was at remembering dates like half term, non uniform day etc and would remind me at the school gates. They were also so valuable for my moments of complete madness. Like when I locked myself out of the house on the way to the school run with the car keys still in the house. A quick text to a mum friend and son was picked up from school on time.

Make time for you - this can be tough but even if it’s a 10 minute bath in peace it counts. You time isn’t pegging out the washing, just emptying the dishwasher and whizzing round with the hoover while the children are at friends. Although these things need to be done, time for you is just as important. The housework will still be there after you have recharged your batteries.

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I also learnt that it’s not just about recycling plastic, glass and paper each week. Things like light bulbs, appliances, products etc can all be tweaked to be greener if you just take 5 minutes to think what the better option is.

There is reusing things too. I have a small area in the garden that is a real sun trap but is ugly and uneven. The easiest option would have been to get a builder in to make it look pretty with some blocks and paving slabs. I don’t have the money for that sort of thing so instead I have done it myself. Not like the builder would have done but with some hefty stones found from the corners of my garden, soil and a lot of back breaking it has been transformed into a hard standing area that will now happily home the fruit and veg in pots. Didn’t cost me a penny and used up ‘rubbish’ from around the garden. I am more chuffed with it then I would have been if I got the builder in.

So with March at end the important question has to be asked, will I continue my green crusade?

In a way I will. I know single handily I am not going to save the world. I know that I don’t have to try to be green in every area of my life but just the bits I can do freely and easily. I have though installed the green seed into my children. If they now grow up more aware and recycle for the rest of their lives and pass that on to their children then maybe I have achieved something.

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• What are single mum entitled to
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and that’s a small part of the list. Although we have a benefit section where I talk through the benefits you may be entitled to there is a place where you can tap in your details and get a better idea of what you may be entitled to.

Turn2Us is a free website which is a charitable service which helps people access the money available to them, be it through welfare benefits, grants or other help.

You can even register and t will save your details, very useful if you want to compare different scenarios. I found it invaluable over the years and still use it on regular bases whenever they are changes in the system so that I know how things are going to affect me financially.

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So why are women having mid life crises earlier then men? A part of it is the pressure to succeed as early as possible; it has a knock on effect. In just a decade the average age of a chief executive has gone down from late fifties to the forties and with women as common in the work place as men it’s getting us too.

It’s often something big like the loss of a job or someone close to us that makes us stop and re-evaluate our lives. Its brought home that nothing is permanent and how fragile life can actually be. It can be an illness that changes our routine. Once out of the normal routine it can be a big enough jolt to make us realise there is a different way to do things.

Since turning the dreaded 40 my worries and thoughts have started to change and if I go by the symptoms and reports, I am just about there.

The new age to have a mid life crises in woman in 35 – 44 - Yep tick that box.

Have a feeling of lost identity - with my ex husband living within walking distance, my children have grown up rather free-range. There can be periods I hardly see them. Staying at dads, a sleep over here and there and woosh nearly a week can go by. I can feel at times as though I’m not needed.

Boredom- I can’t tick this one as I was an only child so the feeling boredom was something I tackled very early. I learnt very early that to keep myself occupied and it’s still with me today.

Feeling of worthlessness and lack of meaning - er yes I can tick that one sometimes but I am not going to dwell on that.

Time running out - I felt this first a few years ago and its starting to get worse.

Nearly two years ago I realised that for over 20 years I had been in full time employment. Nothing new there and I am actually very lucky to have been. I have been a seamstress, a shop manager and an office manager, oh and a PA to someone rather posh. I have loved all my jobs, so much so I always gave more than 100% but giving that much is stressful. To boot I had two children and a divorce in those 20 years too. So 2 years ago I went self employed. I wanted to be in control of myself. I didn’t want to answer to anyone else. I didn’t do it for money reasons ad have no fanciful ideas or drive to be so successful I employ others. When making the decision I talked to the children explaining what I wanted to do and that money would be a lot tighter. They unreservedly backed me all the way. In my two years eating baked beans on toast every day I have relaxed, I have become less materialistic. I don’t yearn for the finer things in life anymore. We have enough food in the cupboard, bills are paid on time and I am more of a free spirit. That’s me happy. So maybe my midlife crisis isn’t all that bad.

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Growing veg is only a recent bug I have discovered I enjoy. Last year was my test to see if I lasted the year with some raised veg patches. I quickly learnt that though lettuce and more lettuce were nice, I wanted to grow more variety. This year the veg boxes have been moved and recycled into flower beds in the front garden. The back garden now looks like something out of the Good Life. I may not have enough room to self support the kids and I but least it will be more than just sodding lettuces.

Growing veg is ticking the green boxes.  I am not buying packaging with my veg like I would at the supermarket. I also hopefully saving pennies, keeping fit and the other good side is that it’s a good excuse to be outside in the sunshine.

I am also very lucky to live less than a mile from two supermarkets. They very inconsiderately are in opposite directions though. In the summer the local Asda is over run by holiday makers, so much so I proved with the help of my mother and her car that it is actually quicker to walk there and back than getting in the car. This is all very well and healthy but does lean to some organisation on my behalf. I have to remember that whatever I put in the basket I will actually be lugging back up the hill in my backpack due to both supermarkets are at the bottom of hills to. I have found I am buying less and loosing inches too, which has to be good. I am also saving on petrol as the car only gets used when it’s too far to walk.

Maybe it’s the change in weather that has brought about these two changes and only in autumn will I discover if I am a fair weather gardener and walker. I suspect I will be.

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One of the positives (and can be thought of as negative) of dating online is that you most probably won’t be dating someone who lives down the road. This can be a good thing as you get to meet a wider variety of dates. But there are down sides.

When you’re filling in your questionnaire on eHarmony its a good idea to have a realistic idea of the distance your willing to travel. It may be fun to have a date several towns away but consider if the date is successful. How will you fit in the travelling with your family commitments? It would be more difficult to meet up with out a lot of preplanning. You may even find your ideal date is actually hundreds of miles away or even countries. If you fall head over heels for someone miles away there will be geographic logistics to consider. Would you move to them, which would involve moving your children away from their other parent? Or would it be easier for them to move nearer to you? Would their work commitments accommodate the move?

I do think long distance relationships can work and have heard many stories where they do but be realistic on what you can afford (travelling) and what your personal family commitments can allow.

I had a few dates with a chap once who lived several miles away. Meeting up was sporadic and not without surprises. It also didn’t last very long. One day, which is actually the last day I saw him, he surprised me by calling in after finishing the show he was in. I was rather shocked but no more than my father who was visiting as I hadn’t mentioned I was seeing anyone as it was very early days. The most shocking thing being he had come straight from the show and thought it would be funny to stay in costume. He wasn’t in any run of the mill show, oh no, he was in a Rocky Horror show. Complete with stilettos and long curly wig.

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When choosing baby pyjamas it is important to select sleepwear that is the baby’s exact size. Too often parents purchase baby pyjamas that are simply too large for their infant. This happens mainly as parents want to save money knowing that their infant will quickly outgrow clothing items. However, purchasing baby pyjamas that are too large is actually incorrect. Baby pyjamas should have a snug fit. Avoid purchasing loose fitting pyjamas. This same way of thinking holds true for baby pyjamas that comes with feet.

Some parents will purchase other clothing items to use as pyjamas. Perhaps they purchased a loose fitting t-shirt pr sweatshirt. This is also a mistake. These clothing items were not designed to be worn as pyjamas. Pyjamas that are too loose cause too much air space to form between the baby’s skin and their clothing. This loose fit greatly increases the risk for both flammability and suffocation. While parents have good intentions, loose fitting garments should be avoided.

Many kinds of baby sleepwear are specially made to be either flame retardant or resistant. You don’t always have to purchase just this kind of sleepwear. Even if pyjamas aren’t treated to be flame retardant, they are still safe for the baby to wear as long as they fit appropriately. Think of how long underwear fits a man. That same tight fit is how your baby’s pyjamas should look.

Fabrics can vary in baby pyjamas. Obviously, the kind of fabric the pyjamas you choose will depend upon the season. For the warm summer months, cotton is an obvious choice as it both breathes and absorbs moisture. For the cold winter months, flannel is a popular choice as it keeps the body heat from escaping.

Check out the clothing sale at K & Co (http://www.kandco.com/ )and you can find some great deals on baby products and maternity clothing.

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Toilet Rolls. Why I am the only one in the house who can change a toilet roll. Do they become suddenly invisible as soon as the little cardboard bit starts twirling on the roll holder? Maybe the cardboard has special powers that can only be seen by adults? Maybe I have superpowers that means only I can see them. I have tried asking my children nicely and even resorted to full blowing a gasket. Both failed. I was tempted to just not change it but I shudder to think if the paper work would just fail to get done.  Ewww awful thought.

Instead I shall comfort myself that one day my children will be adults and they will poses their own super powers that enables them to see empty toilet roll tubes.

Duvet Covers - these huge great cumbersome things have the ability to turn inside out inside the washing machine. Something that Houdini would have been proud of. I thought I had it sussed when I had the idea to put the cover in inside out to start with. Ha no, it got smart to that and stayed inside out.

The quickest way round this one was to just adapt and become a fiend at putting a duvet cover on whichever way it comes out.

Socks and washing machines. They say it’s the small things in life that matter but it’s also the small things in life that can annoy the most. Washing socks is hardly rocket science but keeping them paired up is a complete mystery to me. Somewhere between coming of the kid’s feet, through the washing machine and back to the draw, I can manage to lose socks. I can even go for several weeks with success to only return to lost sockitis again.

Its hardly end of the world stuff and they will all pair up eventually it just erks me that I don’t understand where they go.

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As with the washing the dishes I have looked at some of the other things I do on a daily bases and graded them into their green shades. Are you greener than you thought?