I remember being healthy. Nearly 4 years ago I woke up sick, a feeling I had never had before. It just happened to fall on the beginning of the August long weekend, the kids were off with their dad and I figured I could just sleep off the bug that struck me overnight. I didn’t understand anything about this then, I continued to work, push and push and push myself, feeling worse. Because of this there came many days when even a simple shower was too much and it just couldn’t happen. I worked myself into a deep pit of illness that for a while I didn’t think I’d be able to climb out of.
Yesterday I over did it. I had transportation so the exertion of walking wasn’t an issue. My day consisted of going to the insurance company, electronics store, home to charge a camera, 90 minutes of sitting on my ass at Eric’s school, groceries and the bank. Should have been a walk in the park right? I wish. I have slept most of today. Today sitting up is tiring. I take it back, holding my head upright is exhausting. I am dizzy, overwhelmed by sensory overload and very irritable. I have spent what should have been a fun weekend alone in a house which is thankfully cool, which is purposefully and necessarily silent. I am so overwhelmed and my brain is so disorganized that I can’t even decide to have dinner let alone what I might eat. This is a normal consequence of over doing it. It will take another 3 days (at least) to recover from this to my normal level of this sucks.
I need you to understand that I am not anti social, or avoiding anyone. I am in physical pain, thinking causes my head to hurt. If I could fix this I would. If I could be different I would. If I could have me back I definitely would.
I remember what being exhausted was like before I was sick. Young kids, work, school, crappy marriage… I had no idea that one day that level of exhaustion would become what a good day feels like.
I am supposed to go camping this summer. Frankly I am afraid to. I am afraid that I’ll run down, afraid that the noise and activity level around me will become too much as a result of wearing myself out. It is so hard to watch life go by and not be able to participate in it. This is my reality and it sucks. Frankly it is devastating to see people post FML over their small problems. You really have no idea what FML really is and be grateful please that you don’t.
I am not looking for a pity party or any kind of sympathy. I just want you to understand that on my bad days (today) that this is all I am capable of. If I come across as bitchy or irritable that I really have no control over it and don’t mean anything by it. It isn’t personal between you and I, it’s just my personal hell. I was unfortunate enough to have been sucker punched by a virus. All the gains I had made were erased when that virus reared it’s ugly head a year ago and made me acutely ill with mono. I have yet to come back from that.
Please watch the videos, learn something for yourselves. Chances are pretty good that I am not the only person you know who is suffering from something like this. I look great on the outside, I know, but that’s it.
I experience most of the symptoms described here. It’s been so long that I don’t think I notice some of them any more. Considering all that I experience because of this illness, I’m doing pretty damn well. http://tnq-support-group.net/Symptoms_ME_CFS-FNQ.html