Those hours between putting the kids to bed and putting yourself to bed can be very lonely ones – it’s typical ‘grass is greener’ territory. When you’re part of a couple you often crave an evening to yourself, then suddenly you have every evening alone, and it doesn’t feel fun anymore.

It’s times like these that a bit of positive thinking can work wonders. As easy as it is to become melancholy, so it also is relatively simple to turn things on their head. Imagine your life as a product, do some PR on yourself – you’ll be amazed at the positive spin you can put on even the dreariest of circumstances.

Last weekend for instance, I came home from a night out and got into my empty bed just after midnight. Maybe it was the three G&Ts I’d consumed in the last two hours, or maybe it was something bigger, but I found myself wishing I had someone to share my bed with. I let my thoughts wander to imagining having someone to curl up into, someone to give my bed that lovely man smell.

And then I caught myself.

Yes I was alone, but actually wasn’t that great? No duvet hogging, no snoring, no man smells of the less savoury variety. I know, I know, this may seem like clutching at straws, and I hope that one day true love will blind me to these minor irritations, but in the meantime I’m going to focus on the silver linings, no matter how big the clouds.

You can read more from Jo on her popular blog – Slummy Single Mummy

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As a self employed single mum, my time always feels stretched to the max – kids, school, work, home – something just has to give, and that something is normally my standards of cleanliness. Being anything other than a domestic goddess is something we are all being made to feel guilty about, so I thought I would offer some crumbs of comfort by revealing my secret slummy habits, the corners I cut to keep myself sane.

I love reading other people’s confessions. There is something fascinating and comforting about reading other people secrets – the blog equivalent of reading Heat magazine. Just when you are feeling inadequate and lonely, you read that other women feel the same, that even celebrities sometimes go out with chipped nail varnish, and suddenly the world feels like a better place.

Today I want to focus on housework. I know… GROAN…. who enjoys housework? Well not me. Of all the responsibilities in my life – being a single parent, holding down a variety of jobs, not to mention a nice selection of voluntary roles, housework really is my lowest priority. In fact, I suspect I became a school governor just as an excuse not to clean the toilet. So when my juggling gets tricky, the first ball to crash to the floor is always the cleaning one.

There are some forms of household chores I enjoy. Arranging my books in colour order for instance is always a pleasant way to pass an afternoon, especially if I have a particularly pressing deadline that I am trying to avoid. I’m not sure that tasks like sorting my make-up into pretty boxes really count as housework though…

So if you are looking to save time and effort around the house, here are my top five tips. Those with a fetish for cleanliness or who are easily disturbed should switch back to facebook now:

1. Crumbs – they get everywhere don’t they? My house is always full of bits. Sometimes I feel motivated enough to pick some of them off the floor (I don’t have a Hoover) but then what to do with them? The kitchen is too far away, I have yet to install a bin in the living room. So when you’re pressed for time, throw your crumbs behind the sofa.

2. Children’s toys – again, they get everywhere. And Belle gets as much fun out of a toilet roll or a piece of cling film as anything else. When the toys threaten to overwhelm you and you can’t be bothered fighting to get the kids to tidy them up, just collect them all up off the floor in a black bag and take them to Oxfam. It will make them appreciate what they have left. Honest.

3. Dishes – now we know I sometimes hide them, but this is obviously only a temporary solution. My least favourite dishes are the ones my teen brings down at intervals from her bedroom – cereal bowls encrusted with fossilised coco-pops, mugs stiff with mould. What to do? Just put them in the bin. Really. Out of sight and all that…

4. Baths – yuk yuk yuk. I particularly dislike cleaning that involves getting my hands wet. If you can’t face all that bending and stretching but need to scrub the tub, children’s bath time are ideal. While they are in the bath just give them some soap and a cloth and get them to clean the tiles and other surfaces. You might want to give them a rinse down afterwards to get rid of scum (the child, not the tiles), but this is much simpler than cleaning the whole bath.

5. Beds – sick of changing sheets? Ditch your partner. Become single and suddenly the need to change your sheets more than a few times a year goes out the window. Tada!

So that’s it. Slummy Mummy’s guide to housework. Some valuable advice there I’m sure you’ll agree. Do share your own time-saving tips!

Read more words of wisdom at Slummy Single Mummy’s parenting blog.

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When I set out to write about being a single parent I had a good idea of what I wanted to say. It was going to be very balanced – an essay type argument – with a clear list of pros and cons. You can imagine the style; a punchy introduction, a few positives, a smattering of negatives, all building up to the conclusion that sure, parenting alone is tough, but it also brings a whole host of benefits.

So I sit down to write. On the first page I get as far as a heading. I actually write ‘some things that are great about being a single parent’ at the top of the page and prepare to brainstorm. I stare a while at the bright white blankness of the page, perfectly reflecting the blankness of my mind.

I can think of plenty of reasons why I’m particularly glad not be co-parenting anymore with my ex – no clash in parenting styles, no more crying and shouting in front of the children, no more begging him to take them out just for a couple of hours and then feeling too guilty to enjoy my time alone. They aren’t hugely positive though. I realise they aren’t specifically reasons why I love parenting on my own, more like reasons I’m glad to be out of a damaging relationship. I guess when your options are limited to being alone or being with a partner who sucks away your very essence then single motherhood does seem appealing.

I fantasise briefly about the as yet undiscovered third option, the one where we frolic as a family in sun-dappled woodland with a Brad Pitt type father figure who, on our return to our family home, lovingly prepares dinner for us all before running me a bath and supervising wholesome craft activities with a cluster of adoring children. The fantasy doesn’t do much to inspire me in my quest for the joys of single parenthood and I feel temporarily at a loss. Surely if I can’t think of any positives then I should be miserable? If mothering alone really has no perks then why am I not ready to stick my head in the oven every time I cook a dinner that is guaranteed to be rejected by at least one of my two children?

I may not have found my happily ever after yet but I am far from fed-up. I am quite content being the sole breadwinner, housekeeper and distributer of cuddles. Not having a partner often makes things simpler for me and my inner control freak quite likes the fact that I always get the final say. I do find myself from time to time overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all, but on the whole taking the lead feels natural to me. Although I’m not sure my eldest daughter really understands to concept of authority. “I never really think of you as a parent,” she revealed recently “I just thought you were in charge because you were the tallest.”

Bringing up children on your own is tough, there is no denying that. There is no one to share secret proud glances with at school plays, no one to share the tedium of cooking, washing and badly written bedtime stories. If you want things done, you most definitely have to do it yourself. Does being part of a couple though actually half the workload? I’m not convinced. I would bet that the majority of women would, if they were really honest, say they had the lion’s share of the responsibility for the children – doctor’s appointments, dental check-ups, school trip money, presents for birthday parties – how many women find they are ultimately the ones in charge of all these dull day to day duties? If not actually doing them then co-ordinating them. At least as a single parent you never expect anyone else to share these chores with you, so you never end up disappointed or resentful.

And then it dawns on me. Single parenthood may not have many unique positives going for it, other than those that come with being single generally like taking up the whole bed and the satisfaction of knowing you only have yourself to blame when you run out of milk, but that doesn’t mean the joys of parenthood generally don’t still apply. The unconditional love you give and receive, the arms flung around your neck and the shower of kisses you get for no other reason than that you are mummy. Perhaps not so applicable for a 14 year old, but still, you get the drift.

So thinking about it, maybe I wasn’t so far off the mark with my plan for a balanced argument, as the all consuming nature of single parenthood does work both ways. Sure most children’s books are dull – I have never really been one for storytelling – but being the sole provider of bedtime stories does make you sole beneficiary of goodnight kisses and proclamations that you are loved ‘to infinity and beyond’, which in my book more than makes up for the mountain of washing and pile of dirty dishes I have waiting for me downstairs. Besides, I will just make one of the kids do the washing up in the morning – now that really is the best of both worlds.

Kindly written by Jo Middleton.

Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

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You are not alone

It sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. You are not alone in feeling nervous about meeting new people. Walk into any school or mums’ group and you can just about guarantee that the majority of the other mums there are feeling just the same.

It is true that some playgrounds and toddler groups do have a few well established cliques, but there are still plenty of people to talk to. If in doubt, ease yourself in gently. If you have preschool age kids, try a smaller more focused group to start with. Something like baby music sessions are great because they are normally small size classes, the babies tend to be similar ages, and you often get the chance for a chat and a cup of tea at the end of the session.

Confidence is just an act

Perfect the art of walking tall, even when you’re feeling low. Our body language and posture reflects how we are feeling about ourselves. When we are feeling shy or self conscious we show this in the way we move and hold ourselves. When trying to appear more confident we can use this knowledge of body language to our advantage by changing the way we use our bodies to trick our minds into thinking we really ARE confident. Try it now – be aware of how you are sitting, standing, you facial expressions. Now alter your posture, make your back straighter, hold you head high and smile. Bet you feel better already!

Walk into a new group of people with a big smile on your face, looking as if you are a regular, and you’re half way there. Just imagine how you would behave if you were feeling confident and completely at ease with the situation, then just act that way regardless of how you really feel.

Get Involved

Most toddler groups, play schools or local NCT branches are run by a group of volunteers, most of whom are likely to be parents themselves. Getting involved as a member of a committee, in fundraising activities or maybe as a contributor to a local newsletter is a good way to meet new people, often away from the gaze of your children. Don’t worry that will have to commit yourself to anything. Going along to an NCT branch meeting for instance does not mean you have to take on a particular job, but existing committee members are likely to be thrilled just to have somebody new contributing fresh ideas and experiences. For mums of school age children the PTA is a great place to get to know people.

Shared Interests and support

Having children is actually a great ice breaker. There aren’t many other groups you can join where you are guaranteed that every person there shares at least one common interest – you know you’ll all be parents! If you can find some groups particularly targeted at single parents then even better. There are plenty of organisations around that aim to support single parents and put them in touch with other people in the same situation. If you can’t find a single mums group in your local area, why not set up your own? Having a local support network of mums in the same boat can be invaluable; both in terms of the emotional support you can offer each other and the practical help e.g. sharing babysitting and childcare.

Team up

If the thought of meeting new people alone is just too daunting to contemplate, consider dragging a friend or relative along for moral support. Perhaps you have existing friends with children of their own who would come along with you or you could take your mum or a willing sister. If you have recently had a baby and have met some like-minded mums at antenatal classes now’s the ideal time to get to know them a bit better. Invite them along to try out a local toddler group with you and at least you’re guaranteed someone to talk to.

As you begin to make new friends an easy way to take a friendship to the next level is to suggest an outing to somewhere new or an activity that neither of you have been brave enough to try on your own before. That way you’ll be widening your social circle even further at the same time as getting to know your new friend better.

Be yourself

The best way to make sure that any new friendships you form are long lasting and rewarding is to be yourself – simple but true. It is important to how things in common besides your children – a shared sense of humour and a similar outlook on life are important too. Hopefully this way many of the friends you make now will last long beyond the time when the trials and tribulations of parenting have ceased to be such a prominent part of every conversation.

Some ideas for ways to meet other mums:

Gingerbread – www.gingerbread.org.uk

SPAN – www.spanuk.org.uk

Meet a Mum Association – www.mama.co.uk

National Childbirth Trust – www.nct.org.uk

Kindly written by Jo Middleton.

Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

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This may seem cruel, but the whole point of paid for play is that I get let off the responsibility of being an endless source of entertainment. Parenting generally is exhausting. Parenting alone is relentless and it is crucial to give yourself time out now and again.

Of course it does seem slightly perverse to pay to spend the afternoon indoors on what has turned out to be one of the sunniest days this month, but I comfort myself with the fact that I am actually protecting us both from harmful UV rays. I have never been the kind of mum to remember sun lotion, so this is the next best thing.

Sure we could have romped through woods looking for animal tracks or other such wholesome activities, but then it’s difficult to read the papers when you are attempting to bluff your way in tree identification. You can try the park, but the chances are at our local that you’ll have to contend with a steady stream of bored teenagers swearing and hogging all the best stuff. Plus at the park there is no escape from the plaintive cries of ‘mummy can you push me on the swings?

At our indoor soft play centre my energetic seven year old is guaranteed to find a friend and I am off the hook. After ten minutes she is already holding hands with one of the big girls and I am a good way through The Times. I have brought with me a selection of papers, magazines and books“ the second rule of soft play is to be prepared “ and I work my way happily through them, easily blocking out the screams of toddlers and the flashing of the muted flat screen TVs that line the walls.

Soft play is basically low cost childcare. For a paltry £14 a month I can have unlimited access  all I need to do is repeat this afternoon’s session a few times a week and I looking at an hourly rate of about 27p. Bargain. Sure, i’s no Montessori, but my daughter has a great time and after a few hours with my head in a book I feel refreshed and ready to climb back on the never ending merry go round of single parenthood.

Kindly written by Jo Middleton.

Jo lives in Somerset and is a freelance journalist and single mother of two daughters. You can find out more about her work at www.jomiddleton.co.uk

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