So if the general advice is that its compatibility that makes a relationship work, what exactly makes us compatible?
For starters think of all the friendships you have and had in your life with both male and females. Now think of those that you consider your best friend, the ones that friendship is effortless. That click you had with that person, you probably find you have had a lot of common ground but compliment each other in other areas.
That’s the sort of compatibility you want in a relationship. Its bit like your very best friend and fancy each other. You goal is to find someone who will ultimately be your partner. In the best and successful partnerships they complement each other, provide strengths where the other needs them. One may be good at organising time the other handling money. It’s easier if you’re not always competing against each other. For example two people who think they are the better one at handling money will silently compete against each other.
Another thing to think on is can you imagine running out of things to say to each other? You hopefully will be sitting across a dining table with for many years. Good friends never tire of talking to each other because they find each others thoughts interesting. They also like to experience things together, explore new territory together, mentally and physically.
You’re not looking for an exact replica of yourself as that would be predictable and irritating. Contrasts make your friendship exciting and challenging. But also too big a contrast that will cause problems so in some areas it is better to be more similar in areas that are your fundamental values like politics, religion and morals.
Few Quick helps
- Feel the emotions; accept you got to go through them.
- Do things you couldn’t or didn’t do before. I actually like the colour pink but my partner hated it. So now I smile every time I wear pink because it is something I wouldn’t do before. Continue reading
Everyone in their lifetime will probably experience the heartbreak of a relationship ending. For some it is a devastating experience with many feeling lost, disoriented, and lonely and as if the world has just ended.
It is only natural that when you have an emotional loss that you go through stages that are the same as grief, as you are experiencing the death of something. There are no magical cures or short cuts through the process. It is a painful experience but you do come through it and usually stronger, wiser and a more loving person than before.
When a relationship ends you are faced with two choices. You can either make yourself miserable and dwell on what could have been or face the trauma with courage.
Many will go into a phase of denial and even the ones who feel elated or freed will at some point acknowledge the huge impact that the break up has had on their life.
Anger is a common feeling to feel after the break up. Although you think you will feel loads better to seek revenge in some form, bear in mind it will have impact on not just you but others around you. That other people will view you in different ways after you have sought your revenge and worked out your anger on them. Find another way to work the anger out. Put your energy into exercise or something you love doing.
Try to understand why the relationship failed. Try to look at it from a fly on the wall perspective. Some find it helpful to write a list of the ex’s good and bad points. Over time you might return to this list and change things and probably move things out of the good point section and move them into the bad section.
Blaming it all on the other person isn’t a healthy option as though it makes you feel better it is also portraying you as a victim. Though sad but also very true you can’t not have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you.
In order to get through the pain you have to feel it and acknowledge it and accept it. So getting drunk will just numb it and denying there is anything wrong just puts off the inevitable.
See your break up as a new beginning in you life for you. You may now be able to do things you weren’t able to do before. You may not feel like doing any of them but muster up every ounce of courage and take small steps. It’s a learning experience. Look at your role in the last relationship, how can you learn from it.
This time will pass. Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and you should let the ups be the moments that define you, not the downs.
Just because you’re a single parent and have found yourself suddenly single, it doesn’t mean that you will be on your own for the rest of your life or have to rule out finding love again. You might be a bit hesitant and this is perfectly natural. But at some point you will have to find your confidence and self esteem so you can get back out there. There is only so many months you can sanely talk to only children, you will want adult conversation that doesn’t include Thomas the tank engine or the latest pop sensation being mentioned.
Many single parents haven’t dated for a very long time so you might feel reluctant to put your self in a postioin of potential rejection. Well reaction is a normal part of dating and not too personal. After all you wont just launch yourself at the first person to show interest in you. You might not like them so it might be you doing the rejecting.
Dragging your past into a new relationship isn’t healthy and a sign that you’re not completely over the past. If you are finding it hard to not live in the past then you might benefit from some counselling to help you move on.
It’s also important to date for the right reasons and not just date for emotional revenge or with the illusion that a new romantic partner will somehow fix what is broken in your day to day life. You should want to be with them for all the right reasons not just because it means an extra pair of hands around the house or financial help.
Remember too that you come as a complete package. It’s important that your romantic interest likes children, understands they are not there to discipline your children and they should be mature enough to understand the demands as a parent you will have to attend to without them getting jealous of your time with your children.
Don’t introduce new romances to the children till your certain it has long term potential. Introducing many romances into the children’s lives will create confusion and insecurity and sometimes resentment.
Lastly go slowly. A new person who is worth having will understand you need for going slowly.
There are many dating sites to choose from. There are the major sites, smaller sites, free sites, niche sites that cover every imaginable niche and probably a few more I have missed.
Don’t just jump on the first dating site you come across or is recommended to you. When you have narrowed down your choices, have a look at each dating site from several angles. You can have a look around most dating sites with out having to sign up meaning your remain completely anonymous. You get a bit of taster of what sort of people already subscribed.
Then sign up to a few. This is still free and will mean you have to pick a username, password and give email details. All of which they keep hidden from everyone else. You will then have to write a profile about yourself. Depending on how brave you are you will have the option to upload a picture. Don’t put any personal information in your profile like address or telephone numbers. Apart from being appealing to other members, your profile is there to keep you safe. This step still shouldn’t cost anything and will mean you can have a better look round. Use this as an opportunity to test out several sites. To see if you like the layout, to see if the search facility is as precise as you want it to be and how they present the results.
Lastly when you have found a site you are happy with and feel ready to contact a few members, you can take the final step of subscribing. This will generally allow you to contact other members and sometimes extra search facilities. It is usually done in monthly blocks and is bought in blocks of 3 or 6 months will turn out cheaper.
Remember to keep yourself safe.
Its not very often you get the honor to actually know someone who has the determination, stamina and skill to sit and write a book. Let alone have it published. I am very honoured to say I know Tessa Hainsworth who has done just this, and though not a single mum, she does deserve honourable mention. The book will be out shortly and I have already pre-ordered my copy of Up with The Larks .Knowing her and the family I know it will be a one of those books that will leave you feeling all fuzzy and warm inside.
I confess to being too independent for my own good, stubborn( though comes in handy) and have many moments of dizziness. Although these things can be considered good virtues, I do think I have more than a healthy dose of them.