I know it’s hard not to take it personally when some you have counted on turns and says they don’t want to see you again. But it doesn’t mean you are broken in anyway. The relationship was broken and he is telling you that it’s not right for him anymore. Respect that he has feelings and he is just being honest.

If he has come out with the ‘we will still be friends line’, it doesn’t mean he might change his mind. He is probably trying to ease his own conscience. Before you even house the idea of trying to be friends you need distance, time and to heal. Then decide if his friendship is what you want.

Don’t contact him. No you don’t really need to. Take all his details out of your phone. Box up anything of his or reminds you of his into a box and store away in the garage. No, this doesn’t mean leaving it on the lawn to ruin his prize book collection in the rain. Remember you’re a nice person really and right now your emotions are ruling your normally sane mind.

Call closet friends. They will be your support system through the tough days. And if you’re wailing at the screen that you don’t have any friends or that none of your friends understand then email me. I understand, I will answer and I have been there.

These are just a few quick points but the main thing is to do even though your heart is breaking in two and you really don’t want to be hearing the news, muster every bit of strength you can and hold your head up high. Walk away with dignity. Or at very least till you’re out of sight before you start crying your heart out.

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 Don’t drag it out- the dead is best done when you realise that it has to be done. Don’t drag it out weeks or months while you figure out what you want in life. It’s wasting yours and his time and it is selfish. Oh and do it face to face. If your old enought o be swapping bodily fluids then you are old enough to do things properly and if it means face to face then get on with it. You wouldn’t like to be dumped via the phone, email or text.

 Be definitive – this is about your feelings so be confident in them. It’s not a request to analyse your feelings and debate the issue. It sounds harsh but deliver the news, making it clear it’s about your feelings and not a short fall in the other person.

 Don’t give hope – Don’t use the lines like ‘I hope we can be friends’. Your only saying this to ease your conscience and if you truly mean it you know that distance and healing needs to be done first before there is any hope of friendship. Trying to be friends the next day only gives them false hope that it can be rekindled.

 Be honest but humane- Just because you are delivering the news that you don’t want to see them again doesn’t mean it’s a chance to list every little flaw and problem in them and the relationship. Let him have some dignity.

 Leave them alone- No you don’t have to just check they are ok. It will confuse them. Yes you may be missing them and yes you may feel bad but you wanted out. Give him the space to hate you and get over you.

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The opposite of rebound are the ones who find it hard to love again. For some they are stuck, unable to move on even years after the relationship ended.

What both these situations have in common is that the relationship didn’t reach a proper ending. To learn, to recovery and to move on properly. It’s called the grieving process and is applicable if going through loosing some in bereavement or an ending of a relationship. Those who embark on a rebound relationship are trying to skip the grieving; those who can’t love again become stuck in their grief.

So what is the grieving process? Well it has 5 stages and different people will go through it in different ways. Some might get through the lot in one day; other might take days or even weeks on each stage. It is also common that once you have reached the end something happens and you have to go start it all again , but the good news  is will be easier. It’s not just the dumpee who will experience these emotions, the one who left will also go through the stages too.

Denial – the first response to bad news is numbness. The “it can’t be happening to me” moment. Denial is a sort of buffer against the shock providing you a breathing space to control your thoughts and get your coping strategies and supporters rallied into place.

Anger – it finally sinks in and you can’t get away form the fact it is happening to you. You will go through all the questions of why it is happening to you, why did you deserve this. You might be angry at your partner for doing something wrong or angry at your self for not spotting any signs or making mistakes.

Bargaining – at this point you now realise that your anger is getting you no where fast so your natural coping mechanisms kick in. you remember as a kid demanding something seldom worked so now you resort to the asking nicely faze. Bargaining is fine for short term but all it is doing is postponing the inevitable.

Depression – so the asking nicely didn’t work either so the depression sinks in. This can still be healthy though if we learn form it and not mask it with alcohol and other coping strategies. Depression is a way of your body half shutting down so that you mind can figure things out.

Acceptance – Even though you might not have wanted the relationship to end you finally reach the point you accept it has. Sometime there may be set backs when a song or place triggers memories but generally in acceptance more time is spent in looking forward rather than looking back.

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The internet dating gurus recommend writing a bit more about you then just a few sentences as the brief profiles tend to get passed over.

It is important to describe yourself as honestly as possible. The questionnaire bit normally takes care of the weight, height, colouring, body type, religion, smoking/drinking preferences, education and profession. Be honest with this as trying to pretend your into the stock market to snare a rich chap or that you’re a 6 foot model when your not doesn’t do you any favours and wasting your own plus others time.

When you think up your username try to steer clear of the ‘cutesy bunnies’ and ‘never found love’ types and don’t use anything that gives exact information about you. In your bit about you, you can mention hobbies and interests you like. Try and write with a personal touch instead of coming across cold and factual. Be humble but stay away from self-deprecating humour.

Some good words to try and include – sophisticated, loving, generous, reliable, my colleagues describe me as…… affectionate, likes to cuddle, sensitive, caring, down to earth, looking for best friend.

Words to defiantly avoid using (even if you are all of them) – great in bed, animal, great lover, erotic, uninhibited and other sexual connotations.

Also spell check and check your grammar. People notice these things in a little box. It’s good also to include what kind of person you want to respond to your ad and also state if you are just looking for friendship, casual relationship or marriage material.

As for posting a photo of you – the internet dating gurus reckon that the ads with photos get up to ten times more response then those without. So it’s your call on that one but if you do, choose you’re best recent photo and don’t even bother with a pretend picture of a model. Your profile might get rejected.

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For starters think of all the friendships you have and had in your life with both male and females. Now think of those that you consider your best friend, the ones that friendship is effortless. That click you had with that person, you probably find you have had a lot of common ground but compliment each other in other areas.

 

That’s the sort of compatibility you want in a relationship. Its bit like your very best friend and fancy each other. You goal is to find someone who will ultimately be your partner. In the best and successful partnerships they complement each other, provide strengths where the other needs them. One may be good at organising time the other handling money. It’s easier if you’re not always competing against each other. For example two people who think they are the better one at handling money will silently compete against each other.

 

Another thing to think on is can you imagine running out of things to say to each other? You hopefully will be sitting across a dining table with for many years. Good friends never tire of talking to each other because they find each others thoughts interesting. They also like to experience things together, explore new territory together, mentally and physically.

 

You’re not looking for an exact replica of yourself as that would be predictable and irritating. Contrasts make your friendship exciting and challenging. But also too big a contrast that will cause problems so in some areas it is better to be more similar in areas that are your fundamental values like politics, religion and morals.

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It is only natural that when you have an emotional loss that you go through stages that are the same as grief, as you are experiencing the death of something. There are no magical cures or short cuts through the process. It is a painful experience but you do come through it and usually stronger, wiser and a more loving person than before.

 

When a relationship ends you are faced with two choices. You can either make yourself miserable and dwell on what could have been or face the trauma with courage.

 

Many will go into a phase of denial and even the ones who feel elated or freed will at some point acknowledge the huge impact that the break up has had on their life.

 

Anger is a common feeling to feel after the break up. Although you think you will feel loads better to seek revenge in some form, bear in mind it will have impact on not just you but others around you. That other people will view you in different ways after you have sought your revenge and worked out your anger on them. Find another way to work the anger out. Put your energy into exercise or something you love doing.

 

Try to understand why the relationship failed. Try to look at it from a fly on the wall perspective. Some find it helpful to write a list of the ex’s good and bad points. Over time you might return to this list and change things and probably move things out of the good point section and move them into the bad section.

Blaming it all on the other person isn’t a healthy option as though it makes you feel better it is also portraying you as a victim. Though sad but also very true you can’t not have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you.

 

In order to get through the pain you have to feel it and acknowledge it and accept it. So getting drunk will just numb it and denying there is anything wrong just puts off the inevitable.

 

See your break up as a new beginning in you life for you. You may now be able to do things you weren’t able to do before. You may not feel like doing any of them but muster up every ounce of courage and take small steps. It’s a learning experience. Look at your role in the last relationship, how can you learn from it.

 

This time will pass. Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and you should let the ups be the moments that define you, not the downs.

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Many single parents haven’t dated for a very long time so you might feel reluctant to put your self in a postioin of potential rejection. Well reaction is a normal part of dating and not too personal. After all you wont just launch yourself at the first person to show interest in you. You might not like them so it might be you doing the rejecting.

Dragging your past into a new relationship isn’t healthy and a sign that you’re not completely over the past. If you are finding it hard to not live in the past then you might benefit from some counselling to help you move on.

It’s also important to date for the right reasons and not just date for emotional revenge or with the illusion that a new romantic partner will somehow fix what is broken in your day to day life. You should want to be with them for all the right reasons not just because it means an extra pair of hands around the house or financial help.

Remember too that you come as a complete package. It’s important that your romantic interest likes children, understands they are not there to discipline your children and they should be mature enough to understand the demands as a parent you will have to attend to without them getting jealous of your time with your children.

Don’t introduce new romances to the children till your certain it has long term potential. Introducing many romances into the children’s lives will create confusion and insecurity and sometimes resentment.

Lastly go slowly. A new person who is worth having will understand you need for going slowly.

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Don’t just jump on the first dating site you come across or is recommended to you. When you have narrowed down your choices, have a look at each dating site from several angles. You can have a look around most dating sites with out having to sign up meaning your remain completely anonymous. You get a bit of taster of what sort of people already subscribed.

Then sign up to a few. This is still free and will mean you have to pick a username, password and give email details. All of which they keep hidden from everyone else. You will then have to write a profile about yourself. Depending on how brave you are you will have the option to upload a picture. Don’t put any personal information in your profile like address or telephone numbers. Apart from being appealing to other members, your profile is there to keep you safe. This step still shouldn’t cost anything and will mean you can have a better look round. Use this as an opportunity to test out several sites. To see if you like the layout, to see if the search facility is as precise as you want it to be and how they present the results.

Lastly when you have found a site you are happy with and feel ready to contact a few members, you can take the final step of subscribing. This will generally allow you to contact other members and sometimes extra search facilities. It is usually done in monthly blocks and is bought in blocks of 3 or 6 months will turn out cheaper.

Remember to keep yourself safe.

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Now I’m not saying that men are all saints. There are still bad characters out there. The liars, cheats, criminals, sadists and thieves of the world should be steered clear of.

 

Seeking perfection is an impossible task and should only be done by those who are perfect themselves. I hate to shock you but we women are not perfect. We’ve done our share of dumping. We’ve all been accused of being cruel, bossy, cold, and bored and many more. These things happen when we pair up wrongly, with those we are not compatible with.

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If someone is burdened by their baggage then this doesn’t bode well.

If they are obsessed and all they do is talk about how cruel and evil someone once was to them, this too doesn’t bode well.

If they are obsessed about an attractive unobtainable ex partner then this too isn’t a good sign.

 

These sorts of people are not carrying their baggage, they plainly flat on their back with the baggage firmly on top of them. They are still trapped in their past.

 

Then there are those who can’t even open their baggage. They never talk about it and deny it’s even there. They are stuck in denial and probably festering sore spots, violent emotions of hurt and rage from disasters in their past.

 

At some point in your new relationship, your baggage will get talked about. How they handle your baggage is also relevant. If they listen and understand then brilliant but if they show signs of not being able to handle your baggage then you should proceed with caution.

 

Remember its not if they have baggage but how they handle their baggage.

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Going on a dating site looks like you’re desperate. – If that’s the case then there are millions of desperates out there. In today’s society were people are busy for normal social lives, dating sites are becoming the norm. You’re not the first and you defiantly won’t be the last to try a dating site. Brace modern technology and be thankful of having more ways to find an ideal partner.

My mum might see my profile – well if your mum see’s your profile, there are two answers to this. Hopefully you’re sitting down so it’s not a shock. Your mum is either genuinely out there dating, now if you thought she was happily married to your father then this might raise issues if you mention it. Secondly – she is gay. Think about it.

Serious relationships don’t happen online – hah I have proof otherwise on this one. I have had serious relationships that started online and a friend is still living with her online date. So it does happen.

It’s not safe – It’s as safe as you make it. If you decide to set your self up with 7 dates a week and not tell anyone then you are being more of a risk taker. Dating sites are fully aware that safety can be viewed as an issue so they offer anonymity whilst you’re on the site. From the hidden safety of your home you can pick and choose who you want to converse with. If you don’t want to talk them then you don’t have to. If you hit it off and decide to meet up then please do follow common sense safety and make sure someone knows where you are and with who .

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Honest – Does anyone openly admit to being dishonest? If you were a man would say sorry I am a game player so I don’t think were compatible?

 

Trusting – Announcing you want honesty (and trust) doesn’t mean you will get it. There are two types of men, the ones who try not to be dishonest and those who get a kick from being dishonest. And by saying you are searching for these things tend to bring out of the wood work the dishonest men. How? Well they will read it as you been hurt and fooled in the past so must be easily fooled. They can tell you what you want to hear but will go on to be all the things you don’t want. The honest man will admit to his faults. So don’t rule out the men who bravely admit their faults as they are actually being honest.

 

Romantic – Men see romance differently then women. To a women romance is about how he feels about you when he isn’t with you. That he misses you and thinks of you so shows you small ways. Notes in unexpected places or flowers for no reason. Men see romance as a grand gesture when it’s expected when they are with you. They think one offs all guns blazing with a meal and flowers and candle light is romance as to them it is. So if a man says he is romantic it’s probably not the romance as we think of it.  

 

So readdress your wish list. Throw out the generic words. Get down to what would make him different to other men. What makes him Mr Right for you and not another woman?

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Men have their own unique way of doing things and this still implies when they look at women. They are visual creatures. They shop with their eyes. So for them to see you, you first have to be in their sight. Running around with head down, not making eye contact and merging into the background isn’t conclusive with being seen. If you’re not seen they can’t see you (bit obvious I know) and if they cant see you then nothing more will happen. I’m not saying you have to be out there in neon colours with a sign on your head. But more slowing down a bit and actually noticing things around you. I admit I am the worlds worst for not seeing things but it wasn’t till it was actually pointed out  me that I don’t notice men looking at me that I realised there is a whole world out there I was missing out on. Not anymore I might add.

 

So when the said male is out there looking what does he look for? Well no two men are the same. Not all like the stereo typed stick thin woman. They like normal shapes and all the glorious shapes our bodies come in. There are those who like blonde’s and those who only like brunettes. Leg men, boob men. What ever shape, size, hair colouring etc you are, you are gorgeous and there will be a man out there who is looking for just that. Now putting men in all these categories might seem shallow but us women are the same. We may be more forgiving in the male looks department and understand that beauty is on the inside but we too naturally like and drawn too certain types. Its just one of the ways men do things differently.

 

• So be more aware – slow down and notice more.
• Get used to the fact men are visual first. You cant change it.
• Understand that though it sounds shallow of men, us women do the same but differently.

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Now its all very well have the safe knowledge that Mr Right is out there, Mother Nature wasn’t to kind to give him a map to my door. But this is a good thing. If he landed on my door in the early years, how would I know what I actually want in a man? I wouldn’t have experienced the good and the bad times that make me what I am today. How would I be able to comfort my children as they grow and learn about broken hearts if I hadn’t had my fair share? Half the fun when you go out of an evening is the getting ready. So should half the fun be in the finding of Mr Right. And considering how long it takes me to get ready to go out, I will probably find him when I have retired and pushing a Zimmer frame. To find Mr Right I have to be findable. If I wait for him to walk past my house then I might aswell not bother. Online Dating here I come.

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I would though warn you and advise you from my experiences.

Keep your wits about you. Take off any rose tinted specs and keep your self grounded. There are many dating sites around. The free, the cheap and the expensive. But all will have a colourful array of the following.

The Desperates. Either not dated for many decades and there will be many reasons why they are single. Or they just been dumped and need a replacement fast. Way too much baggage to blow up and wont be a pretty site. Steer clear.

The Players . This consist of the marrieds, partners doesn’t understand them and the professional daters. Complete with enough slick and smooth talk to melt you then dump you. Steer clear.

The Weirdo’s. Shouldn’t have to explain this one but men pretending to be women , vice versa and lots of other weird things I would rather not dwell on. Steer clear.

The Little honest Gem . As about as rare as hens teeth but they do exist unless there was actually only one and my friend has beaten you to it. Keep hold off with both hands.

As you launch yourself into the world of online dating, it’s good to remember that as you might have shaved the odd pound off your weight in your profile, others shave several dress sizes. Pictures can be altered or complete fake ones used. Ages become just a number. Just like you, others will log on in their pj’s munching late night cereal and washing it down with 6 glasses of wine (moi? As if! ) People will tell you what ever you want to hear and not every one is honest. You get my drift.

There are two ways to go about the dating bit. Talk talk talk or date date date. TTT you will find one that stands out from the rest and find yourself emailing back and forth, on msn for a lifetime. You can get to know them inside out before you decide to meet. You might though be disappointed when you do meet as the big relationship you have formed in you head could be very different when they are standing in front of you. DDD is where you go through them like you were a Judge live on X Factor shouting next when you’re ready to meet the next one.

Which ever method you use, when you do actually meet them make sure someone knows where you are on the first couple of dates. ( axe murderers don’t always strike on a first date) Make sure you are somewhere which has mobile signal to avoid SAS entrances from friends when you don’t reply. Keep to busy places. In the daylight if possible. Have plausible get out lines. My cat has been ‘ rushed to the vets’  several times to get me out of yuk situations.

Don’t give out personal info. I never gave out my address or even the make of my car. Go with gut feeling and if your unsure don’t go. Or at the very least research. Friends Reunited, Face Book and even Google . As cold as it sounds your meeting a stranger.

I don’t want to make it out to be all gloom and doom. Just keep your wits about you, don’t be gulable and have a damn good laugh.

Finally, some one asked me why I stopped and why I wouldn’t do it again. Well I was in the local supermarket one day minding my own business and a sales assistant stacking the shelves called me by my online nickname. Luckily I didn’t have the kids with me, but if I had I wouldn’t have been able to run out the shop as quick but how would I have explained why a complete stranger called me blueeyedminx?

“Mummy, why did that shop assistant call you that ?”

“mm I don’t know darling , must know me from when I shopped online”

“What were you shopping for mummy ?”

“Men”

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But my worries now are on a completely different ball game. I have the two children and after several failed relationships, I have learned not to introduce the polar opposites together. Children though, are a great asset when you are not sure on someone. They invisibly have that gut feeling, plain talking ability to reduce a grown man to a one inch standing.

So with my new rule of no introductions while I tackle the universes supply of men, I have the task to date almost secretly. Granted it gives an edge to it but at 38 should I really be bundling some poor unsuspecting man out the back door as the children march in the front door early with their father in tow?  The days my children go their father, they always enquire what I will be up to. Just in case it has better sweets or present odds than their current plan. I always have a list of suitably boring chores ready. This year alone the children think I have had a good housework blitz more times than hot dinners. Been to see every elderly relative in living memory. Not to mention the shopping trips to find something so specific I know it will never exist. It is no wonder I overheard my daughter tells one of her friends that I am really boring and all I do is housework and talk to old people. You have to take into account also that when they are away and I am up to mischief, as my mother would call it, that the housework is not getting done. So the secret to it all is speed cleaning five minutes before the children ceremonially arrive back home.

So where do single parents find each other? Well there is the normal route of blind dates by well meaning friends. These I do not take too seriously and consider them research time. I get to try restaurants that might be of use at a later date. I get to practise social skills like conversation ( do not laugh but it is worrying how many people do not posses these skills) It’s also a good excuse to buy a new outfit. 

There are the dating sites but they try my patience an awful lot and I do not like to go down that route. I have done in the past though. Keep your wits about you. Just because you’re being honest and genuine doesn’t mean the person on the other side of the screen is. If you do decide to meet them, make sure someone knows where you are. Oh and try to pick a meeting place that you know has a mobile signal. I did not once and was faced with a friend rushing into the restaurant yelling “your alive” to a room full of spectators and all because I had not answered my phone.

The best place is supermarkets. You can tell so much from their basket contents. So next time you just pop to the supermarket for milk remember to at least brush your hair and look semi decent.

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Dating is a fascinating process. It is the time when both parties involved are trying to understand the other person, and so are on their best behavior at all times. They do not want to show the less-than-perfect side of things and so are always trying to impress the other party and make sure that person realizes how lucky they are to have them in their lives. It is after all the time when two people decide if the other person has the potential to be in their lives forÂ… well forever to look at it in a bit of a corny light! Dating is also when confusion reigns as one of the more prevalent emotions, along with a certain degree of happiness, self-importance (here is someone who thinks what you say is significant) and maybe, for the lucky ones, the initial stages of love.

Dating is considered a good way of getting to know another person, as it is in this time that you learn a lot about how compatible you are with the other person. It can be a fun and exciting process, with both parties flirting and enjoying the each other’s company. If, after going through the dating process, either or both of those involved feel like they would not be able to have a long-term relationship, they end the relationship then and there, which bring us to another good thing about dating – unless really serious, it can be a totally no-strings-attached approach, which significantly reduces the pressure for both, at least at the beginning.

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