Another M.E sufferers words on M.E…
So I put pen to paper and this is what came out there was no plan just wrote as it came to me.
If only life were simple, feelings plain and clear, it would help me calm my mind and take away the fear.
I need to get these feelings out you may already know, the way the thoughts are going and how my fears they grow.
I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, well often, it is true, so what best way to deal with this when I’m feeling blue?
I know I’ll put a smile on, to hide away the tears; no-one wants to hear about all my silly fears.
I’m tired of being a burden to everyone around, I’m too aware that I must be bringing everybody down.
I like to be quite positive and smile and laugh, have fun, so what’s the point in always telling everyone I’m glum!
I get so tired, I hurt, I ache, it’s not something that I like, I’m scared I will never ever feel I like I did, just right!!
I used to be so happy, so full of life and busy, is this now all I can hope for, forever feeling fuzzy?
I try my best I swear I do, but it really is so hard, to feel the way you want to go is always f*&$£g barred!
Just imagine how you’d feel if all you did was threatened, the life you once knew and enjoyed was suddenly not given.
I used to do the things you do without a thought or care, now I have to ask myself do I even dare?
If I go, if I do that, if I try to have MY life, what’s the payback going to be? Is it worth the strife?
Of course sometimes the answer’s yes, though you may not understand, if I can’t function one day why should I go out with the gang?
The reason is quite simple, I’ll lay it out for you, If I don’t go out and do fun things my life may as well be through!
Some people choose to judge this and it’s really their decision, but do they feel the hurt, pain and tiredness I’ve been given?
This is my life, not one I chose but one that I am living, it’s not much fun, it’s not fulfilling and it’s very unforgiving.
I had so many plans you see, it was all mapped out before me, now you see it, now you don’t, it’s always there to haunt me.
I still have hopes and dreams you know, I want to make it through, to maybe do some of the things that I always used to do!
So you see, I know you think I hide behind my smile, and only choose to show myself only once in a while.
You know who I am, you hear my cry even if I am silent, It’s sometimes not intentional I slip into auto pilot.
But I go back to what I said before about being a burden, all I want to do you see, is to push away the hurting.
It may not be the right way and I know that’s what you’ll say, but it really is so hard to live this each and every day.
I’m scared, I’m terrified, I feel like a lost little girl that has been taken from my safety net to a scary other world.
You know sometimes I want to die, for this burden for all to end. But I can’t leave my son, my family and all my lovely friends.
It’s you that keeps me going, through bad times and the good, there to lift me up and say “I always knew you could!”
So these are all thoughts from my head for you, it’s hard, it’s crap, it’s rubbish but it’s what we have to do!
[box type=”bio”] Its all very well me waffling on about what M.E is like for me but I know I am relatively lucky. I belong to a fantastic support group and have asked other members if they would like share what its like for them. Today’s post is from Leah n. Thank you Leah for sharing this with me. [/box]